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How do I accept that my relationship really is over?
LilMissBossy
Posts: 6,833 Forum Member
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My ex-girlfriend broke up with me in April. Initially she said that it was not her intention that we would never be in contact ever again and that she intended for us to be friends. However since the end of August she has been completely ignoring my texts and e-mails.
I have slowly come to the realisation that she intends to never speak to me again. Admittedly it has taken me a while...I am pretty crap when it comes to relationships.
I find this so hard to accept. How do you go from wanting to spend your whole life with someone and making plans for the future to completely cutting them out of your life? Why do people feel the need to pretend that the relationship never happened or that the other person no longer exists.
I have slowly come to the realisation that she intends to never speak to me again. Admittedly it has taken me a while...I am pretty crap when it comes to relationships.
I find this so hard to accept. How do you go from wanting to spend your whole life with someone and making plans for the future to completely cutting them out of your life? Why do people feel the need to pretend that the relationship never happened or that the other person no longer exists.
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In my experience, those who cope best don't try to hide away photos, reminders or memories; instead they embrace them; think "nice memories - it was good while it lasted" and move on.
There's no easy explanation for why people do that either, which I know probably isn't what you want to hear.
My friend's fiancee walked out on him after ten years together and never came back - just like that. Told him one morning she didn't love him any more and was gone by tea time.
It was incredibly difficult, but he got through it and is now married to someone else with two lovely children, so as much of an annoying cliche as it always is, time certainly does heal.
I think all you've really got to do going forward is to try and throw yourself in to doing other things. Spend time with your friends and family. Get involved in Christmas. Wear a Christmas Jumper even
As much as you feel horrible at the moment and want to try and work out why this has happened, it'll only make you feel even worse so try to take your mind off it as much as is possible and eventually, over time, you'll start to feel better and feel able to move forward. I can only wish you well
Yeah, I guess she was afraid that I was holding out hope of rekindling things (which I was) and so has decided that it is better to just cut ties completely. It just feels like such a let down. I find it so hard to trust in relationships and this was one time that I actually trusted completely....so I feel really let down.
But I will try to put it behind me and really focus on my Christmas plans - stop living in the past and start looking to the future.
The person left behind is unable to admit that the relationship is really over. They may continue to call the former partner even though that person wants to be left alone. Instead they may deny their feelings and not admit that they are upset about it at all.
Anger
The partner left behind may feel angry for the pain the leaving partner causes them. The partner left also might blame himself/herself.
Bargaining
After the anger stage, the one left behind may plead with their former partner by promising that whatever caused the breakup will never happen again. Example: “I can change. Please give me a chance."
Depression
Next, the person might feel discouraged that his or her bargaining plea did not convince the former partner to stay. This may send the person into depression causing disruption to life functions.
Acceptance
Moving on from the situation and the person is the last stage. The partner left behind accepts that the relationship is over and begins to move forward with his or her life. She or he may not be completely over the situation but is weary of going back and forth, so much so that they can accept the separation as reality
You have to stop trying to think why it ended, what you could have done differently. That way madness lies. Ever thine your mind wanders in that direction do something positive for yourself or somebody. Clean out your fridge or something! From experience, thinking about it, regurgitating everything is just like picking a scab. It will never heal.
OP there could be many reasons why she has cut off contact - not necessarily nasty.
I find it best to view different relationships as 'chapters' in my life - ie the end of a relationship is not a failure - it just marks the end of one particular chapter.
While you are clearly mourning the end of a chapter, one day - and such days can creep up on you - you will suddenly find yourself celebrating a new chapter and thinking 'woohoo'....
Can't wait for that day!! But at the moment, I am definitely not lookng for a new relationship. Not entirely over this one and need some time to get my head sorted out.
Will definitely try to regard it as a Chapter and stop thinking in such black and white terms.
It is difficult at the moment but with time it gets so much easier. Just remember all the other friends and things you have and concentrate on those rather than worry about what is not.
What good words there.
You got to make a firm decision move on. I know it is not easy but the harder you try the easier it gets. You got to get back to being you and to be in fit state to take any opportunities that might arise.
The important thing is to break the preoccupation you feel about this failed relationship.
Preoccupation is something we feel many times in our lifetime and it is useful to know how to deal with it.
Ive dated someone since then and also been on a lot of dates with some great people, i just havent met anyone where ive wanted it to be more than one date. I still miss the woman i was with and i know i will never forget her, whoever i meet in the future
I dont think people really listen to advice though do they once their emotions take over ?? I know i didnt. Emotions are strong things that win over logic.
The only thing that helps is time,. and more time passing
Its a very painful thing when you break up with someone that you still love
In my case i caused it, i broke it off with her in a moment of madness, and didnt get a second chance with her when i tried to explain shortly after what had been going on with me.
To reiterate what i said, its only the passing of time that may lessen your feelings
There will always be someone better out there!!
With 3.5 billion possible mates in the world none of us will ever find the one most suited to us, just sometimes takes a few goes to find someone in the top million!
I think for some people they have all these lofty ideas about remaining friends because they do care about that person but then realise that in reality it's actually quite hard to remain friends with an ex. Often it's better to just cut ties so you can both move on. They should have the courtesy to tell you but it's easier for them to just disappear. It is horrible though, I know I felt like crap after my ex's disappearing act but I decided he wasn't worth my time or energy getting upset over anymore.
It is weird how helpful this has been.....I was worried about sharing my private stuff on the internet but it has really helped having people to talk to - especially people who don't know me / us and who are not judging me.
I am struggling with the desire to contact her again and ask why she has completely stopped talking to me but so far, I have resisted the urge.
I still wish that I could go back in time and start over but I know that is an impossible dream and that even thinking about it will drive me mad.
The thing is that while you are pondering about the why and wherefore you are not moving on. You need a firm decision to put a stop to it.
It is a new way of thinking you need. People have been through it many times. Many are going through it right now.
You may one day find out or may not as the case may be. The important thing is to stop caring.
If you want to read a super emotionally charged thread then try this one
It had an interesting outcome.
You could also do worse that Google "forum relationship advice" and you will find a lot of forums devoted to purely relationships.
I went to see him in his new place a few times, to see our dog more than anything although that was probably an excuse. He had met someone else at that point and it was starting to get serious. He had a picture of her on the fridge! The first time was really weird as he offered to make me a cup of tea like a "guest". I cried all the way home as it shouldn't have been him in in new place, it should have been us together in our old place right? The last time I tried to make arrangements, he was a bit awkward over it and my OH made me realise it was time to let it go as it was just too upsetting both for me and the dog.
He got married to her two years ago - I knew about it through social network from his family, he actually said very little to be fair to him - and I had a complete meltdown in work the day before as I'd been bottling it all up (hadn't told anyone really as I was embarrassed) but that same knot was there every time I woke up about a week beforehand. It just felt like such a huge slap in the face in that he must have been really sure about her but was never quite sure about me.
He deleted me from stupid Facebook
There was a time I could never imagine him not being in my life in some form but I got there in the end. I'm still sad in a way but I'm with someone so much better now and better for me on every level. If it hadn't been for him, I would never have for through this - I think I'd still be hanging on to my ex's leg begging him not to leave me
So basically it's time. And listen to 21 by Adele if you haven't already. It may make you feel like your heart has been ripped out but it will hopefully take you through all the stages of denial, anger, grief and finally acceptance 💙
Aye. Take time to heal and move on. Don't let the experience make you bitter and cynical.