Really, L_Silverwolf? For what might you bid? (Avoid the knickers).
Yup. Definitely will avoid the knickers. *lol* Maybe she'll have donated a nice bag or something. Alas I'm not Lizzard shaped, so the clothes won't suit (or fit, for that matter!)
I think we all find amusement in Liz's writing, just not in the way she would wish! If you do go we want a full report, if she does turn up just don't try to talk to her or you could find yourself mentioned in the Diary despatches, especially if your clothes aren't designer (preferably VB) or buttery soft enough.
I have to go - it's not far from me. Maybe I can ask her a question that she'll mishear, with crazy consequences. :-)
Well, L_Silverwolf, just make sure you're not wearing cheap shoes. Or a cheap hat. Or anything from Next. Tell her your house is overrun with darling 'ickle purry pussycats - better still, call them your 'fur babies'. Ask her how her horses' 'paws' are and tell her you too suffer the misery of not always being able to get hold of Illy coffee at your local Co-Op ... no, better make that at your local organic deli. as Lizard would no more be seen in a Co-Op than she would in a toddlers' group finger painting class. Tell her you've got a lovely recipe for a vegan five bird roast, using organic free range robins, blue-tits, ducks, battery hens and swans, all with their own pension plans. Gush to her that you absolutely love 'Sex and the City', seeing it as the height of culture and - yes - there's definitely something about Lizard that SO reminds you of Carrie Bradshaw.
Admire whatever she's wearing and ask her if it comes from British Home Stores and enquire if she's invited her friend India Knight to the charity auction.
She threw out her Manolos because they were 'scuffed at the soles'!!!!!
This is not the world I live in. Oh, and another reference to that great opus SATC.
Why was she babbling about Easter in this week's dreary? That was weeks ago! So did the events of this Sunday's dreary actually happen way back then? Her mindless scribbles are more garbled and confusing than ever, and give me a massive headache.
Not one but TWO articles name checking SATC again! Liz thinks SATC was a hard-hitting American documentary about 'empowered' women who despite their highpowered jobs and designer lifestyle really only wanted to bag a bloke, ANY bloke, no matter how many blokes they had to sleep with, because they are indepedent career women goddamit.
In light of Liz's attack of the vapours over an episode of GoT (which of course she has never watched before as it's, well, not SATC), the following statement is written by the former husband of Liz Jones in 2006: "A man who is too in awe of his woman isn't going to tear her blouse open and ravish her on the couch; he isn't going to pull her hair and whisper profanities in her ear. Whenever my marriage is at a crisis point, and my wife's ego and mine are jostling for a position of supremacy, we inevitably have strenuous, battling sex. " http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-398998/How-feminism-destroyed-real-men.html
Shame they spilt up, they really were a perfect match.
I've never understood the obsession other women have with things like Sex and the City and Bridget Jones. Both bore me to tears! I have, however, seen enough of SATC to know that La Lizard convincing herself she IS Carrie Bradshaw is as deluded and ridiculous as everything else she comes out with. The woman simply must be on one huge wind-up.
Every week I think the Dreary must have reached its nadir ... but the next week I'm again proved wrong.
As for those Manolos - couldn't the stupid woman have let a charity shop have them? And 'scuffed soles'? Does this mean the Lizard throws her shoes away after just one outing in them?
Isn't today the day she does that 'charity' stuff, selling her old schmutter, raffling something, in aid of the Cherry Lodge Cancer Care charity? Also, flogging copies of her latest dirge ... sorry, book? Having difficulty accessing the link to the event.
Isn't today the day she does that 'charity' stuff, selling her old schmutter, raffling something, in aid of the Cherry Lodge Cancer Care charity? Also, flogging copies of her latest dirge ... sorry, book? Having difficulty accessing the link to the event.
Yes. It's today and I'm there now! I have learnt that Liz & Baker Boy are off on holiday next week. Apparently it's "make or break time". ;-)
Hmmm... that was a tad disappointing. Annoyingly, I was a bit late, as the heavens decided to empty just as I'd decided to leave the house. So I missed Liz giving a bit of a talk about her items that she'd brought. I think she missed me, as when I finally arrived I swear she shot a look of daggers right at me. She's somewhat scary - so I didn't dare go up and talk to her! However I was in good time for the auction. Unfortunately, the only items being auctioned were a handbag (full of various skincare products), and a 150 quid voucher for some jeans. The bag didn't reach its reserve - so they decided to split out the bag & the products & so auctioned them separately - that way some good money was made for charity. They were also selling copies of her book for a fiver.
Our Lizard is much prettier in real life. Taller, more orange and she smiles more than I expected, too. I wish I had some scandal to share - but sadly not. The evening was far more dull than I'd hoped for. I wanted the car-crash Liz of the diary with her multitude of animals, imaginary rock star boyfriend & drama! Meh.
She's somewhat scary - so I didn't dare go up and talk to her! Our Lizard is much prettier in real life. Taller, more orange and she smiles more than I expected, too. I wish I had some scandal to share - but sadly not.
Sorry for any bad editing of your post, but sadly I've not been on a 'DM Editors Course'. ;-)
It's interesting isn't it ? Despite all of her literary failings... this woman still has a certain charisma and formidable 'front' capable of screwing £500k p.a. out of the DM, and carrying off the whole debacle that represents her life thus far, before a live-audience.
It's almost magical... as though she's been sprinkled with pixie-dust.
What incredible vistas must open up to a deaf, clueless narcissist ?
Our Lizard is much prettier in real life. Taller, more orange and she smiles more than I expected, too. I wish I had some scandal to share - but sadly not. The evening was far more dull than I'd hoped for. I wanted the car-crash Liz of the diary with her multitude of animals, imaginary rock star boyfriend & drama! Meh.
I have long thought Liz is simply trolling us all via orders from the Mail to generate click bait and I feel this confirms my suspicions. I never thought anyone could really be like her. Her trolling would have been so much more believable if she had taken it down a couple of notches and learned what subtle meant.
I suspect Liz has a genuinely unhappy inner life that doesn't match the outsides, and she shares that bit; either that or everything, absolutely everything, she writes is bollocks. And becoming curiously repetitive.
Liz Jones' REAL diary:
Work to-do list. Write diary.
Week 1: In which I meet Daaaavid the love of my life. Angst, 30 year
old memories, ex husband jibe, upbringing jibe, knee plucking etc.
Week 2: David is so great. Why am I unhappy? Ex husband jibe, former
friend who stole David from me 30 years ago jibe, David's ex jibe,
product placement.
Week 3: In which Daaaavid assures me I am awesome. Ex-wife/girlfriend
jibe. Angst, 30 year old memories.
Week 4: David is an arse. Ex-husband jibes, dirtiness, my eating
disorder, angst, buttery soft Manolos, product placement.
Week 5: I do things with David's friends. Ex-husband jibes, why am I
not normal, angst, product placement, RS jibes, buttery soft eating
disorder.
Week 6: David is perfect but may be an arse! Angst, ex-husband
infidelity jibes, eating disorder, oh yes animals, blah blah money.
Week 7: In which David assures me I am awesome. Angst, why am I not
normal, buttery soft money, animals, ex-husband jibes, David's exes
jibes.
Week 8: In which David annoys me again. Why am I not normal, angst,
money, buttery soft family issues, animals, product placement.
Week 9: David and his friends are perfect. Why am I not buttery?
Week 10: David is an arse. Butter.
Week 11: David is perfect. My buttery soft angst. Ex jibes of every flavour.
Repeat from week 2 with additions to create sense of timeliness, till a) David and I end our liaison b) I get sacked.
So she finally gets her talons into the guy she's chuntered on about for years, and it's all over in a couple of months?? He probably didn't get as much business out of it as he hoped, thanks to her comments about his dirty nails etc. I do hope he sues her. That would be priceless! Though didn't she say at one point that she already had a designer working on her wedding dress? Did I dream that? Hope not, would hate to think the Lizard is impinging on my dream life!
I'm not surprised there wasn't much to buy at the 'auction'. She's too mean, despite the constant recitation of expensive things she's bought for other people, to just hand over expensive goodies to a bunch of strangers. Still waiting for her charity head shave too. Perhaps someone should let all the people she still owes money to back on Dartmoor that she's apparently back in funds now, should they wish to dun her for their money!
And well done Suzy_Cat - are you Lizard in disguise?? (Joke, Joke!)
L_Silverwolf, can you tell us any more about the 'designer' stuff of hers that she auctioned? Anything in soft buttery leather (with or without 'smudges')? And what about the gear donated by Reiss etc. etc? Did you see any of it? How many turned up? Were there queues? Bouncers? Confidentiality Agreements you had to sign? Embargo on photographs? Did you buy her book ... (you can have mine for free!)
L_Silverwolf, can you tell us any more about the 'designer' stuff of hers that she auctioned? Anything in soft buttery leather (with or without 'smudges')? And what about the gear donated by Reiss etc. etc? Did you see any of it? How many turned up? Were there queues? Bouncers? Confidentiality Agreements you had to sign? Embargo on photographs? Did you buy her book ... (you can have mine for free!)
Yes please. Were there only two items on sale? is that an auction?
How orange does she look? Medium orange or really, really orange?
Amikolaichek - you bought the book? Are you mad?
Oh Wynne_Evans, I could tell a lie and say that some clueless relative desperate for Christmas/Birthday present ideas thought: 'I know - Amikolaichek used to be a journalist so she'll really enjoy this book' but I'd be lying. Awful truth is I bought it for myself [blushes].
Anyway, moving hastily on, the charity shop has a Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/CherryLodgeCancerCare
and they did raise some money so good for them. And the Lizard [grudging ]
Meanwhile ... this week's Dreary really was dire - not so much scraping the bottom of the barrel but turning the barrel upside down in the desperate hope a bit more grunge might drip out ... still, if the Wail on Sunday pays for the drippings, who can blame her for cashing in?
The Baker Boy is in a sort of pact with the devil, a very risky alliance indeed. On the one hand, there's apparently no such thing as bad publicity ... on the other hand, there's very bad publicity indeed, especially in the food trade, and on another hand (how many hands can someone have?) there's the heartwarming idea of True Luuuurve triumphant after all those years of yearning for each other ... OK, Lizard yearning for The Baker, and now showering him with cashmere schmutter and gold Dunhill lighters ...
I suppose 'Mini-breaks' will be in future Drearies on the (predictable) subject of '... AND another thing, we went on a Mini-Break THAT I PAID FOR to North Korea/Zimbabwe/Afghanistan and all Daaaavid did was txt. the ex-mother of his Big Children WHOM HE HAS NEVER NEVER EVER LOVED as he only loves ME ME ME (and someone who's dead) and we didn't have sex because he said I was too slippery from my: oily bath, creamy buttery exfoliating softening slippers/gloves/knee pads/elbow pads/neck brace ... and the organic, free-range, cruelty free, line-caught Miracle Whale Oil Overnight Hair Mask ... and anyway, my knees/toes/ears/nostrils weren't plucked because when I went for an emergency plucking, the girl at the Herod's Plucking Spa upset me as she kept me waiting three whole seconds and DIDN'T KNOW WHO I WAS. and anyway, on our mini-break (did I tell you I PAID FOR the mini break) I felt embarrassed that I wasn't perfect, so I didn't think Daaaavid would fancy me ... (did I tell you that I fancied him fifty years ago and although I bought a car, a lovely flat, pistachio colour Aga, pair of pistachio colour Manolos, soft buttery suede leather organically sourced line caught free range beige sofas, had plastic surgery to make me look like a Vague model ...he STILL went off with my best friend...).
But anyway, back to the Mini Break and I'm deaf and I haven't got my Hearing Dog Michael with me as there was a bit of a kerfuffle at Luton airport when they said Michael didn't have a Pet Passport or some rubbish and I said 'DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?' and they didn't, and I told them to phone Paul Dacre at the Daily Wail but they wouldn't, so that was that. Anyway, on our Mini Break (did I tell you I PAID FOR our Mini-Break?) when Daaaavid said 'Do you fancy a bit of a frolic' I thought he said 'Have you txtd. Nic about the horse with a bit of colic?'
I actually dislike DScrace even more than I dislike La Lizard. The way he tells her things about his personal life knowing it will be splashed all over the Daily Mail and not seeming to care how much pain it might cause his previous family is disgusting, and if he really is anything like La Lizard portrays he just seems like, overall, a pathetic moron of a human being.
I actually dislike DScrace even more than I dislike La Lizard. The way he tells her things about his personal life knowing it will be splashed all over the Daily Mail and not seeming to care how much pain it might cause his previous family is disgusting, and if he really is anything like La Lizard portrays he just seems like, overall, a pathetic moron of a human being.
I'd bet my rent money that that is part of their deal. One can only hope he warned his kids in advance. I suspect not.
Comments
I have to go - it's not far from me. Maybe I can ask her a question that she'll mishear, with crazy consequences. :-)
Admire whatever she's wearing and ask her if it comes from British Home Stores and enquire if she's invited her friend India Knight to the charity auction.
We expect you to report back, of course.
This is not the world I live in. Oh, and another reference to that great opus SATC.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/columnists/article-2625210/LIZ-JONES-Worry-real-crime-not-fantasy-Game-Of-Thrones-rape.html
In light of Liz's attack of the vapours over an episode of GoT (which of course she has never watched before as it's, well, not SATC), the following statement is written by the former husband of Liz Jones in 2006: "A man who is too in awe of his woman isn't going to tear her blouse open and ravish her on the couch; he isn't going to pull her hair and whisper profanities in her ear. Whenever my marriage is at a crisis point, and my wife's ego and mine are jostling for a position of supremacy, we inevitably have strenuous, battling sex. " http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-398998/How-feminism-destroyed-real-men.html
Shame they spilt up, they really were a perfect match.
As for those Manolos - couldn't the stupid woman have let a charity shop have them? And 'scuffed soles'? Does this mean the Lizard throws her shoes away after just one outing in them?
Yes. It's today and I'm there now! I have learnt that Liz & Baker Boy are off on holiday next week. Apparently it's "make or break time". ;-)
Our Lizard is much prettier in real life. Taller, more orange and she smiles more than I expected, too. I wish I had some scandal to share - but sadly not. The evening was far more dull than I'd hoped for. I wanted the car-crash Liz of the diary with her multitude of animals, imaginary rock star boyfriend & drama! Meh.
Sorry for any bad editing of your post, but sadly I've not been on a 'DM Editors Course'. ;-)
It's interesting isn't it ? Despite all of her literary failings... this woman still has a certain charisma and formidable 'front' capable of screwing £500k p.a. out of the DM, and carrying off the whole debacle that represents her life thus far, before a live-audience.
It's almost magical... as though she's been sprinkled with pixie-dust.
What incredible vistas must open up to a deaf, clueless narcissist ?
My money's on "break".
I have long thought Liz is simply trolling us all via orders from the Mail to generate click bait and I feel this confirms my suspicions. I never thought anyone could really be like her. Her trolling would have been so much more believable if she had taken it down a couple of notches and learned what subtle meant.
Liz Jones' REAL diary:
Work to-do list. Write diary.
Week 1: In which I meet Daaaavid the love of my life. Angst, 30 year
old memories, ex husband jibe, upbringing jibe, knee plucking etc.
Week 2: David is so great. Why am I unhappy? Ex husband jibe, former
friend who stole David from me 30 years ago jibe, David's ex jibe,
product placement.
Week 3: In which Daaaavid assures me I am awesome. Ex-wife/girlfriend
jibe. Angst, 30 year old memories.
Week 4: David is an arse. Ex-husband jibes, dirtiness, my eating
disorder, angst, buttery soft Manolos, product placement.
Week 5: I do things with David's friends. Ex-husband jibes, why am I
not normal, angst, product placement, RS jibes, buttery soft eating
disorder.
Week 6: David is perfect but may be an arse! Angst, ex-husband
infidelity jibes, eating disorder, oh yes animals, blah blah money.
Week 7: In which David assures me I am awesome. Angst, why am I not
normal, buttery soft money, animals, ex-husband jibes, David's exes
jibes.
Week 8: In which David annoys me again. Why am I not normal, angst,
money, buttery soft family issues, animals, product placement.
Week 9: David and his friends are perfect. Why am I not buttery?
Week 10: David is an arse. Butter.
Week 11: David is perfect. My buttery soft angst. Ex jibes of every flavour.
Repeat from week 2 with additions to create sense of timeliness, till a) David and I end our liaison b) I get sacked.
I'm not surprised there wasn't much to buy at the 'auction'. She's too mean, despite the constant recitation of expensive things she's bought for other people, to just hand over expensive goodies to a bunch of strangers. Still waiting for her charity head shave too. Perhaps someone should let all the people she still owes money to back on Dartmoor that she's apparently back in funds now, should they wish to dun her for their money!
And well done Suzy_Cat - are you Lizard in disguise?? (Joke, Joke!)
Yes please. Were there only two items on sale? is that an auction?
How orange does she look? Medium orange or really, really orange?
Amikolaichek - you bought the book? Are you mad?
Anyway, moving hastily on, the charity shop has a Facebook page:
https://www.facebook.com/CherryLodgeCancerCare
and they did raise some money so good for them. And the Lizard [grudging
Meanwhile ... this week's Dreary really was dire - not so much scraping the bottom of the barrel but turning the barrel upside down in the desperate hope a bit more grunge might drip out ... still, if the Wail on Sunday pays for the drippings, who can blame her for cashing in?
The Baker Boy is in a sort of pact with the devil, a very risky alliance indeed. On the one hand, there's apparently no such thing as bad publicity ... on the other hand, there's very bad publicity indeed, especially in the food trade, and on another hand (how many hands can someone have?) there's the heartwarming idea of True Luuuurve triumphant after all those years of yearning for each other ... OK, Lizard yearning for The Baker, and now showering him with cashmere schmutter and gold Dunhill lighters ...
I suppose 'Mini-breaks' will be in future Drearies on the (predictable) subject of '... AND another thing, we went on a Mini-Break THAT I PAID FOR to North Korea/Zimbabwe/Afghanistan and all Daaaavid did was txt. the ex-mother of his Big Children WHOM HE HAS NEVER NEVER EVER LOVED as he only loves ME ME ME (and someone who's dead) and we didn't have sex because he said I was too slippery from my: oily bath, creamy buttery exfoliating softening slippers/gloves/knee pads/elbow pads/neck brace ... and the organic, free-range, cruelty free, line-caught Miracle Whale Oil Overnight Hair Mask ... and anyway, my knees/toes/ears/nostrils weren't plucked because when I went for an emergency plucking, the girl at the Herod's Plucking Spa upset me as she kept me waiting three whole seconds and DIDN'T KNOW WHO I WAS. and anyway, on our mini-break (did I tell you I PAID FOR the mini break) I felt embarrassed that I wasn't perfect, so I didn't think Daaaavid would fancy me ... (did I tell you that I fancied him fifty years ago and although I bought a car, a lovely flat, pistachio colour Aga, pair of pistachio colour Manolos, soft buttery suede leather organically sourced line caught free range beige sofas, had plastic surgery to make me look like a Vague model ...he STILL went off with my best friend...).
But anyway, back to the Mini Break and I'm deaf and I haven't got my Hearing Dog Michael with me as there was a bit of a kerfuffle at Luton airport when they said Michael didn't have a Pet Passport or some rubbish and I said 'DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?' and they didn't, and I told them to phone Paul Dacre at the Daily Wail but they wouldn't, so that was that. Anyway, on our Mini Break (did I tell you I PAID FOR our Mini-Break?) when Daaaavid said 'Do you fancy a bit of a frolic' I thought he said 'Have you txtd. Nic about the horse with a bit of colic?'
I actually dislike DScrace even more than I dislike La Lizard. The way he tells her things about his personal life knowing it will be splashed all over the Daily Mail and not seeming to care how much pain it might cause his previous family is disgusting, and if he really is anything like La Lizard portrays he just seems like, overall, a pathetic moron of a human being.
I'd bet my rent money that that is part of their deal. One can only hope he warned his kids in advance. I suspect not.