Should I tell her

[Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 242
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Hello! About to barrage you with a lot of self pity and madness so sorry for that, but if anyone has any advice or tips, I would be most grateful.

So anyways, a few months ago I met this girl I quite liked, I mean really, really liked. She's funny, sweet, intelligent and attractive, and is one of the few girls in the world I can actually talk to. In fact, I'd say we're probably best friends, and I think she might to. But here's the thing, I think I'm actually in love with her as well. I'm always thinking about her, and I become so jealous when she talks about her boyfriend. And it's a real arse because, as I say, she has a boyfriend already, who she does actually seem to be really happy with, but even if she didn't, I'm fairly certain she doesn't think about me in that way. So I don't know what do. How does one actually go about getting over this? Assuming I cant be with her, how do I stop thinking about her, what tips if any can people give for getting over a person their in love with and forgetting about them? Also... I have been wondering, should I actually tell her how I feel? I want to tell her, to let them know how I feel, but I'm also desperate to avoid any awkwardness between us and to keep her as a friend as much as possible.

Many thanks :)
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 2,232
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    This is going to sound harsh, but I think the only way to get over her in a romantic way is to have a break from her and meet another girl. Then return to her for platonic friendship once you've kind of got over those feelings. Tell her first. If she's mature enough, she'll agree that it's for the best.
  • WizsisterWizsister Posts: 481
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    Don't tell her. It may sound like she's not happy with her boyfriend if she's talking about him in a negative way at times but that's what girls do. If she didn't like him she wouldn't be with him.
  • Dr. LinusDr. Linus Posts: 6,445
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    If she has a boyfriend you have to respect that, and as much as it may seem like the opposite, it is actually an extremely selfish and disrespectful thing to do to try and win her love if she's taken. Don't kid yourself into thinking you're rescuing her from anyone as you are besotted and she feels just the same about her boyfriend. Sorry if it sounds a bit harsh but tough love is the solution to unrequited feelings. I can guarantee you she won't leave her boyfriend for you and you'll be left with an awkward problem in your friendship. Take it on the chin and find the real "one", I'm sure they'll make you even happier than she would. :)
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 242
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    Yeah, I do think much of what your saying is right, and I have sort of resigned myself to the knowledge that I probably wont tell her a thing, and just continue as friends. I am desperate to stop feeling so mad about this situation though, and to stop being quite so jealous of the other guy... surely there are ways to get over a woman without just cutting ties with them, ending the friendship? Presumably if I were to stop seeing her, I'd have to let her know why, and that would still leave things confused/rubbish? Plus, would this even help? Haven't actually seen her that much in the past 2 weeks, and not really made any difference to how I feel. I know this is hardly an easy question, and probably not one anyone on here can answer, but surely there are ways to stop being so attached to a person while still remaining friends? How exactly does a person fall out of love with someone?
  • WizsisterWizsister Posts: 481
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    Usually happens naturally when someone else comes along.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 242
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    Wizsister wrote: »
    Usually happens naturally when someone else comes along.

    yeah... these do all seem like quite obvious questions when looking back at them, it's just, aaah, feel like in a mad situation atm
  • puffenstuffpuffenstuff Posts: 1,069
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    Stop hanging round with her you dont want to be friend zoned, hope she splits up with the other guy and only then get into flirtateous banter in text, if your banter leads nowhere then say nothing further,distance may have created some interest if she had been single and you had suddenly become unavailable but best advice is move on
  • ags_ruleags_rule Posts: 19,389
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    Janus_Mars wrote: »
    Yeah, I do think much of what your saying is right, and I have sort of resigned myself to the knowledge that I probably wont tell her a thing, and just continue as friends. I am desperate to stop feeling so mad about this situation though, and to stop being quite so jealous of the other guy... surely there are ways to get over a woman without just cutting ties with them, ending the friendship? Presumably if I were to stop seeing her, I'd have to let her know why, and that would still leave things confused/rubbish? Plus, would this even help? Haven't actually seen her that much in the past 2 weeks, and not really made any difference to how I feel. I know this is hardly an easy question, and probably not one anyone on here can answer, but surely there are ways to stop being so attached to a person while still remaining friends? How exactly does a person fall out of love with someone?

    The answer is pretty simple - you're not in love with this girl.

    We've all been there. Either gotten really close to a friend to the extent it has felt like love rather than friendship; or been in a relationship that moved so fast you were telling each other you were in love after a month.

    When you're in love with someone, you'll know. At the minute you're besotted, not in love.

    As others have said, you need to get back on the train and start talking to other girls instead. If this girl was in any way not satisfied with her boyfriend she would have dumped him already - I'm afraid to say she has friendzoned you which is why she feels comfortable talking to you about it, rather than giving you hints to come and save her from her evil boyfriend.

    Unfortunately some girls are just very bad at making their intentions clear. I don't think most of them do it deliberately, as they are genuinely nice people, but they don't realise they are leading guys like you on.
  • Blondie XBlondie X Posts: 28,662
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    Please don't tell her.

    I'm in a situation at the moment where my best male friend came on to me a couple of weeks ago when he'd had a lot to drink and, for whatever reason, has avoided me ever since. I've texted and emailed him several times and told him not to worry and that it won't change anything but he won't reply and I really miss him.

    Silly thing is, we're both 40+ and neither of us are single so it's not a young person with a crush or something.
  • Frankie_LittleFrankie_Little Posts: 9,271
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    Don't tell her - you'll regret it and you'll lose her friendship. Make an effort to go out without her, meet other girls, available girls, and have a few dates with them. You're probably just infatuated with her, not truly in love, and once you've distanced yourself a bit from her, you'll realise that.
  • Dr. LinusDr. Linus Posts: 6,445
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    Janus_Mars wrote: »
    Yeah, I do think much of what your saying is right, and I have sort of resigned myself to the knowledge that I probably wont tell her a thing, and just continue as friends. I am desperate to stop feeling so mad about this situation though, and to stop being quite so jealous of the other guy... surely there are ways to get over a woman without just cutting ties with them, ending the friendship? Presumably if I were to stop seeing her, I'd have to let her know why, and that would still leave things confused/rubbish? Plus, would this even help? Haven't actually seen her that much in the past 2 weeks, and not really made any difference to how I feel. I know this is hardly an easy question, and probably not one anyone on here can answer, but surely there are ways to stop being so attached to a person while still remaining friends? How exactly does a person fall out of love with someone?

    You just will. You may not believe me when I say this but eventually you will get bored. Certain thought processes will start to kick in. The physical attraction will turn into frustration, and your reaction to that will be noticing other people as alternatives. The romantic attraction will just become plain depressing (this is already happening to you) so you'll (correctly) decide that talking to other girls/people in general will make you happier than she does. Once both of these things start happening you'll have an epiphany where you realise you don't actually need her love as there are other options. And then suddenly, voila, you're over her. So all you actually have to do is be patient and it will wear off. It will of course help if you give yourself a push and try getting out there with other girls and stop thinking about her as much...

    Source: several bitter experiences!
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 242
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    thanks for the generally very sensible advice everyone
  • sandydunesandydune Posts: 10,986
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    Janus_Mars wrote:
    So anyways, a few months ago I met this girl I quite liked, I mean really, really liked. She's funny, sweet, intelligent and attractive, and is one of the few girls in the world I can actually talk to. In fact, I'd say we're probably best friends
    Carry on being a great friend, you are both there for each other and sometimes that is all you need to get by, in certain times of your life. Maybe a day in the future, things will change, when you are both ready and you won't need to ask that question.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 242
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    I'm back, with the same old stupid problems as before, though to be fair, I actually am feeling a little better than last time I commented on here, and feel ok with the idea of not telling her how I feel, and just forgetting about her (thanks for all the advice last time BTW!:)).

    But the whole forgetting about her bit, that is tricky, and despite my attempts to move on, I am still just as hung up and down over this person. Of course, it probably doesn't help that I'm always hanging out with her, and often, her boyfriend. She's my best mate, so I do actually see her quite a bit, so I'm wondering if maybe seeing her less would help get her out of my head, and help me move on. There are a couple of posters above who have suggested this, that I stop seeing her, but there are others who seemed to also say I should carry on just being a friend, and I'm wondering if people do think cutting ties with the person would actually help, or if it wouldn't really make a difference in terms of the time it takes to get over the person? If people do think I should stop seeing this person, do we mean totally, cutting all ties, or just seeing them less? Obviously I am reluctant to stop seeing the person, not jut because like them but also because they are quite a good friend to, If I do quite with the whole scorched Earth approach as well, wont she notice, wont she realise we don't see each anymore? And if that happens then aren't we just back to the whole "should I tell her" predicament?

    My main concern is that I carry on being friends with her, and presumably I cant keep on being friends with them either, if I just start avoiding them. But also, at the same time, feeling this way, ggaaaaahhhhh, drives me nuts...

    Thanks again, for taking the time to read m whine fest. Would appreciate it if everyone could tell me what they think is the sensible solution :) (sorry for any bad spelling/grammar BTW, quite tired atm)
  • Toby LaRhoneToby LaRhone Posts: 12,916
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    Janus_Mars wrote: »
    thanks for the generally very sensible advice everyone
    Yeah, but it's clearly not working so I'm going out on a limb here.
    Put your hand on her breast and come back and tell us what happened.
    What's to lose?
    (Assuming her boyfriend is not watching)
  • Jean-FrancoisJean-Francois Posts: 2,301
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    Yeah, but it's clearly not working so I'm going out on a limb here.
    Put your hand on her breast and come back and tell us what happened.
    What's to lose?
    (Assuming her boyfriend is not watching)


    Mmmm, could work I guess, but these things have to be done with a modicum of finesse.
    You say that you are virtually best friends, this would probably allow you to get inside her comfort zone as it were, closer to her than a stranger could.
    While talking to her, place a hand casually on her waist, but lightly.
    Continuing the non threatening discussion, gently slide the hand, (left or right, your call), up under her sweater or blouse, and caress the breast, (once again, left or right), moving the thumb in slow lazy circles around the nipple.
    If she is still standing there, and you're not flat on your back by this time, I'd say that you are definitely in with a chance.
  • Frankie_LittleFrankie_Little Posts: 9,271
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    I wouldn't attempt to grope her, no matter how subtly you do it :o She'll probably react with shock and horror and your friendship will be over forever.
  • humdrummerhumdrummer Posts: 4,487
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    Oh for goodness sake - ignore them ^

    Unless, that is, you really do want to go for 'scorched earth' (and possibly visit to A&E). If that's the case then nipple twiddle away...

    My advice would be to start looking outward. All you are doing is focusing on this girl and probably can't see anyone else right now. Start looking around to make other female friendships. Obviously, don't lead anyone on as that would be unkind while you are still hankering after this girl but, I think it would help you to realise that there are other women in the world who are also sweet, caring and fun. You've got blinkers on and she's the only thing you can see. Take a look around. It won't hurt.
  • JulesFJulesF Posts: 6,461
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    Mmmm, could work I guess, but these things have to be done with a modicum of finesse.
    You say that you are virtually best friends, this would probably allow you to get inside her comfort zone as it were, closer to her than a stranger could.
    While talking to her, place a hand casually on her waist, but lightly.
    Continuing the non threatening discussion, gently slide the hand, (left or right, your call), up under her sweater or blouse, and caress the breast, (once again, left or right), moving the thumb in slow lazy circles around the nipple.
    If she is still standing there, and you're not flat on your back by this time, I'd say that you are definitely in with a chance.

    I know that this is supposed to be funny, but it just comes across as creepy. Very very creepy. *Shudder*.
  • Frankie_LittleFrankie_Little Posts: 9,271
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    JulesF wrote: »
    I know that this is supposed to be funny, but it just comes across as creepy. Very very creepy. *Shudder*.
    It does, doesn't it? I can just see his dirty fingernails and smell the halitosis. Ewwwww.
  • JulesFJulesF Posts: 6,461
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    It does, doesn't it? I can just see his dirty fingernails and smell the halitosis. Ewwwww.

    LOL. Also a moustache with bits of dried food on it. I don't know why but sex pests and 'taches seem to be a match made in heaven (or hell).
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 242
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    Yeah, but it's clearly not working so I'm going out on a limb here.
    Put your hand on her breast and come back and tell us what happened.
    What's to lose?
    (Assuming her boyfriend is not watching)

    Mmmm, could work I guess, but these things have to be done with a modicum of finesse.
    You say that you are virtually best friends, this would probably allow you to get inside her comfort zone as it were, closer to her than a stranger could.
    While talking to her, place a hand casually on her waist, but lightly.
    Continuing the non threatening discussion, gently slide the hand, (left or right, your call), up under her sweater or blouse, and caress the breast, (once again, left or right), moving the thumb in slow lazy circles around the nipple.
    If she is still standing there, and you're not flat on your back by this time, I'd say that you are definitely in with a chance.

    Um... ya know how I was saying everyone had given good+sensible advice... yeah, naah, not so much...

    Honestly, whoever said romance was dead... :D
    humdrummer wrote: »
    Oh for goodness sake - ignore them ^

    Unless, that is, you really do want to go for 'scorched earth' (and possibly visit to A&E). If that's the case then nipple twiddle away...

    My advice would be to start looking outward. All you are doing is focusing on this girl and probably can't see anyone else right now. Start looking around to make other female friendships. Obviously, don't lead anyone on as that would be unkind while you are still hankering after this girl but, I think it would help you to realise that there are other women in the world who are also sweet, caring and fun. You've got blinkers on and she's the only thing you can see. Take a look around. It won't hurt.

    I understand this, I was just wondering if not seeing her anymore would actually help, in this regard? Or would it not really make much difference do you think? Never really been exactly confident around women, so while I obviously am open to stuff with other people, and indeed have been actively trying to do more stuff with other people, I am really looking for a way to get over the flunk I'm in right now while still being single etc.. it's not the fact I'm not with anyone that gets me down really, I'm perfectly capable of dealing with that, my main concern is just that I stop getting so hung up over this one person, and hopefully, can come to see them in a Platonic way...
  • Frankie_LittleFrankie_Little Posts: 9,271
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    Stop seeing her over the next couple of weeks, make it your mission to meet and talk to a few other girls. You're infatuated with your friend and it's preventing you from seeing other potential girlfriends.

    I'm glad you're disregarding the groping advice!! :D
  • Chilli DragonChilli Dragon Posts: 24,684
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    Janus_Mars wrote: »
    my main concern is just that I stop getting so hung up over this one person, and hopefully, can come to see them in a Platonic way...

    You won't. You absolutely won't whilst you are still hanging around with her. Stop seeing her and in a few months or longer, you won't have these feelings. I've been there and it was over a year before I eventually stopped having these feeling for a friend. And I went there....told him stuff, slept with him....

    Clean break. :)
  • mrsgrumpy49mrsgrumpy49 Posts: 10,061
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    In my part of the world we call it being 'smitten' by someone :D
    I expect it has happened to many of us. OP you might just have to suck it up and get on with it. It's almost a rite of passage and one day the feeling just goes away when you are not even looking. Seriously.
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