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Is my mother ignorant?
Monster101
Posts: 2,923 Forum Member
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please tell me if i am being overly sensitive, but im a little upset by somthing my mum said to me today.
we were kind of having a jokey conversation and i said somthing like 'i might be dead by 50' she then said 'yeah if the rumours are true you will die from aids by then' i was sort of confused and perplexed and asked what she was talking about, she then said 'thats what THEY usually die from' she obviously meant gay people because she then went on to mention freddie mercury. i just changed the subject.
now to be fair to her, she been very ill for years so hasnt worked for a long time and therefore hasnt integrated with society properly, which may explain her ignorance.
i want advice on how to approach the subject again and explain how what she said is very offensive and plain wrong! or am i just being way too sensitive and just leave the subject alone?
we were kind of having a jokey conversation and i said somthing like 'i might be dead by 50' she then said 'yeah if the rumours are true you will die from aids by then' i was sort of confused and perplexed and asked what she was talking about, she then said 'thats what THEY usually die from' she obviously meant gay people because she then went on to mention freddie mercury. i just changed the subject.
now to be fair to her, she been very ill for years so hasnt worked for a long time and therefore hasnt integrated with society properly, which may explain her ignorance.
i want advice on how to approach the subject again and explain how what she said is very offensive and plain wrong! or am i just being way too sensitive and just leave the subject alone?
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I would just say to her that you were quite taken aback by her comment and would appreciate it if she gave your feelings a little more thought next time.
My Mum comes out with some shocking comments about all sorts that are totally way off and I sit her down and tell her about today´s generation and what is now acceptable in life. For example, a few years ago she told me she thought all single girls who go to the pub are slags looking for sex with men. When I said does this include me as I´ve always gone to the pub with my friends and am not going to get my leg over the first guy who looks in my direction, her answer was errrrr..... Í didn´t mean you!!?? Crazy woman!! So be tolerant and talk with her.
It was insensitive, unkind and a bit socially retarded (and you've explained why this could be).
If you do want to go back and talk to her about it then say ' you know when you said xyz, well can you explain what you meant by that as I found it a bit off to be honest'... then see what she says.
Before everybody tries to turn this thread into some kind of anti-bigotry rant, bear in mind that we're talking about a PARENT here.
All parents worry about their kids.
I'm in my 40s and my mum still moans about me riding motorbikes.
It's just what parents do.
Rather than being offended by her concerns I'd suggest the OP tell his mother that her comments struck a chord but that she shouldn't worry because he's well aware of the need for safe sexual practices regardless of sexuality.
Unless she knows you are having unprotected promiscuous sex, (which could be with either gender) then what she said was bigoted and out of order.
Surely you had up to now some idea on what her thoughts are regarding the subject.
nope, because she is from a previous generation which was homophobic. The only way is to educate them and in most cases they don't want to listen. What you going to do, can't teach an old dog new tricks.
I am assuming the 'rumor' is if OP is gay or not, I would clear that up with her first.
Those comments don't really suggest that she is worried to me; it's more like she has just accepted it as an inevitability if the OP is gay.
I don't buy that. My parents are from a previous generation and one of my cousins recently came out as gay. They aren't thrilled about it but would never ever refer to hos sexuality in such a derogatory way. It's a pathetic excuse to put it down to not teaching an old dog new tricks, it's ignorant people who don't want to open their mind. By the way OP, i'm not suggesting your mother is like this as we don't know enough about the situation to make those judgements.
The OP's Mum probably didnt think! She probably opened her mouth and said the first thing that came to mind. Especially if this is a topic that has been worrying her for a long time.
Maybe the OP could educate her, leave her some info on HIV, or just accept that his mother is the type of person that cant or wont learn new things, and either put up with things, or stay away.
I think OP that you should just be honest and say that she offended you with what she said, but you understand she may have worries, and maybe you could put her mind at rest and talk about it.
Best of luck.
Down the indivdual person, I base my experiance on my mum is pretty racist and I can't see her ever changing even after my sis got married to somebody outside of our culture.
That's because you clearly are of the view that her attitude is acceptable because of her age and/or culture, which only reinforces the idea (to her) that her views are acceptable. Rod for your own back and all that.
We're talking about his Mum here, not a dog to be taught tricks, or a child to be instructed. Assuming that the rest of their relationship is all right, it seems counter productive to me to start lecturing and hectoring her and accusing her of being homophobic - that doesn't work for many people. And there is something deeply unpleasant about a son turning Thought :Police and haranguing his invalid Mum. That could involve the rest of the family who will not tolerate her being treated like that - the OP could find himself very isolated from the whole family.
You're right, however, about the OP making a clear statement about being gay. It is perfectly possible that the
woman has guessed and is silently fretting and worrying about her son and a fear for him has slipped out .
In the end, what it all comes down to is how much love is there in this relationship? Only the OP knows how close he is to his mother. If the relationship is strong, it will survive this. Once she knows for certain what the position is, they will be able to talk and clear the air.
Believe me when I say I definately do not think her attitude is acceptable. I have told her many times about it and ended in many fights. Now she has a few years left and I prefer not fight ever time I see her.
See my reply above, what I am saying is that first talking to her about it may fall on deaf ears and second only OP can decide if its something worth fighting over.
What's ARV's?
Anti Retro Virals.
It's sad when relationships get like that.
I have an ideological disagreement with my father that I doubt I'll ever be able to talk to him about before he dies.
So, some HIV+ people don't even need treatment? Excuse MY ignorance.
I suspect the poster meant they don't need ARV's but would still need other medication that has taken over from ARV's.