My friend's girlfriend left him yesterday for another man. He was very much in love with her and he (and I) thought she felt the same way. He was about to propose to her, showing how serious he was and so he is really devastated now.
Any advice on what I should do to cheer him up?
Any and all help will be greatly appreciated .
My heart was broke for 5 years when my boyfriend broke up with me, it only got mended when we got back together, married now, for 12 years
I phoned my friend's ex and she told me to tell him that she never actually loved my friend. She liked him and loved him as a friend, but not a lover.
I'm not sure whether or not to tell him. He is feeling a bit better.
Should I tell my friend this news or not?
I would feel gutted if I was told that - I would be devastated, especially as your mate is starting to feel slightly better, but I guess we're all different.
I would feel gutted if I was told that - I would be devastated, especially as your mate is starting to feel slightly better, but I guess we're all different.
Yeah, I guess you're right. Thanks .
I think I'll tell him. I'll use gentle and sensitive words to ease the pain.
I think I would just be thinking how I would feel. Perhaps knowing that she didn't love him will help him, I don't know, but be gentle as you say. Good luck.
I think I would just be thinking how I would feel. Perhaps knowing that she didn't love him will help him, I don't know, but be gentle as you say. Good luck.
Look at the ratio of misery to happiness that a huge number (if not most) people seem to experience as a result of the delusion of "romantic love" and do what you'd do if someone told you that if you regularly stuck pins in your eyes, once in a while you might get some pleasure from it.
Or alternatively learn to keep your emotions in check and never get carried away - however few people seem able to do this, bar the best Pick-Up Artists.
I am starting to agree with all this. Unfortunately I'm not one of those people that can just be casual and not have feelings (probably because I'm female). I wish I could.:(
Not because you're female at all. Most people are like that at one time or another - admittedly some more than others. It's a powerful biological imperative after all (and that's all romantic love is IMO, not some wonderful, metaphysical "force from above" or any such cobblers).
For most people, probably the only way to avoid getting sucked in and crushed with a greater or lesser frequency is to do what I do and avoid the whole thing.
It's not ideal of course. We're all human and I admit I sometimes get the pangs of getting to like someone. I might even get irrationally upset if I see them with another man ("irrationally" given that I wouldn't pursue them even if they were free).
However I find that if I "resist temptation" as it were, the disappointment wears off a lot more quickly and is far, far less devastating than the pain most people who play the game tend to experience. It often seems to be the difference between having a bad headache for a short while and breaking every bone in your body, ending up in hospital for months.
There's a hell of a lot to be said for the peace of mind of not stressing about someone in particular, or the lack of someone in general. Therefore I always slightly wince when I hear people offering well meaning pep-talks along the lines of "you'll find someone one day", "or you'll find someone better". It seems to me that a lot of people never find anyone - or eventually settle for what they can get and/or endure that particular relationship for a host of complex reasons other than having found the mythical "One".
As for finding someone "better", I'm not sure that's usually the case. People seem to simply recover and then get sucked in by their feelings for someone different. They will always find that person "better" if they get sucked in sufficiently. After all, someone's opinion of the person they're currently crazy about (and "crazy" is often an apt description) is rarely a case of objective truth. However I don't expect to convince anybody.
There's a hell of a lot to be said for the peace of mind of not stressing about someone in particular, or the lack of someone in general. Therefore I always slightly wince when I hear people offering well meaning pep-talks along the lines of "you'll find someone one day", "or you'll find someone better". It seems to me that a lot of people never find anyone - or eventually settle for what they can get and/or endure that particular relationship for a host of complex reasons other than having found the mythical "One".
You're a stronger person than I am. I tend to fight the urge to slap people when they tell me "there's a lid for every jar", "there is someone out there for everyone" or my own personal favourite "you'll find love when you least expect it", which tends to be wheeled out by smug marrieds.
At the end of the day all relationships end and most people end up alone, it's the truth. Because even if you are married to the same person for years one day one of you is going to die first. Then it must be even harder to be alone if you're not used to it. But if you choose to be single you'll never be in that position.
While abstaining from relationships altogether may help you avoid the pain of breakups, they also mean you never get to experience the giddy happiness of being in love and being loved back (in the romantic sense). While it may not last, it's a pleasure, however temporary, that I wouldn't want to live without.
I do agree with what LnMidna said about the annoying platitudes, and with carnivalist about how a lot of people end up settling, and some do end up alone.
At the end of the day all relationships end and most people end up alone, it's the truth. Because even if you are married to the same person for years one day one of you is going to die first. Then it must be even harder to be alone if you're not used to it. But if you choose to be single you'll never be in that position.
Tennyson's adage "'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is one of the more truthful things I've heard in my life. To have the glow of good memories to keep me warm when I'm eventually alone - that's important. For all the heartache and pain that love can bring, I firmly believe these are worthwhile experiences which allow us to truly feel. But maybe that's just me...
Tennyson's adage "'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is one of the more truthful things I've heard in my life. To have the glow of good memories to keep me warm when I'm eventually alone - that's important. For all the heartache and pain that love can bring, I firmly believe these are worthwhile experiences which allow us to truly feel. But maybe that's just me...
Yes I suppose if you're old and your partner dies you can have good memories etc (unless you get Alzheimers :eek:) But many many people go through life being constantly hurt in relationships (I speak from experience) so it's no surprise they eventually give up on love altogether.
..But many many people go through life being constantly hurt in relationships (I speak from experience) so it's no surprise they eventually give up on love altogether.
Yes, I do understand where you're coming from in that respect. Repeatedly coming out of relationships having your heart broken every time is the type of thing that would drive many to a single life...have certainly been in that position myself where I've questioned why would I ever put myself through anything like it again. After a while my instinct for self-protectionism just petered out. Have the feeling that the limit for that happening varies quite a lot, depending on the person and the situation.
The only thing I would add is 'never say never'. It's a couple of steps shy of the type of stuff I kept hearing last year like 'You'll find someone better' or 'plenty more fish in the sea'. Hearing that type of thing wound me up like nothing else!
I really sympathise with your freind, I went through the same thing around 6 months ago with my ex. My advice is don't let him be weak to his ex if she decides to start calling him saying that she's made a huge mistake, and wish that they never split up, coz believe it or not that's happened here and to this day she's still with this guy that she left me for
That's howmental some people can be because now I let her do this to me again, I need to try and get over her again, and it's the hardest thing in the world believe me!
While abstaining from relationships altogether may help you avoid the pain of breakups, they also mean you never get to experience the giddy happiness of being in love and being loved back (in the romantic sense). While it may not last, it's a pleasure, however temporary, that I wouldn't want to live without...
If you can cope with the downside, then fair enough. However I think the reality for a lot of (if not most) people is much different; they either delude themselves they can cope with the downside, or delude themselves that there won't be a downside ("we're made for each other", or "we're meant to be together" or some such cobblers) and end up getting seriously messed up for a greater or lesser period.
Tennyson's adage "'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is one of the more truthful things I've heard in my life... For all the heartache and pain that love can bring, I firmly believe these are worthwhile experiences which allow us to truly feel...
You won't be surprised to hear that I completely disagree.
That would be true if the majority of people could enter and leave relationships with some perspective. Unfortunately, because it's suits the evolutionary process to abandon individual self-interest/preservation for the benefit of the species as whole, that is seldom the case. It might sound selfish, but personally I couldn't give a stuff about abstract concepts such as the potential survival of the species, if it means that I have to undergo devastating emotional pain as a result. I'd prefer to get through life as contentedly as possible thank you very much.
It is fairly common for people to have their lives seriously messed up by romantic disappoitment - to become fixated on hopeless causes and so on, to the real detriment of their everyday lives in many cases.
I don't understand why devastating emotional pain is necessary for us to "truly feel" whatever that means. If you're correct, then I'm quite happy not "truly feeling" thank you very much. Give me contentment any day.
Yes I suppose if you're old and your partner dies you can have good memories etc (unless you get Alzheimers :eek:) But many many people go through life being constantly hurt in relationships (I speak from experience) so it's no surprise they eventually give up on love altogether.
TBH I think I'm a realist rather than a cynic.
I think you are too. But I think you'll find it's not what most people want to hear.
I agree with everything you say carnivalist. It is crazy. It's like an addiction. I wish I could swear off relationships for life but I'm weak.
Bathsheba, you really have to stop castigating yourself like this. You're not "weak" at all, nearly everyone is like you. I have already said that I get to like people every now and again. I just do my best to ebsure that I avoid getting into a situation where I might get carried away. It's a bit like an alcoholic developing strategies for not being around booze. Not an exact analogy, but hopefully an illuminating one.
Bathsheba, you really have to stop castigating yourself like this. You're not "weak" at all, nearly everyone is like you. I have already said that I get to like people every now and again. I just do my best to ebsure that I avoid getting into a situation where I might get carried away. It's a bit like an alcoholic developing strategies for not being around booze. Not an exact analogy, but hopefully an illuminating one.
Are you my 'boyfriend/ friend with benefits' because you sound just like him? Just kidding.
Comments
I'm not sure whether or not to tell him. He is feeling a bit better.
Should I tell my friend this news or not?
My heart was broke for 5 years when my boyfriend broke up with me, it only got mended when we got back together, married now, for 12 years
Yes, you should it will help him in the long run - I think, but I am no expert on these things.:):)
Why on earth would she want to pass this message on, does she think this going to make him feel better?
She's put you in a difficult position here, but I wouldn't say anything, it would make him feel so much worse, but he really is better off out of it.
I would feel gutted if I was told that - I would be devastated, especially as your mate is starting to feel slightly better, but I guess we're all different.
I think I'll tell him. I'll use gentle and sensitive words to ease the pain.
Thanks a lot for your advice and your luck
Not because you're female at all. Most people are like that at one time or another - admittedly some more than others. It's a powerful biological imperative after all (and that's all romantic love is IMO, not some wonderful, metaphysical "force from above" or any such cobblers).
For most people, probably the only way to avoid getting sucked in and crushed with a greater or lesser frequency is to do what I do and avoid the whole thing.
It's not ideal of course. We're all human and I admit I sometimes get the pangs of getting to like someone. I might even get irrationally upset if I see them with another man ("irrationally" given that I wouldn't pursue them even if they were free).
However I find that if I "resist temptation" as it were, the disappointment wears off a lot more quickly and is far, far less devastating than the pain most people who play the game tend to experience. It often seems to be the difference between having a bad headache for a short while and breaking every bone in your body, ending up in hospital for months.
There's a hell of a lot to be said for the peace of mind of not stressing about someone in particular, or the lack of someone in general. Therefore I always slightly wince when I hear people offering well meaning pep-talks along the lines of "you'll find someone one day", "or you'll find someone better". It seems to me that a lot of people never find anyone - or eventually settle for what they can get and/or endure that particular relationship for a host of complex reasons other than having found the mythical "One".
As for finding someone "better", I'm not sure that's usually the case. People seem to simply recover and then get sucked in by their feelings for someone different. They will always find that person "better" if they get sucked in sufficiently. After all, someone's opinion of the person they're currently crazy about (and "crazy" is often an apt description) is rarely a case of objective truth. However I don't expect to convince anybody.
You're a stronger person than I am. I tend to fight the urge to slap people when they tell me "there's a lid for every jar", "there is someone out there for everyone" or my own personal favourite "you'll find love when you least expect it", which tends to be wheeled out by smug marrieds.
While abstaining from relationships altogether may help you avoid the pain of breakups, they also mean you never get to experience the giddy happiness of being in love and being loved back (in the romantic sense). While it may not last, it's a pleasure, however temporary, that I wouldn't want to live without.
I do agree with what LnMidna said about the annoying platitudes, and with carnivalist about how a lot of people end up settling, and some do end up alone.
Tennyson's adage "'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is one of the more truthful things I've heard in my life. To have the glow of good memories to keep me warm when I'm eventually alone - that's important. For all the heartache and pain that love can bring, I firmly believe these are worthwhile experiences which allow us to truly feel. But maybe that's just me...
Yes I suppose if you're old and your partner dies you can have good memories etc (unless you get Alzheimers :eek:) But many many people go through life being constantly hurt in relationships (I speak from experience) so it's no surprise they eventually give up on love altogether.
TBH I think I'm a realist rather than a cynic.
Yes, I do understand where you're coming from in that respect. Repeatedly coming out of relationships having your heart broken every time is the type of thing that would drive many to a single life...have certainly been in that position myself where I've questioned why would I ever put myself through anything like it again. After a while my instinct for self-protectionism just petered out. Have the feeling that the limit for that happening varies quite a lot, depending on the person and the situation.
The only thing I would add is 'never say never'. It's a couple of steps shy of the type of stuff I kept hearing last year like 'You'll find someone better' or 'plenty more fish in the sea'. Hearing that type of thing wound me up like nothing else!
That's howmental some people can be because now I let her do this to me again, I need to try and get over her again, and it's the hardest thing in the world believe me!
I told me friend what his ex said. He seems to be doing slightly better. He's still clearly hung up about it but he's doing better than before.
I also haven't heard from his ex since she last phoned him. She hasn't been in contact with him either, as for as I know.
If you can cope with the downside, then fair enough. However I think the reality for a lot of (if not most) people is much different; they either delude themselves they can cope with the downside, or delude themselves that there won't be a downside ("we're made for each other", or "we're meant to be together" or some such cobblers) and end up getting seriously messed up for a greater or lesser period.
You won't be surprised to hear that I completely disagree.
That would be true if the majority of people could enter and leave relationships with some perspective. Unfortunately, because it's suits the evolutionary process to abandon individual self-interest/preservation for the benefit of the species as whole, that is seldom the case. It might sound selfish, but personally I couldn't give a stuff about abstract concepts such as the potential survival of the species, if it means that I have to undergo devastating emotional pain as a result. I'd prefer to get through life as contentedly as possible thank you very much.
It is fairly common for people to have their lives seriously messed up by romantic disappoitment - to become fixated on hopeless causes and so on, to the real detriment of their everyday lives in many cases.
I don't understand why devastating emotional pain is necessary for us to "truly feel" whatever that means. If you're correct, then I'm quite happy not "truly feeling" thank you very much. Give me contentment any day.
I think you are too. But I think you'll find it's not what most people want to hear.
Bathsheba, you really have to stop castigating yourself like this. You're not "weak" at all, nearly everyone is like you. I have already said that I get to like people every now and again. I just do my best to ebsure that I avoid getting into a situation where I might get carried away. It's a bit like an alcoholic developing strategies for not being around booze. Not an exact analogy, but hopefully an illuminating one.
Are you my 'boyfriend/ friend with benefits' because you sound just like him?
Thank you all for your help.
I really appreciate it.