Ending a friends with benefits situation

[Deleted User] · 21/09/14 - 23:49

I've been seeing a guy from an online dating website for around 8 weeks our sexual chemistry is amazing I love our time together he says so to. I slept with him on second meeting and basically we are just having a good time.

My issue is although I'm not a kid (27 in fact) I've never been in this situation before I've only slept with one other guy and I made him wait 4 months

. I'm starting to,like this guy a lot and the sex is just great but he's not gonna want me for anymore than that is he.

Should I end end it to save myself heartache or just keep enjoying him?

cris182 · 22/09/14 - 00:04

You could try honesty, You never know he might want the same, If he doesn't then at least you know

Toby LaRhone · 22/09/14 - 00:33

And he's on benefits?

Frankie_Little · 22/09/14 - 10:03

I'd keep on having fun - but have a chat with him and see if he maybe wants more that just no-strings sex. You're already aware that you could end up hurt, if he's only with you for sex and nothing else, but maybe there's more feelings involved on his side as well.

RebelScum · 22/09/14 - 10:37

Tell him you want babies, lots of babies.

[Deleted User] · 22/09/14 - 10:41

If I were you, I'd talk to the guy, find out exactly where he is - he may want a relationship with you, or he may not. But at least you'd know...then you can decide whether to end it or not. There's nothing wrong with friends with benefits as long as you both know for sure where you stand with the other.

Tweacle Tart II · 22/09/14 - 10:42

cris182 wrote: »

You could try honesty, You never know he might want the same, If he doesn't then at least you know

And then be prepared to walk away if you don't get the answer you want right there and then. Cut it dead before you get hurt.

I have a friend who is eighteen months and two holidays down the line with one of these where she's still not getting the answer she wants (despite asking regularly) but is so hooked on him that she just cannot walk away. Lots of sex, spending almost every weekend together, neither of them seeing anyone else but as soon as she asks him to put a label on it, he freaks out and says they're just friends.

davelovesleeds · 22/09/14 - 11:53

If you're both happy with it being a Friends with Benefits relationship that's fine as it means sex without commitments. I've had such friends in the past and it's great. But if you are developing feelings for him you owe it both to him, but more importantly yourself, to be open and honest with him and each other.

80sfan · 22/09/14 - 21:29

Tweacle Tart II wrote: »

And then be prepared to walk away if you don't get the answer you want right there and then. Cut it dead before you get hurt.

I have a friend who is eighteen months and two holidays down the line with one of these where she's still not getting the answer she wants (despite asking regularly) but is so hooked on him that she just cannot walk away. Lots of sex, spending almost every weekend together, neither of them seeing anyone else but as soon as she asks him to put a label on it, he freaks out and says they're just friends.

I agree totally with that. I've been there. It took me a long, long time to get over him and it probably wasn't worth all the heartache, hurt and every other emotion when we walked away

Find someone who loves you the way you love them

[Deleted User] · 22/09/14 - 22:08

Thanks so much for all your advice.

tweacle tart I agree 100%. The problem with good sex is it's addictive and it's hard to let go of it, but at the end of the day It's just not enough for me I want a relationship. I can't expect this from him as ii slept with him too soon and now we have a relationship based on sex, but I will call him and tell him where I'm at and see what he says.

Thanks again everyone!

oscardelahoya · 22/09/14 - 22:46

Blahgirl wrote: »

I want a relationship. I can't expect this from him as ii slept with him too soon and now we have a relationship based on sex

That's crazy talk, there aren't rules you have to follow! I was in a similar situation and almost 20 years later still going. Good luck

Tweacle Tart II · 22/09/14 - 23:10

80sfan wrote: »

I agree totally with that. I've been there. It took me a long, long time to get over him and it probably wasn't worth all the heartache, hurt and every other emotion when we walked away

Find someone who loves you the way you love them

Yep, I've been there twice myself. Luckily, they were both so vile to me when they basically told me I wasn't good enough to have a relationship with (one was specific about my weight - I was a size 12/14 at the time) that I got over it pretty quickly which is very unlike me as I tend to hang on in there until the bitter end but I just cut it dead.

Still bloody hurt though but I feel very comforted - thanks Facebook👌- by the fact that one is STILL single and the other one, who had the problem with my weight and was no slim Jim himself may I add, has ended up engaged to someone who looks like Michelle McManus (both facial and weight wise) 🙈😂 whilst I'm in a loving five year relationship with someone way better looking, who earns much more and treats me a whole lot better than those pair of losers! And I've also just remembered that, when I moved to a new house, I ended up at a house party with a bunch of guys who it turned out knew the not so Slim Jim - he ended up moving in with one of them a few doors down from me! Anyway, a couple of them said to me "what were you doing with him....you're really pretty" and I told them all he had a really small knob. Phahahaha! 🙈😂 It wasn't true but boy, did I feel better! 😘

Blahgirl wrote: »

Thanks so much for all your advice. tweacle tart I agree 100%. The problem with good sex is it's addictive and it's hard to let go of it, but at the end of the day It's just not enough for me I want a relationship. I can't expect this from him as ii slept with him too soon and now we have a relationship based on sex, but I will call him and tell him where I'm at and see what he says.

Thanks again everyone!

Good luck my lovely 🍀 Let us know how it goes. I hope you get the outcome you want.

fefster · 23/09/14 - 07:15

Tweacle Tart II wrote: »

Yep, I've been there twice myself. Luckily, they were both so vile to me when they basically told me I wasn't good enough to have a relationship with (one was specific about my weight - I was a size 12/14 at the time) that I got over it pretty quickly which is very unlike me as I tend to hang on in there until the bitter end but I just cut it dead.

Still bloody hurt though but I feel very comforted - thanks Facebook👌- by the fact that one is STILL single and the other one, who had the problem with my weight and was no slim Jim himself may I add, has ended up engaged to someone who looks like Michelle McManus (both facial and weight wise) 🙈😂 whilst I'm in a loving five year relationship with someone way better looking, who earns much more and treats me a whole lot better than those pair of losers! And I've also just remembered that, when I moved to a new house, I ended up at a house party with a bunch of guys who it turned out knew the not so Slim Jim - he ended up moving in with one of them a few doors down from me! Anyway, a couple of them said to me "what were you doing with him....you're really pretty" and I told them all he had a really small knob. Phahahaha! 🙈😂 It wasn't true but boy, did I feel better! 😘

Good luck my lovely 🍀 Let us know how it goes. I hope you get the outcome you want.

Good lord, bitter much?

Jennifer_F · 23/09/14 - 07:23

If you are absolutely sure he doesn't want a relationship, be strong, just walk away.Cut all forms of communication so you won't be tempted back.

[Deleted User] · 23/09/14 - 07:28

Threaten to tell his wife.

Tweacle Tart II · 23/09/14 - 10:17

fefster wrote: »

Good lord, bitter much?

I didn't deny that it hurt a lot at the time - I think ANY woman who was belittled unjustly because of her weight would be. I just find it ironic that my weight bothered him so much back then and yet he's ended up with someone at least three times the size I was. And she really does look like Michelle McManus! And no, I didn't go around furiously looking them up on Facebook - I have mutual friends with both of them so they keep popping up in the "people you may know" section.

So yeah, I probably was a bit bent out of shape about it all back then but it was a long time ago and, like I said, I'm so much happier now, in a really good relationship with someone who genuinely adores me

and although I don't regret any of it, I know that I would never, ever let myself be treated like that again.

thefairydandy · 23/09/14 - 10:58

Blahgirl wrote: »

Thanks so much for all your advice. tweacle tart I agree 100%. The problem with good sex is it's addictive and it's hard to let go of it, but at the end of the day It's just not enough for me I want a relationship. I can't expect this from him as ii slept with him too soon and now we have a relationship based on sex, but I will call him and tell him where I'm at and see what he says.

Thanks again everyone!

Good luck, but BIB is utter rubbish, no offence! The only reason there's a poor correlation between having sex with someone soon and having a relationship with them is that most people go into the scenario without expecting or wanting a relationship.

I've been stuck with my one night stand for 7 years next month

[Deleted User] · 24/09/14 - 23:30

So I had a sort of chat with him he wasn't really expecting me to say I wanted more from our current arrangement he was like I don't want to lose you but I like things how they are.

I said I did to an extent but I'm looking for more. He said never say never he might want more in the future.

Load of non-committal bull wants to carry on sleeping with me till he finds someone he really wants! I can't say I'm really hurt I should have known better, but I am disappointedI I've deleted him but not quite ready to block him yet, although I doubt he'd msg me again as he probs thinks I'm in love with him now. :rolleyes::

Splot · 24/09/14 - 23:37

Blahgirl wrote: »

So I had a sort of chat with him he wasn't really expecting me to say I wanted more from our current arrangement he was like I don't want to lose you but I like things how they are.

I said I did to an extent but I'm looking for more. He said never say never he might want more in the future.

Load of non-committal bull wants to carry on sleeping with me till he finds someone he really wants! I can't say I'm really hurt I should have known better, but I am disappointedI I've deleted him but not quite ready to block him yet, although I doubt he'd msg me again as he probs thinks I'm in love with him now. :rolleyes::

Sounds like you did the right thing, but be prepared about what you will do if he comes back and says he has changed his mind and does want to try for a relationship. Men and women can get like that when they realise they can't have someone any more.

*Edited because I wrote wrong instead of right, which was clearly wrong.

Dannielle_Howel · 25/09/14 - 01:20

Now you've has that talk you know were you stand. Don't keep going back because ultimately it will break your heart.

Hypnodisc · 25/09/14 - 04:04

thefairydandy wrote: »

Good luck, but BIB is utter rubbish, no offence! The only reason there's a poor correlation between having sex with someone soon and having a relationship with them is that most people go into the scenario without expecting or wanting a relationship.

I've been stuck with my one night stand for 7 years next month

Awwh, there's something quite sweet about that

:)

Bex_123 · 25/09/14 - 10:59

Blahgirl wrote: »

I can't expect this from him as ii slept with him too soon and now we have a relationship based on sex

It always surprises me somewhat when people believe things like this. Just because you slept with someone quickly, it does not mean your relationship has to be based around sex.

Of course, he might well be in a different place to you and is only wanting some fun and not a relationship right now. But don't think that when you had sex makes any difference at all to how he feels in that respect. Plenty of people start off casual and then find themselves both wanting more. There really are no 'rules' to things like this.

Tweacle Tart II · 25/09/14 - 12:01

Blahgirl wrote: »

So I had a sort of chat with him he wasn't really expecting me to say I wanted more from our current arrangement he was like I don't want to lose you but I like things how they are.

I said I did to an extent but I'm looking for more. He said never say never he might want more in the future.

Load of non-committal bull wants to carry on sleeping with me till he finds someone he really wants! I can't say I'm really hurt I should have known better, but I am disappointedI I've deleted him but not quite ready to block him yet, although I doubt he'd msg me again as he probs thinks I'm in love with him now. :rolleyes::

Sorry to hear you didn't really get the answer you wanted but at least you know where you stand now. And well done on deleting him! 👏

Hopefully you'll meet someone else who wants you the way you want them and they'll rock your socks off! 😘

shmisk · 25/09/14 - 18:30

so I am kind of stuck in a friends with benefits situation - a bloke I have been friends with for a long time and I went to an all day gig in July - I had been 6 weeks out of a painful break up. Had an amazing day and after that pretty much had text conversations for hours every day. Eventually went to another gig and I got a bit pissed and kissed him (oops)- and he came back to mine and we had sex then went out the next day for lunch with a mutual friend. Since then we still text all the time and have sex more times. I asked him if it was now a 'thing' and he was like 'I like being friends with you and if its a thing then it means eventually we won't be friends anymore'. Then a week later tole me I had 'made it out of the friend zone' - think I might have to put a stop to it all really - well done OP for being able to do so

Flash525 · 25/09/14 - 20:52

I somewhat envy you (@Blahgirl); you've got someone who's interested in you. However, I can appreciate that you desire more, and he doesn't, so best to look elsewhere - and - if you are truly looking for more, it might pay to hold off on offering yourself up for sex so quick with the next guy, save falling into the same trap.

RandomSally · 25/09/14 - 21:12

shmisk wrote: »

so I am kind of stuck in a friends with benefits situation - a bloke I have been friends with for a long time and I went to an all day gig in July - I had been 6 weeks out of a painful break up. Had an amazing day and after that pretty much had text conversations for hours every day. Eventually went to another gig and I got a bit pissed and kissed him (oops)- and he came back to mine and we had sex then went out the next day for lunch with a mutual friend. Since then we still text all the time and have sex more times. I asked him if it was now a 'thing' and he was like 'I like being friends with you and if its a thing then it means eventually we won't be friends anymore'. Then a week later tole me I had 'made it out of the friend zone' - think I might have to put a stop to it all really - well done OP for being able to do so

But if you're out of the friend zone doesn't it mean it is now a 'thing'?

Hey there!

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