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Boyfriend won't lose weight
vintage_girl
Posts: 3,573 Forum Member
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I know I'll get a lot of stick for this for being "shallow" but I'm at my wits' end. When I met my bf several years ago he was in reasonably good shape. He's always been broad with a slight belly, but he used to go to the gym and jog and he looked good.
Since we've settled down he's completely let himself go. He still eats big portions but hardly exercises and he's put on a lot of weight. His belly now hangs over his trousers and he has a double chin. I love him just as much as when he was in shape, and we have a great relationship, but the weight thing is really bothering me.
I've tried being subtle by going to the gym and asking if he wants to come along, but every time it's a struggle to convince him. And when we do get there he barely does anything. Then I tried the direct approach, while trying to be nice about it and that didn't work either. We've argued about it a few times since, and it's always the same. He gets sulky, then admits he does need to exercise. He'll go jogging for 20 minutes once a week for a while, then it fizzles out. And he keeps eating mountains of food.
I've always kept myself in shape and I exercise several times a week, so I really resent it that he's not bothered about himself anymore. I flinch when he takes his clothes off and really hate touching his belly. I know it sounds horrible, but I can't help it. I still love him as a person and want to be with him, but I worry that if he's like this in his early 20s, what will he be like in 10 years time?
I feel like I'm turning into a nag, always keeping on at him about healthy eating and exercising. I hate being like this and wish he'd take some responsibility for himself. I always feel really guilty as well, he's never said a bad word about my body and I know I'm not perfect either. But at the same time I'm aware that I'm in better shape than him and I don't want to be with someone who could potentially become obese in future.
I don't know what else to do, what would other people do? (Sorry for the long post)
Since we've settled down he's completely let himself go. He still eats big portions but hardly exercises and he's put on a lot of weight. His belly now hangs over his trousers and he has a double chin. I love him just as much as when he was in shape, and we have a great relationship, but the weight thing is really bothering me.
I've tried being subtle by going to the gym and asking if he wants to come along, but every time it's a struggle to convince him. And when we do get there he barely does anything. Then I tried the direct approach, while trying to be nice about it and that didn't work either. We've argued about it a few times since, and it's always the same. He gets sulky, then admits he does need to exercise. He'll go jogging for 20 minutes once a week for a while, then it fizzles out. And he keeps eating mountains of food.
I've always kept myself in shape and I exercise several times a week, so I really resent it that he's not bothered about himself anymore. I flinch when he takes his clothes off and really hate touching his belly. I know it sounds horrible, but I can't help it. I still love him as a person and want to be with him, but I worry that if he's like this in his early 20s, what will he be like in 10 years time?
I feel like I'm turning into a nag, always keeping on at him about healthy eating and exercising. I hate being like this and wish he'd take some responsibility for himself. I always feel really guilty as well, he's never said a bad word about my body and I know I'm not perfect either. But at the same time I'm aware that I'm in better shape than him and I don't want to be with someone who could potentially become obese in future.
I don't know what else to do, what would other people do? (Sorry for the long post)
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He could also possibly be of the mind "well i've got the girl, I don't need to try any more.." as well.
I think the only way you'll get to the bottom of it is really going to be the one way you probably don't want to do and that's talk to him about it. It's a risk because he obviously might take it the wrong way, but the more you fret silently about it, the worse it'll make it.
Yep, you're right about that bit.
You either want to be with him or you don't. To my mind, that means accepting the person as they are. If you can't do that, then he's not the one for you.
I never lost a pound until I wanted to do it for myself no one else can tell a person how they should look or what they should eat.
And yes that's exactly what I thought when I read the post.
The only thing you - or me or any of us - can control is our own attitude. If you can't get past him putting all this weight on and making no effort to get rid of it, then you might have to seriously think about packing him in.
Yes, I know that sounds drastic, but you only get a choice in what you do, not in what he does.
I don't think she's shallow She'd be shallow if she just dumped him but she's been trying to support him and nudge him towards a healthier life style.
I think it might well be time to sit him down and tell him you're worried about him, OP - his future health, his state of mind and so on. YOu can be loving about this. You might win him round.
We've talked about it many times, but to no avail. He says that he's had a big appetite since he can remember and that he eats the right amount for a man. He says that I just think he eats a lot because I eat small portions (I don't, they're just small compared to his.)
It's not the eating that's the biggest problem really, it's the lack of exercise. I cook healthy meals now, but if he's not going to exercise then he'll still keep piling on the weight. When I say that he gets defensive and says "Oh but I went for a run on Sunday." He doesn't seem to understand that a 20 minute run once a week isn't enough to make a difference, but if I say anything he says that I'm never satisfied.
That's another thing, he seems to think he's doing this to keep me happy, rather than for himself. That's an even bigger turn off than the weight itself- it makes me feel like a horrible girlfriend and also makes me lose respect for him. I just don't understand why he doesn't want to get in shape. But when I ask him that he says he does. And round and round we go. Aaargh!
Supporting him doesn't quite mean the same to you and me I think. You cannot support while trying to control.
It's not as clear cut as that. As I said I still love him as a person and want to be with him, but attraction is important.If he was this weight when we met then I probably wouldn't have gone out with him. Would you stand by and watch someone you love get unhealthy, knowing that he'll get obese if he carries on like that? I'm not expecting him to look like a supermodel, just be healthier. It's so easily done, and it would be madness to throw away an otherwise good relationship.
To be fair, there's a difference between being overweight and being obese, the latter IS a real danger to health and unattractive when it comes to your love life. Like it or not, physical attraction plays a role when it comes to partner selection and your sexuality too and 'letting yourself go' is often a sign that you've stopped caring about yourself. I'm not talking David Beckham here but people who are obese have done just that.
There might well be underlining issues behind the over-eating - work issues etc - and it's worth investigating that before putting it down to just liking to eat too much. At the end of the day though, he's got to want to do it himself, all the nagging in the world won't motivate him.
I agree with the above poster about having a different opinion on supporting someone, supporting them isnt pushing them to make a decision to suit you its supporting them in a decision that they've made.
I do love him for himself, I don't love him any less because of the weight, I just feel less attracted to him physically. That's not something I can help. I know I can't tell him what to do, and I don't want to either. I want him to want to do it himself, like he did when we met.
He's not eating any more, he's eating the same as always, just not exercising. if I don't say anything then things will get worse, yet if do say something I'm the bad guy.
Saying "I don't understand why he doesn't want to get in shape" does kind of suggest you may come off as slightly more demanding than you might think. Think about it - you say he seems to think he's doing it to please you, so maybe you're unconsciously nagging him about it ?
It's easy to nag people we're close to without realising you're doing it - I do it to a good friend of mine a lot of the time.
I would be inclined to re-assure him that you still love him no matter what and that he doesn't have to do anything to "please you". I'd also try to back off for a while over mealtimes - maybe order in the odd greasy takeaway or cook a big fry up once in a while and see what he does. If he starts to get the message that you still want to be with him, then he might relax and start to get back in to his old habits of exercising more and getting in shape.
If he doesn't then I'm afraid you're probably going to have a rather uncomfortable decision to make.
I've done this loads of times. He always agrees that things need to change and that he wants to get healthier. He'll make an effort for a few weeks, during that time I'm supportive and encourage him, then he goes back to his old ways and the whole thing starts again. He just doesn't seem to have the willpower.
Portion control and be strict about it. No hidden boxes of Jaffa Cakes under the bed either :eek:
The OP already goes to the gym and struggles to get him to go along. When he does he doesn't do much...
How can you not do much at a gym?
Get changed, walk about a bit, shower, get changed
I do nag him, I know that I do it and I feel awful about it. He also nags me about some things though.
The food isn't really the problem. I don't care what he eats, and he has started to eat healthier. it's the lack of exercise. He always says that he used to love jogging and the gym, so that's why I don't understand why he doesn't want to do it now. He always says he doesn't have time, but he does. He just wastes it by lying in bed until 2pm at the weekend with his laptop.
Then again, what kind of a person dumps a long term boyfriend for getting fat? How would I even go about explaining my decision, if I was to do that...