Mums cancer has spread to liver, anybody dealt with this?
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Hi,
I wrote a while back about my mum who had bowel cancer. Sadly despite the cancer being removed and chemo she has become ill again nad today they confirmed it is in her liver, colon and other nodes (sp). They have said there is nothing more can be done and she was released home today to live out her time at home with my Dad and of course i will be going down everyday.
Theres is a MacMillan Nurse coming whne needed. One of the questions i wanted to ask the doctor today was how long can we expect for her to live, but when he raised this my mum and dad said they didn't want to know so of course i left it. Looking on the internet i have found a few good sites and all seem to give a matter of months in untreated cases like my mams, but, and i know this sounds morbid, i just wondered if there is anybody out there who had had this in their family and could tell me how they dealt with it and what they know of time scales. She already has a jaundiced look and sleeps a lot and has lost a lot of weight, the thing is my Dad is talking about taking her away next summer for "A nice special holiday", but in my heart i dont think she will be here, and i feel i need to perhaps try to bring him round, or should i let him think this as maybe it helps him cope?
Sorry for the long post, but the last time i asked on here people were great and i suppose i just want to vent as i do not have close friends and my family seem to be in denial a bit.
thank you xx
I wrote a while back about my mum who had bowel cancer. Sadly despite the cancer being removed and chemo she has become ill again nad today they confirmed it is in her liver, colon and other nodes (sp). They have said there is nothing more can be done and she was released home today to live out her time at home with my Dad and of course i will be going down everyday.
Theres is a MacMillan Nurse coming whne needed. One of the questions i wanted to ask the doctor today was how long can we expect for her to live, but when he raised this my mum and dad said they didn't want to know so of course i left it. Looking on the internet i have found a few good sites and all seem to give a matter of months in untreated cases like my mams, but, and i know this sounds morbid, i just wondered if there is anybody out there who had had this in their family and could tell me how they dealt with it and what they know of time scales. She already has a jaundiced look and sleeps a lot and has lost a lot of weight, the thing is my Dad is talking about taking her away next summer for "A nice special holiday", but in my heart i dont think she will be here, and i feel i need to perhaps try to bring him round, or should i let him think this as maybe it helps him cope?
Sorry for the long post, but the last time i asked on here people were great and i suppose i just want to vent as i do not have close friends and my family seem to be in denial a bit.
thank you xx
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Good luck
In such circumstances I would be extremely reluctant to superimpose my personal view of any projected future reality on his.
You appear to believe he is in denial. Ultimately that is his privilege, as it is his way of coping.
I have been where you are and it was also important to me to know how long my mothers life was to be - of course noone can say for sure. I say go with your instincts - they are usually right.
I would say make the most of every single day and every single conversation you have with her. I'm afraid it is amazing how quickly things can happen.
In my experience it was a time to say and do things that mattered, it was a special time, a spiritual time, an honest time and I soaked up mothers company as if it was a gift from God [which of course it was].
I wish you strength and courage to face the coming times. Look after yourself too.
Keep being strong
Mum did a very good job of hiding how bad she was and never told me nor dad how bad it was to protect us and always thought of us before herself, and right up till her last week I thought she was getting better and her and dad were talking about going away - it was only after she had gone that my auntie (mum's sister) told me that mum knew the previous christmas that nothing could be done.
As has been said use the time to make your mum happy and make sure you ask any questions before it's to late, and try to give her the best christmas ever.
If you want someone to talk to please don't hesitate to PM me.
Is she not being offered any chemo at all now? They can still give chemo for liver metastasis, I know someone who was given capecitabine which seemed to have prolonged life. He (the person I'm thinking of) was given weeks to live on diagnosis, but ended up surviving for over 18 months. He had a touch of jaundice, was terribly thin but had a very swollen abdomen towards the end
I am so sorry, it's is just the cruellest thing. I hope your mam can carry on for a good while yet - make sure you all use the Macmillan Nurses service as much as you can, they can be a tower of strength in terrible moments. I really do wish you and your mam and family all the best x . Please let us kow how you are coping.
same thing really.mum had operation 3 years ago and had radiotherapy.it went away but she became ill at the beginning of the year.it came back and they couldnt do anything for her.
it was about 3 months she lived after they told her.
she spent the last 5 weeks in hospital.
there was talk of her coming back out but she got worse and it spread everywhere in the end.it was very harrowing.
i pray that doesnt happen to your mum and she dies peacefully at home.
her gp told her she never had long to live at the time but it varies from person to person.even when they said it was 48 hours it turned out over 100.
the macmillan nurses are good and they can come in quite a few times a day.
my thoughts are with you.
My brother lasted about 8 months but spent a lot of time in hospital and was fairly immobile towards the end as well.
Just take every day as it comes and make the most of it. It's a terrible thing to live through, just be strong for your mum.
I really feel for you:(:(
The MacMillan nurses were superb.
My mum died of liver cancer, it started in her breast and spread, watching her go was the hardest thing i have done in my life, lean on your friends that's what they are there for
love and light to all your family
My dad had kidney cancer last year, and although he was told he was in full remission, at his last meeting with a consultant last month, they told him to expect it to come back. They also said if it does return, it's quite likely to be elsewhere in the body as a lymph node was malignant last time too. So although he feels completely healthy, we all feel like we are playing a waiting game.
You vent away all you want sweetie...
I am sorry to hear your mum's health had declined - but please, don't worry yourself about how your family are thinking... This really is one of those 'everyone copes differently' situations...
Your dad talking about a holiday... Perhaps it might be a little impractical but it's a lovely dream and it if helps him to keep positive for your mum and put a hopeful smile on his own face then let him do that... I'm very practical but my dream was to talk of a future holiday on a lovely beach where we'd make sand angels and castles...
You can only be given estimates in time... Everyone is so very, very different... One thing though is that you can either spend this time worrying about when it might end or you can enjoy a little fantasy such as your dad might be doing or you can look it head on...
This is a terribly worrying, draining, upsetting and all round damn difficult time to go through... But it can also be a time that will be amazingly special - when moments really matter and the simple contact between you, your mum and your family is truly beautiful...
My son was given six months... He lasted twelve and died at home earlier this year... It wasn't long enough by any stretch of the imagination - but no length of time would have been... Some of it wasn't pretty and it was the hardest and most emotionally draining period of my life... But I cherished every single minute, wrapped myself up in the 'now', and honestly, in amongst all of the perfectly normal difficult stuff and emotions; some of the most beautiful and touching moments and memories of my life will always be from being beside him during his journey...
This time last year we too were planning an extra special Christmas and crossing our fingers we'd get there... As many terminally ill patients do, he had a wonderful little flurry of energy from Boxing Day to the New Year and it was so special...
This will be one of the if not the hardest thing you ever have to face... Enjoy every moment you can with your mum... Take strength from each other... Take care and if you want to rant privately, feel free to PM...
I agree...
x
I had never told my dad I loved him before and I made sure I did before he went, that means more now than ever.
Try and be happy and keep things as 'lighthearted' as possible, I made a tape for my Dad with all different music on and kept it playing when he was ill towards the end, just songs he liked.
You are not alone, I didn't have any friends to confide in either but I hope that if you need to you can pm me, I'm here for you take care and try to remember the happy times xxx
My poor Nana was at the doctors every week for months complaining of stomach ache, which they dismissed as indigestion/acid. turns out she had liver cancer, which was only diagnosed when she was admitted to hospital with severe stomach ache, unfortunately the day after the diagnosis she died. I get so mad some days...if they had list
He eventually got paralysed and bedridden and they gave him a hospital bed at home and round the clock nursing so he could die in his own house as he was terrified of the hospital. At the point he was paralysed they said that men usually at this point live 1-2 weeks. He lived another 6 months. The doctor and nurses said they'd never seen anythign like it.
It was really brave and courageous and he fought the cancer like a tiger. Everyone was convinced he managed to long outlive the prognoses because of his mental attitude. He refused to die until a few things had been sorted out he'd been worrying about - little practical things about the house.
He had no pain not even right up to the end but that is typical with prostate cancer.
It is a difficult time for family - we knew his prognosis at the start, but took the decision not to tell the kids he had cancer, so they could enjoy their final months (years as it turned out) with grandad. So nothing clouded their memories of him and that was one aspect of it we found very difficult. Dad lived 150 miles away so the kids would wonder why I was in pieces every time we visited him and I left - because every single time I waved goodbye to my dad might have been the last time.
There was a lot for us to do - and near the end we drove down every 7-10 days to see him, relying on other family to babysit our 5 kids. That shuttling up and down the motorway for the last 5 months was the most harrowing time in my life.
He died peacefully one afternoon. I saw him the day before as we'd been told he wouldn't have long. The good side of this is - you get to say your goodbyes. You get to say everything you ever wanted to. My dad was a private person and he and I were very close as my mum died when I was a kid, so he was my mum and my dad, to me. He was all I had for years. But he never could tell me he loved me - until those last months. Then he told me every time he saw me. My mum's death (asthma) was sudden and unexpected. She was bringing me home from school, and making my tea one day and the next morning - she was gone. At the time that seemed brutal but... Dad dying of cancer turned out to be more harrowing in some ways than that - in other ways, kinder - in that you can say all you want before they go and you can have a sort of mental run up to it.
It was 2 years ago now but still very raw.
PM me anytime if you need to. xxx
My poor Nana was at the doctors every week for months complaining of stomach ache, which they dismissed as indigestion/acid. turns out she had liver cancer, which was only diagnosed when she was admitted to hospital with severe stomach ache, unfortunately the day after the diagnosis she died. I get so mad some days...if they had listened to her could something have been done??
Unfortunately I cannot advise the OP, but would just like to say sorry for your news and stay strong for your mam x
My mother was suffering from stomach pains and she ended up having an operation in the September. The hospital said that they couldn't tell if it was ovarian cancer or bowel cancer and they couldn't start her on chemo until they had carried out further tests. Well, of course they had opened her up , had a look , said there, there and sewed her up again. (they didn't tell us this).
By the end of October she was so weak that she went back into hospital and was treated with steroids and other drugs, which we thought at the time was chemotherapy but it wasn't.
By this time it was nearly Christmas and her doctor said to me that they now couldn't do anything more for her and suggested we take her home for paliative care.
So we did.
We cleared out the spare room and the NHS provided everything we needed to look after her at home. I couldn't praise them highly enough. They provided a special hospital bed and a commode, plus fortified drinks, (by this time she couldn't eat solid food). The district nurses visited twice a day to wash her and change her catheter etc.
One night, her catheter failed and the nurses came out in the middle of the night to change her bedding and provide all the necessary sanitary equipment. They were truly angels.
It was a very harrowing time and there were occasions when I felt I couldn't do any more but I thought that, if the roles were reversed, she would do it for me, so that gave me strength.
My OH was absolutely brilliant and supportive. More than supportive, as he often had to manhandle her to move her on and off the commode (she wasn't a small woman). He handled it all as if she were his own mother.
At Christmas, the family could wander in her room at anytime so that she wasn't left out of the festivities (we live in a bungalow).
Towards the end of January, she became very ill and stopped taking nourishment. There were various problems that we had to overcome: obviously I couldn't go to work without arranging for respite care - this is where the Macmillan nurses helped. Most nights our sleep was disturbed by things such as Mum deciding to get off her bed (she couldn't physically do it) but we'd go in to find one leg hanging over the edge of the bed! She would be constantly uncomfortable - too hot or too cold. She couldn't stand the blankets on her legs but wanted the comfort of them.
The weirdest thing happened: towards her last days she said to me that she could see angels in the corner of the bedroom.
One night, she was very agitated all night long. We took turns to sit with her and when the nurse came the next morning, she said that was terminal agitation. She passed away the following afternoon.
I have some more to tell you but this post is now far too long!
Perhaps later. I hope this has prepared you for the inevitable. Good luck and my very best wishes.
This will be a harrowing time for you, but you will also glimpse some incredible things re. human nature, the kindness of people, etc.
One thing I forgot to say above... There are still things I wish I'd asked dad about now, or got him to write down while he still could. Use this time wisely, and whatever you do to help your mum will help you grieve later, when you look back on it.
xxxx
I have decided to let my Dad make his p-lans, it is his way of coping and it would be wrong of me to try and chnage that. I know its the practical side of me, me and my mam have never been the huggy kissy type, whereas her and my sister are, so i am trying to deal with it by being Mrs Practical, but practical doesn't come into it really when emotions are so high i suppose.
The district nurse comes once a day to inject my mam with blood thinner and has said she can teach me to do it. This to me is a way i can cope with helping, rather than my sister who can sit and chat and cuddle my mam for hours. As bad as it may sound i am concentrating on my Dad, hes one of those who doesnt show emotion and is ill himslef, so i am talking with him and keeping him positive, hence not poo-poohing his holiday plans for her and him.
I was the one who complained at the hospital as my mam was told she was dying and there was nothing they could do on the standard ward round, they told her in 5 minutes with no friends or with no family present:mad:
She then had to sit alone in a room by herself crying with nobody to comfort her until visiting hours when she told me and my Dad. My dad was angry but said nothng yet i straight away went and complained. To be fair my mother got a full apology and so did we. Sounds like nothing but that made me feel useful, so i shall continue to be practical for now.
Thank you again to everybody for your replies. xxxxxx
My advice would be to enjoy all the times you can with your Mum, don't get hung up on how she looks or how tired she is, she's still your Mum and nothing can take that away. My Dad was my Dad right up until the time he died.
Although obviously you'll feel for you Dad, don't forget it's your Mum too and you'll be suffering as well. I think in my experience sometimes people forget that.
Once again, my thoughts and love to you.
Its not bad sweetie, its good. In situations like this partners tend to be "forgotten" and its great that you are providing him with support too.
Prognosis - 6 to 12 months by the description you have provided. Sorry it is not better news.
My thoughts are with you, and all sufferers of this dreadful disease. I urge everyone reading to contribute something to Cancer Research. One day, it will be considered a chronic illness, not a life threatening one. That day can't come soon enough.
*Takes a deep breath*
Your Mum is terminally ill. I would concentrate on spending as much time with her as you can while she is still here. Your Dad will have to get his head around it when he is ready. Mentally he isn't ready to do that yet.
My step dad currently has cancer and he has been given about threee months and that is what I am dong. Just seeing him when I can and try and spend as much time as I can while he is still coherent enough.
He was told at the time that the cancer had spread locally, and was untreatable, that we would probably be ok for 2-3 months, then they couldn't really say after that. He was only offered surgery to remove the blockage in his bowel that was causing the jaundice - not chemo, or surgery to remove or reduce the tumour.
He wanted to go on one last special holiday - and he did. He booked it for Easter, and he made it, although had to spend the majority in a wheelchair.
I think you learn to accept the fact that your loved one is going to die, one of the hardest parts is not knowing when your last goodbye will really be the last, so it is so important to make every single moment count. Make sure that things are said that need to be said, that bygones are bygones, and that their affairs are in order.
The hardest part of all for me was watching the man I loved and looked up to fall apart in front of my eyes. My father was a big strong man, and it was truly horrifying for me to see him the way he was at the end. Nothing could have prepared me for how thin and helpless he got, and that you could see him suffering, but be unable to do anything to help or make it better. He never complained, or lost his sense of humour, even right up to the very end, all the nurses in the hospital liked him because of this, and I was really grateful that I was there with him, with my wife and my mum at the end.
It may sound horrible - but pray that your Mum goes quickly, without much pain or suffering. The hospital asked us if we wanted to try giving Dad a blood transfusion at the end, to give him an extra couple of days, and we said no, after so many months of suffering, it was undignified and inhuman to make him suffer any more.
As other posters have said, things happen fairly quickly at the end, the three close family members I have gone through this with all lost the abililty to walk about 24 hours before the end, then the body just slowly shuts down. My Dad was sitting up awake and talking to me at 5pm, and was in a coma by 11pm. He passed away around 7am the following morning, with us by his side.
Afterwards, we were of course devistated, but at the same time relieved, because all of his suffering was finally over. As the other posters have said, everyone deals with things in their own way, the way that's right for them.
Chin up, and don't forget to tell your mum how much you love her. I wish you all the best, and my prayers are with you.