11 Year Old Daughter Changed Completely in 1 Week!
I'm absolutely FURIOUS right now and need some sound advice about my 11 year old daughter who started high school last week.
She'd always performed okay at junior school - not brilliant, but not bad. Well it so happens that a new girl started at her old school during the last half term (around May time I think). This new girl (I'll call her Sarah for the purposes of this thread) is the daughter of a professional footballer (not a top top player but one who you'd see on Match of the Day) and they'd just moved in to the area.
My daughter was friendly with Sarah, but they weren't closest friends and she didn't talk about her much until right near the end of term when it became clear that my daughter and Sarah were both going to be starting at the same high school this September whilst most the other girls in their year were going to the other school in the area.
So they became pally at the end of last term and arranged to meet up over the summer holidays. My wife and her mum got in contact and arranged for them to be together on a few days out and my daughter would go round to their 'mansion' twice during the 6 week break. I picked my daughter up one of those times, and the mum was pleasant enough but a typical WAG type who leeches off her rich husband and spends her days in bars and shopping with other WAGS etc. :rolleyes:
Anyhow, they both started new school last Monday and what started 2 months ago as a perfectly nice friendship has now turned my daughter into a monster almost overnight. :mad: It started on Monday evening with her complaining that "omg Sarah has the coolest bag, the best Blackberry, her coat is So lush, etc.." and has continued from there, to the point that she is now acting like she lives in a slum and is deprived of her basic needs. :mad:
The reality is we live in a medium sized rented house and she and her brother have always had plenty of money spent on them in terms of food, clothes, toys, more recently mobile phones and stuff she 'needs' for school. We took her on holiday to Ibiza in the holiday which she's now told us was rubbish and she hated it, she says her clothes are all 'rank' and she needs a completely new wardrobe, her phone is 'ancient' and she doesn't get enough credit (she has a touchscreen phone from just over a year ago which we get her a £10 gifgaff goodybag for every month) and a whole load of other ridiculous complaints about how we fail her in our duty as parents.
The final straw came tonight when she told us a whole load of hurtful things about how she hates our home and pretty much everything we do for her or have ever bought for her. She stopped short of saying she hates US but we were left in no doubt that the standard of living we offer is unacceptable to her and that she expects to get every luxury her new 'BFF' (best friend forever, apparently
) is blessed with. :mad:
In honestly, she's our oldest child and we've never had any problems like this to contend with before and quite frankly I admit I don't have a clue what I should do about it. We are talking about moving her to the other school, but my wife is reluctant about this option. We've spent the last 3 hours arguing about what to do and I feel totally worn out and wretched and I've got a long day and 5:30am start at work to look forward to in a few hours.
Please help.
She'd always performed okay at junior school - not brilliant, but not bad. Well it so happens that a new girl started at her old school during the last half term (around May time I think). This new girl (I'll call her Sarah for the purposes of this thread) is the daughter of a professional footballer (not a top top player but one who you'd see on Match of the Day) and they'd just moved in to the area.
My daughter was friendly with Sarah, but they weren't closest friends and she didn't talk about her much until right near the end of term when it became clear that my daughter and Sarah were both going to be starting at the same high school this September whilst most the other girls in their year were going to the other school in the area.
So they became pally at the end of last term and arranged to meet up over the summer holidays. My wife and her mum got in contact and arranged for them to be together on a few days out and my daughter would go round to their 'mansion' twice during the 6 week break. I picked my daughter up one of those times, and the mum was pleasant enough but a typical WAG type who leeches off her rich husband and spends her days in bars and shopping with other WAGS etc. :rolleyes:
Anyhow, they both started new school last Monday and what started 2 months ago as a perfectly nice friendship has now turned my daughter into a monster almost overnight. :mad: It started on Monday evening with her complaining that "omg Sarah has the coolest bag, the best Blackberry, her coat is So lush, etc.." and has continued from there, to the point that she is now acting like she lives in a slum and is deprived of her basic needs. :mad:
The reality is we live in a medium sized rented house and she and her brother have always had plenty of money spent on them in terms of food, clothes, toys, more recently mobile phones and stuff she 'needs' for school. We took her on holiday to Ibiza in the holiday which she's now told us was rubbish and she hated it, she says her clothes are all 'rank' and she needs a completely new wardrobe, her phone is 'ancient' and she doesn't get enough credit (she has a touchscreen phone from just over a year ago which we get her a £10 gifgaff goodybag for every month) and a whole load of other ridiculous complaints about how we fail her in our duty as parents.
The final straw came tonight when she told us a whole load of hurtful things about how she hates our home and pretty much everything we do for her or have ever bought for her. She stopped short of saying she hates US but we were left in no doubt that the standard of living we offer is unacceptable to her and that she expects to get every luxury her new 'BFF' (best friend forever, apparently
) is blessed with. :mad:In honestly, she's our oldest child and we've never had any problems like this to contend with before and quite frankly I admit I don't have a clue what I should do about it. We are talking about moving her to the other school, but my wife is reluctant about this option. We've spent the last 3 hours arguing about what to do and I feel totally worn out and wretched and I've got a long day and 5:30am start at work to look forward to in a few hours.
Please help.
0
Comments
I don't really have any advice but I do remember coming home from school (the first couple of weeks in secondary school no less) being absolutely vile towards my mother because I'd been picked on in school for not having the right shoes. I had no concept at that age that my mum was doing the best she could do.
You and your wife have to remember that you are the parents and if she is complaining about what she has then take it away. She'll soon appreciate it if it feels more like a privilege than a right.
I'd be reluctant to change schools, this could happen at any school. I'd be inclined to punish the rude behaviour first, she's just.trying it on.
Yep. Anyone remember the Harry Enfield show years ago when Kevin was on the eve of his 13th birthday?,. After midnight he became a monster.?
I remember the episode when he turned 18 and became very polite and helpful too
No, that was the morning after he got laid!
OP I'd agree with what people have said here. This is just "normal" behaviour for a girl who is about to start growing up. Get used to it - there's about another 6 or 7 years of it to come!
She should be meeting new friends at school and will settle down a bit.
I didn't get any sleep last night after going to bed stressed out and knowing I didn't have long anyway before I had to get up.
I'm at work now and just had a text from the wife saying she's deliberately dropped her phone in the toilet and is being a total pain in the arse already. :mad:
What should I do about the friendship with this spoilt little rich madam? It's this which has caused my daughter to change personality overnight so I'm thinking they'll have to be kept apart if this isn't sorted.
It's a normal part of growing up.
Its hard when they change almost overnight, but it happens to every single one of us, its just a shock when its our own children. Remember back to when you hit puberty and all those emotions? well she is being bombarded by hormones and has no idea why she feels like she feels
Good luck, try and stay sane and you will all get through it .
With the phone, tell her is she has dropped it in the toilet you have no money for a new one, is there an old one she can use meanwhile? if not tell her she will have to wait until xmas for a new one.keep on top of it and dont let her get away with a thing.
Personally id build up a friendship witg her new friend! When she starts telling your daughter how great her parents are she might start to realise how lucky she is!
The money side of things...well i was always told it doesnt grow on trees and if you want something you should earn it! Make her earn her treats by doing jobs around house! Somethin we tried was rather than reward for good behaviour reduce for bad!! Allow her a set amount of spending money to be given at end ofeach week and each time shes 'bad' knock some off!! She might start off with say £10 but only end up with a fiver if she gives you any hassle!
The mobile phone is a tough one! If shes done it on purpose then she certainly shouldnt be rewarded with a new one! However we need to be able to contact our kids and her not having a phone will prob not help situation! Buy her a cheap as chips crappy pay as you go until she can save up for what she wants or christmas!
Besides at high school she wont be in every class with this girl! Chances are over next few weeks she will meet other friends anyway!
When i started high school my circle of friends widened considerably so as she starts different subjects etc... She mightmeet other girls anyway!
She doesn't need a phone. I lived until my thirties without one. Besides there are plenty of phone boxes she can use. We all had to use phone boxes in the eighties.
I'm pretty sure that's the approach my parents would have taken too!
OP, I don't think you'll be able to stop your daughter being friends with this girl; but you might gently be able to point out that the way Sarah lives is nothing like the way the majority of people live, and hopefully as she makes other friends she'll realise that not everybody lives in a gold-plated house. As it's the start of term they're probably clinging to one another, but from my experience BFF are usually anything but.
I never really went through a stage of being a brat, partially because both my best friends came from rather deprived backgrounds and I saw how lucky I was to have even £10 to spend on a Saturday, as they literally had enough money for bus fare and nothing else.
The other reason is because my parents literally wouldn't have tolerated ungrateful behaviour. If I'd said that my mobile wasn't 'good enough' then my Dad's reply would have been 'Fine - if what we offer isn't good enough then you can buy your own mobile' and he would have taken mine away.
What's important is that you don't cave in to her demands and start spending more on her than you normally would. If she turns her nose up at what she has at present, she'll change her tune when the strap on her bag breaks and she needs new shoes and the alternative is your offering or nothing at all.
Just seen your update about her 'dropping' her phone. Perhaps this might be a good way to teach her about the value of money? Explain to her that a £100+ touchscreen phone would cost you X hours' wages, and if she wants another one she can 'earn' it by helping out with housework. Or encourage her to get a job. Age 13 I wanted more money so got a paper round. Lugging 150 papers a mile up the road and delivering them all taught me the value of money like nothing else - especially as I only got £4.88. it made the £5 I got for hoovering and dusting Mum and Dad's house seem like easy money in comparison!
I was briefly a brat for about 5 minutes in year 7, but when I told Mum she 'embarrassed' me she got upset and I felt so guilty that I never criticised her rudely again. There's nothing wrong in communicating that you feel hurt by her words (although don't lay it on too thick!) - it might make her realise that you are human and not just these cash machines which are there to cater to her every whim.
So cheer up because this might just be a sudden phase which will pass - not every teenager is like Kevin off Harry Enfield!
I would consider contacting the school to ask them to keep an eye on her in case she is getting a rough time from some of the other girls and she is taking it out on you,
There will be a lot of odd things happening around making friendship groups at the moment and maybe she is trying to get in with the wrong girls, hopefully given time she will sort out who she really wants to be friends with (ones that she can keep up with without feeling inferior) otherwise you are in for a long rough ride.
Keep perspective on the bigger picture, and the life lessons that you can teach your child by not giving into her demands.
I'm inclined to think along these lines ^^
Often in a cruel way girls who are spoilt/well off or very popular latch on to someone they feel has less as it gives them the chance to show off, bask in the envy and then feel 'altruistic' about letting the 'friend' have cast offs or attention:rolleyes: It's early days at school yet so they are still all sussing out who is who and establishing a pecking order. Soon this girl will become fed up of the have/have not divide and will gravitate towards other spoilt little madams. Tthey will create a little clique and as quick as you can blink your daughter will be dropped like a hot potato.
Sad for your girl and a tough thing to go through, but all part of the usual growing up learning curve
I would take a firm stand about what you and your family can reasonably afford. Sit down and explain that her behaviour is ungrateful and unacceptable. Explain she is lucky to have the things she does, the spoilt madam is the minority, not the 'norm' ! If she wants extras she will have to earn them in some way, starting with being civil and respectful. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is coming her way if she continues to be rude and ungrateful:p ! Tell he you will replace her phone with a £10 Tesco PAYG one so she has it for emergencies, but its now up to her to do without till her birthday or she has earned the cash to replace the touchscreen one.
Hard as it may seem at present, show her affection and support too. Often when things spiral out of control kids tend to take a "Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb" type attitude when they realise they are in the wrong. They think, "Sod it, I've blown it now so I may as well go the whole hog and say or do something even worse!" Its all part of the cycle of attention seeking and provoking a reaction, until it comes to a head and she does/says something really dumb, like throwing her phone down the loo:rolleyes:
Take heart that she doesn't mean half of the things she is saying, its just the hormones and suppressed anger talking, kids will often say the most outrageous things to get a reaction. At her age she still doesn't have the communication skills to sit down and talk about how she feels, so you need to be her role model and let her see the mature way to move forward:).
And moving her to another school is only going to fix a symptom, not the problem.
I'd say not to give into her manipulations, by buying her more expensive clothes, a new phone etc.
The BIB is exactly what I'd say if my daughter started with that attitude. Good luck OP