Of course, as everyone should. That's being respectful to your partner and anything less would be putting that family before him rather than giving equal consideration.
I'm not making a point about anyone's relationship in particular (sorry if you feel that is what I was saying :-( ).
If you already have an established relationship with someone (ie birth family), why should that have to change beyond recognition when someone new joins it. A partnership should ideally enhance your life, not change it in a way you wouldn't choose without that partner. You shouldn't have to focus on family if you didn't before but neither should you have to drop them or go against the instincts that you've had all your life.
I don't feel you're being personal. I'm interested in your point of view.
Why should your family dynamic have to change? But surely it just does anyway as siblings grow, have or not have kids, work sends them off around the country or the world. It's inevitable.
Surely as we forge new family units, with or without children, they become the new priority. Everyone else shuffles outwards. Parents and other siblings that can't accept that become stuck in the past, clinging onto a family model that no longer functions in the same way.
I think the BIB is interesting. If people have fundamentally different ideas on how family works (and thinks their way is normal) I can see where the two types of people can clash badly.
I think there is alway a subtle hierarchy going on in family relationships whether we like it or not. But then I come from a totally dysfunctional family so what I see as normal is probably very cynical to others.
I would never be rude or disrespectful to family members but I would firmly put someone in their place if they tried to make my OH feel like an outsider or second best. As a gay couple we've had experience of this from family so I come to the discussion from that viewpoint.
Someone up thread said they love all their loved ones equally. I don't believe that is even possible.
I think it is, it just comes out differently in different families, and in different circumstances in the same family even. It's far too subtle and intricate to put something as crude as a rank to though.
My original family unit are still important to me separate from my boyfriend, and together including him as well. Likewise I like spending time with my sister alone, with her husband, with my parents etc.
If I count someone as one of mine, that's it. I'll make time for them somehow. I don't really bother with people I don't care about, so the idea of downgrading someone purely to prioritise one of the others on a permanent, inflexible basis just seems weird to me.
If you need to list priorities, then perhaps that just goes to show that all priorities are wrong. I have time for everyone close to me and they are all on even pegging.
Someone up thread said they love all their loved ones equally. I don't believe that is even possible.
It's possible. Why shouldn't it be when you can live all your kids equally. I don't think it's really that competitive in my family that we need a hierarchy. But that assumes that you expect your family to respect your choices and your partner not to be jealous of family ties.
It's possible. Why shouldn't it be when you can live all your kids equally. I don't think it's really that competitive in my family that we need a hierarchy. But that assumes that you expect your family to respect your choices and your partner not to be jealous of family ties.
I find it uncomfortable (if that's the right word to use) that people even think about putting their whole family in some list of importance. Of course my husband will come first I live with the bloke but it doesn't mean that my parents are some how less important to me now that I am married. It could all go horribly wrong and I could need there support tomorrow. If I get a phone call say from a hospital saying that my Mum is ill, I would drop everything and go there without a second thought. My husband would understand that.
Aren't life and relationships all about compromise. It's not a competition.
I think it is, it just comes out differently in different families, and in different circumstances in the same family even. It's far too subtle and intricate to put something as crude as a rank to though.
My original family unit are still important to me separate from my boyfriend, and together including him as well. Likewise I like spending time with my sister alone, with her husband, with my parents etc.
If I count someone as one of mine, that's it. I'll make time for them somehow. I don't really bother with people I don't care about, so the idea of downgrading someone purely to prioritise one of the others on a permanent, inflexible basis just seems weird to me.
It's not about consciously ranking though is it? It just happens. I didn't think I could love anyone more than I love my parents, and then I met my husband, and all that changed.
I don't know whether, by boyfriend, you mean someone you have made a lifetime commitment to? If not, I can understand what you mean. I'd have felt the same with past boyfriends, but 18 years married to my husband and having two kids, this is my family unit and of course, my immediate priority. My husband is the closest person to me, emotionally and physically, and that is as it should be. I thought that was generally expected!
An example of "priority" would be putting time aside to spend time with my husband and kids above other people such as my parents. I don't get much free time, so my time with them is precious. Of course I make time for my parents and other family too, and that is also precious, but it's about priorites.
Please also note that a spouse is someone's most immediate family in the eyes of the law. For example, if I were mentally incapacitated, my husband is the one who would able to make decisions for me under the Mental Health Act. If someone isn't married, the next in line under the act is adult kids, then parents, then brothers and sisters. This is because the spouse is generally the closest person to the incapacitated person.
Another poster mentioned parents giving life to me. Yes they did. I gave life to my kids too, and I expect them to go and live that life without being tied to my apron strings! I know I'm not going to be the most important thing in their life when they have their own family, but that's the way it is, much as it might hurt.
Someone said to me a few years ago, or was it on a film - I can't remember, but it was a father saying there will come a time when he's not the number one man in his daughter's life anymore - i,.e., when she gets married. He seemed a bit sad about it, but acknowledged and expected that it would happen.
I can see how a husband would feel "relegated" to second place once the kids come along .
But when children come along they become the prime focus of both parents. He 'relegates' his partner to second place too (not that I believe for a moment it actually works as black and white as that).
So in a situation where it was life or death both parents would sacrifice each other to save a child.
Any man or woman who finds that unacceptable is perhaps not really ready to be a parent.
1. My other half
2. My kids
3. My extended family
4. My friends
5. Others
If you always put your kids first and ignored your OH, your relationship would suffer.
The best thing you can give your kids is a happy relationship as man and wife. A happy home = a happy childhood.
Yes there are times I choose to do things for kids above my other half, but then she would agree with my reasoning in these situations.
I think all too often people forget that you are a team as husband and wife, and you need to spend time as a team in order to ensure you are just that - a team.
Are you married vintage_girl? I'm really surprised at the number of people on here who are saying they would put their parents before their partner! Of course you look after your parents and love them, but really your first and most immediate family is the husband / wife and kids. My parents put each other first, now that I've left home and got my husband and kids. I wouldn't have it any other way. They've made vows to each other and built a life together.
If I were in a relationship where my husband's first priority was not me and our children, I'd be with the wrong man!
No, not married but I've had a live-in partner and we were planning to get married in future. I don't know, I guess it depends on your family relationships. My mum has brought me up single handedly, it's always been the 2 of us against the world and we've been through a lot together. She's always put me first, even as an adult she's helped me so much - funding me through uni and my internships, paying for my post grad course and letting me move back home for a year, paying for my driving lessons, being on the other end of the phone through my various love dramas etc.
She's on her own now and it's down to me as an only child to put her first. It might be different for you because your mum and dad have each other and I'm guessing they get on well.
However, coming from a "broken home" (god I hate that phrase!) and witnessing addiction, daily arguments, violence and then separation, I'm not a great believer in putting partners/husbands first, because you never know when things might turn sour. It doesn't mean I don't love my bf and I do give him time and attention. It's about balancing different priorities.
Comments
I don't feel you're being personal. I'm interested in your point of view.
Why should your family dynamic have to change? But surely it just does anyway as siblings grow, have or not have kids, work sends them off around the country or the world. It's inevitable.
Surely as we forge new family units, with or without children, they become the new priority. Everyone else shuffles outwards. Parents and other siblings that can't accept that become stuck in the past, clinging onto a family model that no longer functions in the same way.
I think the BIB is interesting. If people have fundamentally different ideas on how family works (and thinks their way is normal) I can see where the two types of people can clash badly.
I think it is, it just comes out differently in different families, and in different circumstances in the same family even. It's far too subtle and intricate to put something as crude as a rank to though.
My original family unit are still important to me separate from my boyfriend, and together including him as well. Likewise I like spending time with my sister alone, with her husband, with my parents etc.
If I count someone as one of mine, that's it. I'll make time for them somehow. I don't really bother with people I don't care about, so the idea of downgrading someone purely to prioritise one of the others on a permanent, inflexible basis just seems weird to me.
I find it uncomfortable (if that's the right word to use) that people even think about putting their whole family in some list of importance. Of course my husband will come first I live with the bloke but it doesn't mean that my parents are some how less important to me now that I am married. It could all go horribly wrong and I could need there support tomorrow. If I get a phone call say from a hospital saying that my Mum is ill, I would drop everything and go there without a second thought. My husband would understand that.
Aren't life and relationships all about compromise. It's not a competition.
Me too.
I can see how a husband would feel "relegated" to second place once the kids come along
It's not about consciously ranking though is it? It just happens. I didn't think I could love anyone more than I love my parents, and then I met my husband, and all that changed.
I don't know whether, by boyfriend, you mean someone you have made a lifetime commitment to? If not, I can understand what you mean. I'd have felt the same with past boyfriends, but 18 years married to my husband and having two kids, this is my family unit and of course, my immediate priority. My husband is the closest person to me, emotionally and physically, and that is as it should be. I thought that was generally expected!
An example of "priority" would be putting time aside to spend time with my husband and kids above other people such as my parents. I don't get much free time, so my time with them is precious. Of course I make time for my parents and other family too, and that is also precious, but it's about priorites.
Please also note that a spouse is someone's most immediate family in the eyes of the law. For example, if I were mentally incapacitated, my husband is the one who would able to make decisions for me under the Mental Health Act. If someone isn't married, the next in line under the act is adult kids, then parents, then brothers and sisters. This is because the spouse is generally the closest person to the incapacitated person.
Another poster mentioned parents giving life to me. Yes they did. I gave life to my kids too, and I expect them to go and live that life without being tied to my apron strings! I know I'm not going to be the most important thing in their life when they have their own family, but that's the way it is, much as it might hurt.
Someone said to me a few years ago, or was it on a film - I can't remember, but it was a father saying there will come a time when he's not the number one man in his daughter's life anymore - i,.e., when she gets married. He seemed a bit sad about it, but acknowledged and expected that it would happen.
But when children come along they become the prime focus of both parents. He 'relegates' his partner to second place too (not that I believe for a moment it actually works as black and white as that).
So in a situation where it was life or death both parents would sacrifice each other to save a child.
Any man or woman who finds that unacceptable is perhaps not really ready to be a parent.
1. My other half
2. My kids
3. My extended family
4. My friends
5. Others
If you always put your kids first and ignored your OH, your relationship would suffer.
The best thing you can give your kids is a happy relationship as man and wife. A happy home = a happy childhood.
Yes there are times I choose to do things for kids above my other half, but then she would agree with my reasoning in these situations.
I think all too often people forget that you are a team as husband and wife, and you need to spend time as a team in order to ensure you are just that - a team.
No, not married but I've had a live-in partner and we were planning to get married in future. I don't know, I guess it depends on your family relationships. My mum has brought me up single handedly, it's always been the 2 of us against the world and we've been through a lot together. She's always put me first, even as an adult she's helped me so much - funding me through uni and my internships, paying for my post grad course and letting me move back home for a year, paying for my driving lessons, being on the other end of the phone through my various love dramas etc.
She's on her own now and it's down to me as an only child to put her first. It might be different for you because your mum and dad have each other and I'm guessing they get on well.
However, coming from a "broken home" (god I hate that phrase!) and witnessing addiction, daily arguments, violence and then separation, I'm not a great believer in putting partners/husbands first, because you never know when things might turn sour. It doesn't mean I don't love my bf and I do give him time and attention. It's about balancing different priorities.