You've just over done the descriptions is all, the analogies are too much. Since when does anyone roll their tongue around their lips like a car going round a roundabout? If you can come up with a sexy analogy for imagery, use it, otherwise don't.
People reading your stories have their own imagination and the whole point of the erotic story is to stimulate the reader's imagination - not to do all the work for them and so stifle it.
Sticking to the tongue and lips thing as an example:
Rather than the poor analogy, how about you draw the reader's imagination towards what it does or how it feels?
"She moved her tongue around her lip like a car driving around a roundabout."
Could become more like:
"She slowly moved her tongue around, tasting her lips, leaving them glistening and wet."
Not fantastic, I know but I'm not putting any thought into it. However, it's already more sexy than a car.
With you I can never quite decide whether you're serious or trolling.
I'd be happy to help, but you need to give us a sense of context. Describe what's just happened in the scene enad where you're going next with it. A paragraph alone is nothing. I could post one of my paragraphs and you wouldn't have a clue what I'm on about.
With you I can never quite decide whether you're serious or trolling.
I'd be happy to help, but you need to give us a sense of context. Describe what's just happened in the scene enad where you're going next with it. A paragraph alone is nothing. I could post one of my paragraphs and you wouldn't have a clue what I'm on about.
They're trolling.
I've read the classic line 'like a car going round a roundabout' in a previous post on somebody's writing.
I've read the classic line 'like a car going round a roundabout' in a previous post on somebody's writing.
Yea, I'm going to go with this, especially as they also bumped the other comedy 'writing' thread. Oh well, suppose it kills some time for them in the holidays.
It has a sort of "Kate Mosse" (Sepulchre) thing, going on? The "French" connection etc. But, in similar way, when KM describes Rebooting a Laptop PC, in sensuous minutia, I can't help but chuckle a bit...
A slight case of overkill on the similes. And this one is a cracker "He felt her hot breath against his skin, like the warmth of a bonfire". Last time I was at a bonfire the heat from it nearly melted me.
OP. I note that you have posted this snippet on other forums and got loads of feedback. That was earlier this year but you don't seem to have taken any of it on board. I think if you want to be a writer you need to be prepared to take feedback and use it to improve your work.
" ...... her breasts wobbled up and down like two huge pink rasberry jellies ...... he throbbed inside her ..........they both cried out together in synchronised orgiastic ecstasy ........ later, exhaused and sated, they lay together naked by the flickering log fire, the flames playing over their satisfied bodies ..........sipping chamapgne and nibbling ferrero rocher (half price at Morrisions) ........ "
Thanks for all your responses everyone. I realise that I've made the writing a bit too obvious... I need to let my reader use their imagination a bit more, instead of me telling them what's happening all the time. And I realise grammar needs a bit of work.
I might make a few tweaks... and post some improvements.
Comments
You've just over done the descriptions is all, the analogies are too much. Since when does anyone roll their tongue around their lips like a car going round a roundabout? If you can come up with a sexy analogy for imagery, use it, otherwise don't.
People reading your stories have their own imagination and the whole point of the erotic story is to stimulate the reader's imagination - not to do all the work for them and so stifle it.
Sticking to the tongue and lips thing as an example:
Rather than the poor analogy, how about you draw the reader's imagination towards what it does or how it feels?
"She moved her tongue around her lip like a car driving around a roundabout."
Could become more like:
"She slowly moved her tongue around, tasting her lips, leaving them glistening and wet."
Not fantastic, I know but I'm not putting any thought into it. However, it's already more sexy than a car.
How to Write a Dirty Story: Reading, Writing and Publishing Erotica by Susie Bright 978-0743226233
Try these OP or maybe test it out on fanfiction sites before you go off hoping to be published. It will save you wasting your time.
sorry OP but I was about to post almost exactly the same thing
I'd be happy to help, but you need to give us a sense of context. Describe what's just happened in the scene enad where you're going next with it. A paragraph alone is nothing. I could post one of my paragraphs and you wouldn't have a clue what I'm on about.
They're trolling.
I've read the classic line 'like a car going round a roundabout' in a previous post on somebody's writing.
Yea, I'm going to go with this, especially as they also bumped the other comedy 'writing' thread. Oh well, suppose it kills some time for them in the holidays.
Is nobody here a fan of Family Guy?
" ...... her breasts wobbled up and down like two huge pink rasberry jellies ...... he throbbed inside her ..........they both cried out together in synchronised orgiastic ecstasy ........ later, exhaused and sated, they lay together naked by the flickering log fire, the flames playing over their satisfied bodies ..........sipping chamapgne and nibbling ferrero rocher (half price at Morrisions) ........ "
I dunno, I read some fanfiction the other day and it was damn awful!
Whatever your day job is - I suggest you give it your undivided attention.
If you want to read some (often very good) erotic fiction to see how it's done properly, check out Literotica.
Some people might enjoy it - horses for courses, and all that!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I might make a few tweaks... and post some improvements.