What am I scared of?
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For as long as I can remember I have being totally terrified of relationships, I even remember being around 10 yeras old and a boy inviting me to a party and sobbing for hours over it as I was so scared. All through school I felt like this, however hoped when I was "a grown up" I would be fine.
However I am now coming up to 24 and I still have never had a boyfriend, never slept with anyone, never been on a date etc etc. People tell me I'm pretty, and I was even apporached to model a couple of years back, so its not that I don't get men approaching me, but I just panic at the thought of any situation which could be romantic etc
I had a bad childhood, although I have had no history of sexual abuse, there were other forms of abuse and I guess this may have led to my problems. I began seeing a counsellor about a year ago hoping that I could overcome whatever issues I have, but nothing has changed, and I've seen 2 different ones - neither has helped.
Things are actually getting worse as the older I get the more I feel like a freak, so therefore I avoid things even more incase anyone "finds out". Any advice as this is actually starting to ruin my life. The way things are now I don't see marriage and kids as an option.
However I am now coming up to 24 and I still have never had a boyfriend, never slept with anyone, never been on a date etc etc. People tell me I'm pretty, and I was even apporached to model a couple of years back, so its not that I don't get men approaching me, but I just panic at the thought of any situation which could be romantic etc
I had a bad childhood, although I have had no history of sexual abuse, there were other forms of abuse and I guess this may have led to my problems. I began seeing a counsellor about a year ago hoping that I could overcome whatever issues I have, but nothing has changed, and I've seen 2 different ones - neither has helped.
Things are actually getting worse as the older I get the more I feel like a freak, so therefore I avoid things even more incase anyone "finds out". Any advice as this is actually starting to ruin my life. The way things are now I don't see marriage and kids as an option.
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I have also seen a counsellor about things, and though it helped short term, I'm still back at square one (unrelated problem).
The old cliches tend to be the best thing. Have a look in your local paper for clubs in your area, take up something you may be interested in, could be anything. At these things, you'll meet people and you'll be striking up conversations with them, it will help you gain confidence in talking to the opp sex.
I know how you feel, all I can offer you this as well:
However my councillor knows about this and we have been working on different strategies to help but so far nothing is working.
Its just so frustrating! I think I really do need to force myself to go out and meet men as suggested but the thought makes me feel phsically sick. Even though I am attracted to men I can never follow through with anything
Kill two birds with one stone, forgive the lame expression, lol.
I think it's no wonder you feel the way you do with that childhood - your subconscious has taught you that being in a relationship with a man is bad bad thing, and it will just expose you to violence and hurt.
It's sad that the councilling hasn't helped you - has the councillor talked about this particular issue and how precisely it's affecting you?
Perhaps you could try and actual relationship councellor like Relate as they will be able to focus entirely on relationships.
Practically I'd say the way you can start moving forward it to make male friends, with NO intention whatsoever of dating them.
Would you vonsider hypnotherapy too? I don't mean telling you to love shagging them or anything but the use of some positive reinforcements to help you visualise yourself in the company of men, alone, may help you.
I have considered asking to change however I have already done this once as at first I thought that I wasn't getting better because the first councillor wasn't very good. Neither seem to be up to much though.
Would like to go private but as a student couldn't afford it. Is relate free or do you have to pay? I would be open to hynotherapy but presume it costs?
That could have been me talking :eek: I went through 6 months of intensive counselling which did help a little, just having someone to talk to. I always backed away from relationships especially when it involved any emotional attachment and up until very recently still did. The issues don't go away with counselling, you have to work at it to overcome them yourself- they just provide the support.
Try not to think of situations as romantic, just live for the moment and enjoy the company of men. You need to slowly build the trust back up through male friends- having had no trust due to previous events myself it's been difficult but I'm getting there. I have been helped by the loveliest man you could ever meet. Taking a chance is worth it. Your past is your past and there will be a point where you decide what your dad did can't rule your life. You're stronger than he is/was just by posting what you have.
Just as an aside, did you ever find out why he abused you? For years I always wondered why it was me. Then, when I found out it prompted me to move on. That was my real stepping stone. Although the pain/hurt/scarring never leaves you it does get easier.
Good luck with everything x
In relation to romantic relationships, someone that truly cares about you will do their best to understand what you've been through and will wait - if they don't, then they aren't worth the trouble and put that down to a learning experience and know that the next relationship will be better because of what you've learned from the last one - a friend of mine always says about romantic relationships 'it only needs to happen right once'
Good luck
Hello Scot_babe,
I just thought I'd add that I used to be exactly the same as you - the idea of being close to a man made me panic and repulsed me, the thought of having to talk to one made me uncontrollably nervous.
However, I am slowly managing to overcome this now thanks to my college course - it's a practical film course with 3 girls (inc. me) and 15 guys. Due to the nature of the course, we are put in alternating groups helping others to film projects. So, I've had no choice but to work with guys and talk to them. Now, I've realised I'd rather spend my time with guys than girls as they don't hide anything and what you see if what you get. It's hanging around with girls previously that had made me so insecure and feel utterly worthless to the opposite sex!
I don't know if it's the same for you but if that rings a bell then there is hope! You may have to force yourself out of your comfort zone i.e. join a club or take a short class in something that will enable you to observe/interact with guys and just realise that they aren't something to hide away from.
There's no need to go out of your way to make conversation with men, but if a guy decides to strike up a conversation with you, just go with the flow - the worst that can happen is silence but he won't think badly of you!
I don't know if it'd help but perhaps if you decide to 'act' as a different character for a day? Go into town and just walk up to male shop assistants, bold as brass, asking a question about a product. Put on an accent if it helps! But you'll soon find that you can relate to your new 'character' and apply it to yourself
I met my husband on the internet when I was 25, and have now been happily married for nearly 10 years.
But I never believed that I could even go anywhere to meet someone - the mad thing was he was living about 6 hours drive away from me, so if I hadn't looked online there's no way we would ever have met.
Don't give up hope - I really did think my situation was hopeless, but it's worked out great.
In my opinion switching counsellors is not the right thing to do, as soon as you do the new one has to start all over again in terms of "opening" memories up.
Also the longer you spend with a counsellor the more comfortable you will be, meaning you will be more inclined to open up anyway
Have you ever had any guy friends at all, or just acquatancies?
As part of my counselling I have been set little tasks such as going up to ask a shop assistant a question etc as previously mentioned and I was able to do it so maybe its just a case of perseverence.
You have to look at yourself in the mirror and ask if you're up for the challenge of stepping out of your comfort zone. Don't just amble along doing what your counsellor says only doing it because she said so. Make sure you want to get over it, you are focused and determined enough to do so.
I have seen people with problems, then go to counselling etc and it does nothing for them because they are just being pushed into "recovery" without having the real desire themselves to get over it.
And just imagine how good it will be afterwards, when you can talk to guys like me and not run off crying
I'm so sorry for you and I know exactly how you feel. I have a history of being sexually abused which is no worse than being mentally or physically abused, it all seems to amount to the same...ABUSE!
I can perfectly understand that you want to keep yourself sort of hidden to emotions. Nobody could blame you, you've been through hell.
The only advice I could try to give here is to talk to a stranger or counsellor who has no knowledge of you as a person, like a family member would know all about you. Talk to someone who won't judge you and then try to help you in tiny little steps to become a whole person and not let the person/s who hurt you so badly make you a victim of it for the rest of your life.
As for the the future with relationships, you can look at those when you feel well and good about the lovely person that you really are.
Yeah I think sadly that's the answer - the only way you are going to get better about it is to face it head on.
Knowing you have some male friends, I wonder - do you have any male friend you absoltuely trust implicitly? If you do, amybe you could talk to him about your problem and see if perhaps he could work with you to help face your issues. eg maybe he could sit with you and do stuff like hold your hand, for a while, or kiss your cheek etc. And just build up general "closeness" with someone, without any pressure of expectations of sex or anything akin to it.
I'm wondering if a lot of your fear comes become you are flashing forward - ie if a guy is flirting with you, you are already imaging him wanting sex and how you couldn't cope with that.
Becuase you didn't do this kind of thing in your teens, you missed experimenting with being close with boys in a "safe atmosphere". eg when you're 12 etc and there's no expectations of sex at all. You go with a boy and it means holding hands and snogging and that's it. Now at your age you feel you can't experiment with those things and see how you feel about it, because you are afraid they will feel it means SEX and that terrifies you.
I think that pretty much sums it up. I really do think I missed out on all the experimenting in my teens and now I would be thrown into a situation that I wouldn't know how to cope with and it terrifies me.
As for "flashing forward" that hits the nail on the head. If I'm out and a guy starts talking to me I instantly think "he's going to want me to come home with me" so I panic and make a swift escape. I really want to get past this but it seems like a mountain to climb. I'm scared if I let a guy get close to me, what his reaction would be when I tell him how inexperienced I am and that I have no clue what I'm doing. Physically or emotionally...