How to make friend with someone you treated badly?

marc822marc822 Posts: 3,118
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I did something really bad to a friend and they didnt want to make up and move on at the time - which is understandable. It was really bad and im ashamed of what i did. But i feel like i need to make things right but ive not known how. But moving on down the line months later i cant forget the friendship we had and how good friends we were. I made a bad mistake that i cant take back or change now (the past is the past), and recently ive been thinking i would love to just put things right and even if we couldnt be the good friends that we once were maybe we could still be in each others lifes even if its just a text now and then and just keep in touch. My friends tell me to just forget about it and have a whats done is done attitude. If a friendship is ruined and that person now hates your guts, do you think its ever possible to put it right. I think with me its the fact that i hate to think that someone out there hates me...

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  • bri160356bri160356 Posts: 5,147
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    marc822 wrote: »
    I did something really bad to a friend and they didnt want to make up and move on at the time - which is understandable. It was really bad and im ashamed of what i did. But i feel like i need to make things right but ive not known how. But moving on down the line months later i cant forget the friendship we had and how good friends we were. I made a bad mistake that i cant take back or change now (the past is the past), and recently ive been thinking i would love to just put things right and even if we couldnt be the good friends that we once were maybe we could still be in each others lifes even if its just a text now and then and just keep in touch. My friends tell me to just forget about it and have a whats done is done attitude. If a friendship is ruined and that person now hates your guts, do you think its ever possible to put it right. I think with me its the fact that i hate to think that someone out there hates me...

    Can you be more specific on what you actually did?
  • jasvinyljasvinyl Posts: 14,631
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    It depends on what you did, and whether your friend can forgive you. All you can do is ask, but you could meet rejection.

    I would suggest examining your motives before doing anything though, to make sure you are not using them to try to assuage your own guilt.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 513
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    I guess it depends on just what it was and how bad it was and if you or your ex friend are still affected and or benefited from the situation in a way other than emotional?. Or weather or not it was something that happened over a more prolonged period of time than a simple 1 off action?.
  • marc822marc822 Posts: 3,118
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    Basically alot of people were shit stiring about stuff like children telling lies and there is alot of people that were affected by that within our social group, but because i believed a few things i heard i did something stupid and told his partner the truth about him and dropped him in it, which was stupid but it was because i was so angry and i caused them to break up, which i dont need telling how awful i am or what an awful person i was, but at the time i was in rage and i couldnt help myself (i did only tell the truth) due to what i heard that he was supposed to have said. So he hates me for that, but has since moved on and met someone else now, so its like would he still be bothered if it was all pety games that was going around by some losers that were just out to cause trouble between mates.
  • jasvinyljasvinyl Posts: 14,631
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    marc822 wrote: »
    Basically alot of people were shit stiring about stuff like children telling lies and there is alot of people that were affected by that within our social group, but because i believed a few things i heard i did something stupid and told his partner the truth about him and dropped him in it, which was stupid but it was because i was so angry and i caused them to break up, which i dont need telling how awful i am or what an awful person i was, but at the time i was in rage and i couldnt help myself (i did only tell the truth) due to what i heard that he was supposed to have said. So he hates me for that, but has since moved on and met someone else now, so its like would he still be bothered if it was all pety games that was going around by some losers that were just out to cause trouble between mates.

    Nah, sorry, none the wiser. I've tried to decipher it a couple of times but no joy. I do have a head cold though.
  • Paul_DNAPPaul_DNAP Posts: 25,774
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    jasvinyl wrote: »
    Nah, sorry, none the wiser. I've tried to decipher it a couple of times but no joy. I do have a head cold though.

    Reading between the lines, the OP's mate annoyed him and so he went and told his mate's GF that his mate was cheating on her (for example; exact details TBC) and now the OP wants to know if his mate will want to be friends again. If that is the case then there is no way in hell the ex-mate will ever want to speak to the OP again, and certainly never be mates again. Yeah, he's met someone new but who knows, he may be settling for his new GF and still hurting for the old. And how will he ever know the OP won't pull the same trick again the next time he's feeling a little bit sulky and break up his new relationship?
  • jasvinyljasvinyl Posts: 14,631
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    Paul_DNAP wrote: »
    Reading between the lines, the OP's mate annoyed him and so he went and told his mate's GF that his mate was cheating on her (for example; exact details TBC) and now the OP wants to know if his mate will want to be friends again. If that is the case then there is no way in hell the ex-mate will ever want to speak to the OP again, and certainly never be mates again. Yeah, he's met someone new but who knows, he may be settling for his new GF and still hurting for the old. And how will he ever know the OP won't pull the same trick again the next time he's feeling a little bit sulky and break up his new relationship?

    Ah, ok, thanks, but what's not clear (to my cold-addled mind) is, was the friend cheating (as per your example) or not? The OP states "I did only tell the truth". Or does he mean, the truth as he heard it? I'm still confabulated. :s

    ETA: ...and, the OP says he told the truth about something his friend had said, so was it the friend who was spreading rumours? If so, what about? And what exactly was the truth? Because I'm sure, we can handle it.

    My brain is hurting.
  • DerekPAgainDerekPAgain Posts: 2,708
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    marc822 wrote: »
    Basically alot of people were shit stiring about stuff like children telling lies and there is alot of people that were affected by that within our social group, but because i believed a few things i heard i did something stupid and told his partner the truth about him and dropped him in it, which was stupid but it was because i was so angry and i caused them to break up, which i dont need telling how awful i am or what an awful person i was, but at the time i was in rage and i couldnt help myself (i did only tell the truth) due to what i heard that he was supposed to have said. So he hates me for that, but has since moved on and met someone else now, so its like would he still be bothered if it was all pety games that was going around by some losers that were just out to cause trouble between mates.

    It sounds like he thinks you are one of the "...losers that were just out to cause trouble between mates".

    Ask yourself the same question - would you want to be mates with someone who cares so little about your feelings that they would gossip with your partner behind their backs.

    I think you have NO chance of rekindling this friendship. Chalk one up to experience and move on.
  • Paul_DNAPPaul_DNAP Posts: 25,774
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    jasvinyl wrote: »
    Ah, ok, thanks, but what's not clear (to my cold-addled mind) is, was the friend cheating (as per your example) or not? The OP states "I did only tell the truth". Or does he mean, the truth as he heard it? I'm still confabulated. :s

    ETA: ...and, the OP says he told the truth about something his friend had said, so was it the friend who was spreading rumours? If so, what about? And what exactly was the truth? Because I'm sure, we can handle it.

    My brain is hurting.

    Ah, all that is less clear to me also. I'm guessing the OP passed on a nasty rumour, if it was true or not is probably not important; what is important is that the mate's GF believed it and dumped him.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 513
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    Also was his ex just a girlfriend or a wife as in married or engaged?. Did they also live together and or have children at the time?.

    If it was as seems to be the case just a single 1 off action (unless that action was followed up with other info or action from the op?) and they were only dating and never lived together it might be worth trying to sort it as women when younger often pull that sort of crap with each other, then a month later best of friends again lol. But if there relationship was more serious as in married\engaged or they lived together and or had kids then sorry to say you will have left it way to long to try and sort it now than at the time when you could have said you made it up as an act of revenge.
  • jasvinyljasvinyl Posts: 14,631
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    Paul_DNAP wrote: »
    Ah, all that is less clear to me also. I'm guessing the OP passed on a nasty rumour, if it was true or not is probably not important; what is important is that the mate's GF believed it and dumped him.

    Can I employ you as my post interpreter, just until my cold goes? Ta :D
  • jasvinyljasvinyl Posts: 14,631
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    I want to know why the OP was in a rage.
  • bri160356bri160356 Posts: 5,147
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    OP,

    I think the key to this situation is the very last sentence of your thread starter; it is very salient. Quote “ I think with me its the fact that i hate to think that someone out there hates me...”..

    You don’t appear to have much real empathy for your (very) ex friend, or the situation you plunged him and his partner into, but rather seeking some sort of absolution for yourself; (that’s not a criticism by the way.)

    Deep down do you think your friend deserved what he got? Only you can answer that.

    However, any chance of rekindling a relationship with your former friend seems remote to say the least.

    Probably best to move on and learn from your mistake; if indeed you really feel it was a mistake!
  • wenchwench Posts: 8,928
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    No one can answer how forgiving your friend can be or not, so if you want to rekindle a friendship then there is no harm in trying just as long as you are prepared to be knocked back or even abused for trying.

    Or you may be lucky and your ex friend is a very forgiving person and may forgive you.

    But none of us can say, only he can.
  • HelboreHelbore Posts: 16,066
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    Ok, so this is what I believe happened;

    Some people were spreading gossip and rumours. One of these was assumedly about the OP's friend and was suggesting they had done something that was not nice to the OP. In response, the OP told their friend's partner that they had been cheating. The OP claims that the cheating was real, but doesn't make it clear if they know this for a fact or if could also just be one of these fake rumours that were going around. Either way, the couple broke up and the friend told the OP to sling one for interfering.

    To be honest, OP, I don't think you stand a chance of fixing this. Your only defence seems to be that you were misled. But then your reaction was to go behind someone's back and intentionally sabotage their relationship. That's a bitchy and mean thing to do and I can't imagine many people would forgive you for that. It doesn't matter if the cheating was true. Its the fact that you went behind your friend's back and attacked them in a very sensitive area that matters.

    You can, of course, try and see if your ex-friend is willing to forgive you. But you need to be willing to accept that you might get a world of hurt in return. There's a very good chance they will throw it in your face and tell you exactly what they think of you, so be warned.
  • academiaacademia Posts: 18,225
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    bri160356 wrote: »
    OP,

    I think the key to this situation is the very last sentence of your thread starter; it is very salient. Quote “ I think with me its the fact that i hate to think that someone out there hates me...”..

    You don’t appear to have much real empathy for your (very) ex friend, or the situation you plunged him and hi
    s partner into, but rather seeking some sort of absolution for yourself; (that’s not a criticism by the way.)

    Deep down do you think your friend deserved what he got? Only you can answer that.

    However, any chance of rekindling a relationship with your former friend seems remote to say the least.

    Probably best to move on and learn from your mistake; if indeed you really feel it was a mistake!

    My thoughts exactly. The OP seems to think the situation is all about him and how he feels. It isn't. His ex-friend would be crazy to let him back into his life.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 219
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    A supposed friend hurt me extremely badly a few years ago. She did- eventually- acknowledge he had done wrong and apologised, and I forgave her. But the friendship was dead, because although I managed to forgive (more for me than her) I couldn't forget and didn't want someone I could no longer trust around me. I'm still very sore and sad at how things went but if you hurt someone that much it's very hard to get back into their life.
  • Toby LaRhoneToby LaRhone Posts: 12,916
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    marc822 wrote: »
    i did something stupid and told his partner the truth about him and dropped him in it, which was stupid but it was because i was so angry and i caused them to break up

    Another "advice" thread where the info has to be dragged out bit by bit and the original story gradually changes.
    You broke up their relationship, with intent, out of malice, by "telling the truth about him" to his partner.
    End of.
    Now you want the "friendship" back?
    "even if we couldnt be the good friends that we once were maybe we could still be in each others lifes even if its just a text now and then and just keep in touch"
    Naive.
    Move on and leave him be.

    Edit:
    Read aplomb's post above.
    Apologise for your own sake then move on and leave him be.
  • Judge MentalJudge Mental Posts: 18,593
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    It's not the loss of the relationship that would prevent him forgiving you it's the betrayal and loss of trust.

    Leave the poor guy alone and just learn the lesson for future friendships.
  • annette kurtenannette kurten Posts: 39,543
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    dont bother, you were a shit friend.
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