Aspergers, autism, really bring home what communication is about . If you get the privilege of talking to someone with such a condition, it's an education.
This is very true, and that's a good post. Now I feel bad because I was actually just making a joke.
I genuinely can't imagine what it would be like to have no empathy.
Imagine your best friend comes to you, visibly upset, and tells you their father has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and your natural inner response is as if you've just been told it might rain later. But you know you cannot display such indifference, so you fake your response. Their being sad doesn't make you sad, although you can still feel sorry for them in a "damn, that sucks" kind of way. Something like that.
Imagine your best friend comes to you, visibly upset, and tells you their father has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and your natural inner response is as if you've just been told it might rain later. But you know you cannot display such indifference, so you fake your response. Their being sad doesn't make you sad, although you can still feel sorry for them in a "damn, that sucks" kind of way. Something like that.
Edit: looks like I missed the joke
Now I feel even worse.
Thing is, though, I do kind of understand that, because that is me sometimes, except that it's not because I don't *feel* it, it's because I don't respond outwardly that way. So even though I DO actually feel awful for them, I end up LOOKING indifferent because I'm way better at feeling emotion than showing it. So pretty much the opposite, I guess. (That was actually serious, though I don't think I put it very well).
I fake empathy because I just don't get things. whatever happens to me, I stay calm. I am in fact so calm in the face of bad news I get told that I don't have to be so stoic. it's not that I don't feel upset or sad but just because I think wasting emotions in that is pointless. although I can display empathy I don't so often feel it.
I was told I have advance ovarian cancer with 6 months to live ( although I was lucky and once they operated they discovered a rare type of borderline and stage one cancer instead of stage 4). When I was told my Life was likely limited I did not cry or feel awful it was kind of.. Oh well.
I struggle with displaying empathy as I just don't get too emotional with those sort of things and don't Exocet or indeed want empathy from others.
I have too much empathy, I can't even watch the news, it's too stressful. The elderly gravitate towards me, I think they can sense my empathy from afar so they come and tell me about their piles or whatever.
I'm a little bit envious of hard faced people sometimes, their lives must be a bit easier to glide through if they aren't constantly worrying about everyone else and trying to solve problems of random strangers.
I'm very much like my mother, neither of us worry about ourselves and we're very stoic when it comes to our own problems but we lie awake at night worrying about everyone elses problems.
Functioning psychopaths are superb at imitating normal human emotions.
Their masks are almost perfect.
Indeed. Half her children and grandchildren have stopped contact because of her behaviour, including me. She's like a troll, makes the most awful comments and accusations and then pleads innocence, accusing you of overreacting. She lies like mad and when you prove her to be lying, immediately changes the subject, refusing to discuss it, no matter how many times you bring it up. Yet some people think she's so charming and friendly. If only they knew!
Some people are all for themselves and are only interested in how things affect them. But most people are caring about others in times of tragedy and crisis.
I have had a lot of stuff happen over the years to the point where I have learned to completely mask my emotions. I do feel empathy for people but probably don't show it. I'm also quite shy and have a tendency to go over and over something in my head before I say anything so more often than not the moment to show any empathy towards someone has passed before I open my mouth. I'm not a callous person and I do care but I just find it incredibly difficult to show it. When my dad died though, my mum told me I was the person she was glad was there because I could deal with everything in a calm manner and took the responsibility away from her. At the time, I felt guilty because everyone else was hugging her and saying what I felt were "the right things" while I was just dealing with things in a practical way. Don't assume because people aren't showing empathy in the "normal" way they aren't feeling anything.
I have had a lot of stuff happen over the years to the point where I have learned to completely mask my emotions. I do feel empathy for people but probably don't show it. I'm also quite shy and have a tendency to go over and over something in my head before I say anything so more often than not the moment to show any empathy towards someone has passed before I open my mouth. I'm not a callous person and I do care but I just find it incredibly difficult to show it. When my dad died though, my mum told me I was the person she was glad was there because I could deal with everything in a calm manner and took the responsibility away from her. At the time, I felt guilty because everyone else was hugging her and saying what I felt were "the right things" while I was just dealing with things in a practical way. Don't assume because people aren't showing empathy in the "normal" way they aren't feeling anything.
Actually, I'm exactly the same as you in that regard. If someone's in a crisis, I will offer practical help and advice. I'm not a hugs and kisses type of person. I'd be down town getting their shopping, rather than sitting with them saying "there there" - I'll leave that to someone else.
I have been described as a "tower of strength" in one difficult situation which was good.
Apart from unavoidable illnesses,95% of people that need the sympathy of others have brought the situation on themselves.
Whilst I wouldn't say it's anything like that high a %, I think we've probably all had experience of someone who creates their own drama and cried wolf so many times that our sympathy for them runs it's course.
But that's about individuals and not people in general who mostly do need empathy and a shoulder to cry on
Looking at some of the main foundations of our society - capitalism, strong emphasis on personal freedoms, the belief in free will - for arguably all the benefits these philosophies bring they're bound also to encourage an individualistic and judgemental outlook.
Looking at some of the main foundations of our society - capitalism, strong emphasis on personal freedoms, the belief in free will - for arguably all the benefits these philosophies bring they're bound also to encourage an individualistic and judgemental outlook.
I think the eighties saw the escalation of this attitude. It was very much a get on your bike and cycle ten thousands miles to work if you really want a job.
Those that did felt like anyone should be able to do that. It made people forget that not everyone has the emotional strength never mind physical ability to do that.
In America there is very much the notion that anyone can do anything if they try hard enough and the regular stories of poor man made good strengthens that ideology.
Walk a mile in my shoes seems to have been forgotten and the way we are going empathy will be seen to be a trait only of the 'looney left' .
Of course just because a person has empathy for another doesn't mean anything constructive will come out of it. We can weep and wail for another all we want, but unless we do something about it , it can be just as ineffective for the person we have empathy with as if we had none. Empathy can still be all about ourselves.
I think it has something to do with lack of community. People do not belong to social groups as much as they used to and I large cities are more isolated. In smaller communities people know their neighbours and have more sympathy with their problems.
I have lots of empathy for my side of the Family, however after 16 years of putting up with a nasty, vicious, alcoholic mother-in-law and her precious sons, I would happily throw a party in celebration the day she falls down the steps again when pissed and kills herself.
Comments
This is very true, and that's a good post. Now I feel bad because I was actually just making a joke.
Imagine your best friend comes to you, visibly upset, and tells you their father has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and your natural inner response is as if you've just been told it might rain later. But you know you cannot display such indifference, so you fake your response. Their being sad doesn't make you sad, although you can still feel sorry for them in a "damn, that sucks" kind of way. Something like that.
Edit: looks like I missed the joke
Now I feel even worse.
Thing is, though, I do kind of understand that, because that is me sometimes, except that it's not because I don't *feel* it, it's because I don't respond outwardly that way. So even though I DO actually feel awful for them, I end up LOOKING indifferent because I'm way better at feeling emotion than showing it. So pretty much the opposite, I guess. (That was actually serious, though I don't think I put it very well).
I was told I have advance ovarian cancer with 6 months to live ( although I was lucky and once they operated they discovered a rare type of borderline and stage one cancer instead of stage 4). When I was told my Life was likely limited I did not cry or feel awful it was kind of.. Oh well.
I struggle with displaying empathy as I just don't get too emotional with those sort of things and don't Exocet or indeed want empathy from others.
Why would they?
Well as other posters said if she's been through hard times with peoples actions towards her maybe that's why her empathy is so lacking.
I'm a little bit envious of hard faced people sometimes, their lives must be a bit easier to glide through if they aren't constantly worrying about everyone else and trying to solve problems of random strangers.
I'm very much like my mother, neither of us worry about ourselves and we're very stoic when it comes to our own problems but we lie awake at night worrying about everyone elses problems.
Somewhat ironically, I pity you.
Indeed. Half her children and grandchildren have stopped contact because of her behaviour, including me. She's like a troll, makes the most awful comments and accusations and then pleads innocence, accusing you of overreacting. She lies like mad and when you prove her to be lying, immediately changes the subject, refusing to discuss it, no matter how many times you bring it up. Yet some people think she's so charming and friendly. If only they knew!
Whilst as a statement of fact, that may have some direct or indirect validity, it wouldn't prevent me from feeling empathy with the people concerned.
Easy to take a wrong turn in life - we all do it from time to time.
What kind of people?
Actually, I'm exactly the same as you in that regard. If someone's in a crisis, I will offer practical help and advice. I'm not a hugs and kisses type of person. I'd be down town getting their shopping, rather than sitting with them saying "there there" - I'll leave that to someone else.
I have been described as a "tower of strength" in one difficult situation which was good.
Whilst I wouldn't say it's anything like that high a %, I think we've probably all had experience of someone who creates their own drama and cried wolf so many times that our sympathy for them runs it's course.
But that's about individuals and not people in general who mostly do need empathy and a shoulder to cry on
I think the eighties saw the escalation of this attitude. It was very much a get on your bike and cycle ten thousands miles to work if you really want a job.
Those that did felt like anyone should be able to do that. It made people forget that not everyone has the emotional strength never mind physical ability to do that.
In America there is very much the notion that anyone can do anything if they try hard enough and the regular stories of poor man made good strengthens that ideology.
Walk a mile in my shoes seems to have been forgotten and the way we are going empathy will be seen to be a trait only of the 'looney left' .
Of course just because a person has empathy for another doesn't mean anything constructive will come out of it. We can weep and wail for another all we want, but unless we do something about it , it can be just as ineffective for the person we have empathy with as if we had none. Empathy can still be all about ourselves.
Bitter people can be very cold !
That probably means you never gave anything in the first place.
Empathy is an innate quality. It's how we act on it that's up to us.