Not Politics Thread - tell a joke

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  • belly buttonbelly button Posts: 17,026
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    Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really really good at it.
  • TrollHunterTrollHunter Posts: 12,496
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    I'm thinking of changing careers and I reckon my ideal job would be cleaning and polishing mirrors.

    I could really see myself doing that.
  • missy83missy83 Posts: 14,299
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    The only joke I know...

    How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

    Put in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.
  • archiverarchiver Posts: 13,011
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    I'm thinking of changing careers and I reckon my ideal job would be cleaning and polishing mirrors.

    I could really see myself doing that.
    You'd probably have to do windows as well. Which would be a pane.
  • Bulletguy1Bulletguy1 Posts: 18,429
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    The only one i can remember! :blush:

    Three men, Irish, American and Japanese guy standing at the bar in a pub having a drink.

    Japanese guy starts talking into his hand. Irishman asks him what he's doing. "I've got a mobile phone implanted in my hand" Jap man replies.

    American guy is staring at his wrist. Irishman asks him what he's doing. "I've got a miniature television implanted in my wrist" he replies.

    Irishman excuses himself and goes off to the toilet. Ten minutes later he returns and his two friends start laughing at him, "you've got a load of paper hanging out of your pants".

    Irishman tells them, "i know.....i've just received a fax".
  • BeenbagBeenbag Posts: 567
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    I will sneak one more in, as the bishop said to the actress

    Two racehorses in the stable yard, one turned to the other and said "I don't know what's
    happining lately, every time I get to the last fence I pull up"
    At the same time a greyhound was walking by and said " same here, every time I come in to the last bend I pull up"
    "f&@k me" said the the racehorse " I didn't know greyhounds could talk! ":D
  • dave clarkedave clarke Posts: 1,037
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    Man and duck go into pub man says "pint for me and one for my mate" Barman says he's not serving a duck The duck says "come on mate I've had a hard day on the building site plastering"
    Barman says "wow ok then" serves them both then says to the man " you must be able to make a fortune with that duck he's incredible"
    "Don't believe him do you, he only mixes the plaster and there's always lumps in it"
  • muggins14muggins14 Posts: 61,844
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    Man goes for a job at Ikea. He walks into the interview room, the manager turns to him and says "Hi there, make a chair and take a seat" :D
  • belly buttonbelly button Posts: 17,026
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    During the recent refurbishment of the Dublin Central Library a book that had been lost for many years was found down the back of some shelves. When dusted off, the title read:
    IRISH DANCING PART 2
    (ARM MOVEMENTS).

    :D:D:D


    I went to the local DVD shop and I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
    He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

    Can't post it, but Gilbert Gottfreid reading Fifty Shades of Grey made me smile .
  • lordo350lordo350 Posts: 3,633
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    Why did the bird go to the restaurant?

    T'weet
  • newda898newda898 Posts: 5,464
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    A guy goes to the hardware store to buy some insecticide.

    He holds up a box and asks the store manager, " Is this stuff good for beetles?"

    The manager replies, " No, it'll kill 'em"
  • man_bear_pigman_bear_pig Posts: 441
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    Why do gorillas paint their balls red?
    So they can hide in cherry trees.

    How did tarzan die?
    He was picking cherries.
  • man_bear_pigman_bear_pig Posts: 441
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    Whats the difference between a weasel and a stoat?

    A weasel is weasily recognised and a stoat is stoatally different!
  • bazzaroobazzaroo Posts: 6,848
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    My cleaning lady is really getting on my nerves. She keeps asking me to move out and now she wants a bloody divorce!
  • Eddie BadgerEddie Badger Posts: 6,005
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    As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams;
    "I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”
    The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters
    "Too late mate, I’ve already done the paperwork".
  • Eddie BadgerEddie Badger Posts: 6,005
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    My wife's been missing for a week and now the police have told me to expect the worst. So I'm off to the charity shop to get her clothes back.
  • KJ44KJ44 Posts: 38,093
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    How do you save money when you have Parkinson's? Take a nice hot bath with your dirty washing.
    I have PD, I like sick jokes
  • Rich Tea.Rich Tea. Posts: 22,048
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    This weekend the Ann Summer's shop chain received their biggest ever single order for "lube".

    60 million bottles ordered by the Tories as they prepare to screw us all for the next 5 years.






    Politics - whoops! :o
  • 123keithy123123keithy123 Posts: 351
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    (My Favourite Joke)

    When i was younger,
    I used to get whipped by cream, beaten by eggs, and people used to throw cherries at me in the middle of the street.

    It was hard growing up in the gateau.


    Favourite (Adultish joke)

    When I was younger i had a fairy godmother and she said to me Kevin!!
    You can either have a long memory or a long willy.

    I cant remember which one i said now.
  • R82n8R82n8 Posts: 3,656
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    What has four legs and goes "Shssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssh?"

    Rod Hull's television.
  • ElyanElyan Posts: 8,781
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    Paddy is going off to England, and Mrs Dunne who lives in his village asks him to look out for her son Nealy, who she hasn't heard from in months.

    "Where does he live?" says Paddy.

    "I don't know the full address," says the mother, "He just said it was London, WC1."

    So Paddy heads off and when he gets off the plane he passes a door in the airport that says 'WC'. He goes in, and there are a row of doors numbered 1-5. He goes over and knocks on door No.1.

    "Yes?" says a voice.
    "Are you Nealy Dunne?"
    "Yes," says the voice, "But I don't have any paper."
    "Hah!" says Paddy, "That's no excuse for not writing to your mother."
  • Toby LaRhoneToby LaRhone Posts: 12,916
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    A policeman knocked on my door, showed me a photo of a woman and asked "Is this your wife?"
    I said "Yes".
    He said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus".
    I said "That's a bit harsh".

    A little old lady asked the chemist for a quarter of a viagra.
    He said "I'm afraid that's not enough to make your husband perform in bed"
    She said "No, but it's just enough to stop him pi$$ing on his slippers"
  • BermondseybrickBermondseybrick Posts: 1,256
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    A bug flew into my kitchen this morning and then exploded

    I think it was a jihaddy long legs
  • tanstaafltanstaafl Posts: 21,814
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    There were two boll weevils living out in Colorado.

    One went to Hollywood and became a very rich, very famous film star.

    The other just remained in Colorado and really did nothing much.

    In fact he was the lesser of two weevils.
  • farmer bobfarmer bob Posts: 27,595
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    Belter
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