i can't believe the amount of people saying she should end it over a few childish outburts....
From the OP:
and his response was extreme anger, shouting, interrupting me, calling me names, saying I couldn't be bothered to let him know and was just sitting on my 'fat arse'
This isn't the first time he's gone off into one over something that seems very minor
He seems to just sit and stew for hours and convince himself that I have some kind of hidden agenda
Everything I said just sent him into a bigger rage.
It doesn't sound like "a few childish outbursts" to me; it sounds like someone with anger and trust issues. I stand by why I said - the relationship sounds unhealthy.
It doesn't sound like "a few childish outbursts" to me; it sounds like someone with anger and trust issues. I stand by why I said - the relationship sounds unhealthy.
People have heated arguments, and a healthy relationship can accommodate this.
People have heated arguments, and a healthy relationship can accommodate this.
But quarrels should not descend into verbal abuse nor prolonged sulking nor whining about being disrespecrted over the ending of a tv show. None of this is healthy.
Think of this. Can the OP ever sit and enjoy a programme again in case his lordship acts up about it?
What about the other things which rritate him?
Is she walking on egshells in her own home yet?
Because that is where this is heading. And that is a wretched life.
This is not a healthy relationship and can only be damaging to the op who will end up altering her behaviour to suit an overgrown and rather bullying toddler man.
There are better men out there.
But quarrels should not descend into verbal abuse nor prolonged sulking nor whining about being disrespecrted over the ending of a tv show. None of this is healthy.
Think of this. Can the OP ever sit and enjoy a programme again in case his lordship acts up about it?
What about the other things which rritate him?
Is she walking on egshells in her own home yet?
Because that is where this is heading. And that is a wretched life.
This is not a healthy relationship and can only be damaging to the op who will end up altering her behaviour to suit an overgrown and rather bullying toddler man.
There are better men out there.
The o/p has said she/he does not feel intimidated by the partner, does not want to leave him, can give as good as she gets and wants to make a go of it and not run away from problems. That doesn't sound like someone who is desperately unhappy with their partner. They're both under a lot of stress, and the partner has a chronic illness which affects his mood.
Blimey, couples have absolutely blazing rows sometimes - heard my neighbours at it a while back while I was sitting in my garden, and they've been married for about 40 years. People can row a lot and still stick together. That's why they have "for better, for worse" in the marriage vows (or used to).
The o/p has said she/he does not feel intimidated by the partner, does not want to leave him, can give as good as she gets and wants to make a go of it and not run away from problems. That doesn't sound like someone who is desperately unhappy with their partner.
QUOTE]
sure - she's so happy that she posts for advice on here.
The o/p has said she/he does not feel intimidated by the partner, does not want to leave him, can give as good as she gets and wants to make a go of it and not run away from problems. That doesn't sound like someone who is desperately unhappy with their partner.
QUOTE]
sure - she's so happy that she posts for advice on here.So happy that she thinks his appalling behaviour may be her fault. That's a warning sign.
The o/p has said she/he does not feel intimidated by the partner, does not want to leave him, can give as good as she gets and wants to make a go of it and not run away from problems. That doesn't sound like someone who is desperately unhappy with their partner.
QUOTE]
sure - she's so happy that she posts for advice on here.So happy that she thinks his appalling behaviour may be her fault. That's a warning sign.
The poster's question was 'Is this an overreaction or am I at fault?' At no point did they ask for advice on whether or not they should leave their partner, and I think it's inappropriate to suggest it, based on what has been written here. Just my opinion, obviously.
The poster's question was 'Is this an overreaction or am I at fault?' At no point did they ask for advice on whether or not they should leave their partner, and I think it's inappropriate to suggest it, based on what has been written here. Just my opinion, obviously.
Thanks, yes that was my question and I have to confess I'm rather surprised at the number of people saying 'get out of the relationship'!
Thanks, yes that was my question and I have to confess I'm rather surprised at the number of people saying 'get out of the relationship'!
Hi, its not that surprising really as a lot of people on this forum, particularly women who have been in and endured an abusive relationship recognise, rightly or wrongly, many of the signs of abuse.
However only the person in a relationship can decide a) if it is abusive or becoming abusive, and b) make the decision to leave. It does not actually sound a lot of fun tho.
Best of luck.
What a bizarre thread. The OPs partner definitely has a problem about something. To stay sulking in another room until 7am for this sort of reason is beyond childish. Why didn't he go to bed, watch the programme with you, go for a walk, read a book, etc. ????
I'm intrigued by the fact that you live in such a big house neither of you can call out to the other or notice when one person has gone to bed.
Do you know how to break a human being mentally? its actually simple, you constantly have them feeling under threat. Doesn't have to be physical, in fact that's less effective. Constant criticism, never doing anything right, and always being in the wrong without clear indications as to why. If this is kept up over a period of time, the victim will end up becoming a total subservient slave to the abusers perverted sense of what is "right". I would say this is you, and your partners constant game playing is putting you into a state of distress, how can you do anything if you are always wondering if it will upset them or rock the boat, and what punishment will you have to endure, long silences, never allowed to relax, always being told you are in the wrong.
Just leave and move on, some 7 billion humans on earth, you should be fine finding one more suited to you and not such a pillock.
He doesn't work, for health reasons. I think part of the problem is that we spend all day every day together -I've tried encouraging him to find interests (he's very intelligent and highly educated and I think he needs more to occupy his brain) but he just says 'you're all I need' .
You need to get out.
This has all the hallmarks of an emotionally abusive relationship, it won't get better, it will just get worse...
Another thing - there's a lot of judgement of peeps on benefits here & I say this genuinely with no judgement -
If you can "do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, ironing and pet care" and an OU degree, then you could be working.
If you were working you'd be more independent & have less time for a relationship with an angry, controlling, narcissistic baby who needs a mum/housekeeper/slave to run around him & take a kicking when he fancies.
You got prospects as they say in Sarf Lunnon, he got none. I can see what's in this for him, but not for you.
What a bizarre thread. The OPs partner definitely has a problem about something. To stay sulking in another room until 7am for this sort of reason is beyond childish. Why didn't he go to bed, watch the programme with you, go for a walk, read a book, etc. ????
I'm intrigued by the fact that you live in such a big house neither of you can call out to the other or notice when one person has gone to bed.
I don't know why he didn't do any of the things you suggest above - in fact, he may well have done. I don't know what he was doing because I went to bed - after going in to say goodnight & giving him a kiss, as mentioned in earlier posts. So I think it's safe to say that he noticed that I'd gone to bed
I don't feel it's an abusive relationship, neither do I feel it's in danger of becoming so. I do appreciate the concern that some of you have shown but honestly, I think that I know my relationship and my partner, and talking about things and communication is key. I originally posted because I felt he had overreacted and wanted to know what others thought, but the issue has been resolved now and I'm reassured that it won't happen again.
I won't respond to comments about why he and/or I are on benefits, nor whether we could/should work; I haven't divulged the reasons here and am not going to (other than mentioning that he is diabetic, which incidentally isn't the reason he's claiming benefits). Both our situations are complicated, and really nobody's business but ours and DWP's .
I don't know why he didn't do any of the things you suggest above - in fact, he may well have done. I don't know what he was doing because I went to bed - after going in to say goodnight & giving him a kiss, as mentioned in earlier posts. So I think it's safe to say that he noticed that I'd gone to bed
I don't feel it's an abusive relationship, neither do I feel it's in danger of becoming so. I do appreciate the concern that some of you have shown but honestly, I think that I know my relationship and my partner, and talking about things and communication is key. I originally posted because I felt he had overreacted and wanted to know what others thought, but the issue has been resolved now and I'm reassured that it won't happen again.
I won't respond to comments about why he and/or I are on benefits, nor whether we could/should work; I haven't divulged the reasons here and am not going to (other than mentioning that he is diabetic, which incidentally isn't the reason he's claiming benefits). Both our situations are complicated, and really nobody's business but ours and DWP's .
It will happen again repeatedly and frequently.
You may not think it's an abusive relationship, that's what a lot of women EA relationships think. They think it's their fault, that they are 'over-reacting' or 'over-sensitive', that if they walk on eggshells & try not to 'provoke' their partner, things will be ok. But they won't.
Just to be clear about the benefits issue: I'm not saying you should work, just that given the amount you do, perhaps you could work, which might empower you & give you independence.
None of your life is anyone's business, but you posted it on a public forum asking for feedback, so people have given it.
definitely an over reaction. And forgive me, he sounds like a truly unpleasant and somewhat intimidating man. You have your hands full there if you love this guy, so you have my sympathy.
Incredible, isn't it? Whatever happened to supporting each other through difficult times?
It wasn't as simple as a childish outburst was it? I think there are types of people that just would not accept this type of behaviour ever. However, no one knows this man like the OP does. She needs to do whats best for her.
IMO it sounds like it was about more than her simply watching a programme and not letting him know when it finished. This is obviously been building up. Its one thing taking your mood out on those closest to you, but he is actually still blaming the OP for not being considerate (or a mindreader).
Could he be drinking ?
There are people who get all stroppy after a few drinks.
Or maybe he's had a disappointment that he's trying to hide.
Some bad news about money or a rejection letter of some sort so he's taking it out on you without realising it.
Comments
It doesn't sound like "a few childish outbursts" to me; it sounds like someone with anger and trust issues. I stand by why I said - the relationship sounds unhealthy.
People have heated arguments, and a healthy relationship can accommodate this.
But quarrels should not descend into verbal abuse nor prolonged sulking nor whining about being disrespecrted over the ending of a tv show. None of this is healthy.
Think of this. Can the OP ever sit and enjoy a programme again in case his lordship acts up about it?
What about the other things which rritate him?
Is she walking on egshells in her own home yet?
Because that is where this is heading. And that is a wretched life.
This is not a healthy relationship and can only be damaging to the op who will end up altering her behaviour to suit an overgrown and rather bullying toddler man.
There are better men out there.
The o/p has said she/he does not feel intimidated by the partner, does not want to leave him, can give as good as she gets and wants to make a go of it and not run away from problems. That doesn't sound like someone who is desperately unhappy with their partner. They're both under a lot of stress, and the partner has a chronic illness which affects his mood.
Blimey, couples have absolutely blazing rows sometimes - heard my neighbours at it a while back while I was sitting in my garden, and they've been married for about 40 years. People can row a lot and still stick together. That's why they have "for better, for worse" in the marriage vows (or used to).
I'm intrigued by the fact that you live in such a big house neither of you can call out to the other or notice when one person has gone to bed.
Just leave and move on, some 7 billion humans on earth, you should be fine finding one more suited to you and not such a pillock.
This has all the hallmarks of an emotionally abusive relationship, it won't get better, it will just get worse...
If you can "do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, ironing and pet care" and an OU degree, then you could be working.
If you were working you'd be more independent & have less time for a relationship with an angry, controlling, narcissistic baby who needs a mum/housekeeper/slave to run around him & take a kicking when he fancies.
You got prospects as they say in Sarf Lunnon, he got none. I can see what's in this for him, but not for you.
I don't know why he didn't do any of the things you suggest above - in fact, he may well have done. I don't know what he was doing because I went to bed - after going in to say goodnight & giving him a kiss, as mentioned in earlier posts. So I think it's safe to say that he noticed that I'd gone to bed
I don't feel it's an abusive relationship, neither do I feel it's in danger of becoming so. I do appreciate the concern that some of you have shown but honestly, I think that I know my relationship and my partner, and talking about things and communication is key. I originally posted because I felt he had overreacted and wanted to know what others thought, but the issue has been resolved now and I'm reassured that it won't happen again.
I won't respond to comments about why he and/or I are on benefits, nor whether we could/should work; I haven't divulged the reasons here and am not going to (other than mentioning that he is diabetic, which incidentally isn't the reason he's claiming benefits). Both our situations are complicated, and really nobody's business but ours and DWP's .
You may not think it's an abusive relationship, that's what a lot of women EA relationships think. They think it's their fault, that they are 'over-reacting' or 'over-sensitive', that if they walk on eggshells & try not to 'provoke' their partner, things will be ok. But they won't.
You need to get this book: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. It will help you identify what is going on.
Just to be clear about the benefits issue: I'm not saying you should work, just that given the amount you do, perhaps you could work, which might empower you & give you independence.
None of your life is anyone's business, but you posted it on a public forum asking for feedback, so people have given it.
It wasn't as simple as a childish outburst was it? I think there are types of people that just would not accept this type of behaviour ever. However, no one knows this man like the OP does. She needs to do whats best for her.
IMO it sounds like it was about more than her simply watching a programme and not letting him know when it finished. This is obviously been building up. Its one thing taking your mood out on those closest to you, but he is actually still blaming the OP for not being considerate (or a mindreader).
There are people who get all stroppy after a few drinks.
Or maybe he's had a disappointment that he's trying to hide.
Some bad news about money or a rejection letter of some sort so he's taking it out on you without realising it.