Would it be possible to set up a device so that you could film or record what happens during these episodes? It might help with a diagnosis if the doctor can witness what happens. Obviously you won't want to point a camera at someone who is threatening you but maybe a discretely placed webcam or phone would work?
Women's Aid can give you support and advice on this. Just google Women's Aid. Remember, much as you care about your husband you are in a very dangerous situation and you must put your own safety first.
You have had some great caring advice on here. Please keep us posted and stay safe. There is always going to be someone looking if you need to post late at night when you are scared or uncomfortable. Best wishes to you and your OH. Xx
Thanks for taking the time to update us Moll. I know this is still a vulnerable time, but pleased your husband has respected and understood the actions you've taken and those you might need to in the future. Best wishes to you both. x
Thanks everyone, so much, once again, for your so very caring and helpful responses.
I'm glad to report that although I am writing this late at night, this time it's because my husband and I have been up late watching a couple of good films together. Touch wood, he hasn't had one of his funny episodes today. And he has agreed to a measure which will make me feel safer and more relaxed in the night: I'm getting him to take a sleeping pill (the GP has OK'd it), as I feel the more deeply asleep he is, the less likely he'll be to wake up and hurt me. It just makes me feel happier.
I shall definitely keep you posted and what transpires. Thanks again and God bless all of you.
So sorry for all you are going through Moll and your husband too. It must be terrible for both of you. I hope that you are now in bed and settling down for a peaceful night's sleep. I will say a prayer for both of you. God Bless.
hi moll,
I'm so sorry for what you are going through, I cant imagine how scared you must be. I was going to suggest a lock on the door but to be honest hun if you're going to push this (which you definitely should) I would get out now because the added stress of outside intervention could push him over the edge.
I've no idea on diagnosis but you need to get out of there now. Even if this isnt his fault and is mental illness imagine how awful he would feel in his moments of lucidity if he actually hurt you. you can leave and still help him from arms length.
I wish you all the luck in the world. if you get the chance please post daily cos I for one am going to worry about you otherwise.
hi moll,
I'm so sorry for what you are going through, I cant imagine how scared you must be. I was going to suggest a lock on the door but to be honest hun if you're going to push this (which you definitely should) I would get out now because the added stress of outside intervention could push him over the edge.
I've no idea on diagnosis but you need to get out of there now. Even if this isnt his fault and is mental illness imagine how awful he would feel in his moments of lucidity if he actually hurt you. you can leave and still help him from arms length.
I wish you all the luck in the world. if you get the chance please post daily cos I for one am going to worry about you otherwise.
take care hun xxx
I appreciate your kind advice, Butterfly, but I'm not planning to leave right now. The main reason - and please everyone, don't shoot me down and tell me how stupid this reason is - is my cat. My cat is everything to me. I simply adore him. Since I've been ill, nothing has comforted me more than to pick him up and cuddle him for hours at a time. There is a really strong bong between us, and I really can't bear the thought of being parted from him, as I would miss him so much, and know he would miss me too. I know people who aren't as batty about their pets as I am must think this is utterly stupid of me, but there are three people in my life who really, really matter to me: my husband, my mum - and the cat.
If I went to live temporarily with my mum, I couldn't take the cat, as she has a genuine phobia of them, unfortunately.
Having said that, I do plan to go and see her in the very near future - maybe next week for a few days, or a week - not because of this thing going on with my husband, but because I've been wanting to go ever since I was in hospital three months ago. I think it might do my husband and me good to be apart for a few days. And just in case anyone is wondering, I know he would never hurt the cat. He might hurt me, but not him.
Actually, what I would prefer to do, if it were to come to it, would be not to leave myself, but to get my husband to leave. We live in Brighton, and there are hundreds of B&Bs here, where he could go to spend the night. I know he wouldn't be keen to do this, but I have been thinking about what I could say to convince him to do it, and reckon I could get him to agree to it if I really felt it were necessary. I don't want to leave my home - not unless 100% essential - but feel it would be the perfect compromise if I could get my husband to leave. I would still see him during the day, but would make him sleep elsewhere at night.
BTW, my mum's husband, my step-father, is a retired doctor, and I have been talking to him in-depth about my husband. He feels strongly that he might have epilepsy (as a couple of people have suggested on here) so I'm going to take my husband back to the GP ASAP and discuss that possibility. You know the thing that has made my husband agree to that? - well, he really, really loves his car. He's passionate about cars. And I've told him that if he's epileptic, and doesn't have it controlled with medication, he might not be allowed to drive. That has put the fear of God into him, so he has agreed to get checked out for epilepsy, if only to avoid a driving ban.
You are all so incredibly nice and I'm so glad I posted. But I am glad to report that the present situation = as good as it could be, under the circumstances. I think you all realise this already, but my husband is just as much a victim in this as I am. He is a really good person - kind, thoughtful, non-violent (normally) and until this started, nobody in the world made me feel safer. He has always been very protective of me. And now he knows he has a problem and is keen to protect me from himself. So the portents are as good as they could be.
Thanks for the reply Moll. Good to hear things are as good as they can be but hopefully things will progress so that he gets good help. I hugely sympathise with you obviously, it's a terrifying time for you and not being well doesn't help at all, but I also do sympathise with your husband because it must be terrifying for him having these episodes. If it is schizophrenia I really feel for you both, it's such a misunderstood illness. My mum's neighbour has it and has had it for many years now but it's more that he hears voices telling him to kill himself rather than others, and the medication he takes helps sort him out, he hasn't had an episode in a very long time.
Scary times but I'm glad to see you have a good clear head to keep it managed and under control. Here's hoping it all gets better soon x
Moll, thanks for your updates, and I am very glad that things are progressing and that, on the whole, you sound like you are coping extremely well with such a difficult situation.
One thing I want to say, and I am sincerely not saying this to add to your worries, but regarding your cat: firstly, I can absolutely understand why you get so much comfort from an animal. I am an animal lover myself (dogs being my pet of choice ;-) ) and I totally get the place they have in your heart.
BUT and this is what I wanted to get across, you say that your husband would never hurt your cat. You, but not the cat. That implies a certain amount of conscious choice involved in whatever is going on with him, and from what you have posted so far there doesn't seem to be any indication of conscious choice at all (indeed, if there where any indication of that, I would have to say that you are potentially in greater danger than previously expressed). Bottom line is this; if there is no conscious choice regarding his actions, your cat could be at risk.
Sorry, but I thought I should point this possibility out to you.
If his speech has been sluring at the same time as his personality change, he really needs to see a Doctor ASAP and get a brain scan booked. Slurred speech is often the first sign of a stroke, especially if there's a personality change at the same time.
Just checking in to say 'hi', Moll. No 'words of wisdom' at the moment- just thinking of you. I'm a dopey animal lover too. I dog, 1 cat and 6 guinea pigs. Thankfully, the boyfriend is too (He also has a little Westie!)
I have to say Moll, I agree with jas' post completely. From what you've posted, your husband is suffering from periods of disassociation (whether that be because of mental or physical illness) and is not in control of his actions, nor can he remember them when he is back to being 'himself.' Since he is not in control of his actions, it's entirely possible that he could harm your cat, or another human being aside from you. Moll, you've said you think he could harm you, but not your cat, but that implies that he actively and consciously wants to harm you and is directing his behaviour entirely towards you. Which would imply that his behaviour is within his control. From what you've said, it doesn't seem that way (although we can only base our judgement on what you've said) and therefore your husband poses a risk to anyone whom he may come into contact with during one of his episodes (whether that be another human being or an animal.)
You seem incredibly articulate, intelligent and caring, Moll. And you've already taken some very important steps. But please remember this: If your husband kills you during one of his episodes, then you'll be permanently separated from your cat, your Mother, your Husband, and everyone else who you love. Not to mention the fact that your husband will most likely spend the rest of his life in prison.
I really would advise you and your husband to be apart (unless in a safe place with other people around) until you know why he is acting this way, and until he is getting the right treatment for whatever is causing him to act this way. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, because it's clear that you've had a very good relationship and that this is beyond your husband's control, so I really hope I'm not coming across as criticising your husband (or you for that matter.) I just really don't think you're safe being around him at the minute, because at any moment he could have an episode and next time you may not be so lucky and may not be able to fight him off.
I do understand your dilemma, and it must be awful for you to know that your husband would never intentionally hurt you, and that it's not his fault he is behaving this way. But you really need to be practical about this and look at the facts. And unfortunately, the fact is, you can't guarantee 100% that your husband won't end up killing or severely injuring you. So you really need to take steps to make sure that doesn't happen. And the only way you can do that is by either leaving yourself, or by your husband leaving (just until he has been diagnosed and is receiving treatment, and until you can guarantee your own safety.)
It does seem strange to me that your husband hasn't already offered to leave of his own free will. If I was in his situation, and my wife told me I was frequently threatening to kill her/ had held her throat while she was asleep, and I had no memory of it, then to be honest my first response would be to pack my bags and make sure I was far away from her until my doctor could give me treatment and I was getting better. I would never stay living with my wife if there was even a small chance that I could hurt her (even if it was when I was 'out of my mind' and it was unintentional.) So maybe you need to, as other posters have suggested, film him when he's behaving in a threatening way, so he can watch it back and fully realise just how serious this situation is.
I must admit, I also find it strange that your husband seems more willing to seek help from the GP because he's worried that he may have epilepsy and will no longer be able to drive, than the fact that he's been threatening to kill you and that you're so scared he might that you felt the need to sleep with a knife beside you for protection.
Surely the main motivation for him seeking help should be because he's terrified that he would end up killing you, not that he may not be able to drive again? (Once again, I hope this doesn't come across as critical. I'm just genuinely concerned for your safety, and right now in the situation you're in, you are most definitely not safe. I hope you don't take my advice the wrong way.)
I guess all I can really say after all that rambling (which I hope was coherent and gave you a few things to think about) is please try to arrange a way for you to not be residing in the same house as your husband. You really can't be sure when his next episode will be, or whether you'll still be alive after it.
Please get out while you still can. You're not betraying your husband, or blaming him for the circumstances. You're simply making sure that you don't end up dead and that your husband doesn't end up in prison.
I wish you well, Moll. Please keep us all updated x
If his speech has been sluring at the same time as his personality change, he really needs to see a Doctor ASAP and get a brain scan booked. Slurred speech is often the first sign of a stroke, especially if there's a personality change at the same time.
I'd agree with this.
It's funny really, from reading this thread everyone seems convinced it's Schizophrenia, but it sounds nothing like any schizophrenia I've ever heard of.
Schizophrenic people don't usually experience (very sudden) memory loss, slurred speech, eye-lids drooping etc
Even the very menacing behaviour is.. untypical.. of schizophrenia (although granted not impossible) - that would be more closely related to D.I.D, personality disorders or neurological damage.
The behaviour of schizophrenic people can be baffling and complex but it's very rare (if not impossible) it manifests itself in such a Jekyll & Hyde split personality way. Schizophrenia just isn't 'multiple-personalities' as is often erroneously described by laypersons.
He needs to see a lot of doctors, very quickly either way.
Moll, thanks for your updates, and I am very glad that things are progressing and that, on the whole, you sound like you are coping extremely well with such a difficult situation.
One thing I want to say, and I am sincerely not saying this to add to your worries, but regarding your cat: firstly, I can absolutely understand why you get so much comfort from an animal. I am an animal lover myself (dogs being my pet of choice ;-) ) and I totally get the place they have in your heart.
I agree with this,
I also understand re. your cat, my lovely little cat (RIP) and I had such a bond as well. They really are good at calming and de-stressing! To me, it's not batty at all, it's completely understandable
Moll I just wanted to say my heart deeply goes out to you, as someone who's dealt with this in family members, (but that was decades ago). You've had great advice on here, and I join all the others in being with you, (and your poor husband), in spirit.
I just want to add my tuppence-worth as well, not with advice (because you've had loads of good stuff) but just with empathy. It's agonising to see a much-loved one like this, and it's equally agonising to try to deal with it so that you don't come to harm. Like Dolls, I've been through it too, but not in the same way as you. My son just got terrible anger issues, then went into psychosis and stayed that way for a few years. He's fine now, but at his worst I got locks fitted on my (and his brother's) bedroom doors, because even though I knew he wouldn't harm either of us - I just knew it in my heart - I'd be stupid not to take precautions due to the fact that I simply didn't know enough about the illness. It's an awful see-saw of emotions - you absolutely know he won't, but what if he does? Terrible, it is, and I wouldn't wish any of it on my worst enemy.
As others have said, please do keep posting, even if it's only to say hi. There are quite a few of us now who are watching.
Your GP is incompetent. There are clear signs here of a neurological problem, and until you know the nature of it, you and your husband are not safe. Go to A and E and tell them exactly what you've said here. Tell them you want to know if he's had a stroke. I think it's more likely to be epilepsy, but they should rule out stroke first. You sound like someone who doesn't want to make a fuss and will wait for the GP's referral while he indulges himself over a period of weeks running whatever tests he fancies to diagnose a condition that he's not a specialist in. In the same way that you're sick with heart failure, your husband is sick too. He's not able to make these decisions for himself. Get someone else to help if you need to, but get him to A and E, because this situation is dangerous.
I have to say Moll, I agree with jas' post completely. From what you've posted, your husband is suffering from periods of disassociation (whether that be because of mental or physical illness) and is not in control of his actions, nor can he remember them when he is back to being 'himself.' Since he is not in control of his actions, it's entirely possible that he could harm your cat, or another human being aside from you. Moll, you've said you think he could harm you, but not your cat, but that implies that he actively and consciously wants to harm you and is directing his behaviour entirely towards you. Which would imply that his behaviour is within his control. From what you've said, it doesn't seem that way (although we can only base our judgement on what you've said) and therefore your husband poses a risk to anyone whom he may come into contact with during one of his episodes (whether that be another human being or an animal.)
You seem incredibly articulate, intelligent and caring, Moll. And you've already taken some very important steps. But please remember this: If your husband kills you during one of his episodes, then you'll be permanently separated from your cat, your Mother, your Husband, and everyone else who you love. Not to mention the fact that your husband will most likely spend the rest of his life in prison.
I really would advise you and your husband to be apart (unless in a safe place with other people around) until you know why he is acting this way, and until he is getting the right treatment for whatever is causing him to act this way. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, because it's clear that you've had a very good relationship and that this is beyond your husband's control, so I really hope I'm not coming across as criticising your husband (or you for that matter.) I just really don't think you're safe being around him at the minute, because at any moment he could have an episode and next time you may not be so lucky and may not be able to fight him off.
I do understand your dilemma, and it must be awful for you to know that your husband would never intentionally hurt you, and that it's not his fault he is behaving this way. But you really need to be practical about this and look at the facts. And unfortunately, the fact is, you can't guarantee 100% that your husband won't end up killing or severely injuring you. So you really need to take steps to make sure that doesn't happen. And the only way you can do that is by either leaving yourself, or by your husband leaving (just until he has been diagnosed and is receiving treatment, and until you can guarantee your own safety.)
It does seem strange to me that your husband hasn't already offered to leave of his own free will. If I was in his situation, and my wife told me I was frequently threatening to kill her/ had held her throat while she was asleep, and I had no memory of it, then to be honest my first response would be to pack my bags and make sure I was far away from her until my doctor could give me treatment and I was getting better. I would never stay living with my wife if there was even a small chance that I could hurt her (even if it was when I was 'out of my mind' and it was unintentional.) So maybe you need to, as other posters have suggested, film him when he's behaving in a threatening way, so he can watch it back and fully realise just how serious this situation is.
I must admit, I also find it strange that your husband seems more willing to seek help from the GP because he's worried that he may have epilepsy and will no longer be able to drive, than the fact that he's been threatening to kill you and that you're so scared he might that you felt the need to sleep with a knife beside you for protection.
Surely the main motivation for him seeking help should be because he's terrified that he would end up killing you, not that he may not be able to drive again? (Once again, I hope this doesn't come across as critical. I'm just genuinely concerned for your safety, and right now in the situation you're in, you are most definitely not safe. I hope you don't take my advice the wrong way.)
I guess all I can really say after all that rambling (which I hope was coherent and gave you a few things to think about) is please try to arrange a way for you to not be residing in the same house as your husband. You really can't be sure when his next episode will be, or whether you'll still be alive after it.
Please get out while you still can. You're not betraying your husband, or blaming him for the circumstances. You're simply making sure that you don't end up dead and that your husband doesn't end up in prison.
I wish you well, Moll. Please keep us all updated x
First of all, even if you don't read this post of mine, please read the second one in just a minute, which I will post separately - you simply will not believe it!!! (and not in a good way, unfortunately.....)
But first - my cat. Ruined Girl, you're not the only person who's expressed concern for my cat, and I do appreciate the concern; I don't mind anyone saying that my cat might be at risk at all - what I would mind would be if anyone said "so what, it's just a cat!" Fortunately no-one has said that and you seem to understand that my cat's well-being is important, with which I heartily agree,.
However, I am as sure as I can be that my husband wouldn't hurt the cat. I'll try to explain my reasoning. Yes, I have said that when he has a funny turn he does not seem to be in control of himself. And I still basically mean that. However, I've been giving it a lot of thought. Whatever is wrong with him, I believe it was triggered off by my illness three months ago - Heart Failure. And - I hope this doesn't sound like lots of psychobabble drivel - I think my husband has a lot of suppressed rage about my illness. Because he loves me, I think he is furious that his beloved wife has this awful medical condition - in fact, I know that's how he feels, because, in his normal, lucid condition, he's told me so - and I think that fury is possibly manifesting itself against me because I am the reminder of what's wrong with me. Does that make sense? Does anyone understand what I'm saying? (Or does it sound like ridiculous rubbish?!) I DO think his behaviour is coming from his subconcious, and I think my illness might have triggered off either a mental or neurological condition in him, but I also think he might feel enraged towards me, because I have this illness, and he can't bear it.
The cat, however, holds no such emotional baggage for him. The cat is not ill. He is in great health. He is a happy, contented, healthy, straightforward creature. He brings both of us nothing but unadulterated love and pleasure. Not only has he brought me great comfort since I've been ill, but he's also bringing my husband comfort at the moment. My husband is spending more time than usual - both in his normal state and his abnormal states - cuddling the cat and telling him how much he loves him. The cat has never, either directly or indirectly, given him reason to feel any complicated emotions. They simply love each other. And I am therefore as certain as it's possible to be that the cat will be OK.
However.................of course, if I'm wrong about this, I will do everything in my power to protect my cat. If I DID get any kind of inkling whatsoever that my cat were at risk from my husband, I would get him (the cat) to a safe place - take him to a cattery until this is all sorted out and over with, or get a neighbour to take him in and keep him inside (I'd have to think up some excuse, such as having a relative with a cat allergy coming to stay with us). This cat means so much to me. I would rather be hurt myself than be responsible for his death, or any harm to him.
I absolutely promise you all I will not let the cat get hurt.
Your GP is incompetent. There are clear signs here of a neurological problem, and until you know the nature of it, you and your husband are not safe. Go to A and E and tell them exactly what you've said here. Tell them you want to know if he's had a stroke. I think it's more likely to be epilepsy, but they should rule out stroke first. You sound like someone who doesn't want to make a fuss and will wait for the GP's referral while he indulges himself over a period of weeks running whatever tests he fancies to diagnose a condition that he's not a specialist in. In the same way that you're sick with heart failure, your husband is sick too. He's not able to make these decisions for himself. Get someone else to help if you need to, but get him to A and E, because this situation is dangerous.
It's v timely that you posted this, because I was about to post, anyway, about my GP. Yesterday, he took my breath away with his egotism, arrogance, total lack of understanding, and inompetence regarding my husband's health problem.
As I have explained on here already, I went to see my GP last Tuesday, and told him in detail what had been going on, including "the strangling incident". He seemed very concerned, and to take it very seriously. He then saw my husband a little later the same day and, having talked to him, arranged for him to have a blood test and to come back in see him in three weeks.
I was pretty disappointed and concerned that he didn't do more than this, but thought he must know what he was doing; after all, he has always been a great doctor in the past, and a tower of strength to me regarding my heart failure.
But all that has changed since a stunningly flabbergasting phone call from my GP yesterday. I'll call him Dr X.
As I have told you, I went to see the police on Thursday, and they took the matter extremely seriously. They said they were going to get the Social Services to contact me - which they did, yesterday (or at least they tried to; I didn't manage to take their call). The police officer also asked for my GP's details, which I gave her. I didn't say anything about my GP, good or bad, simply gave her his name and contact details. I did say that he had told my husband to have a blood test and go back in three weeks, but wasn't judgemental about this in any way, simply gave her the facts.
Anyway..........................as I said, the phone called yesterday and it was Dr X. My first thought was: either it's something to do with a recent blood test that I had myself, regarding my heart, or he's ringing up to see how I am (regarding my husband).
But what I got was the normally charming Dr X sounding very angry with me. He said: "I've had a phone call from the Social Services! I gather you've been to see the police! What are you doing going to see the police? Didn't you realise that I was dealing with this? Tell me, Mrs - , why did you go to the police?!)
I was pretty stunned but said that I'd gone to the police because, although I needed medical support from my GP, I also felt I needed support of a different kind from the police. I said I had wanted it put on the record what was going on, and also that - when I told my husband I'd gone to the police - it might make him take the matter more seriously (which indeed it did).
But my GP just kept on saying to me angrily: "You shouldn't have gone to the police, I was dealing with this!!!"
I was pretty speechless. What I wish I'd said, now, was that I don't need my GP's permission to go to the police! If I want to go to see them about anything at all, I can do so! He has no right whatsoever to tell me not to go to see them!
As for his "I'm dealing with it, your husband was having a blood test, and coming back to see me in three weeks..............." well, (a) I don't think a blood test is sufficient, and (b) a lot can happen in three weeks. That's 21 nights in which I could potentially wake up and find my husband's hands around my neck again..................or worse still, not wake up. But Dr X showed no empathy whatsoever with what I, a vulnerable female, with a heart condition, alone with a man who's obviously v sick, and a great deal physically stronger than me, must feel. He showed no sign of understanding whatsoever for why I must be frightened. All he was concerned about was his wounded pride because I hadn't let HIM deal with it all!
And - you'll just never believe this! - it transpired that the reason Dr X had told my husand to come back in three weeks - and not the normal few days or a week that is necessary after a blood test - is because he (Dr X) is about to go on holiday for two weeks!!!!! So egotistical is he, that, if the blood test had shown signs of something abnormal, he didn't even want one of his colleagues to see my husband in his absence - he wanted me to go on being scared, and my husband to go on being ill, for three whole weeks, because HE wanted to be the one who dealt with it, but is about to be off on his hols for a fortnight!!!!!!
Since speaking to him, I've been absolutely fuming, and disbelieving, and keep thinking of all the things I should have said to him - except he'd literally rendered me speechless.
Anyway, he then asked to speak to my husband, and fired a barrage of questions at him such as "when did you last put your hands round your wife's neck? Have you done it in the last couple of days? When was the last time you threatened to do so?" - to which my husband tried to patiently explain that he didn't know because - and the GP already knew this - the whole point is that my husband doesn't remember these episodes after they happen. So to each question, my husband had to ask me (sitting beside me) for the answer.
Dr X then asked to speak to me again, and said - very grudgingly and sulkily, like a spoilt child - that he supposed he should send my husband to a neurologist, and would write a letter to one (yesterday). But he sounded very aggrieved, as if I had no right to want my husband to see a neurologist, when HE - the great Dr X - had it all in hand with his blasted blood test!!!!
Thank God, though, that my husband is now going to see a neurologist. I hope that, when the referral letter arrives on the neurologist's table, s/he will realise the gravity of the situation, and ask to see him quickly. If they don't, I shall chase it up until they do.
So there you have it: the most astonishing and uncaring act of arrogance from a doctor I have ever witnessed!!!
And BTW, my husband himself - despite being the one who's sick, at the centre of all this - is being hugely understanding. He is able to disassociate himself from what he's been doing, when we've talked about it, as if he's objectively discussing someone else, and agreeing that for both his sake and mine, he simply must get to the bottom of this. I want to be open with him, so told him about the police, and the social services, and he took it with a better grace than I could possibly have hoped, and says he knows I'm only doing it because (a) I care about my own safety and (b) I care about him.
In fact, my husband hasn't had a funny episode for a couple of days now, and, unbelievable though this may sound, we've been getting on really really well. It seems to have made each of us realise how much we love the other, and we've spent some great quality time together. My husband totally gets that I care about his illness in the same way that he cares about my Heart Failure. I would even say this is bringing us closer together. I'm hoping we might go out somewhere this weekend, and have a really nice time.
So there you have it, in a (very huge and long-winded) nutshell. Congratulations to those of you who've seen this post through to the end! I simply had to put down just what my despicable GP had been up to. (I would say he's changed personality even more than my husband has!!!) And I know some of you genuinely care about what's happening to me - for which I am so, so grateful - so wanted to let you know.
Thanks once again for your great care and concern, and extremely helpful pieces of advice. I hope all of you are OK and will have a lovely weekend. Will keep you posted.
My jaw dropped open reading what your GP said Moll. Getting a call from SS and the police has obviously shown up his lack of care hence his astonishing reaction. I hope he has indeed written to the neurologist and your hubby gets seen asap. Because if he's had one stroke he's at risk again of further strokes (AIUI from what happened with my nan) and needs to be assessed by a professional. He can't begin treatment until that has happened. Whilst it sounds like the GP's been great with regards your own health he's really dropped the ball with your husband, and he knows it.
I do hope you get to enjoy a lovely weekend together with no further episodes (and have you got that lock fixed on your bedroom door yet?). x
Comments
I'm glad to report that although I am writing this late at night, this time it's because my husband and I have been up late watching a couple of good films together. Touch wood, he hasn't had one of his funny episodes today. And he has agreed to a measure which will make me feel safer and more relaxed in the night: I'm getting him to take a sleeping pill (the GP has OK'd it), as I feel the more deeply asleep he is, the less likely he'll be to wake up and hurt me. It just makes me feel happier.
I shall definitely keep you posted and what transpires. Thanks again and God bless all of you.
Much love
Moll
x
I'm so sorry for what you are going through, I cant imagine how scared you must be. I was going to suggest a lock on the door but to be honest hun if you're going to push this (which you definitely should) I would get out now because the added stress of outside intervention could push him over the edge.
I've no idea on diagnosis but you need to get out of there now. Even if this isnt his fault and is mental illness imagine how awful he would feel in his moments of lucidity if he actually hurt you. you can leave and still help him from arms length.
I wish you all the luck in the world. if you get the chance please post daily cos I for one am going to worry about you otherwise.
take care hun xxx
I appreciate your kind advice, Butterfly, but I'm not planning to leave right now. The main reason - and please everyone, don't shoot me down and tell me how stupid this reason is - is my cat. My cat is everything to me. I simply adore him. Since I've been ill, nothing has comforted me more than to pick him up and cuddle him for hours at a time. There is a really strong bong between us, and I really can't bear the thought of being parted from him, as I would miss him so much, and know he would miss me too. I know people who aren't as batty about their pets as I am must think this is utterly stupid of me, but there are three people in my life who really, really matter to me: my husband, my mum - and the cat.
If I went to live temporarily with my mum, I couldn't take the cat, as she has a genuine phobia of them, unfortunately.
Having said that, I do plan to go and see her in the very near future - maybe next week for a few days, or a week - not because of this thing going on with my husband, but because I've been wanting to go ever since I was in hospital three months ago. I think it might do my husband and me good to be apart for a few days. And just in case anyone is wondering, I know he would never hurt the cat. He might hurt me, but not him.
Actually, what I would prefer to do, if it were to come to it, would be not to leave myself, but to get my husband to leave. We live in Brighton, and there are hundreds of B&Bs here, where he could go to spend the night. I know he wouldn't be keen to do this, but I have been thinking about what I could say to convince him to do it, and reckon I could get him to agree to it if I really felt it were necessary. I don't want to leave my home - not unless 100% essential - but feel it would be the perfect compromise if I could get my husband to leave. I would still see him during the day, but would make him sleep elsewhere at night.
BTW, my mum's husband, my step-father, is a retired doctor, and I have been talking to him in-depth about my husband. He feels strongly that he might have epilepsy (as a couple of people have suggested on here) so I'm going to take my husband back to the GP ASAP and discuss that possibility. You know the thing that has made my husband agree to that? - well, he really, really loves his car. He's passionate about cars. And I've told him that if he's epileptic, and doesn't have it controlled with medication, he might not be allowed to drive. That has put the fear of God into him, so he has agreed to get checked out for epilepsy, if only to avoid a driving ban.
You are all so incredibly nice and I'm so glad I posted. But I am glad to report that the present situation = as good as it could be, under the circumstances. I think you all realise this already, but my husband is just as much a victim in this as I am. He is a really good person - kind, thoughtful, non-violent (normally) and until this started, nobody in the world made me feel safer. He has always been very protective of me. And now he knows he has a problem and is keen to protect me from himself. So the portents are as good as they could be.
Have a good day, everybody!
Moll
x
Scary times but I'm glad to see you have a good clear head to keep it managed and under control. Here's hoping it all gets better soon x
One thing I want to say, and I am sincerely not saying this to add to your worries, but regarding your cat: firstly, I can absolutely understand why you get so much comfort from an animal. I am an animal lover myself (dogs being my pet of choice ;-) ) and I totally get the place they have in your heart.
BUT and this is what I wanted to get across, you say that your husband would never hurt your cat. You, but not the cat. That implies a certain amount of conscious choice involved in whatever is going on with him, and from what you have posted so far there doesn't seem to be any indication of conscious choice at all (indeed, if there where any indication of that, I would have to say that you are potentially in greater danger than previously expressed). Bottom line is this; if there is no conscious choice regarding his actions, your cat could be at risk.
Sorry, but I thought I should point this possibility out to you.
You seem incredibly articulate, intelligent and caring, Moll. And you've already taken some very important steps. But please remember this: If your husband kills you during one of his episodes, then you'll be permanently separated from your cat, your Mother, your Husband, and everyone else who you love. Not to mention the fact that your husband will most likely spend the rest of his life in prison.
I really would advise you and your husband to be apart (unless in a safe place with other people around) until you know why he is acting this way, and until he is getting the right treatment for whatever is causing him to act this way. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, because it's clear that you've had a very good relationship and that this is beyond your husband's control, so I really hope I'm not coming across as criticising your husband (or you for that matter.) I just really don't think you're safe being around him at the minute, because at any moment he could have an episode and next time you may not be so lucky and may not be able to fight him off.
I do understand your dilemma, and it must be awful for you to know that your husband would never intentionally hurt you, and that it's not his fault he is behaving this way. But you really need to be practical about this and look at the facts. And unfortunately, the fact is, you can't guarantee 100% that your husband won't end up killing or severely injuring you. So you really need to take steps to make sure that doesn't happen. And the only way you can do that is by either leaving yourself, or by your husband leaving (just until he has been diagnosed and is receiving treatment, and until you can guarantee your own safety.)
It does seem strange to me that your husband hasn't already offered to leave of his own free will. If I was in his situation, and my wife told me I was frequently threatening to kill her/ had held her throat while she was asleep, and I had no memory of it, then to be honest my first response would be to pack my bags and make sure I was far away from her until my doctor could give me treatment and I was getting better. I would never stay living with my wife if there was even a small chance that I could hurt her (even if it was when I was 'out of my mind' and it was unintentional.) So maybe you need to, as other posters have suggested, film him when he's behaving in a threatening way, so he can watch it back and fully realise just how serious this situation is.
I must admit, I also find it strange that your husband seems more willing to seek help from the GP because he's worried that he may have epilepsy and will no longer be able to drive, than the fact that he's been threatening to kill you and that you're so scared he might that you felt the need to sleep with a knife beside you for protection.
Surely the main motivation for him seeking help should be because he's terrified that he would end up killing you, not that he may not be able to drive again? (Once again, I hope this doesn't come across as critical. I'm just genuinely concerned for your safety, and right now in the situation you're in, you are most definitely not safe. I hope you don't take my advice the wrong way.)
I guess all I can really say after all that rambling (which I hope was coherent and gave you a few things to think about) is please try to arrange a way for you to not be residing in the same house as your husband. You really can't be sure when his next episode will be, or whether you'll still be alive after it.
Please get out while you still can. You're not betraying your husband, or blaming him for the circumstances. You're simply making sure that you don't end up dead and that your husband doesn't end up in prison.
I wish you well, Moll. Please keep us all updated x
I'd agree with this.
It's funny really, from reading this thread everyone seems convinced it's Schizophrenia, but it sounds nothing like any schizophrenia I've ever heard of.
Schizophrenic people don't usually experience (very sudden) memory loss, slurred speech, eye-lids drooping etc
Even the very menacing behaviour is.. untypical.. of schizophrenia (although granted not impossible) - that would be more closely related to D.I.D, personality disorders or neurological damage.
The behaviour of schizophrenic people can be baffling and complex but it's very rare (if not impossible) it manifests itself in such a Jekyll & Hyde split personality way. Schizophrenia just isn't 'multiple-personalities' as is often erroneously described by laypersons.
He needs to see a lot of doctors, very quickly either way.
I agree with this,
I also understand re. your cat, my lovely little cat (RIP) and I had such a bond as well. They really are good at calming and de-stressing! To me, it's not batty at all, it's completely understandable
I hope things are OK OP, take care
As others have said, please do keep posting, even if it's only to say hi. There are quite a few of us now who are watching.
First of all, even if you don't read this post of mine, please read the second one in just a minute, which I will post separately - you simply will not believe it!!! (and not in a good way, unfortunately.....)
But first - my cat. Ruined Girl, you're not the only person who's expressed concern for my cat, and I do appreciate the concern; I don't mind anyone saying that my cat might be at risk at all - what I would mind would be if anyone said "so what, it's just a cat!" Fortunately no-one has said that and you seem to understand that my cat's well-being is important, with which I heartily agree,.
However, I am as sure as I can be that my husband wouldn't hurt the cat. I'll try to explain my reasoning. Yes, I have said that when he has a funny turn he does not seem to be in control of himself. And I still basically mean that. However, I've been giving it a lot of thought. Whatever is wrong with him, I believe it was triggered off by my illness three months ago - Heart Failure. And - I hope this doesn't sound like lots of psychobabble drivel - I think my husband has a lot of suppressed rage about my illness. Because he loves me, I think he is furious that his beloved wife has this awful medical condition - in fact, I know that's how he feels, because, in his normal, lucid condition, he's told me so - and I think that fury is possibly manifesting itself against me because I am the reminder of what's wrong with me. Does that make sense? Does anyone understand what I'm saying? (Or does it sound like ridiculous rubbish?!) I DO think his behaviour is coming from his subconcious, and I think my illness might have triggered off either a mental or neurological condition in him, but I also think he might feel enraged towards me, because I have this illness, and he can't bear it.
The cat, however, holds no such emotional baggage for him. The cat is not ill. He is in great health. He is a happy, contented, healthy, straightforward creature. He brings both of us nothing but unadulterated love and pleasure. Not only has he brought me great comfort since I've been ill, but he's also bringing my husband comfort at the moment. My husband is spending more time than usual - both in his normal state and his abnormal states - cuddling the cat and telling him how much he loves him. The cat has never, either directly or indirectly, given him reason to feel any complicated emotions. They simply love each other. And I am therefore as certain as it's possible to be that the cat will be OK.
However.................of course, if I'm wrong about this, I will do everything in my power to protect my cat. If I DID get any kind of inkling whatsoever that my cat were at risk from my husband, I would get him (the cat) to a safe place - take him to a cattery until this is all sorted out and over with, or get a neighbour to take him in and keep him inside (I'd have to think up some excuse, such as having a relative with a cat allergy coming to stay with us). This cat means so much to me. I would rather be hurt myself than be responsible for his death, or any harm to him.
I absolutely promise you all I will not let the cat get hurt.
It's v timely that you posted this, because I was about to post, anyway, about my GP. Yesterday, he took my breath away with his egotism, arrogance, total lack of understanding, and inompetence regarding my husband's health problem.
As I have explained on here already, I went to see my GP last Tuesday, and told him in detail what had been going on, including "the strangling incident". He seemed very concerned, and to take it very seriously. He then saw my husband a little later the same day and, having talked to him, arranged for him to have a blood test and to come back in see him in three weeks.
I was pretty disappointed and concerned that he didn't do more than this, but thought he must know what he was doing; after all, he has always been a great doctor in the past, and a tower of strength to me regarding my heart failure.
But all that has changed since a stunningly flabbergasting phone call from my GP yesterday. I'll call him Dr X.
As I have told you, I went to see the police on Thursday, and they took the matter extremely seriously. They said they were going to get the Social Services to contact me - which they did, yesterday (or at least they tried to; I didn't manage to take their call). The police officer also asked for my GP's details, which I gave her. I didn't say anything about my GP, good or bad, simply gave her his name and contact details. I did say that he had told my husband to have a blood test and go back in three weeks, but wasn't judgemental about this in any way, simply gave her the facts.
Anyway..........................as I said, the phone called yesterday and it was Dr X. My first thought was: either it's something to do with a recent blood test that I had myself, regarding my heart, or he's ringing up to see how I am (regarding my husband).
But what I got was the normally charming Dr X sounding very angry with me. He said: "I've had a phone call from the Social Services! I gather you've been to see the police! What are you doing going to see the police? Didn't you realise that I was dealing with this? Tell me, Mrs - , why did you go to the police?!)
I was pretty stunned but said that I'd gone to the police because, although I needed medical support from my GP, I also felt I needed support of a different kind from the police. I said I had wanted it put on the record what was going on, and also that - when I told my husband I'd gone to the police - it might make him take the matter more seriously (which indeed it did).
But my GP just kept on saying to me angrily: "You shouldn't have gone to the police, I was dealing with this!!!"
I was pretty speechless. What I wish I'd said, now, was that I don't need my GP's permission to go to the police! If I want to go to see them about anything at all, I can do so! He has no right whatsoever to tell me not to go to see them!
As for his "I'm dealing with it, your husband was having a blood test, and coming back to see me in three weeks..............." well, (a) I don't think a blood test is sufficient, and (b) a lot can happen in three weeks. That's 21 nights in which I could potentially wake up and find my husband's hands around my neck again..................or worse still, not wake up. But Dr X showed no empathy whatsoever with what I, a vulnerable female, with a heart condition, alone with a man who's obviously v sick, and a great deal physically stronger than me, must feel. He showed no sign of understanding whatsoever for why I must be frightened. All he was concerned about was his wounded pride because I hadn't let HIM deal with it all!
And - you'll just never believe this! - it transpired that the reason Dr X had told my husand to come back in three weeks - and not the normal few days or a week that is necessary after a blood test - is because he (Dr X) is about to go on holiday for two weeks!!!!! So egotistical is he, that, if the blood test had shown signs of something abnormal, he didn't even want one of his colleagues to see my husband in his absence - he wanted me to go on being scared, and my husband to go on being ill, for three whole weeks, because HE wanted to be the one who dealt with it, but is about to be off on his hols for a fortnight!!!!!!
Since speaking to him, I've been absolutely fuming, and disbelieving, and keep thinking of all the things I should have said to him - except he'd literally rendered me speechless.
Anyway, he then asked to speak to my husband, and fired a barrage of questions at him such as "when did you last put your hands round your wife's neck? Have you done it in the last couple of days? When was the last time you threatened to do so?" - to which my husband tried to patiently explain that he didn't know because - and the GP already knew this - the whole point is that my husband doesn't remember these episodes after they happen. So to each question, my husband had to ask me (sitting beside me) for the answer.
Dr X then asked to speak to me again, and said - very grudgingly and sulkily, like a spoilt child - that he supposed he should send my husband to a neurologist, and would write a letter to one (yesterday). But he sounded very aggrieved, as if I had no right to want my husband to see a neurologist, when HE - the great Dr X - had it all in hand with his blasted blood test!!!!
Thank God, though, that my husband is now going to see a neurologist. I hope that, when the referral letter arrives on the neurologist's table, s/he will realise the gravity of the situation, and ask to see him quickly. If they don't, I shall chase it up until they do.
So there you have it: the most astonishing and uncaring act of arrogance from a doctor I have ever witnessed!!!
And BTW, my husband himself - despite being the one who's sick, at the centre of all this - is being hugely understanding. He is able to disassociate himself from what he's been doing, when we've talked about it, as if he's objectively discussing someone else, and agreeing that for both his sake and mine, he simply must get to the bottom of this. I want to be open with him, so told him about the police, and the social services, and he took it with a better grace than I could possibly have hoped, and says he knows I'm only doing it because (a) I care about my own safety and (b) I care about him.
In fact, my husband hasn't had a funny episode for a couple of days now, and, unbelievable though this may sound, we've been getting on really really well. It seems to have made each of us realise how much we love the other, and we've spent some great quality time together. My husband totally gets that I care about his illness in the same way that he cares about my Heart Failure. I would even say this is bringing us closer together. I'm hoping we might go out somewhere this weekend, and have a really nice time.
So there you have it, in a (very huge and long-winded) nutshell. Congratulations to those of you who've seen this post through to the end! I simply had to put down just what my despicable GP had been up to. (I would say he's changed personality even more than my husband has!!!) And I know some of you genuinely care about what's happening to me - for which I am so, so grateful - so wanted to let you know.
Thanks once again for your great care and concern, and extremely helpful pieces of advice. I hope all of you are OK and will have a lovely weekend. Will keep you posted.
Love
Moll
x
I do hope you get to enjoy a lovely weekend together with no further episodes (and have you got that lock fixed on your bedroom door yet?). x
Enjoy the sun in Brighton today