Overcoming personal tragedy any advice how to cope?
gregrichards
Posts: 4,913 Forum Member
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As many of you know I suffered a personal tragedy nearly nine years ago that changed my life forever. I was just wondering if any of you have suffered a tragic event in your life and if you had any advice on how to cope and move on from it. You don't need to go into what happened to you just how you survived and moved forward from it.
Any replies would be very much appreciated. I understand that this is a very personal question so I understand if nobody replies. Thank you for reading my post.
Any replies would be very much appreciated. I understand that this is a very personal question so I understand if nobody replies. Thank you for reading my post.
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I thought this also. I guess most of us have suffered in the past and we all have our crosses to bear tragedy or otherwise. There is nothing else for it really other than taking one day at a time and moving on as best we can.
I have no idea what you have went through OP so I am sorry if my answer does not reflect the gravity of your personal tragedy. Ongoing counselling depending on the scale would help too I suppose but life goes on and the world keeps revolving and that is a fact. I have lost both parents when I was still young and suffered miscarriage and my husband has a life limiting illness which I am extremely worried about, it is all outwith my control and all I can do is deal with each issue as it arises and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Speaking to others who have suffered the same type of tragedy can also help some people.
I get counselling once a month and am on anti-depressants. It is hard to know what else I can do to move forward. It's like the old me died that day and I grieve with the loss of my old life every day.
I appreciate not many people will have experienced what I have but any advice on how to move on and accept life changing tragic events would be appreciated.
Sorry to hear that, I hope your counselling is helping. I assume they are trying to help you let go of the 'old you' and learn to accept and move forward with the new you? I don't know the extent of your disability but I am always impressed to read and hear of stories of people who have learned to lead fulfilling and happy lives in their new state. Anti depressants definitely have their place and can keep you on a steady level, I have been on them for years (20mg) and there is no shame in it. You didn't mention if you were in touch with people who have the same or similiar disabilities to yourself, I think this would help you enormously, there are many groups out there.
Time my friend, is the only thing that helps. I have a similar story to you. I was involved in a hit and run at the age of 12 then spent over a year in hospital which ended up with me losing a leg. I spent many years feeling down due to not having the "normal" childhood you should have while having many sessions with therapist and on anti depressants but none of it helped.
The thing that changed for me was deciding I wasn't going to let my situation define me. I went to uni half way up the country and went about as if nothing was different. I still have health problems which mean I need to use a wheelchair but I would never let it stop me doing anything I wanted to do.
I know my situation is probably completely different to yours and everything I've said may not apply to you in the slightest but you are still the same person you always were, you just need to keep reminding yourself of that. Hope things get better for you
i hope you start seeing a better picture soon.
I have a friend like this. He came off his motorbike, severed his spine and ended up paraplegic. He could have coped with that but a subsequent operation left him in constant pain, which no (legal) painkillers could eliminate. That's a "tragedy".
If you are not in pain then it's really just a slight setback - although it might seem like a mountain. Any plans you had for your future need to be modified. Look at Stephen Hawking. He uses his brain. You need to do that.
Concentrate on reading and learning all you can. Become an expert in a subject (or several). Look for ways to help other people - it will give you tremendous satisfaction and make your life worthwhile.
BTW antidepressants can make some people suicidal. Look at Robin Williams and that German copilot. I recommend weaning yourself off those drugs. Just look for someone worse off than yourself and find a way to help them.
Good grief, I am gobsmacked with this reply. It seems incredibly harsh and also judgemental, although I'm sure that's not Martin's intention.
I don't subscribe to the, 'there is always someone worse off than you' argument. I've had that used on me. All it did was make me feel even more inadequate. It also heaped guilt on me for feeling the way I did. Like I didn't have the right to feel the way I was. It didn't help at all. In fact, it made me feel a hell of a lot worse.
A personal tragedy is different for each person. It shouldn't be belittled if it isn't deemed to be 'significant' enough in the eyes of others.
My personal tragedy happened in December 1996. It didn't harm me physically, but mentally, by Christ it has nearly finished me off on occasions. Without antidepressants, would I even still be here? I'm not sure. While Martin is right that they don't suit everyone, they are a lifeline for others.
I found counselling and CBT useful. Although I'm one of these people who always puts a brave face on things for others, as I don't want them to worry, so I'm not sure I got as much out of them as I could have done.
Talking, it doesn't matter who to, but it does help. Don't ever feel bad for feeling bad Greg, just accept that you will have bad days. BUT, you'll also have good days. Try not to isolate yourself. I did that, I totally switched off, and it wasn't good.
How much does your condition impact on being able to go out, work etc? Are there any clubs you could join, just to get you out?
Unfortunately there is no magic cure, however, it can get better. Just be kind to yourself.
Take care Greg, big hugs xxx
I'm not sure if I am 'good' but I do know that some people appear to sail through life without anything bad happening and others seem to be beset with all sorts of misfortunes,
I find there are two ways of dealing with this.
1) look at those who are worse off - because there are nearly always those who are worse off.
2) Think of life in terms of chapters - in this way you stop the preceding chapter from sullying the following chapter.
'Some people', doesn't mean everyone should stop taking them.
The benefits far outweigh the risks, the doctor's ask time and time again - Do you have suicidal thought's?
I feel a hell of a lot better for taking them.;-)
I'm in constant pain in my back, legs and feet every waking moment. The only respite I get from it is when I am asleep. I'm on loads of medication mostly for nerve pain and depression. My bladder doesn't work properly so I have a permanent urostomy bag.
I battle the pain and depression every day. I have been suicidal many times over the last nine years and will likely have episodes feeling this way for the rest of my life. I am unable to work.
I lost of my job, career, friends, I will never own a house or be financially secure. When my depression is really bad it feels like it would have been better for me and my family if I had died during the surgery.
Still I remind myself at least I am alive I have been thinking a lot about the people who died in the plane crash two weeks ago particularly the picture of the mum and her seven month old boy.
Thanks for all your replies I really appreciate you taking the time to read my posts and reply.
Thank you for posting this. I've had a few bad weeks but nothing compared to what is being posted here. Your post puts things into perspective.
I was reading earlier about Walter Neff running the London Marathon again at almost 78. Again, it helped to put things into perspective.
To the OP, I hope counselling and the right medication will help you to come to terms with what has happened to you and you can find a way forward.
Thanks Kaz159 I appreciate it and I hope the future is brighter for you soon.
I agree I honestly don't think I would still be here if I wasn't on them. They don't make me happy they just give me the strength to keep going everyday. Although as I have already mentioned it is still a struggle to keep going everyday.
Seconded. I'd be buggered without them!
Have you been on the same ones for a long time? I was on Prozac for years and all was well. Then I started to feel dire again, so my GP swapped me to Citolopram. I felt more like me again within a matter of days. My GP thinks your body can become too tolorant to them after a while and therefore they don't work as well.
I hope you can find someway of feeling better soon. X
To be honest it still sounds like you've had it worse Greg, and I'd agree with whoever said that time is a healer. I take my mind off things by having as greater interest in mundane things like watching sport or going online. Good counseling can also help, hopefully it does in your case too.
Wishing you all the best.
I've found the forums and health information on this site useful. I'm registered there myself.
http://www.patient.co.uk/forums
Good luck x
Thank you for posting your story greg, you are incredibly brave and you are absolutely entitled to feel the way you do. I haven't had a personal tragedy so I have no story to share but my mum is very ill at the moment and I have spent the last two weeks in floods of tears worried about her. So reading your story and how resilient you have been has given me hope and strength. I don't have any useful advice for you except to say that whether you know it or not, your life makes a difference to people. Your post has certainly made a difference to me. x
Good God.
2 people are indicative of the efficacy of anti depressants?
Such dangerous nonsense being spouted here.
So write down what you don't like about your life. The things that you can't change, resolve to work towards acceptance. The things you can change, how can you change them, what can you do? Brainstorm on a page, ask for advice on here and then take action.
And it sounds rather twee, but going to a beautiful place like a forest park or picturesque coastline, sitting in the sun amongst nature and thinking can be really useful in helping you make sense or let go. Well it does for me anyway. It's a reminder of what life is really about. Mortgages and careers fade into insignificance. Friends come and go. You still have your family, and they love you. And you can always come on here and chat to us
But it was obviously good enough to be worth re-posting by you, in case anyone had missed it the first time. Thanks!
As it happens, the OP now tells us he's in constant pain, so my suggestions probably don't apply. In my experience of constant pain (limited to only 3 weeks in bed, thankfully) it's almost impossible to motivate yourself. You have to eliminate or block out the pain first before you can do anything useful.
I believe there are ways to do this, mentally - a sort of self-hypnosis to manage the pain sensations. Has anybody researched this?