Another relationship thread
~*~Jess~*~
Posts: 4,157 Forum Member
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Argh I'm not sure what advice I'm asking for really, I guess that I've only got one proper friend left now and just want to 'let it all out'.
I was with someone up until 3rd May for 2 and a half years and we split up because he was violent towards me and smashed some stuff up in the house. Since then, I've had a lot of time to reflect and I realise he was quite controlling, in who I could see and what time I went out til (if I got the chance to go).
We've had contact as we have children together and I've been really strong, I've told him my feelings (that I wasn't in love with him anymore) and he's devastated. We've let a lot of our opinions about why the relationship broke down out in the open, and he's vowed to change. He has said that it takes something as serious as this to change someone.
The thing is, I'm not attracted to him anymore, I love him to bits because he's my kids' father but I'm not 'in' love with him and I don't fancy him. He's been a different person and has been really lovely and when he goes, I find myself missing him sometimes.
I don't want this to be because I'm used to him being there, at the same time I'm really enjoying the space and time I have on my own without him there.
I also don't want to get sucked in with him saying he'll change when he ultimately won't - but how will I know unless I give him a chance. I'm scared because I've gone so far for a while now with not leading him on, he knows the score but thinks he can fix it.
As it stands, I can see all my friends that I was never able to see when I was with him, but I feel so guilty all the time. I hate hurting him and never want to break anyone's heart but I guess I can't continue a relationship with someone just for their sake as I will end up hating him!
He says I have an 'attachment' problem because my mother left me when I was a baby and I have never understood this - he may have a point here but I don't want this to be him manipulating me!
As I said earlier I'm not entirely sure what advice I'm looking for really, but if anyone has a friendly opinion then please post! I can't be dealing with sarcasm or rudeness right now as I'm confused enough
I was with someone up until 3rd May for 2 and a half years and we split up because he was violent towards me and smashed some stuff up in the house. Since then, I've had a lot of time to reflect and I realise he was quite controlling, in who I could see and what time I went out til (if I got the chance to go).
We've had contact as we have children together and I've been really strong, I've told him my feelings (that I wasn't in love with him anymore) and he's devastated. We've let a lot of our opinions about why the relationship broke down out in the open, and he's vowed to change. He has said that it takes something as serious as this to change someone.
The thing is, I'm not attracted to him anymore, I love him to bits because he's my kids' father but I'm not 'in' love with him and I don't fancy him. He's been a different person and has been really lovely and when he goes, I find myself missing him sometimes.
I don't want this to be because I'm used to him being there, at the same time I'm really enjoying the space and time I have on my own without him there.
I also don't want to get sucked in with him saying he'll change when he ultimately won't - but how will I know unless I give him a chance. I'm scared because I've gone so far for a while now with not leading him on, he knows the score but thinks he can fix it.
As it stands, I can see all my friends that I was never able to see when I was with him, but I feel so guilty all the time. I hate hurting him and never want to break anyone's heart but I guess I can't continue a relationship with someone just for their sake as I will end up hating him!
He says I have an 'attachment' problem because my mother left me when I was a baby and I have never understood this - he may have a point here but I don't want this to be him manipulating me!
As I said earlier I'm not entirely sure what advice I'm looking for really, but if anyone has a friendly opinion then please post! I can't be dealing with sarcasm or rudeness right now as I'm confused enough
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Comments
This is what I mean, he has vowed to change... and I don't know whether he will or not. Oh I don't know, I just am so confused right now.
I think that you need to consider your reasons for giving it another go - make a list of the positives and negatives. From your OP I feel your reasons for considering it are all about others - the kids, his feelings etc - you should only do it if you are 100% sure its what you want and you feel that he is able to change and give you what you need out of a relationship.
Whether you agree to try again with your ex- or not, you should really try to get to the root of why you allowed him to control and abuse you the way you did.
Until you can change that, you quite possibly won't find any happiness with anyone.
Hi Jess,
It seems to me that he's just missing having someone to bully - the comment he made about you having an ''attachment problem'' is classic manipulative behaviour - he wants to make you believe that the split was your fault, when in reality, it was his bullying and controlling behaviour that prompted the split.
I'm just going to say it - normally, I would be of the ''do what makes you happy'' ilk, and wouldn't try to influence a person regarding their relationship, but having seen people close to me go through this - do not get back with him. He's abusive, manipulative, and controlling. He says he'll change, but then is making comments that place the blame for this split on your shoulders, trying to make you doubt your convictions. It's natural that you miss him - he made sure you had nobody else in your life. Go out, rekindle your friendhips, enjoy yourself and only have contact with him regarding the kids (Another reason for you not to go back to him - kids shouldn't be brought up in a controlling relationship) He wants to suck you back in so he can control you again, and when he does, there'll be no change in his behaviour - in fact, he could wear you down even more to the point where you can't react.
Perhaps I'm way off the mark, if so, I apologise. It just seems to me from your OP that he isn't good news. If he does make changes to his behaviour, good for him - the next girlfriend won't be subject to his control.
I agree.
Hi DoogieBoogie, this is my fear and I guess I wanted somebody to confirm it for me, as I'm sure his manipulation has worked and made me think that I'm going mad and dreaming up farfetched consequences if we were to get back together!
My friend actually said to me 'He's laying the guilt on you because he's no longer in control and can't handle it" and when I start to crack, I remind myself what she said and I regain my strength!
I guess I need to stick to my guns and hope he might just eventually get the message when he realises he can no longer manipulate me. I've done about 5-6 weeks so far, which is quite impressive for me as I hate to hurt people or let them down!
He has also said that his mum (where he's staying now) has a student moving in soon and she wants his stuff out of the room. Guess who he's asked to keep his stuff for him. Yep, me. When I suggested his aunty (who he's very close to) who has a spare room since her daughter moved in with her boyfriend, he said 'No she works and I wouldn't be able to access my stuff'.
I must tell him (and myself!) that 1) if his own mother prefers a student over him then this is not my problem, yes I feel for him <then suggest aunty again>
2) He has options available and is choosing to be homeless instead of live with a member of family is a bit pathetic really and quite obsessive behaviour!
Your friend is right - he's trying to make you feel guilty. Don't let him. He's a grown man, he can find somewhere to live himself. I helped a friend through a break-up last year, and her ex was exactly the same - he'd text her at stupid o'clock to tell her he had to sleep on a park bench, then turn up at 7am to harrass her. It wasn't until I pointed out that he was showered, shaved and in clean clothes that she realised he was lying to make her feel guilty.
Stick to your guns - he's just trying to wear you down. Tell him that you won't be swayed on this or anything else, and that he can put his stuff into a rented storage unit if he has nowhere else. You're doing great, and over time you'll get stronger. This is what he fears most, so he'll do whatever it takes to reel you back in before it does. Let him try his silly games - smile and ignore. Unless it's about the kids, don't talk to him. You don't need to engage in any sort of dialogue with him. And rediscover the old you - get out and about, invite old friends over for BBQ's or drinks, and learn how to enjoy yourself again.
I agree he is trying to manipulate you and for your own sake you need to stick to your guns. The short term will be heart-wrenching for you but it will get better. You might even end up with a friendly relationship, where you can be adults who can get on. Keep that in mind as you move on.
Correct. Once he crosses that Rubicon there is no way back.
No matter how much he implores you that he has changed, raising a hand to the mother of his children is breach of trust that cannot and should not be forgiven.
Look for a future without him.