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Dealing with regret.
I'm sorry, I've made a lot of threads in the advice forum due to issues with depression and anxiety and I am taking all advice on board, I promise.
It's just I've been dealing a lot with regret lately and finding it hard to deal with it.
I got home tutored , but did minimal work and ended up with no qualifications. I never thought I'd end up like those kids who didn't care about education. I really regret it now and wish I'd gone and also got into university. I know it's my own fault. I constantly imagine the past differently.
I have gained some since, but they've been level 2 qualifications. I'm trying to get into an access to higher education course, but I'm still left with anxiety that my life is ruined. These regrets are exacerbating my depression.
How do I try to get over these regrets and move on?
It's just I've been dealing a lot with regret lately and finding it hard to deal with it.
I got home tutored , but did minimal work and ended up with no qualifications. I never thought I'd end up like those kids who didn't care about education. I really regret it now and wish I'd gone and also got into university. I know it's my own fault. I constantly imagine the past differently.
I have gained some since, but they've been level 2 qualifications. I'm trying to get into an access to higher education course, but I'm still left with anxiety that my life is ruined. These regrets are exacerbating my depression.
How do I try to get over these regrets and move on?
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My only advice for dealing with regret, though, is that it's a waste of time really. You can't change the past, not much point in dwelling on it. Easier said than done, though, I know.
Thanks for the link, I've heard about the Open university and I'll look into it. It would really help me to gain more qualifications.
Yeah, it is a waste of time, it's ironic I've spent a lot of time imaging it turning differently. Partly, it's because I feel I could've gone on to university and done well in life and believe I've messed it up for myself. But, yes, it doesn't help in the long run.
I could fire off a load. Some to do with things which were down to me, others which were out of my control.
I think it is helpful to view your life in chapters. So yes X,Y,Z happened (or didn't happen) but that was a previous chapter. This is where I am now and this is where I start my new chapter!
Thinking of it another way, had you gone when you weren't interested in your education, you may have ended up not reaching your potential, dropping out, and even exacerbating any mental health problems along the way. Far from ruining your life, you're getting back into it when you are motivated, and most likely to do well. You also probably have a far better understanding of what you want out of it compared to most 18 year olds who go, and had you gone, you may have not had a second chance due to funding.
There's always positives and negatives, and from experience, your brain always manages to find the worst case sceanario. (I'm also at the point where I'm regretting the amount of time I spent regretting life). Maybe try and find a positive counter when you catch yourself thinking like that, like mentally remind yourself that it doesn't matter because the past is the past, and you can only work with what you have going forward. Maybe also find some kind of distraction, like you find yourself thinking about the past, instead force yourself think about something like what you're going to make for tea, or watch on telly, or do tomorrow.
Difficult but doable, and you will get there. Your already on your way by recognising it for what it is
The things that will ruin you though are negativity, self-pity and dwelling on the past.
Chihiro's point about regretting the time spent regretting stuff is a good one. In the case of so-called 'born worriers', they'll worry about everything, and even worry because for some reason things are going well, and they worry about why, and what's going to drop on them next.
I also like MrsGrumpy's point about splitting her life into chapters.
So, lots of good advice already, which spares you my blathering for once.
Again, those aspects are where counselling would help so please do mention this when the sessions start. I have been treated in a bad way by certain institutions and employers and one way to get round it is to think of the bad stuff as happening a thousand years ago, that it does not affect me now and that that stuff, being in the very distant black and white past, means that I am in control now, not the bad stuff and that my future is determined only by me from now on.
If you feel upset at any time, there's a relaxation exercise you can try out, the Gate Technique here: http://www.kinslowsystem.com/downloads.html
As I've mentioned before, try and see the positives in life because that way you notice all the opportunities that are around you waiting to be noticed: http://www.channel4.com/programmes/derren-brown-the-experiments/on-demand/47993-004
All the best,
It's easier if you know what you want to do. Then you can find out how to achieve it. Break it down into small steps, and gradually work your way towards the end goal. The feeling of making progress, however slowly, should alleviate your feelings of regret.
Mindfullness will help you
A large part of it for me was having huge chunks out of school - returning to find everybody had moved on and not being given the time and support I needed to catch up.
My maths education stopped in junior school and I never, ever went forward from there. I left school with a G grade - I think I got that by spelling my own name correctly.
I did go to Uni after a year out working and I did get a degree but, the maths issue used to bug me.
At the age of 36 I went to the local adult education center and did level 1 and 2 maths. I then went and did my GCSE and passed!! It was free up to GCSE as a drive to get everybody up to that level.
Don't get me wrong, I tore my hair out, cried and on several occasions, nearly divorced my husband when he was helping me with homework and had several nights where I did actually dream of algebra but, that feeling I got when I passed was like nothing else. Conquering a bit of the past, I guess.
It also helped to get me out of the house, focus on something other than my own navel and was more rewarding than I had hoped.
Try your local adult education center.
I do wish I'd had the education I wanted as I'm actually quite academic, but I am trying to return to education nonetheless. Tbh, these things have been ruining me really. But, I do recognise what you say, despite my depression trying to tell my I've ruined my life. Thank you and yeah, I'll probably bump a thread next time. I'll check the link out and the advice about it being a thousand years is something I'll try to remember. Yeah, I am quite lucky in the aspect I know what I want to do.
Through this, I'm trying to get a place on a college course. Yeah, I've been trying to fully embrace mindfulness, but can never keep to it. Well done for passin your exam. I have some similar issues.
I had the potiential to do really well at school and uni, but it was derailed by bullying and admittedly, me being lazy and not doing enough.
I did get to do a adult education course and got some level 2s. It may help me get a place in college I hope.
Thanks for all the replies.
What I ended up doing was taking my English, Maths and Science GCSEs as evening courses and then did a full time Access to HE course at 23. At 24 I went to university and I graduate this summer. It's easier said than done, but don't regret your past as it's pointless. The future is the only thing that matters and, thankfully, that's the part you are able to control! One of the best things about going into education later is you meet people in such similar situations to what you're describing. My degree course has many mature students on, from late 20s to late 50s and they all have different reasons for not going into further education earlier, from having a family really early on, to not getting grades in school, to just not having a clue what they wanted to do until later in life.
I know it seems very daunting where you are at right now, but just take it one step at a time and you'll get there. Good luck!
I'm sorry to hear that you go ill in your last couple of years of school.
I do feel a little bad as I wasn't unwell, I was just lazy when learning at home. I should have been better than that. Especially as I was quite an academic person as well.
I'm glad to hear that you did the access course (the course I hope to do) and got into university. Well done. Also, it's good to hear there's other adults learning as well .
I still have regrets, but this thread has put them into perspective a little. Thank you for your post.
Don't diminish that achievement, use it to spur you on!
If ever I met someone in real life who said to me looking me in the eye.."I've no regrets about anything"..or some such similar sentiment espoused ?
I would become exceptionally wary. It's absolutely the norm to grow up and make mistakes as you perceive them. It's a part of learning that has no upper age limit. What counts is the ability to recognise them, and where possible not to make the same mistakes again.
Bad decisions in life, do not necessarily equal bad people. In fact I would go so far as to espouse the opinion, that the best people you meet are those who've made the biggest mistakes..and learned from it.