Exactly, he doesn't seem to be allowed any privacy at all. No wonder some kids hate their parents.
I would have thought the first step was talking to him and explaining sone of the concerns about intenet safety and verifying people online - or at least watching catfish together. Because I think the parent isn't that aware either.
How did we get to parental stalking as option 1 and tyranny as 2?
I can never understand why parents moan about what their kids get up to on the internet. Don't like it? Then show some control and ban him off it.
Tell him you know what he's been up to as you've been keeping an eye on the situation for his own safety and you're not happy about how it's going. If it doesn't stop then just take his access away.
He's a child ffs. You are the adult. It you don't like what your child is doing then try putting your foot down. Parents these days need to learn how to parent.
I can never understand why parents moan about what their kids get up to on the internet. Don't like it? Then show some control and ban him off it..
Right. Excellent idea. And how exactly can you enforce an Internet ban? At 14 they tend to go to school, have friends, and enough IT education to set up an account.
I think it would be pretty hard banning someone past 11 (and that's pushing it) from the internet now, especially as games are so often Interne connected now.
Unfortunately there is every reason to be concerned about what your young do online, and safety first is where I would be coming from, and I would explain that, I believe trust works both ways, kids have friends, they need a parent to be a parent, whether they like it or not.
I am sure the parents of kids who have been hurt or worse wish they had been more vigilant.
Teens are a minefield but I would have an amicable conversation about the dangers, and that it is the person he is talking to you don't trust. If it takes covert spying to keep them safe so be it. Mutual trust and honesty is the ideal, but you do what you have to to keep him safe.
Maybe befriend the girl yourself and see if she is genuine. Good luck.
Well as 14 year old boy he has been coy and denied having a girl friend to his mum. Also he has thought this crush on a girl was a bit more serious than it is while exagerating to try and impress her.
Serious child protection on the internet aside some of this is normal teenage behaviour.
Best way to check who somebody is on the net is to chat to them on web cam.
Absolutely not, I am deadly serious , my three kids are now 17, 19 and 24 they are all mature, sensible, well behaved young adults, they are in no doubt whatsoever who are the parents in this house, parents first , buddies second, they obey all the house rules. I've had no bother with drink, drugs or anti social behaviour and if they don't like it they can move out, well the ones over 18 can, however they love living here and they love me. I didnt have to shout, i didn't have to smack , i never had to raise my voice, i was just fair, firm and made them face the consequences of everything. It worked for us as a family, you of course can do what you like , we are all different.
very much like my upbringing. And my mum didn't have any problems with me and drink, drugs, antisocial behaviour, sex etc - doesn't mean I didn't go out of a weekend, drink several large vodkas, sniffed a line of coke and had sex with a stranger.
Well as 14 year old boy he has been coy and denied having a girl friend to his mum. Also he has thought this crush on a girl was a bit more serious than it is while exagerating to try and impress her.
Serious child protection on the internet aside some of this is normal teenage behaviour.
Best way to check who somebody is on the net is to chat to them on web cam.
Yes - there are scammers/blackmailers on the net - just watch out for inconsistencies or "the hook" - there are sites with a list of the common ones.
The only way to help keep children as safe as you can physically mentally and emotionally is to know where they are, what they are doing, who they are with. Don't forget - they are children. Not yet mature enough to fully know what they do, or the implications.
I've been meeting people off of the internet since I was about 16, even some lovely folk from here.
I've also worked with young people for a long-time, and prior to them going out of business I was a LGBT life mentor for BeatBullying, which meant I regularly spoke about Internet safety, I'm practically an expert, and my parents often took me to meet people, and had no issue with it.
Even had one of them stay at my parents place, who welcomed him happily..
I feel some of the suggestions are quite heavy handed, and would be more likely to cause your child to not talk to you about stuff.
Because I had my mum's trust, she's always known what's going on, because I never had anything to hide.
The only way to help keep children as safe as you can physically mentally and emotionally is to know where they are, what they are doing, who they are with. Don't forget - they are children. Not yet mature enough to fully know what they do, or the implications.
I think the best way is to equip them and teach them to look after their own security. At 14 they should be developing those social skills on their own. Sooner or later they need to be able to spot a fake, scammer etc for themselves. It's best that they practise whilst still under parental supervision.
Where parents are draconian you never get that. Thinking your children don't do anything wrong or have no issues is a bad sign. It means they can't discuss their mistakes with you and would rather cover them up.
Or why not set up a Skype session so that you can see for yourself if the other person really is a 15 year old girl! At the very least, you could then put some thoughts out of your mind.
I agree with that. If your son has a Skype cam chat with this girl, then at least your son and yourself will know if the girl is genuine or fake. You could supervise the cam chat.
I also do not think the original poster should be spying on the son though. You need to show you trust your son.
Anyone else notice that the OP hasn't actually been back since posting this?
Yes I have been back and seen every reply.
We have told him that he can chat with her as long as no photos are sent to her and that he needs to stop doing it all in secret but don't think he has listened to that.
To be truthful he will find a way of talking to her behide our backs but she does not seem to be at school so not sure what age they leave school over there.
We have told him that he can chat with her as long as no photos are sent to her and that he needs to stop doing it all in secret but don't think he has listened to that.
I really don't think these are practical (or necessarily 'right') though.
In this day and age of selfies, Facebook, webcams and so forth how and why ban him from sending photo's?
Do you not think he should have privacy?
To be truthful he will find a way of talking to her behide our backs but she does not seem to be at school so not sure what age they leave school over there.
Home-schooling (or even receiving no education at all) seems to be a lot more common in the US than over here.
Having said that though, how do you know she isn't at school, but just messaging him via a phone, for example?
They are all doing it in class these days but God how did we cope without smartphones when we was kids at school some 25 years ago.
We just want to make sure he understand the risks that's all as we keep saying over and over to him that he can chat to her.
Now days if parents care to much that's wrong and if parents don't give a dam that's wrong as well.
Parents can't win.
To be fair, the bit in bold sounds about right to me.
The risks are remarkably low here anyhow if she's genuinely in the US. It's hardly like either of them is just going to be able to jump on a plane, on a whim.
If mum and dad know all their online log ins, they'll possibly get another device, tablets aren't that expensive and a 14yo with a paper round could easily buy one.
Then have one Facebook for the parents to spy on, filled with real life friends and relatives, talking about school etc and a secret account the parents don't know about, for talking to internet friends.
Teenagers deserve respect and privacy.
A paper round wage for a few hours a week could buy a tablet?! Good grief, I can't afford a tablet on my own wage. I presume an IT connection on them would be an ongoing cost as well. All very silly. They may be teenagers but they are still in the eyes of the law children. Parents do have a right to know who they are communicating with in their own homes.
We have told him that he can chat with her as long as no photos are sent to her and that he needs to stop doing it all in secret but don't think he has listened to that.
To be truthful he will find a way of talking to her behide our backs but she does not seem to be at school so not sure what age they leave school over there.
Eighteen is the typical leaving age. (We call it graduating) although as long as the requirements are met, students can finish high school at younger ages. (I was sixteen when I went off to college.) There are more home schooled kids these days, but they're still in the minority. The vast majority of students attend either a public or private school.
You need to give your kid some ground rules. And the Skype chat sounds like a good idea. It would put your fears to rest about grooming and scammers. Plus, shouldn't all parents meet their kids dating partners anyway?
I think the best way is to equip them and teach them to look after their own security. At 14 they should be developing those social skills on their own. Sooner or later they need to be able to spot a fake, scammer etc for themselves. It's best that they practise whilst still under parental supervision.
Where parents are draconian you never get that. Thinking your children don't do anything wrong or have no issues is a bad sign. It means they can't discuss their mistakes with you and would rather cover them up.
This exactly. Children should be taught at a youngish age by their parents about the dangers of the internet and how to use it safely.
Its much better to teach them why certain things are right and wrong and let them have the freedom to do what they think is right rather than the other posters suggestion or regular inspections!
As a youngster i was allowed free reign on the internet and we had no kid proof programmes or anything like that. I was trusted that i wouldnt give out personal information, post inappropriate images or anything like that, and guess what? I didnt!
A paper round wage for a few hours a week could buy a tablet?! Good grief, I can't afford a tablet on my own wage. I presume an IT connection on them would be an ongoing cost as well. All very silly. They may be teenagers but they are still in the eyes of the law children. Parents do have a right to know who they are communicating with in their own homes.
My friend's 14 yo gets 15 quid a week for his paper round, he could save up and get a tablet within a few weeks. I'm not talking about an iPad, just a cheap device, they're a lot less, about £60 - £70. Internet connection, presumably would be the WiFi the kid is already using. Or there are plenty of free WiFi spots. Lots of scope for someone to chat online when they have been ordered not to.
That's all irrelevant however, as the OP doesn't have a problem with her son chatting to the girl as long as he is open about it.
Right. Excellent idea. And how exactly can you enforce an Internet ban? At 14 they tend to go to school, have friends, and enough IT education to set up an account.
I think it would be pretty hard banning someone past 11 (and that's pushing it) from the internet now, especially as games are so often Interne connected now.
And where would they use it to access it? School wouldn't allow it. Would a friend allow you to use their phone? Doubt it. He could go round their house after school but again that can be stopped by monitoring them or you could call your son's friend's parents and ask them to inform you if he's accessing such sites round their house. Take his phone away or password protect his computer so he can only access it at your request. He's a child. It's not like he can just go out and buy himself a new phone, PC or tablet on his own. Where he gonna get the money from?
It's actually pretty easy to stop your son from accessing the internet. It's just lazy parents that can't be bothered to enforce it. He can only access online gaming sites if YOU allow him and give him access to it. Otherwise the only place he can do it is round a friend's house and he's not likely to be using his mate's PC or phone etc to chat up some girl.
Also you should always know where your kids are at all times. You make sure they tell you where they go and what tine they'll be back and a contact number where you can get them. If they don't abide by your rules, they don't get to go out.
If they have a job like a paper round you monitor the money. You make them give it to you so you can keep track of what they're spending it on so if they want something they have to ask you for it. Until they are 18 you are still their trustee. Again if they refuse then they don't get to go out.
Trouble with a lot of parents these days is they don't know how to parent. They allow kids to rule the household, give in too easily and let them do what they want and get all their own way for an easy life and generally find it's too much of a bother and a hinderence to their own enjoyment and social life to put any effort or discipline in. They have no backbone to stand up to their own children.
It's nothing to do with not being able to stop them from doing something you dislike, it's about standing up and taking control and actuality putting the effort in. I guess for some parents it's easier to make excuses then blame society for their own failings.
If a teenager is disciplined enough to get out of bed 5 days a week at 6am, cycle approximately 7 miles, delivering papers in all weathers, and then go to school, you'd be a hard-hearted parent to say 'hand over your wages!' More than hard-hearted actually, you'd be totally out of order. Having a paper-round shows a good work ethic and an understanding of money from an early age.
Comments
I would have thought the first step was talking to him and explaining sone of the concerns about intenet safety and verifying people online - or at least watching catfish together. Because I think the parent isn't that aware either.
How did we get to parental stalking as option 1 and tyranny as 2?
100% correct, well said
Right. Excellent idea. And how exactly can you enforce an Internet ban? At 14 they tend to go to school, have friends, and enough IT education to set up an account.
I think it would be pretty hard banning someone past 11 (and that's pushing it) from the internet now, especially as games are so often Interne connected now.
I am sure the parents of kids who have been hurt or worse wish they had been more vigilant.
Teens are a minefield but I would have an amicable conversation about the dangers, and that it is the person he is talking to you don't trust. If it takes covert spying to keep them safe so be it. Mutual trust and honesty is the ideal, but you do what you have to to keep him safe.
Maybe befriend the girl yourself and see if she is genuine. Good luck.
Well as 14 year old boy he has been coy and denied having a girl friend to his mum. Also he has thought this crush on a girl was a bit more serious than it is while exagerating to try and impress her.
Serious child protection on the internet aside some of this is normal teenage behaviour.
Best way to check who somebody is on the net is to chat to them on web cam.
very much like my upbringing. And my mum didn't have any problems with me and drink, drugs, antisocial behaviour, sex etc - doesn't mean I didn't go out of a weekend, drink several large vodkas, sniffed a line of coke and had sex with a stranger.
Yes - there are scammers/blackmailers on the net - just watch out for inconsistencies or "the hook" - there are sites with a list of the common ones.
I've also worked with young people for a long-time, and prior to them going out of business I was a LGBT life mentor for BeatBullying, which meant I regularly spoke about Internet safety, I'm practically an expert, and my parents often took me to meet people, and had no issue with it.
Even had one of them stay at my parents place, who welcomed him happily..
I feel some of the suggestions are quite heavy handed, and would be more likely to cause your child to not talk to you about stuff.
Because I had my mum's trust, she's always known what's going on, because I never had anything to hide.
I think the best way is to equip them and teach them to look after their own security. At 14 they should be developing those social skills on their own. Sooner or later they need to be able to spot a fake, scammer etc for themselves. It's best that they practise whilst still under parental supervision.
Where parents are draconian you never get that. Thinking your children don't do anything wrong or have no issues is a bad sign. It means they can't discuss their mistakes with you and would rather cover them up.
I agree with that. If your son has a Skype cam chat with this girl, then at least your son and yourself will know if the girl is genuine or fake. You could supervise the cam chat.
I also do not think the original poster should be spying on the son though. You need to show you trust your son.
Yes I have been back and seen every reply.
We have told him that he can chat with her as long as no photos are sent to her and that he needs to stop doing it all in secret but don't think he has listened to that.
To be truthful he will find a way of talking to her behide our backs but she does not seem to be at school so not sure what age they leave school over there.
I really don't think these are practical (or necessarily 'right') though.
In this day and age of selfies, Facebook, webcams and so forth how and why ban him from sending photo's?
Do you not think he should have privacy?
Home-schooling (or even receiving no education at all) seems to be a lot more common in the US than over here.
Having said that though, how do you know she isn't at school, but just messaging him via a phone, for example?
They are all doing it in class these days but God how did we cope without smartphones when we was kids at school some 25 years ago.
We just want to make sure he understand the risks that's all as we keep saying over and over to him that he can chat to her.
Now days if parents care to much that's wrong and if parents don't give a dam that's wrong as well.
Parents can't win.
To be fair, the bit in bold sounds about right to me.
The risks are remarkably low here anyhow if she's genuinely in the US. It's hardly like either of them is just going to be able to jump on a plane, on a whim.
A paper round wage for a few hours a week could buy a tablet?! Good grief, I can't afford a tablet on my own wage. I presume an IT connection on them would be an ongoing cost as well. All very silly. They may be teenagers but they are still in the eyes of the law children. Parents do have a right to know who they are communicating with in their own homes.
Eighteen is the typical leaving age. (We call it graduating) although as long as the requirements are met, students can finish high school at younger ages. (I was sixteen when I went off to college.) There are more home schooled kids these days, but they're still in the minority. The vast majority of students attend either a public or private school.
You need to give your kid some ground rules. And the Skype chat sounds like a good idea. It would put your fears to rest about grooming and scammers. Plus, shouldn't all parents meet their kids dating partners anyway?
This exactly. Children should be taught at a youngish age by their parents about the dangers of the internet and how to use it safely.
Its much better to teach them why certain things are right and wrong and let them have the freedom to do what they think is right rather than the other posters suggestion or regular inspections!
As a youngster i was allowed free reign on the internet and we had no kid proof programmes or anything like that. I was trusted that i wouldnt give out personal information, post inappropriate images or anything like that, and guess what? I didnt!
That's all irrelevant however, as the OP doesn't have a problem with her son chatting to the girl as long as he is open about it.
And where would they use it to access it? School wouldn't allow it. Would a friend allow you to use their phone? Doubt it. He could go round their house after school but again that can be stopped by monitoring them or you could call your son's friend's parents and ask them to inform you if he's accessing such sites round their house. Take his phone away or password protect his computer so he can only access it at your request. He's a child. It's not like he can just go out and buy himself a new phone, PC or tablet on his own. Where he gonna get the money from?
It's actually pretty easy to stop your son from accessing the internet. It's just lazy parents that can't be bothered to enforce it. He can only access online gaming sites if YOU allow him and give him access to it. Otherwise the only place he can do it is round a friend's house and he's not likely to be using his mate's PC or phone etc to chat up some girl.
Also you should always know where your kids are at all times. You make sure they tell you where they go and what tine they'll be back and a contact number where you can get them. If they don't abide by your rules, they don't get to go out.
If they have a job like a paper round you monitor the money. You make them give it to you so you can keep track of what they're spending it on so if they want something they have to ask you for it. Until they are 18 you are still their trustee. Again if they refuse then they don't get to go out.
Trouble with a lot of parents these days is they don't know how to parent. They allow kids to rule the household, give in too easily and let them do what they want and get all their own way for an easy life and generally find it's too much of a bother and a hinderence to their own enjoyment and social life to put any effort or discipline in. They have no backbone to stand up to their own children.
It's nothing to do with not being able to stop them from doing something you dislike, it's about standing up and taking control and actuality putting the effort in. I guess for some parents it's easier to make excuses then blame society for their own failings.