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Daughter jealous of new dog
Krispen Wah
Posts: 421 Forum Member
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While I appreciate anyone giving advice I prefer to hear from anyone who has been in this situation.
I have a fairly typical 11 year old daughter who stays with me at weekends and during some holidays. Obviously she's approaching that 'difficult' age but generally she's well-adjusted with a caring nature.
I'm getting a dog from a rescue centre soon and I took her over for them to meet the other day and whereas it start off well, after about half an hour she went really quite and defensive. I kept asking what was wrong and she said she was ok but I knew something was up. One of the rules of the centre was potential owners need a few visits with the dog to get acquainted so of course I was paying him a lot of attention but including her in it as well. On the way home I could hear her quietly sniffling and I knew she was crying - I figured she was worried I'd prefer the dog or that I wouldn't love her as much etc.
I was looking on her laptop the other day and in her search history was the line "girl gets left out when family gets dog".
I know she likes dogs and in the days leading up to the visit (and to the point when she started going quiet really) she was very enthusiastic about him. I told her he'd be part of the family and she'd be taking him for a walk, helping to train him etc and she seemed really on-board but after the way she reacted plus what she'd been searching on-line for it seem clear there may be some jealousy issues. When I was in a previous relationship there were children involved who saw me in a kind of 'dad' role and my daughter never had an issue with that, she was perfectly fine so I was surprised that what's happening now.
Like I said she's approaching her teens so her emotions could be playing a part in this but I was wondering if anyone else has experience of this and how it was dealt with.
I have a fairly typical 11 year old daughter who stays with me at weekends and during some holidays. Obviously she's approaching that 'difficult' age but generally she's well-adjusted with a caring nature.
I'm getting a dog from a rescue centre soon and I took her over for them to meet the other day and whereas it start off well, after about half an hour she went really quite and defensive. I kept asking what was wrong and she said she was ok but I knew something was up. One of the rules of the centre was potential owners need a few visits with the dog to get acquainted so of course I was paying him a lot of attention but including her in it as well. On the way home I could hear her quietly sniffling and I knew she was crying - I figured she was worried I'd prefer the dog or that I wouldn't love her as much etc.
I was looking on her laptop the other day and in her search history was the line "girl gets left out when family gets dog".
I know she likes dogs and in the days leading up to the visit (and to the point when she started going quiet really) she was very enthusiastic about him. I told her he'd be part of the family and she'd be taking him for a walk, helping to train him etc and she seemed really on-board but after the way she reacted plus what she'd been searching on-line for it seem clear there may be some jealousy issues. When I was in a previous relationship there were children involved who saw me in a kind of 'dad' role and my daughter never had an issue with that, she was perfectly fine so I was surprised that what's happening now.
Like I said she's approaching her teens so her emotions could be playing a part in this but I was wondering if anyone else has experience of this and how it was dealt with.
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Perhaps you could book in some events just for her and you so she has something to look forward to?
I know when we got our dog, the kids imagined a puppy akin to a soft toy, and what we got was a pup that liked to chew, with sharp puppy teeth that liked to chase feet. Their perceptions didn't match reality and to be fair, I'd not had a dog before (although Mr Python did) so it was an unknown. Now though we would not be without her and the dog and kids are great friends.
If all are not happy then there will be tension, and she will hate the dog.
You can't please everyone.
Reassure her that nothing will ever change between you two no matter what and it will work itself out.
Again this is why I prefer to hear from people who have experienced this. As a parent I am not prepared to take the risk that 'everything just works itself out'. Too much potential for things to not work themselves out so I want to do everything I can to ensure that doesn't happen.
Agree with the above.
Just don't make it such a big deal. Its only a dog. Don't overthink all this. Get the dog settled in and see what happens. Allow her to pick the bed or something if that will help her. An 11 year old girl should be excited about a dog not jealous. I have a girl the same age. It will be fine, she will love the dog. Storm in a teacup.
Dogs encourage adult responsibilities and the importance of routines.
Communication is the key to ease fears and worries.
This. Whether you want to hear it or not, or would prefer to hear otherwise. You're making it a big deal.
Also, the search phrase "girl gets left out when family gets dog" brings up pages about dog attacks and then pages about typical troubled teens. A few pages about dogs feeling left out creep in there but not the other way around. Not sure your daughter will have got the answer she wanted, either.
It isn't a case of 'whether I want to hear it or not', in situations such as these I prefer to hear the experiences of others rather than those hypothetical but well-intentioned.
I realise it isn't what you want to hear because I am not a parent with a young child who appears to be resenting the imminent arrival of a pet but I was a child with worries and insecurities once. And so were most of the people who've responded and whose comments you're disregarding because they are not what you want to read.
It's all very well waiting for people who have had exactly the same situation to deal with - and the subtext in your comments seems to be "and were exactly of the same mindset as you" but could any apparent inflexibility and lack of openness to other views be a contributory factor to your relationship with your child? Because her worries about the dog and being "left behind" don't really relate to your relationship with the dog but absolutely relate to her relationship with you - and possibly other adults in her life.
So you would rather an empty thread? (If no one has experience) Rather than some advice that may still help?
Not meant to sound sarcastic if it does
Introducing a new dog to a family isn't uncommon so I'm fairly certain others will have similar experiences which is why I posted here in the first place.
I'm not discounting everyone else's view, it's just for certain issues I tend to feel those who have been through it too would be a little more appropriate.
I appreciate what you say however I don't feel the direction of this thread should be about my relationship with her - I wouldn't even have considered getting a dog had there been anything to worry about. I've cultivated a homelife where she is always encouraged to talk to me about worries and concerns if she wants to. This is why I *knew* she was bothered about something despite doing her best to hide it.
As such I'm more looking at the subject of what other parents who have experienced this sort of thing did to handle the situation.
Fair enough. But speaking from experience the green eyed monster has paid me a lot of visits over the years. ;-)
Oh yeah, I'm pretty much convinced jealous plays a part in this. As mentioned above it's not a case of my asking what is behind it but how to subsequently deal with it the right way for both of us.
I stress I know my daughter well enough to say with absolute certainty that the jealousy/insecurity won't ever cause her to harm the new dog, just in case that's suggested.
Allow her to pick a bed, choose the lead and collar, help with planning walks and nice days out with the dog.
Seriously I can't see why she could still be jealous if she is included with everything. She is 11, I just think you are over thinking and worrying to much. Ce la vie.
Yes, I've already done that and she seems happy with the idea.
So, I would say trust your own judgement. It may be your daughter just doesn't like change, I don't know, but you are the best placed to know than us on here. If she says she's ok, it may be she doesn't want to upset you, it may even be she doesn't have the words to describe how she feels. She might not even know how she feels herself and is confused. I think all you can do is talk to her about it and see if you can figure it out between you.