Gail_Sorley, I think she still has The Cupboard and the place in the Dales. If you look upthread, someone helpfully posted The Cupboard's address ... For someone supposedly skint, not bad. And the new car ... Yet The Baker has asked her to move in with him - go for it, Liz, be absolutely wonderful, a cosy snug little love nest with a smoker who doesn't put his dirty laundry in the right place, what could be nicer for someone who has OCD?
Still, apparently she allows The Baker to smoke in bed - that upsets me, because what about all that passive smoking her seventeen cats endure when they're curled up on her silk covered organic freerange swansdown duvet, her two million thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, the cashmere throw from Agiball Alhahahumbum? Pussy abuse!
Unmissable event! Readers of Amikolaichek’s weekly Drivel in the Fail on Anyday are invited to a Meet Your Columnist evening.
This exciting event will take place at that wonderful neo post pre classical modern retro building that was once the gent’s bog on Southend’s promenade, now converted into The Vital Vegas Vegan B & B. As readers of the Drivel will know, Amikolaichek was brought up near Southend and has many happy memories of how her parents wouldn’t buy her a racehorse and she had to wear knickers knitted by her old mum in wool that wasn’t organic and sourced from happy organic free range baa lambs- alas, sadly, poor Amikolaichek couldn’t afford pure silk knickers made from organic free range line caught silk worms, as all her pocket money was spent on Vague Magazines and saving up to have surgery to remove her kneecaps, so that the buttery soft designer leather jeans would hang better – as readers will totally understand, Amikolaichek always buys two pairs at once of buttery soft designer leather jeans, in case one pair gets smudged.
On arriving at the Vital Vegas Vegan B &B, readers will be greeted with a flute of sparkling cabbage juice and enjoy canapés of raw potato slices topped with organic, free range raw rhubarb and have the chance to purchase Amikolaichek’s books, signed by the author herself – The Balls Pond Road Diaries, How One Old Lady Lost Her Toyboy And Got Divorced and her latest bleakbuster, The Gal Most Likely To Make A Lot Of Money From This Evening.
Guests will have a chance to meet Amikolaichek, who will talk about her life, answer questions and give you an honest insight into her memoir, so long as you don’t ask about rock stars, sisters, brothers, nephews, invading old mother’s privacy, Inland Revenue, dying cats, sheep-worrying dogs, sickly horses, current boyfriend’s manicure, creditors, nasty Twatter comments from other journalists.
Tickets for this unmissible event are £199.99 each and by attending the event you agree to be photographed and waive all rights, including moral rights, in any photography. Amikolaichek also reserves the right to cancel the event with two hours’ notice due to unforeseen events - an emergency knee wax or oily bath, horse needing holistic vegan organic free range healing session for mosquito bite, Baker boyfriend needs emergency help working out how to fire up his gold Dunhill lighter.
Unmissable event! Readers of Amikolaichek’s weekly Drivel in the Fail on Anyday are invited to a Meet Your Columnist evening.
This exciting event will take place at that wonderful neo post pre classical modern retro building that was once the gent’s bog on Southend’s promenade, now converted into The Vital Vegas Vegan B & B. As readers of the Drivel will know, Amikolaichek was brought up near Southend and has many happy memories of how her parents wouldn’t buy her a racehorse and she had to wear knickers knitted by her old mum in wool that wasn’t organic and sourced from happy organic free range baa lambs- alas, sadly, poor Amikolaichek couldn’t afford pure silk knickers made from organic free range line caught silk worms, as all her pocket money was spent on Vague Magazines and saving up to have surgery to remove her kneecaps, so that the buttery soft designer leather jeans would hang better – as readers will totally understand, Amikolaichek always buys two pairs at once of buttery soft designer leather jeans, in case one pair gets smudged.
On arriving at the Vital Vegas Vegan B &B, readers will be greeted with a flute of sparkling cabbage juice and enjoy canapés of raw potato slices topped with organic, free range raw rhubarb and have the chance to purchase Amikolaichek’s books, signed by the author herself – The Balls Pond Road Diaries, How One Old Lady Lost Her Toyboy And Got Divorced and her latest bleakbuster, The Gal Most Likely To Make A Lot Of Money From This Evening.
Guests will have a chance to meet Amikolaichek, who will talk about her life, answer questions and give you an honest insight into her memoir, so long as you don’t ask about rock stars, sisters, brothers, nephews, invading old mother’s privacy, Inland Revenue, dying cats, sheep-worrying dogs, sickly horses, current boyfriend’s manicure, creditors, nasty Twatter comments from other journalists.
Tickets for this unmissible event are £199.99 each and by attending the event you agree to be photographed and waive all rights, including moral rights, in any photography. Amikolaichek also reserves the right to cancel the event with two hours’ notice due to unforeseen events - an emergency knee wax or oily bath, horse needing holistic vegan organic free range healing session for mosquito bite, Baker boyfriend needs emergency help working out how to fire up his gold Dunhill lighter.
On 12 May, Liz will be selling her entire wardrobe of fashion buys and freebies, with brand new items donated by Mulberry, Reiss, Space NK, Marks & Spencer and Suzannah, with all proceeds in aid of Cherry Lodge, a wonderful charity in North London that supports people suffering from cancer. For details, visit cherrylodgecancercare.org.uk
Your chance to buy soft buttery leather jeans/jackets/knickers (from free-range, organic cows with pension plans), and all Lizard's old cast-offs. But I have to say (uncharitably) given how awful Lizard looked modelling the new M & S range, I'm amazed the store donated so much as a last seasons' sock.
Meanwile, did David send Liz a message meant - GASP, HORROR - for SOMEONE ELSE? Sorry - but too good not to share, I have to quote it:
‘Well, that was a struggle. Just got home, about to collapse. Do you want something to eat? Xxxxxx’
Finished the message off, you eagle-eyed lot noticed, with SIX kisses! And what was the 'struggle'? Trying to get that damn gold Dunhill lighter to work? Making an extra large batch of WAG bread? Toiling manfully over Lizard between the ten thousand thread Egyptian cotton sheets to ensure satisfaction?
Oh dear oh dear, I hope The Baker isn't going to turn out to be a love-rat?
T'would seem that the ROB* has someone scouring t'net for observations by the likes of us, hence:
"I got back to the flat, which I still have a lease on until July..." - did we all get that ?
" I was only drinking Coke because I was driving, in my new car." - ... and that ? Two for the price of one, btw, and something dangerously close to a witticism.
" I thought she said, ‘Do you write books?’ so I replied, ‘Yes. Four or five so far.’
When she then leapt up and returned, it was clear what she had actually said to me was, ‘Do you take drugs?’" - um. Ummmmmmmmmmmm. Trying to work out (by simple experimentation, viz, saying them out loud) how anyone could possibly confuse "take drugs" with "write books"... and I thought she was fairly adept at lip reading ?
Truly, as someone once remarked, a sorry puddle of piss. I've read more convincing dialogue in a JK Rowling book.
How the flip does she need to work 21 hour days?? All she seems to write for the DM now is one cut-and-paste/rehash-old-stuff ad nauseam dreary and one ditto farticle a week - they must take her all of 30 minutes. She has a lot of animals or does she? And if she really has, doesn't Nic look after them for her? I come from a farming background and my uncles don't spend 21 hours a day looking after large dairy farms and hordes of free-range chickens so what fills her time?
I've googled and can't find any reference to her having written for anyone else on a regular basis. Or maybe she's working on another chunk of poor meeeee in hardback form? (Oh, joy of joys!)
And re the farticle, as she's been single most of her life, why is it a problem for her that men don't like to be reminded that their partner earns more than they do? Which is total bollix in my experience - unless of course, the partner is flashing the cash on stupid stuff (gold Dunhill lighters and cashmere baby clothes) and expecting the recipients to be eternally and grovellingly grateful. If you're going to make it clear that you feel superior to anyone because you chuck money away like there's no tomorrow, they are going to resent it.
Bellagio- totally agree- my first thoughts entirely. Fizzyca|: I could knock out that garbage in half an hour and I'm no journalist. And - I have earned more than my partner for a long time. He can't resent it because we are still together after twenty years, I don't shower him with gifts, but he insists I buy my round in the pub.
Which is fair enough.
.
I know you'll all be excitedly looking forward to the Old Jones's Castoffs Sale, so here's the link (scroll down a bit). What's more, while you're there snapping up a load of worn-out old ta ... lovely designer gear, you'll also have the opportunity to BUY A COPY OF HER LATEST BOOK, you lucky people. http://www.cherrylodgecancercare.org.uk/view.php?item_id=22
But word to the wise - best avoid buying Jones's old knickers. Not sure if it's true or if I imagined it, but didn't she once write that she owns only TWO pairs of knicks - one on, one at the dry cleaners ? If true, then said nether garments would be pretty worn out. Maybe she rings the changes by going 'commando' at times ... (OK, OK, I know, best not to speculate about this too much - surely not while wearing the soft buttery leather designer jeans ...? )
I was so looking forward to attending but I'm afraid I'm planning on having 'flu that day.
WHO is the recipient of the many kisses? I don't suppose LJ has considered that he does after all have children. Why would he be sending them kisses, they are grownup and he never loved them or their mother anyway, not compared to Liz.
The drugs/old hippy references implies rather strongly that the baker smokes things other than tobacco.
If this were fiction I would be hoping he was just shagging her for her money and that LJ had just discovered this, but since it is not fiction I hope that's not the case. LJ is not a very nice person but nobody deserves that.
So... the Dreary runs to form. Except they are at another 'party' and Jizzard is only drinking 'Coke'. Anyone would think she had been advised to write those two words in every single article she can, so that if someone put 'Liz Jones party drugs' into Google, all that would pop up would be innocent references to a well known soft drink and her crayzeeee party lifestyle! And certainly not the alleged *cough* Herne Hill snowstorm.
Will it work? It's up to you, people.
Oh, and while we're at it, follow this link: http://www.ppa.co.uk/theppaawards/ scroll down to 'covers' and vote for #studentfarmer. When Jizz gets beaten, we all want her beaten by a pig, don't we?
If this were fiction I would be hoping he was just shagging her for her money and that LJ had just discovered this, but since it is not fiction I hope that's not the case. LJ is not a very nice person but nobody deserves that.
Suzy_Cat you are a much nicer person than I because as loathsome as Dscrace is they are BOTH in it for the money and part of that deal must be that they can use each other (her for column fodder, him for the financial 'perks' and advertising for 'his' business.) The only people I feel sorry for are the true innocent victims that are used and abused in the Diary, and the returning girlfriend from Australia will be her main victim now, I hope she has the guts to take legal action if this is the case. Dscrace's adult children must be so proud of him.
‘Well, that was a struggle. Just got home, about to collapse. Do you want something to eat? Xxxxxx’
whaddaya wanna bet that he followed her home and is outside her door, as a surprise and to be supportive of her? it would just be toooo goood and almost too funny, if I really wanted to be mean, if he was texting to another woman who DS sees when LJ is working her 21 hour days and is belting up/down the motorway....
Suzy_Cat you are a much nicer person than I because as loathsome as Dscrace is they are BOTH in it for the money and part of that deal must be that they can use each other (her for column fodder, him for the financial 'perks' and advertising for 'his' business.) The only people I feel sorry for are the true innocent victims that are used and abused in the Diary, and the returning girlfriend from Australia will be her main victim now, I hope she has the guts to take legal action if this is the case. Dscrace's adult children must be so proud of him.
I completely agree Seabird. In fact I think he's actually worse than her (if that's possible) because despite her having written these appalling things about his family, ex-wife, former partners etc, he has never once insisted that she stops, and indeed actively keeps giving her more ammunition against them. OLC has already alienated her own family and has no friends at all (except for Sue Needleman, who gets randomly mentioned through no fault of her own) and poor Nic (on the payroll). He's just provided her with a whole slew of new victims and doesn't even seem to care. We all know what she is. I don't think the people in his life had a clue that he was about to throw them under the bus.
I hope the former girlfriend who's about to return from Australia has a lot of good friends around her, she's going to need them.
In her other farticle in the Wail on Sunday she had a pop at the president of the Oxford Union, because he sat next to her at dinner but didn't talk to her. She banged on about didn't anyone teach good manners blah blah blah ... Yes, lizard, like it's SO good mannered to be vile about the exes of your boyfriend, implying he never loved them. Horrible woman.
Wise man. I sent him a congratulatory email earlier today.
I used to enjoy reading Liz Jones but for years she has been getting worse and worse and I haven't looked at anything she's scribbled for a long time. This thread, however, is brilliant. Far more entertaining than anything La Lizard has written since hooking up with the horrible baker.
I've been fighting the urge, 'cos heaven forfend I should be seen as a show-off ... but no, sorry, can't resist - I have to be the first to say it: I fear the Bread Maker is about to become toast!
As at least 90% of the Diary input has been exclusively about the elderly baker since last Autumn then, as with the fictitious rock star, she will only get rid of him when she has someone/something else to keep her in material for the next year. Of course the break-up itself will fill another 6 months worth of Diaries, on-again, off-again, listing all his disgusting habits and lack of wealth, jealous family/girlfriends, etc. The ficitious rock star will be ressurected (possibly the reason for the 'break-up'), despite him conveniently vanishing off the planet when publicly dumped for and even older fantasy figure. He will have spent all his time composing and recording a triple concept album in his private recording studio in his Italian Château inspired by his true luurve, featuring his bestie pals, Sting, Bono, Peter Gabriel and whoever was the last winner of The Voice or Masterchef. Kate Bush will sing the role of Liz and rumour has it, it is the sole reason she has suddently come out of retirement and will perform the whole concept album in full instead of those boring hits.
Seabird, you forgot to mention Sir Cliff Richard - he'll sing the part of The Baker - aren't they around the same vintage? Of course, Sir Cliff would have to grow his fingernails and take up chain smoking.
Not absolutely sure about Kate Bush to play the Liz role - surely the role requires someone more age-appropriate? I suggest the actress who plays 'Dot' in 'Eastenders'. Pull Dot's hair down from her usual French pleat/bun whatever it's called, tousle it a bit over her boney shoulders and there you are ... Lizard's 'look'!
That's a shame! I'm going to go. I find the old bat amusing.
I think we all find amusement in Liz's writing, just not in the way she would wish! If you do go we want a full report, if she does turn up just don't try to talk to her or you could find yourself mentioned in the Diary despatches, especially if your clothes aren't designer (preferably VB) or buttery soft enough.
Comments
Still, apparently she allows The Baker to smoke in bed - that upsets me, because what about all that passive smoking her seventeen cats endure when they're curled up on her silk covered organic freerange swansdown duvet, her two million thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, the cashmere throw from Agiball Alhahahumbum? Pussy abuse!
This exciting event will take place at that wonderful neo post pre classical modern retro building that was once the gent’s bog on Southend’s promenade, now converted into The Vital Vegas Vegan B & B. As readers of the Drivel will know, Amikolaichek was brought up near Southend and has many happy memories of how her parents wouldn’t buy her a racehorse and she had to wear knickers knitted by her old mum in wool that wasn’t organic and sourced from happy organic free range baa lambs- alas, sadly, poor Amikolaichek couldn’t afford pure silk knickers made from organic free range line caught silk worms, as all her pocket money was spent on Vague Magazines and saving up to have surgery to remove her kneecaps, so that the buttery soft designer leather jeans would hang better – as readers will totally understand, Amikolaichek always buys two pairs at once of buttery soft designer leather jeans, in case one pair gets smudged.
On arriving at the Vital Vegas Vegan B &B, readers will be greeted with a flute of sparkling cabbage juice and enjoy canapés of raw potato slices topped with organic, free range raw rhubarb and have the chance to purchase Amikolaichek’s books, signed by the author herself – The Balls Pond Road Diaries, How One Old Lady Lost Her Toyboy And Got Divorced and her latest bleakbuster, The Gal Most Likely To Make A Lot Of Money From This Evening.
Guests will have a chance to meet Amikolaichek, who will talk about her life, answer questions and give you an honest insight into her memoir, so long as you don’t ask about rock stars, sisters, brothers, nephews, invading old mother’s privacy, Inland Revenue, dying cats, sheep-worrying dogs, sickly horses, current boyfriend’s manicure, creditors, nasty Twatter comments from other journalists.
Tickets for this unmissible event are £199.99 each and by attending the event you agree to be photographed and waive all rights, including moral rights, in any photography. Amikolaichek also reserves the right to cancel the event with two hours’ notice due to unforeseen events - an emergency knee wax or oily bath, horse needing holistic vegan organic free range healing session for mosquito bite, Baker boyfriend needs emergency help working out how to fire up his gold Dunhill lighter.
Splendid stuff. Actually, beyond splendid.
I'm not sure that raw potato slices were a good idea. Carbs, you know.
On 12 May, Liz will be selling her entire wardrobe of fashion buys and freebies, with brand new items donated by Mulberry, Reiss, Space NK, Marks & Spencer and Suzannah, with all proceeds in aid of Cherry Lodge, a wonderful charity in North London that supports people suffering from cancer. For details, visit cherrylodgecancercare.org.uk
Your chance to buy soft buttery leather jeans/jackets/knickers (from free-range, organic cows with pension plans), and all Lizard's old cast-offs. But I have to say (uncharitably) given how awful Lizard looked modelling the new M & S range, I'm amazed the store donated so much as a last seasons' sock.
Meanwile, did David send Liz a message meant - GASP, HORROR - for SOMEONE ELSE? Sorry - but too good not to share, I have to quote it:
‘Well, that was a struggle. Just got home, about to collapse. Do you want something to eat? Xxxxxx’
Finished the message off, you eagle-eyed lot noticed, with SIX kisses! And what was the 'struggle'? Trying to get that damn gold Dunhill lighter to work? Making an extra large batch of WAG bread? Toiling manfully over Lizard between the ten thousand thread Egyptian cotton sheets to ensure satisfaction?
Oh dear oh dear, I hope The Baker isn't going to turn out to be a love-rat?
"I got back to the flat, which I still have a lease on until July..." - did we all get that ?
" I was only drinking Coke because I was driving, in my new car." - ... and that ? Two for the price of one, btw, and something dangerously close to a witticism.
" I thought she said, ‘Do you write books?’ so I replied, ‘Yes. Four or five so far.’
When she then leapt up and returned, it was clear what she had actually said to me was, ‘Do you take drugs?’" - um. Ummmmmmmmmmmm. Trying to work out (by simple experimentation, viz, saying them out loud) how anyone could possibly confuse "take drugs" with "write books"... and I thought she was fairly adept at lip reading ?
Truly, as someone once remarked, a sorry puddle of piss. I've read more convincing dialogue in a JK Rowling book.
(* rancid old bat)
I've googled and can't find any reference to her having written for anyone else on a regular basis. Or maybe she's working on another chunk of poor meeeee in hardback form? (Oh, joy of joys!)
And re the farticle, as she's been single most of her life, why is it a problem for her that men don't like to be reminded that their partner earns more than they do? Which is total bollix in my experience - unless of course, the partner is flashing the cash on stupid stuff (gold Dunhill lighters and cashmere baby clothes) and expecting the recipients to be eternally and grovellingly grateful. If you're going to make it clear that you feel superior to anyone because you chuck money away like there's no tomorrow, they are going to resent it.
Which is fair enough.
.
http://www.cherrylodgecancercare.org.uk/view.php?item_id=22
But word to the wise - best avoid buying Jones's old knickers. Not sure if it's true or if I imagined it, but didn't she once write that she owns only TWO pairs of knicks - one on, one at the dry cleaners
I was so looking forward to attending but I'm afraid I'm planning on having 'flu that day.
The drugs/old hippy references implies rather strongly that the baker smokes things other than tobacco.
If this were fiction I would be hoping he was just shagging her for her money and that LJ had just discovered this, but since it is not fiction I hope that's not the case. LJ is not a very nice person but nobody deserves that.
Will it work? It's up to you, people.
Oh, and while we're at it, follow this link: http://www.ppa.co.uk/theppaawards/ scroll down to 'covers' and vote for #studentfarmer. When Jizz gets beaten, we all want her beaten by a pig, don't we?
Suzy_Cat you are a much nicer person than I because as loathsome as Dscrace is they are BOTH in it for the money and part of that deal must be that they can use each other (her for column fodder, him for the financial 'perks' and advertising for 'his' business.) The only people I feel sorry for are the true innocent victims that are used and abused in the Diary, and the returning girlfriend from Australia will be her main victim now, I hope she has the guts to take legal action if this is the case. Dscrace's adult children must be so proud of him.
whaddaya wanna bet that he followed her home and is outside her door, as a surprise and to be supportive of her? it would just be toooo goood and almost too funny, if I really wanted to be mean, if he was texting to another woman who DS sees when LJ is working her 21 hour days and is belting up/down the motorway....
I completely agree Seabird. In fact I think he's actually worse than her (if that's possible) because despite her having written these appalling things about his family, ex-wife, former partners etc, he has never once insisted that she stops, and indeed actively keeps giving her more ammunition against them. OLC has already alienated her own family and has no friends at all (except for Sue Needleman, who gets randomly mentioned through no fault of her own) and poor Nic (on the payroll). He's just provided her with a whole slew of new victims and doesn't even seem to care. We all know what she is. I don't think the people in his life had a clue that he was about to throw them under the bus.
I hope the former girlfriend who's about to return from Australia has a lot of good friends around her, she's going to need them.
Wise man. I sent him a congratulatory email earlier today.
Not absolutely sure about Kate Bush to play the Liz role - surely the role requires someone more age-appropriate? I suggest the actress who plays 'Dot' in 'Eastenders'. Pull Dot's hair down from her usual French pleat/bun whatever it's called, tousle it a bit over her boney shoulders and there you are ... Lizard's 'look'!
That's a shame! I'm going to go.
I think we all find amusement in Liz's writing, just not in the way she would wish! If you do go we want a full report, if she does turn up just don't try to talk to her or you could find yourself mentioned in the Diary despatches, especially if your clothes aren't designer (preferably VB) or buttery soft enough.