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nyc & pregnant dilema. husband angry
As some of you know I'm pregnant, very sick and terrified of flying.
Were supposed to be going to new York in just under 4 weeks time for our 2nd wedding anniversary and my 30th birthday, its a dream holiday and has taken a lot of my husbands savings to pay for.
We booked it about a month or so before I was pregnant, I've been suffering terrible sickness, and I'm on my 2nd bottle of anti sickness medication from the doctor, im not getting sick every day now but its when I'm hungry, anxious or have a bout of IBS (which is also brought on by hunger and anxiety) I'm getting violently sick.
I'm absolutely terrified of flying (I've only flown twice before, to Malaya and back, I'd swore I'd never do it again), I used to be agoraphobic, and I still get anxious being away from home and being with people, just going to the surgery to meet my midwife made me very very sick.
I've told my husband I don't want to go, I just feel so poorly, I'm terrified of being sick away from home, especially 30,000 feet up in the air with all those people. Its affected my panic attacks again so even going on short train journeys is very daunting for me and I feel sick with nerves, I'm too anxious to eat in cafes and restaurants again.
Anyway tonight after telling him how I feel, he got out of bed and wouldn't come back to bed because he was angry at me and "needed to think".
Eventually, only after telling him he should go back to bed and I'll sleep downstairs since he obviously can't bear to be in the same room as me, he went back up and made me go with him.
He told me I have to make my mind up about new York by tonight, and if we dont go he'll be angry and will find it very hard to fogive me.
If we don't go I'd be relieved, but I cannot bare the angry silent treatment for the next 5 months until the baby is born!
I just feel either way I can't win, both situations will make me feel horrid and I don't know what to do. Would welcome any input.
Thank you
Were supposed to be going to new York in just under 4 weeks time for our 2nd wedding anniversary and my 30th birthday, its a dream holiday and has taken a lot of my husbands savings to pay for.
We booked it about a month or so before I was pregnant, I've been suffering terrible sickness, and I'm on my 2nd bottle of anti sickness medication from the doctor, im not getting sick every day now but its when I'm hungry, anxious or have a bout of IBS (which is also brought on by hunger and anxiety) I'm getting violently sick.
I'm absolutely terrified of flying (I've only flown twice before, to Malaya and back, I'd swore I'd never do it again), I used to be agoraphobic, and I still get anxious being away from home and being with people, just going to the surgery to meet my midwife made me very very sick.
I've told my husband I don't want to go, I just feel so poorly, I'm terrified of being sick away from home, especially 30,000 feet up in the air with all those people. Its affected my panic attacks again so even going on short train journeys is very daunting for me and I feel sick with nerves, I'm too anxious to eat in cafes and restaurants again.
Anyway tonight after telling him how I feel, he got out of bed and wouldn't come back to bed because he was angry at me and "needed to think".
Eventually, only after telling him he should go back to bed and I'll sleep downstairs since he obviously can't bear to be in the same room as me, he went back up and made me go with him.
He told me I have to make my mind up about new York by tonight, and if we dont go he'll be angry and will find it very hard to fogive me.
If we don't go I'd be relieved, but I cannot bare the angry silent treatment for the next 5 months until the baby is born!
I just feel either way I can't win, both situations will make me feel horrid and I don't know what to do. Would welcome any input.
Thank you
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Comments
Exactly this and what a bloody fool for booking this holiday in the first place given your anxiety issues and known fear of flying.
Did you discuss and agree him booking it before he did?
He sounds like a completely selfish git.
Me? I'd tell him to go on his own as his hatefull attitude has taken any of the joy there would have been out of the celebration it was designed to be and I needed some space from him.
Selfish, unkind, unloving.
Did your husband book it without asking you?
Love and the well being of those we love trumps everything else.
My advice? Hard as it will seem, put your foot down, tell him to get over it and Don't feel guilty or bad ... your body is telling you what you need right now and it's certainly not all this bloody stress.
Fair enough he's upset and disappointed but to hold you to emotional ransom in this childish and unpleasant way is
unkind and horrid.
I hope you start to feel better soon you poor dear.
I'm sure the whole situation will be relegated to its rightful place as not really that important when he gazes into the face of his new born in a few months xx
The first post infers that they both booked it so the husband is not a bloody fool or a selfish git
This advice is spot on and I hope by now you're sleeping Mrs. M., but he sounds like the kind of man that'd wake you up to make his breakfast! As if you aren't worried enough, he's being cruel threatening you to be afraid of more anger to come! Time to put you and your baby first - let HIM go, it'll do you the power of good to have a break from all this!
"and if we dont go he'll be angry and will find it very hard to forgive me."
This alone highlights how verbally intimidating this man is. If you live with someone like this, especially if you're feeling vulnerable, it becomes easier to keep the peace..... that is until something has to give. The worry and anxiety is making her very unwell and this isn't good. I'm pretty sure her doctor would advise against it.
Have to say though I've just read how acute the OP's fear of flying is in another thread and at 23 weeks pregnancy, to be that terrified is surely not a good idea?
He's acting like a controlling bully, and the health of you and your baby should be worth more to him than a holiday.
On the contrary, he insisted she have the bed and even joined her in it so she would rest!
He said he'd be angry - big deal! I get angry with my husband, he gets angry with me. But usually because we're either frustrated or disappointed with each other and I think to assume the OPs husband is an intimidating bully just from one forum post involving a situation whère he was clearly looking forward to the trip is a wee bit over dramatic!
Read the post again, that is not how it happened...
Even if it was a "known medical condition" at the time he might claim extenuating circumstances.
As to the "advice" you don't use emotional blackmail to force a pregnant woman to do something she now doesn't want to do even if he's angry you went along with booking it (if you did?).
What on earth made you book such a long flight in the first place if you are terrified of flying please may I ask?
You husband is obviously very disappointed that you no longer wish to go, especially as you said in your post that he has spent all his/your savings on the planned trip away together to celebrate the two occasions.
Hopefully if you do have to cancel the insurance may help with that.
Do you think you my change your mind though about going?
It could be a wonderful thing for you both to do together before the baby is born.
There must be some positives about going you could possibly try to see about going on this planned trip.
Your man is reacting the way he is as he is just so disappointed that is all.
I do not see him as a bully or a selfish git, I see him as a man who wanted to take his lovely wife on a fantastic holiday for your wedding anni and birthday and that all looks like it may well have the plug pulled on it now as you no longer want to go.
In the end he can not make you go if you really feel you are not well enough to go.
I am sure he would not want to force you into going anyway.
Surely no man would make yours and his life a misery with the 'angry silent treatment' for 5 months though just as you do not want to go.
He may well sulk for a while and be pissed off with you, but that will pass soon enough.
Anyway I hope you can both sort this out in a reasonable manner between yourselves.
Sorry, been up since 5am....
To be clear, we booked the holiday together, new York is somewhere we'd both always wanted to go, and it was booked as a "getting better" treat. Id been agoraphobic for over 10 years, varying in degrees, the worst time being bed bound for 2 - 3 years with it and very poorly.
I started taking Citalopram in Jauary 13 and it completely changed my life, i could do things, simple things, id always dreamed of but were impossible before, such as take the train, go shopping, eat at a resturant, things i hadnt done for over a decade.
We booked our first abroad holiday, to Spain, in about May time last year, and although I was anxious all the way through I had no regrets about going.
With a lot of encouragement, I decided New York would be my next challenge, I'd have 9 months to keep on battling through my fears, and its had only taken a few months to get my life "back" after starting citalopram but it seemed so easy.
However, I discovered I was pregnant in Novemeber, New York was still "on", I felt confident I could do it, I'd been working so hard at getting myself mentally ready, the people, the airport, the big city, non of that phased me. I knew I'd always be terrified of flying but I could cope.
However 9 weeks into pregnancy, morning sickness hit (I had an eating disorder for over 10 years brought on by my fear of vomitting), it was all day sickness, plus when I was hungry or full, tired, anxious, you name it, it made me vomit!
My doctor prescribed anti sickness medication, but as I wrote in my first post, I'm still getting very sick and my mental health has suffered as a consequence, all those things that were easy to do last year are now so far away again.
My husband is not a monster, he's just been very much looking forward to this holiday and I keep saying I'll go, and then that I don't feel I can, especially recently, and after bad bouts of sickness.
Our insurance does not cover morning sickness, or mental health issues and we stand to lose around a £1000, luckily we do not have to pay for our hotel until we arrive so that is the flight money we stand to lose.
I briefly spoken to my husband this morning and we had a cuddle, he said he would be very disappointed and like last night, how it would be hard to forgive straight away, but whatever happens he'd still love me.
I just know my husband, I know I'd get the silent treatment, OK not until July, but it would be very uncomfortable and stressful.
I've already been very sick this morning due to being upset and anxious all night. But I know I have to put my mental health, and the affect it can have on baby, first.
He also said whatever happens we need to work on getting me well again.
I hope that makes things clearer. Thank you again
In fact forget that....I'll go!
Seriously...it's not worth harming yourself or the baby, let him go and stay home