I have lived the life you are living now. Long story short I wasted 13 years of my life waiting for it all to be sorted out by which time I'd had enough.
Get out now while you still can. He's got the best of all worlds while you hang around til he decides how he wants to play it.
It was really hard for me to break up with the man I was involved with but after 13 years I just couldn't hack it anymore.
Had a few years on my own getting back to being myself, 3 years ago met someone who is just adorable.
Getting out was the best thing I ever did.
Make your escape now. He will never change anything while he doesn't have to and you need to get on with living a happy life not hanging around waiting for someone else to make your decisions.
Good luck.
Thanks I intend to get out, but I know he's not likely to let me walk away. I know it's going to be hard and it makes it even harder that I will be working with him sometimes now.
I have told him I'm moving on and we're done but like I said he won't accept it.
Even when he's told his children he's going to continue to spend a lot of time at his ex wife's. Not the sort of relationship I'd want.. always being in second place.
his 'kids' are 19 and 15, there is absolutely no need to spend time at his ex wifes in order to see them! OP, its time to grow a set, put up or shut up.
his 'kids' are 19 and 15, there is absolutely no need to spend time at his ex wifes in order to see them! OP, its time to grow a set, put up or shut up.
I know that which is why I've decided to end things, I know he has said things will change soon but I'm not waiting around to find out. I think talking about it on here (which I found extremely hard to do) and getting it out of my system has given me a set never mind him
Perhaps it's time for a change of job too, if possible.
I can't imagine it being easy to do a total split from someone whilst having to still work alongside him and both of your shared friends.
I know it might not be practical or financially viable to do so, but if possible and you have the job skills and experience to change, then I'd go down that route.
Thanks I intend to get out, but I know he's not likely to let me walk away. I know it's going to be hard and it makes it even harder that I will be working with him sometimes now.
I have told him I'm moving on and we're done but like I said he won't accept it.
I feel for you. It takes a lot of courage and strength to finish it.
The bloke I was involved with wouldn't let it end either, hence the dragging on of 13 years.
Initially I was flattered that he put so much effort into still pursuing me, and I did think he was going to change his situation, but he never truly committed to us 100%, and I was always last in the queue when it came to consideration. In the end I knew I deserved better than that because I had 100% to give whereas he either couldn't or wouldn't but refused to admit that.
You deserve more and better. Be true to yourself, there's nothing worse than being lonely in a relationship.
Perhaps it's time for a change of job too, if possible.
I can't imagine it being easy to do a total split from someone whilst having to still work alongside him and both of your shared friends.
I know it might not be practical or financially viable to do so, but if possible and you have the job skills and experience to change, then I'd go down that route.
Hi JTW
It's really difficult to get another job at the moment they just aren't about right now, The thing is I have 2 jobs there, one in the day and some extra hours at night. Plus it's the NHS, and whilst the pay isn't great, the benefits counteract that.
Basically I'm stuck at least for a few months anyway.
I feel for you. It takes a lot of courage and strength to finish it.
The bloke I was involved with wouldn't let it end either, hence the dragging on of 13 years.
Initially I was flattered that he put so much effort into still pursuing me, and I did think he was going to change his situation, but he never truly committed to us 100%, and I was always last in the queue when it came to consideration. In the end I knew I deserved better than that because I had 100% to give whereas he either couldn't or wouldn't but refused to admit that.
You deserve more and better. Be true to yourself, there's nothing worse than being lonely in a relationship.
Wishing you all the best.
Thanks I hope it's ok too
He's still trying now and doesn't believe it's over. He keeps saying things will change in time and to be honest they have quite a lot over the last few months but it's how long am I prepared to wait for the rest of it.
He's still trying now and doesn't believe it's over. He keeps saying things will change in time and to be honest they have quite a lot over the last few months but it's how long am I prepared to wait for the rest of it.
He may be divorced on paper but emotionally he is still putting his ex's feelings before your happiness.
Do you want to continue a relationship with someone who is never going to put you first ?
Personally I think you deserve better, it's been 2 years, he's had ample chance.
If he won't put you first then it's time you yourself do, his loss. Hugs.
Sorry I didn't reply to you, I'm looking back on the answers I received and yours I did notice first time round.
He doesn't see that he doesn't put me first, that's the stupid thing, I had an operation recently and as I work at a hospital I went into work that morning, then walked down the corridor to where I was going and he was waiting there for me to wish me luck. Then a few hours later when I was still quite delirious he came to see me then. He came back and took me home later.
When I go on a night out he will wait till late on to give me and my sis a lift home or come and meet us for a bit, but only if I ask him to.
He's not a bad person at all I just think he doesn't know how to be with someone and lately I've split up with him more times than we've had hot dinners. He says every time, 'only you say we're not together' he just doesn't get that this time I've had enough
To top it off, I've had a bit of a tiff with a friend of mine at work. She's lovely but a spoilt brat, not that that has ever really affected me. But I'm training to do my second job and she's my trainer which is great but she made reference to how I speak, well one word (out of a whole conversation)! It's my accent and I put on my telephone voice when I'm at work but it does slip on occasional words.
Thing is we're talking to people in our locality so most of them talk like I do and would probably be comforted by the accent.
I don't mind her telling me I've done something wrong but to pick on my accent is a bit much and we've had words. I changed the wording so that word wasn't mentioned, but now she has issues with the word I've replaced it with :rolleyes:
I did speak to management but only because I work in that area and I was upset and asked if they had a problem with my telephone manner.
What the f*** is going on in my life right now :eek:
Just thought I'd update you, he's only gone and told his ex about me :eek: I really never thought it would happen and that he would drag it out but he's told her today.
First mistake - going into a relationship expecting to change that person. If you arent happy with the way somebody is - why start a relationship in the first place.
First mistake - going into a relationship expecting to change that person. If you arent happy with the way somebody is - why start a relationship in the first place.
This is so true yet it's startling how many of us (particularly women) make the unfortunate mistake.
*note to all women - imprint the above in your retina*
Just thought I'd update you, he's only gone and told his ex about me :eek: I really never thought it would happen and that he would drag it out but he's told her today.
I'm no longer a secret
...it must still feel like a hollow victory that you had to leave him once, threaten to leave him and then have to give him an ultimatum for him to own your relationship. He didn't do this of his own volition. All that's really happened is the anti has been upped. The (ex) wife will start creating more now and your man will continue to oblige her.
I might also add, if what he says is true and he's doing this for the children - I must applaud him to the highest. To my certain mind, the parenting role is an eternal one, unbroken by future relationships either parent may entertain. So if he's doing for his children - more power to him.
Just thought I'd update you, he's only gone and told his ex about me :eek: I really never thought it would happen and that he would drag it out but he's told her today.
I'm no longer a secret
Gosh! So where does that leave the two of you? Do you believe him that he has told her?
This is so true yet it's startling how many of us (particularly women) make the unfortunate mistake.
*note to all women - imprint the above in your retina*
...it must still feel like a hollow victory that you had to leave him once, threaten to leave him and then have to give him an ultimatum for him to own your relationship. He didn't do this of his own volition. All that's really happened is the anti has been upped. The (ex) wife will start creating more now and your man will continue to oblige her.
I might also add, if what he says is true and he's doing this for the children - I must applaud him to the highest. To my certain mind, the parenting role is an eternal one, unbroken by future relationships either parent may entertain. So if he's doing for his children - more power to him.
To be fair he did want to tell them and I saw him not long before he did, he was really troubled and said he did want to be with me and wanted to tell them and has for a long time. I did feel for him as I could see how hard it was going to be and he was pacing up and down. He was worried for financial reasons too, but to give him credit he did tell her.
You're right though about his ex he says she is ok for now but he isn't sure whether she will cause problems and it does worry him.
Or you could look on the bright side- you gave him the ultimatum and it was the push he needed. He did not want to lose you so he told his ex that he's in a relationship. For all you know it's a weight off her mind- she might have been carrying the burden of his single ton ness (?), wishing he would move on so she was free of him.
I used to be a proliferant poster on this forum but have calmed down over the last couple of years
Anyway I’ve been lurking a while over this forum to see if I can find answers to my problem but so far I’m still confused.
I’ve been seeing someone for nearly 2 years and he didn’t want a relationship (although he's changed his tune), I thought I could change him, like you do! He works with me although I work in the daytime and he works at night. Anyway he’s very secretive about his private life always has been and no one really knows what’s going on with him I don’t know why but he’s just like this. He does tell me of course but doesn’t tell every Tom, Dick and Harry, not even friends.
At first I didn’t want anyone at work to know we were seeing each other so it was fine but after a few months I didn’t want to keep it a secret as it was obvious it wasn't just a fling. He said he would be annoyed if I told anyone but I did and he was fine with it. To cut a long story short over the last few months we have become a lot closer but he wouldn’t tell his ex wife and kids about me. In July I said I wanted to end things (have said it many times because of his inability to tell them and have a proper relationship with me) and I kept away from him for nearly a week. He turned up at my house and said he couldn’t bear not to see me and would tell them and sort things out. To be fair he didn't say when.
Well here we are 4 months down the line and he still hasn’t told them, after shouting his head off and forcing him into it he said he was worried his ex would turn his kids against him. But they are 19 and 15 so are old enough to understand, plus him and his ex wife have been divorced for years and separated for more years. Thing is he still lives like he’s married and I’ve only recently found that out. He goes to their house and cooks tea, he says to make sure his kids have a good meal as she can’t cook.
A few weeks ago I changed my facebook status to in a relationship and everyone at work knew it was him, he didn’t mind and thought it was funny the comments he got at work as not only a few people know now but everyone.
I’ve asked for a man’s opinion on our relationship and they think he sees me as a bit of fun but he says that isn't true, he doesn’t act that way and I don’t believe he does, but I’m confused as to why he still keeps me a secret. He has told his sister and it’s slowly getting there but I’ve so had enough now he’s had long enough to tell his ex and kids and told him that but he won’t leave me alone. We have a connection that is hard to break and I’m trying so hard to do it because this confusion is driving me nuts
I am at the minute refusing to see him and am not being nice when he texts me but he ignores it and thinks everything will be fine. I know he will tell them one day but it's sending me loopy right now and by the time he tells them it will be too late for me
Comments
Thanks I intend to get out, but I know he's not likely to let me walk away. I know it's going to be hard and it makes it even harder that I will be working with him sometimes now.
I have told him I'm moving on and we're done but like I said he won't accept it.
his 'kids' are 19 and 15, there is absolutely no need to spend time at his ex wifes in order to see them! OP, its time to grow a set, put up or shut up.
I know that which is why I've decided to end things, I know he has said things will change soon but I'm not waiting around to find out. I think talking about it on here (which I found extremely hard to do) and getting it out of my system has given me a set never mind him
Perhaps it's time for a change of job too, if possible.
I can't imagine it being easy to do a total split from someone whilst having to still work alongside him and both of your shared friends.
I know it might not be practical or financially viable to do so, but if possible and you have the job skills and experience to change, then I'd go down that route.
I feel for you. It takes a lot of courage and strength to finish it.
The bloke I was involved with wouldn't let it end either, hence the dragging on of 13 years.
Initially I was flattered that he put so much effort into still pursuing me, and I did think he was going to change his situation, but he never truly committed to us 100%, and I was always last in the queue when it came to consideration. In the end I knew I deserved better than that because I had 100% to give whereas he either couldn't or wouldn't but refused to admit that.
You deserve more and better. Be true to yourself, there's nothing worse than being lonely in a relationship.
Wishing you all the best.
Hi JTW
It's really difficult to get another job at the moment they just aren't about right now, The thing is I have 2 jobs there, one in the day and some extra hours at night. Plus it's the NHS, and whilst the pay isn't great, the benefits counteract that.
Basically I'm stuck at least for a few months anyway.
Thanks I hope it's ok too
He's still trying now and doesn't believe it's over. He keeps saying things will change in time and to be honest they have quite a lot over the last few months but it's how long am I prepared to wait for the rest of it.
He'll get the message eventually
hope your getting on ok
I wish I was, I'm gutted but thank you for your wishes
Sorry I didn't reply to you, I'm looking back on the answers I received and yours I did notice first time round.
He doesn't see that he doesn't put me first, that's the stupid thing, I had an operation recently and as I work at a hospital I went into work that morning, then walked down the corridor to where I was going and he was waiting there for me to wish me luck. Then a few hours later when I was still quite delirious he came to see me then. He came back and took me home later.
When I go on a night out he will wait till late on to give me and my sis a lift home or come and meet us for a bit, but only if I ask him to.
He's not a bad person at all I just think he doesn't know how to be with someone and lately I've split up with him more times than we've had hot dinners. He says every time, 'only you say we're not together' he just doesn't get that this time I've had enough
Thing is we're talking to people in our locality so most of them talk like I do and would probably be comforted by the accent.
I don't mind her telling me I've done something wrong but to pick on my accent is a bit much and we've had words. I changed the wording so that word wasn't mentioned, but now she has issues with the word I've replaced it with :rolleyes:
I did speak to management but only because I work in that area and I was upset and asked if they had a problem with my telephone manner.
What the f*** is going on in my life right now :eek:
Just thought I'd update you, he's only gone and told his ex about me :eek: I really never thought it would happen and that he would drag it out but he's told her today.
I'm no longer a secret
This is so true yet it's startling how many of us (particularly women) make the unfortunate mistake.
*note to all women - imprint the above in your retina*
...it must still feel like a hollow victory that you had to leave him once, threaten to leave him and then have to give him an ultimatum for him to own your relationship. He didn't do this of his own volition. All that's really happened is the anti has been upped. The (ex) wife will start creating more now and your man will continue to oblige her.
I might also add, if what he says is true and he's doing this for the children - I must applaud him to the highest. To my certain mind, the parenting role is an eternal one, unbroken by future relationships either parent may entertain. So if he's doing for his children - more power to him.
Gosh! So where does that leave the two of you? Do you believe him that he has told her?
To be fair he did want to tell them and I saw him not long before he did, he was really troubled and said he did want to be with me and wanted to tell them and has for a long time. I did feel for him as I could see how hard it was going to be and he was pacing up and down. He was worried for financial reasons too, but to give him credit he did tell her.
You're right though about his ex he says she is ok for now but he isn't sure whether she will cause problems and it does worry him.
Yes he isn't a liar that I do know and he has now started wanting us to do things more as a couple.
Time will tell, who knows what will happen, as far as I can see it's only the beginning now and there will more than likely be troubles ahead
Go out with his brother instead.
Worries about ex turning kids against him and one is an adult the other almost there.
Talk about telling tall flipping tales.
He's got you both where he wants you, stringing you along and the ex wife without having any responsibilities or committment to either of you.
If you want a future the same as your past two years carry one. He's got it all, he's not going to change.
Sorry and all that but you did ask.
I read that far XD
nah he's playing you by the sound of it!