My flatmate is in the closet but don´t know whether to confront him about it?
Basically I met him through a friend as I was looking for a new place to live and within 10 mintutes of meeting him for the first time my gaydar went off (I am bisexual) but he is the typical straight acting, football loving, beer drinking guy who is mates with all the other guys and no one suspects a thing, you know the type I mean? Well anyway I knew he was by the way he looked at me, spoke to me & acted around me.
So I finally agreed to move into the the 2nd bedroom of his flat and did so about a month later. In this time we had been talking on Facebook regularly, met up a few times with friends & saw him in the flat whilst I was moving stuff in.
So I finally move in & I still think the same, only there was always I niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I could be wrong so I had to find out for sure so rather naughtly when he was out one night I went on his computer & found lots of adult pics of guys, msn messengers, gaydar profile etc.
I just don´t understand why he hasn´t told me? When I was talking one night he acted surprised that I was bi even though he very well knew the fact & everything he does seems to me like he is ashamed of it and wants to hide it...for example we were talking about having kids & he said he couldn´t wait to get married and have kids and said to me I would miss out!!!
I kindly reminded him that I could have kids either by adoption, AI or meeting a woman. Another example...out one night with other friends we were late to get into a nightclub and whilst walking there he said if the bouncer was a man I could chat him up to get us in but if it was a woman he would!!!!
The thing that really bugs me is by him saying these things/acting this way he is implying that my sexuality is wrong and shameful & that makes me resent him even more but on the other hand I don´t know what kind of pain he is going through trying to accept it himself?
I just get the feeling that he will be one of those closet cases in a few years that gets married & has kids but cheats behind their back with a man a causes everyone heartache....but I just don´t know if I should confront him about it or talk to one of our friends. I just don´t know why he hasn´t felt that he could talk to me as I´m the only bi person he knows so I know for a fact that he wouldn´t have told anyone else...what do you guys think of the situation?
So I finally agreed to move into the the 2nd bedroom of his flat and did so about a month later. In this time we had been talking on Facebook regularly, met up a few times with friends & saw him in the flat whilst I was moving stuff in.
So I finally move in & I still think the same, only there was always I niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I could be wrong so I had to find out for sure so rather naughtly when he was out one night I went on his computer & found lots of adult pics of guys, msn messengers, gaydar profile etc.
I just don´t understand why he hasn´t told me? When I was talking one night he acted surprised that I was bi even though he very well knew the fact & everything he does seems to me like he is ashamed of it and wants to hide it...for example we were talking about having kids & he said he couldn´t wait to get married and have kids and said to me I would miss out!!!
I kindly reminded him that I could have kids either by adoption, AI or meeting a woman. Another example...out one night with other friends we were late to get into a nightclub and whilst walking there he said if the bouncer was a man I could chat him up to get us in but if it was a woman he would!!!!
The thing that really bugs me is by him saying these things/acting this way he is implying that my sexuality is wrong and shameful & that makes me resent him even more but on the other hand I don´t know what kind of pain he is going through trying to accept it himself?
I just get the feeling that he will be one of those closet cases in a few years that gets married & has kids but cheats behind their back with a man a causes everyone heartache....but I just don´t know if I should confront him about it or talk to one of our friends. I just don´t know why he hasn´t felt that he could talk to me as I´m the only bi person he knows so I know for a fact that he wouldn´t have told anyone else...what do you guys think of the situation?
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we had one of those in the family - vile horrible specimen didnt give a toss who he upset, he tore the family apart with his lying and cheating. :mad:
Perhaps making a Gaydar profile and messaging him through it might help. You can chat to him anonymously, gague his reactions and opinions on being gay/bi and if he starts to say things about not fully comfortable with it etc. then you can offer support and advice. You would be surprised what just listening to someone can do for them and their self esteem, so try to help him out.
Failing that, if you find yourself alone with him some night in the flat, suggest a few drinks, and start chatting about your bisexuality and say that you found it hard to accept at first and couldn't imagine what others might feel like, and that you would love to go into cunselling to help others etc. Drop a few hints. Maybe saying it in front of him might make him feel like he may be able to open up to you and discuss it.
That or he is just a very private person who doesn't want anything of that respect discussed in public...
Let me get this right. You suspect your housemate of being gay, nosey through his private stuff and feel all irritated and want to confront him because he doesn't wish to divulge his private life to you?
I say mind your own business and get on with your own life.
And that's putting it politely.
Agreed.
I fail to see why exactly you'd need to 'confront' him about it. Its not like youve found out hes a neo-nazi.
You are basically asking if you should 'out' your flatmate?? (or is he actually your landlord?
My advice in a nutshell is that no you should not 'out' your flat mate and you should stop snooping!!
You should also maybe get yourself out of the house a bit more to prevent you obsessing about this whole thing - which is really none of you business!!
I agree, but without the smiley face.
If you do confront him I hope you have the decency to admit that you searched through all his private stuff since you seem to have such a big thing about people being honest. But if i'm being honest, I hope he throws you out of the house.
No he´s in the closet & talks and acts as if being gay is wrong and that makes me angry. Fair enough if he doesn´t want to tell the whole world about it but why not me when he wanted me to move in at the beginning.
Believe me I spend as little time there as I can either at work, at the gym or out with other people. He started to freak me out with all his lingering stares etc. I feel like i´m a piece of meat and can´t wait to find somewhere else to live.
That is exactly what I´m trying to do. I don´t care about this for my sake or even his really (he acts all big and hard & talks the talk but doesn´t have the guts to be honest) I´m much more worried about later in life, when he continues to have no consideration for others and the following happens...
^^^ This
Odd that you made no mention at all of that in your opening post but spoke instead of confronting him about his sexuality.
Does being gay make you rifle through other people's possessions which are none of your business? Or do you do that because you have no concept of respecting another person's privacy, rather than because you are gay?
Christ, I couldn't agree more. To be so intrusive and disrespectful in someone's personal life! And is this not his choice to come out or not? He doesn't need enemies when he's got a friend like you.:eek:
You're not responsible for his future actions, are you? Just your own. Which you really ought to look at.
I don't believe this story at all.
or anyone else for that matter
cant stand people who thrust their sexual preferences in your face (So to speak) when really I couldnt care less
Move in. As a tenant. That's all.
Why are you "much more worried" about some speculative future event that is positively none of your concern anyway? Have you made some kind of vow to crusade against closet gays everywhere, and see it as your duty to force them to confront some truth in themselves?
Thats quite unbelievable!!
If....and only if he happens to be gay, its his business...this is a personal issue and has no reflection whatsoever on his view of other being being gay.
Also when did landlords have to divulge their sexuality to tenants.
I think your behaviour about this is absolutely disgusting...how dare you search through his private stuff for 'evidence'. Poor bloke.
You should never have invaded his privacy. You have no right to 'confront' him about anything because you aren't in a position of trust.
You are worried about what your landlord may do in years to come, in future relationships that may or may or not happen??
I wish I could be so whimsical in my concerns!
If he makes mistakes and wrong choices then that's down to him, they're his mistakes to make, nothing whatsoever to do with you. You've behaved extremely badly and violated his privacy with no regard to him at all.
And about the invading his privacy bit that everyone is up in arms about I use his comp with his permission anyway as I sometimes leave my laptop a the office. On that particular occasion he wasn´t in, but the files were not exactly hidden.
And I know for a fact he snoops in my room eg. one day my laptop had been disconnected from the mains (which I never do) presumably so he could take it with him to use (thankfully its password protected
I started to him that it´s a little creepy but he doesn´t get the hint & he knows that i´m a very deep sleeper....so I hope he doesn´t come in & lift the covers as I sleep naked most of the time!!!!
It also sounds like you are dangling yourself "like a piece of (meat) bait" to get him to confide in you and "out" himself. If you are there to rent a room, then rent a room!!!, you suspected that he might be in the closet from the get- go but out of curiosity and sheer nosiness you set yourself up in his flat and start snooping about in his personal stuff to get clarification!!! (you are not his girlfriend/boyfriend/wife). God know what scandolousness you are spreading to the masses about him. You need to look a closely at your behaviour. I am not gay but I would be livid if I knew my tenant was trying to do what you're doing.
You are not his friend....no friend would behave the way you are doing. its rubbish that you accidently found the stuff on his computer...you admitted yourself you went snooping.
...friend or not...its none of your business.