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how can i help my dad?
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hi all> im not sure if people remember when i posted on here a couple of years ago when we discovered my mam was terminally ill with cancer and passed away two years ago.
at first my dad was doing brilliant, he attended a computer course and also put his name down to do charity work for quite a few charities but sadly has heard nothing back (hes 79, not sure if thats why).
anyway this year he has started to get extremely depressed, its like delayed grief and its caught up with him. i go and see him everyday but he says its the night times when he feels the worse, and without sounding dramatic its heartbreaking to see him so low as it just isnt in his character.
we have a spare room at our home and i have said many times he should sell up and come live with us, his house is too big and full of memories, plus he has trouble keeping it clean although of course i help. he keeps swinging between wanting to and then saying he wouldnt feel right selling up and moving in with us, as he took out equity release on his house before my mam was diagnosed and if he sells it he says whatever he has left wont be much of an inheitance with house prices being low etc etc.
i have told him quite frankly i dont give a s**t about inheritance i just want him here with us so i can look after him and he isnt lonely, but he wont even go to the doctors and discuss his decline in mood with the doctors,
i feel like i cant do anymore for him but its not enough to cure loneliness, so basically has anybody had this problem and how did you manage to persuade the person involved to come and live out the rest of their life with their family without sounding pushy or make them feel pressured?
sorry for long post, thanks for any advice
at first my dad was doing brilliant, he attended a computer course and also put his name down to do charity work for quite a few charities but sadly has heard nothing back (hes 79, not sure if thats why).
anyway this year he has started to get extremely depressed, its like delayed grief and its caught up with him. i go and see him everyday but he says its the night times when he feels the worse, and without sounding dramatic its heartbreaking to see him so low as it just isnt in his character.
we have a spare room at our home and i have said many times he should sell up and come live with us, his house is too big and full of memories, plus he has trouble keeping it clean although of course i help. he keeps swinging between wanting to and then saying he wouldnt feel right selling up and moving in with us, as he took out equity release on his house before my mam was diagnosed and if he sells it he says whatever he has left wont be much of an inheitance with house prices being low etc etc.
i have told him quite frankly i dont give a s**t about inheritance i just want him here with us so i can look after him and he isnt lonely, but he wont even go to the doctors and discuss his decline in mood with the doctors,
i feel like i cant do anymore for him but its not enough to cure loneliness, so basically has anybody had this problem and how did you manage to persuade the person involved to come and live out the rest of their life with their family without sounding pushy or make them feel pressured?
sorry for long post, thanks for any advice
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at first my dad was doing brilliant, he attended a computer course and also put his name down to do charity work for quite a few charities but sadly has heard nothing back (hes 79, not sure if thats why).
anyway this year he has started to get extremely depressed, its like delayed grief and its caught up with him. i go and see him everyday but he says its the night times when he feels the worse, and without sounding dramatic its heartbreaking to see him so low as it just isnt in his character.
we have a spare room at our home and i have said many times he should sell up and come live with us, his house is too big and full of memories, plus he has trouble keeping it clean although of course i help. he keeps swinging between wanting to and then saying he wouldnt feel right selling up and moving in with us, as he took out equity release on his house before my mam was diagnosed and if he sells it he says whatever he has left wont be much of an inheritance with house prices being low etc etc.
i have told him quite frankly i dont give a s**t about inheritance i just want him here with us so i can look after him and he isnt lonely, but he wont even go to the doctors and discuss his decline in mood with the doctors,
i feel like i cant do anymore for him but its not enough to cure loneliness, so basically has anybody had this problem and how did you manage to persuade the person involved to come and live out the rest of their life with their family without sounding pushy or make them feel pressured?
sorry for long post, thanks for any advice
Old people can be very funny as they come from the generation that liked to leave something behind. In this way he can do that, have a nice new home and you maintain some of your privacy as well.
EDIT: I think you have started two threads by mistake OP. I was scratching my head as I was sure I had posted!
Im really sorry for your situation, i dont have experience of this but i really wanted to say you sound like a fantastic daughter cos a lot of people wouldnt bother im sure.
Is there any way you can rent your dads house while he moves in with you so he still owns it? It might make him feel better then selling it outright.
Also maybe try just one night a week instead of a complete move and go from there?
Take Care and Good Luck xxxxx
Brilliant! I am glad I suggested something useful. I think that older people really need to have their own space and a nice little bed sit with a settee and a TV and radio could be just the thing. He was also feel that you have your privacy as well when you need it.
Re: the two threads. (Easily done!). If you alert the first post of the other thread and just ask the mods to delete or merge it then I am sure that will be fine.
Also if he is up for voluntary work atm and it's not forthcoming, could you not say that you need a bit of help at home with things, folding washing or bits of gardening, sitting with the children for an hour or so, something to give him a bit of purpose each week to look forward to and to get him used to being away from his home.
We also have an over 60s club near where we are, is there anything similar near him or you that he could get involved in.
without sounding harsh and judgemental, I just want to offer you a different perspective as to where your dad is mentally.
Your dad at 79, is an old skool kinda of guy, the way he is programmed / conditioned like several from his day and age are "a mans house his is castle" etc etc
He has always been the provider, the one to take care of everyone and everything, that for the last 25 - 40 years is all he knows.
His little girl (you) has a lovely family, he has brought her up remarkably well as is clearly evident.
Add to it, the fact he has not given up even after the death of your mum (im sorry about that) he attended computer classes and even applied to some charity work. A kind of light at the end of his tunnel.
Unfortunately the charity work did not come through (another knock for him)
So whilst I know he will always grieve for your mum, I think a tough old cookie like ya father is more despondent and down because he wants to get on with life (i.e. do charity work and live alone) as it means he is reliant upon himself and himself only.
If he were to come at live with you which I am sure in his heart of hearts he really wants to he feels he may become complacement, cause rifts between you and your partner (unintentionally) and generally just be in the way. Bless him even at 79 he wants his own independance rather to feel in the way.
So thats where he is mentally and staying in doors as you know with limited amount of things to do is not helping. So he has alot going on in his mind.
I dont know if you have considered any of the above as we are all guilty when attached in any given situation from looking at it from the other persons point of view?
Some great suggestions and methods of persuasion have been recommended and I am sure more will follow.
However its like all of us,the more someone says yes the more we say errr no
Whilst your dilemma requires more patience and tolerance I would in the interim suggest you back off a little, still go and visit him daily but try not to speak about the subject for a few days a week or two maybe. Then try and bring it up again but very so mildy i.e. "have you given it any more thought about coming to stay with me"
Instead of hanging on the things you are worried about i.e. his mood, his cooking and all that try and coax him out gently i.e. use your kids as bait, or your hubby or the lovely garden you have that needs tending to but you have no time etc get my drift.
I am of the belief the more different style of tactics you use ALL except the direct approach about him being lonely, him not getting out much, him not doing the washing or the cooking, or selling up, may just swing it in your way.
Finally, I can appreciate and my heart goes out to you how you must feel and again I repeat I can feel your intention is pure love, especially in this day and age when kids quickly forget their elderly parents BUT as its such a delicate and fragile matter, think of it as a challenge for you in so much as it is teaching you patience, tolerance and understanding as they say theres always something to learn.
Slowly but surely in time, if you keep using other tactics such as getting your kids to ask him when he is coming to stay and your hubby maybe or ask him to come over more to watch X, Y and Z and as the hot weather approaches to join you in your garden for BBQ or cuz the kids friends are coming round, you never know he might just change his mind.
Other ways are, oh can you come and show my son how to do this on his PC, I forgot, anything and everything to get him round your place ;-)
You have kids I am sure you have your ways, all women do and I think that is what is required rather then sell the house, rent the house, come over for weekends etc The good thing is as you know he is lonely at night, you can get him round at night spend time with kids and that and then just drop it gently, "do you mind staying here" I will drop you back in the morning I am so tired to drive or hubby has an early start etc and maybe like that the more he is out and within your environment the more he might not just wanna go back.
Practice is better then theory in this case i.e. getting him out first, then he will not like it at first (thats just the panic in him) but slowly and surely like all the things we dislike at the start, we in the end really begin to enjoy them.
So that when he is sat at home on his todd, he may just rethink so the next time you ask, fancy coming to stay he will be like "oh right then" because he knows what he is going into it and realises he will not be in the way.
Good luck with it all....
Can you reduce the amount of house that he uses in order to make keeping it clean an easier task? Could he afford to have someone come in and clean once a week - or even a bigger clean once a month - so it's not all for him to do?
He may have started off feeling that okay, his wife has died but there are plenty of things he can still do. Only that hasn't proved to be so easy and perhaps he's now feeling that he has to face the years to his death without a partner. That can be a very depressing prospect, no matter how good children or grandchildren are.
The loneliness of no longer having a much loved partner and friend can't be totally assuaged by anyone else, no matter how loving and well-meaning. This is the loneliness that hits when you get back after a pleasant day out and sit down with a cup of tea and realise that the person you want to sit with and chat about the day will never be there again.
It's the loneliness that hits at 3am when you wake up feeling a bit ill and there's no one there to give you the confidence that you'll be fine or that if you're not fine, they will get on the phone to doctor or ambulance.
In all of this I'm describing my mother who was widowed two years ago after 62 years of a genuinely happy marriage. She's coping very well, she lives a satisfactory life, but she will always be sad.
Finally, is there any chance he's got a health problem that is worrying him or depressing him? Is it possible he's worrying about something physical, the early stages of dementia, something like that? Although, if he won't go to the doctor, it'll be difficult to find out. Make sure he stays well-hydrated because the elderly are prone to urinary tract infections and this can pull them down mentally while not showing any obvious physical signs.
It's a very difficult situation with no easy and fast answers that work for everyone. The coming of spring and longer, warmer days may help too. We're all prone to being a bit down by the end of winter.
My Dad died last year and after 50 odd years, my Mum found it very hard being on her own but she was adamant she didn't want to live with any of us (as her own Mother had lived with her sister and hated it). My Mum's house is too big for her but she doesn't want to move because all her memories of my Dad are there. My Mum is very up and down. We have suggested a bereavement councilor. Have you asked your dad if he would like to speak to one?
Getting him a dog sounds like an excellent idea to me
A friend of mines Gran lived in a mobile home in their garden. I don`t know if that is a feasible idea. As for dogs. How about you get one for you, but get your Dad to look after it some of the time?
The holiday idea sounds just the job, and maybe you can stick your nose into what has exactly happened re the volunteering - has he made the right applications to the right people and included the correct documentation and information, etc? There must be somewhere that would welcome him, and perhaps you can help him get that sorted.
Best wishes.
My mam and dad are same about dogs (too old to get a new dog, etc.), but they need them to stay active and they love dogs. When their two go, I'll find another one for them.
What a lovely daughter you are, your dad is very lucky, alot of people would just put their parents in a home.
So sorry you don't have children - that's tough, I appreciate but you are enough for your Dad and he's so lucky to have you in his life. My parents have always assured me of this and I'll bet it holds true for you too.
Your dad's comment about old fogies made me smile. My husband, 25 years older than me and retired, is much the same attitude to anyone older although he's ten years younger than your dad. I can't imagine him going into any 'club' for over 50's!
How about arranging that holiday? It would give him something to focus on and deal with him on skills to 'pay' for it. Maybe you can cook and drive for him? I am sure that would be much appreciated and if you went off peak then it would be cheap (take advantage of not having to be restricted by school holidays - a small if not heartfelt advantage of being without children).
Two things crossed my mind. What about a lodger? There is a scheme that I can't recall the name of annoyingly but it was about older people offering reduced rates to students in their houses in exchange for companionship and tasks. Age Concern might have links. The other thought was The Cinnamon Trust who are desperate for help. They seek volunteers to walk dogs or feed cats for those who are poorly but don't to give their pets up. They also look for foster carers for animals either long or short term. I have to say that we're getting a dog as I find I need a reason some days to get up and fill the gap that childlessness not by choice brings. It maybe that a stop gap would help both your dad and a much loved pet without lots of commitment.
I like Shadow's suggestion of fostering a pet. That would give him the companionship that he needs without him having to worry about long-term commitment and in the meantime you could all be working towards the solution.
I know you said he doesn't like cats but he might like a little old scruffy dog who just wants to be loved. After my mum died my dad took himself off to the Blue Cross without telling us and found himself a beautiful rescue cat who quickly became devoted to my dad and dad got so much pleasure from Chester (as he named him).
Just to add to this, many dog rescues are desperate for foster carers for older dogs. Many will pay all the vets fees for an older dog. All they want is a dog-loving experienced home with someone who will look after the dog and walk them to their needs.
The OPs father sounds ideal for this.
What a terrific idea.