I went through something similar a few years ago. From being one of my closest friends, we have gone from not speaking a word to each other in over three years, which is very difficult at times - practically as well as emotionally - as we still work in the same office.
In some ways I still miss his friendship, but at times when I do, I try to concentrate on the aspects of his personality I found less nice. Some of the stuff he did and said after we fell out made me feel awful and terribly small. I tell myself he was not deserving of my friendship and it makes managing the loss easier. Also delete phone numbers and any other forms of communicating with the individual concerned. As someone has said elsewhere in this thread, its very tempting to send abusive texts; e-mails or facebook messages et al. when you've had a drink. You need to rise above it and maintain your dignity.
This model, describes the various stages of grief and loss and may help you understand why you feel the way you do.
You've pretty much nailed it! I think this ex-friend is too proud to ever think he's done anything wrong and there's no desire on either side to resolve it. When he got back home after staying the weekend, he sent a text to say thanks for letting him come over. If there had been any sign of an apology at this point I might have considered patching things up, but I was so furious and never responded. That was the end of it. I'm glad I didn't respond tbh, but still it's frustrating I couldn't completely end it and tell him properly how much of a d**k he is, lol. I wrote a letter to this effect but never sent it in the end, but it did help to get all my thoughts down...
So it pretty much won't go anywhere from here, but this has been so helpful for taking steps to get over it.
I think you've made the right choice not to take it any further. I know someone who sounds a little like your friend, and there's no way he would ever admit to being in the wrong. As you say - too proud. He would probably turn whatever you said back on you, and try to make you feel guilty for saying it about him. He'd then justify his behaviour by convincing himself you were the horrible one, instead of him. He'd have someone else to blame, and absolve himself of any responsibility for what he's said to you. It would just create more frustration for you.
If you say nothing, there's a better chance he will realise how horrible he has been. If he tries to put things on track again with you, and you reject him, then you have still retained your dignity and not stooped to his level.
Many thanks for your responses. This has honestly helped a great deal, it's only been a couple of days but I already feel like I'm doing better in forgetting about him and the argument.
Agree too on the idea that it's best not to resort to abusive texts and to come down to his level.
I suppose the thing that leaves me confused still is why people feel a need to behave like this. Why do some people get such pleasure from making others feel small and putting them down in the process...? I'm sure psychologists would have studied such things...
DS honestly really helps sometimes - it can be hard opening up to people face to face about some of these issues, but having the opportunity to collect thoughts and put them across in a post is very productive and actually helps with the resolution too.
I can empathise. Although the person I fell out with was more a 'mum' to me than friend but, we fell out.
One of the things that burned me constantly was that I knew she had formed completely wrong ideas about me. Based on nothing really - it was like she had decided about my person - her history is 'A' so that means she is 'B'. She had a sense of self-importance and conceit that really got me.
That burned and burned and burned. I longed to have it out with her, wipe her preconceived ideas about me from her head, set her straight, tell HER a few home truths.
Sometimes it would keep me up if I was unfortunate enough to think of it near bedtime.
THAT is unhealthy, so while I was losing sleep - for months - she was none the wiser and living on in her bubble. I wrote it all down, everything - poured it out...and then burnt it. I was never going to have the opportunity to say anything to her and if I did she would probably just turn it around to 'fit' her idea of me anyway. So - in true airy fairy form...I sent it up to the cosmos. It helped.
Many thanks for your responses. This has honestly helped a great deal, it's only been a couple of days but I already feel like I'm doing better in forgetting about him and the argument.
Agree too on the idea that it's best not to resort to abusive texts and to come down to his level.
I suppose the thing that leaves me confused still is why people feel a need to behave like this. Why do some people get such pleasure from making others feel small and putting them down in the process...? I'm sure psychologists would have studied such things...
DS honestly really helps sometimes - it can be hard opening up to people face to face about some of these issues, but having the opportunity to collect thoughts and put them across in a post is very productive and actually helps with the resolution too.
Thanks again.
Some people are just idiots. Got a group of middle aged men in my office and it is quite clear that they have in jokes going on which are basically at the expense of people not in their gang. So they are doing the same thing, making people feel small. I actually feel sorry for them. To get to their age and to regress back to primary school behaviour isn't great. There is a top dog and they all look at him before they react, there is no spontaneity in their reactions, they take their cues from him whether to laugh or not. The worse thing is that people you thought were decent and had something about them, are joining in. If you are on the outside looking in, it is interesting to watch. If you are the butt of the joke, even if it is done in a nuanced way, it is infuriating and depressing. Some people just don't grow up. They were probably little expletive deleted at school and are now "grown up" versions, like your mate.
Delete his number so you are not tempted to send angry texts, particularly when drink has been taken!
I think you are grieving for the loss of the friendship but not the actual person. Time is the great healer. You both said stuff you shouldn't have but as you said he was cocky he does not sound a great loss. Move on. It has been proved that when you replay incidents (or anticipate and worry about stuff that may never happen) your body responds as if it was actually happening i.e. raised blood pressure etc. When you start thinking about him divert your thoughts elsewhere - if you cannot think of something else have a predetermined thought to think about, i.e mentally walk through the route to your High Street, something that diverts your thoughts for a while. Find something to do that fills the void that the friendship has left. If you are busy you don't think about stuff so much.
I think this is excellent advice, although I have block-texted just a couple of sentences. It may also be interesting to see how your ex-friend has treated other friends. In my case, I realised it was far more about them and how they handled friendships than about me. I'm able to look back at shared experiences and remember the good things about them, while blocking out who was there with me! It still baffles me how people in late middle age can act, as if still in a school playground.
I hope you will use this as an opportunity to take on new challenges as well as (possibly) new friendships. This is what I have done, as well as deepened and extended links with friends and family. Life is an adventure, and a good one. I hope it is for you too!
Comments
In some ways I still miss his friendship, but at times when I do, I try to concentrate on the aspects of his personality I found less nice. Some of the stuff he did and said after we fell out made me feel awful and terribly small. I tell myself he was not deserving of my friendship and it makes managing the loss easier. Also delete phone numbers and any other forms of communicating with the individual concerned. As someone has said elsewhere in this thread, its very tempting to send abusive texts; e-mails or facebook messages et al. when you've had a drink. You need to rise above it and maintain your dignity.
This model, describes the various stages of grief and loss and may help you understand why you feel the way you do.
I think you've made the right choice not to take it any further. I know someone who sounds a little like your friend, and there's no way he would ever admit to being in the wrong. As you say - too proud. He would probably turn whatever you said back on you, and try to make you feel guilty for saying it about him. He'd then justify his behaviour by convincing himself you were the horrible one, instead of him. He'd have someone else to blame, and absolve himself of any responsibility for what he's said to you. It would just create more frustration for you.
If you say nothing, there's a better chance he will realise how horrible he has been. If he tries to put things on track again with you, and you reject him, then you have still retained your dignity and not stooped to his level.
Many thanks for your responses. This has honestly helped a great deal, it's only been a couple of days but I already feel like I'm doing better in forgetting about him and the argument.
Agree too on the idea that it's best not to resort to abusive texts and to come down to his level.
I suppose the thing that leaves me confused still is why people feel a need to behave like this. Why do some people get such pleasure from making others feel small and putting them down in the process...? I'm sure psychologists would have studied such things...
DS honestly really helps sometimes - it can be hard opening up to people face to face about some of these issues, but having the opportunity to collect thoughts and put them across in a post is very productive and actually helps with the resolution too.
Thanks again.
One of the things that burned me constantly was that I knew she had formed completely wrong ideas about me. Based on nothing really - it was like she had decided about my person - her history is 'A' so that means she is 'B'. She had a sense of self-importance and conceit that really got me.
That burned and burned and burned. I longed to have it out with her, wipe her preconceived ideas about me from her head, set her straight, tell HER a few home truths.
Sometimes it would keep me up if I was unfortunate enough to think of it near bedtime.
THAT is unhealthy, so while I was losing sleep - for months - she was none the wiser and living on in her bubble. I wrote it all down, everything - poured it out...and then burnt it. I was never going to have the opportunity to say anything to her and if I did she would probably just turn it around to 'fit' her idea of me anyway. So - in true airy fairy form...I sent it up to the cosmos. It helped.
Some people are just idiots. Got a group of middle aged men in my office and it is quite clear that they have in jokes going on which are basically at the expense of people not in their gang. So they are doing the same thing, making people feel small. I actually feel sorry for them. To get to their age and to regress back to primary school behaviour isn't great. There is a top dog and they all look at him before they react, there is no spontaneity in their reactions, they take their cues from him whether to laugh or not. The worse thing is that people you thought were decent and had something about them, are joining in. If you are on the outside looking in, it is interesting to watch. If you are the butt of the joke, even if it is done in a nuanced way, it is infuriating and depressing. Some people just don't grow up. They were probably little expletive deleted at school and are now "grown up" versions, like your mate.
I think this is excellent advice, although I have block-texted just a couple of sentences. It may also be interesting to see how your ex-friend has treated other friends. In my case, I realised it was far more about them and how they handled friendships than about me. I'm able to look back at shared experiences and remember the good things about them, while blocking out who was there with me! It still baffles me how people in late middle age can act, as if still in a school playground.
I hope you will use this as an opportunity to take on new challenges as well as (possibly) new friendships. This is what I have done, as well as deepened and extended links with friends and family. Life is an adventure, and a good one. I hope it is for you too!