You should each go to your own families, see each other in the evening if that's possible but if not, so what? You see each other the other 364 days of the year and Christmas is for doing the big family thing.
My brother and his wife did exactly this for 13 years, each going to their own families for Xmas and Boxing Day (as their parents lived some way apart). Only when they had children did it have to change to alternate years.
We'll be going out for Christmas dinner, my parents hate my husband and I don't particularly want to spend it with the outlaws, so easiest thing, stay at home or go out.:)
OP You sound young and, as an older person, my advice would be .... do what you want to do. Just do it - whether you stay at home or visit someone. I wouldn't get involved with alternating, making complicated plans etc. I just wouldn't.
I can't stick making arrangements and planning out my life. When we started a family it was easier to spend Xmas at home rather than carting presents, food & baby gear around. I used to issue invitations to Xmas lunch some years to various family members .... if they came, all well and good if not, no problem. I just can't be doing with all this "we promised so & so we'd go there this year" or "can we come to you next year as we've already made arrangements."
I think we all know the situation I'm talking about. My partner, who by this point I'll have lived with for 6 months and been with for two and a half years, and I both have families to visit and neither of them live anywhere near each other. This, of course, is a problem.
The problem is compounded by the fact that I have spent every Christmas Day of my life entirely with my parents and sister, including waking up in the morning and going to bed at night. We are an incredibly close family and moving out has been emotional enough. The idea of not having a traditional Christmas would wrack me with guilt and sadness and would probably break my parents' hearts on the day you want to do that the least.
On the other hand, it would be incredibly weird and truly upsetting to have Christmas Day be the only day of the year where I don't wake up next to my boyfriend. He means everything to me and I seriously can't come to terms with the idea of spending Christmas apart from him. The third option is to have him stay with me, which I think he would have mixed feelings about to say the least. He would love being with me in my house, no question. But he would hate being apart from his whole family. Last year we both stayed with our families and his family came round to ours for a few hours in the afternoon. It worked fine, but now we live together it's not really an option to spend Christmas apart. The tricky bit is working out between us who to let down.
Thoughts?
I haven't read every bit of every post, so apologies if this has been covered one way or another, but both you and your b/f have grown up and moved out of your respective parents' houses. You talk about your 'traditional Christmas', but now it's time for you to and your b/f to start your own tradition, not cling to the ones your parents instilled in you. Do your parents really expect you to still spend Christmas day with them, even after you've moved in with your b/f? Have they said or implied that? Trust me, whatever 'compromise' you come up with, you will piss off as many people as you please, including your b/f, and surely he's the one person you want to make happy (and vice versa)? I was in this situation many years ago, and my g/f (as was) and I made the decision that as long as there were no extenuating circumstances, we wouldn't ever be visiting people on Christmas day. They were welcome to come to us, but on that one day, we wanted to relax and eat, drink and watch what we want, when we want, which you just can't do when you're stressed out about whom to visit and when. Our respective parents don't live too far from us, or each other, so we visit both sets on Christmas Eve to exchange presents, then again on Boxing Day, but Christmas Day runs to our rules, not theirs.
I always find these kind of threads interesting as no one in my family would be bothered about who is spending where on Christmas day. I mean what, you turn up, open presents, watch tv together for a bit, eat dinner, then watch tv for a bit more, then eat tea, then go home. It's not a big deal for us. Last year I went away for the entire Christmas period by myself and it was great to avoid all the hype.
I couldn't bare to be part of one of those families where you spend weeks and hundreds (even thousands) of pounds preparing for one day of the year. I'd rather enjoy every day
Well said and perhaps we should also spare a thought for those who have no choice but to spend every Christmas on their own ......
My ideal xmas would be to wake up early xmas morning with my oh, take the dog for a walk while its early and quiet. Then get home, stick the heating on, put pyjamas back on and spend the day eating and drinking what we like and watching what we want on tv! We could spend xmas eve visiting one side of the family and boxing day with the other.
But as my partner seems to do nothing other than pander to all his families wishes that will never happen!
last year was my first Christmas living with my partner. my first Christmas in 20 years without my family , its definitely a change. i spent the day at home with him and our cat because that was my new family and the previous Christmas was torture , we was apart and due to the holiday affecting public transport it was a long time apart. there was no way we wasn't going to be together that Christmas. instead we went to his parents on boxing day because they live 10 minutes down the road and my parents came on new years eve. so we all saw our families over the holidays.
it all comes down to what works best for you both and your families. that way was best for us. my dad is miserable over Christmas so i was quite happy to be with my fiance who loves Christmas. what i will say is there is something magical about your first Christmas with the person you love. it was my best Christmas ever. being your first one I'd say stay at home. you've both spent all your Christmases with your family , have a change. there's always boxing day or new years to see family.
I have the same problem every year, and the simplest way for us is to alternate, if you go to your folks this year then you boyfriend will have to deal with it, and likewise you'll have to live with it if you go to his. Both families will understand the situation but don't confuse their inevitable disappointment as them being angry and upset with you, it's just the realities of being in a couple. Every couple has two sets of parents to consider, they don't magically (or unfortunately ) disappear overnight once you started dating.
If you can't decide this year, either stay at home or flip a coin, don't turn into an annual source of stress though, establish a routine and everything will become easier.
I haven't read every bit of every post, so apologies if this has been covered one way or another, but both you and your b/f have grown up and moved out of your respective parents' houses. You talk about your 'traditional Christmas', but now it's time for you to and your b/f to start your own tradition, not cling to the ones your parents instilled in you. Do your parents really expect you to still spend Christmas day with them, even after you've moved in with your b/f? Have they said or implied that? Trust me, whatever 'compromise' you come up with, you will piss off as many people as you please, including your b/f, and surely he's the one person you want to make happy (and vice versa)? I was in this situation many years ago, and my g/f (as was) and I made the decision that as long as there were no extenuating circumstances, we wouldn't ever be visiting people on Christmas day. They were welcome to come to us, but on that one day, we wanted to relax and eat, drink and watch what we want, when we want, which you just can't do when you're stressed out about whom to visit and when. Our respective parents don't live too far from us, or each other, so we visit both sets on Christmas Eve to exchange presents, then again on Boxing Day, but Christmas Day runs to our rules, not theirs.
I agree with all of your advice, but that one bit is terrible, no offence! Parents don't stop being important the minute you step outside the door, and it sounds like the OP is close to hers. The one person she should worry about making happy is herself, whether it's by asking her boyfriend to come along or by deciding to spend the day with her parents.
My nan's (on my mother's side) birthday is on the 1st January, so my dad always has to spend New Year's Eve with my mum's family. Similarly, I have never been able to spend New Years Eve with friends because my nan takes it very personally (and I'm her favourite ).The one time we went abroad for New Years caused major upset. I feel sorry for my dad, but that's married life - all about what the wife wants
I agree with all of your advice, but that one bit is terrible, no offence! Parents don't stop being important the minute you step outside the door, and it sounds like the OP is close to hers. The one person she should worry about making happy is herself, whether it's by asking her boyfriend to come along or by deciding to spend the day with her parents.
Call me crazy, but I can't see it that way. If the OP wants to put her own happiness above everyone else's, including her b/f's, then that's her perogative of course, but at what cost? Of course she's close to her parents, as I am to mine, but I'm closer to my wife, and if I had to choose for some bizzare reason, she'd obviously 'win'. If she decides to spend the day with her parents and tells him he can either like it or lump it, how is that better for their relationship than both of them trying to do something that makes them both happy? ATEOTD, she doesn't live with her parents anymore, she lives with her b/f. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but when you're in a committed couple - as the OP would appear to be - you try to make each other happy, not simply dictate what you're going to do whether they like it or not.
Last year we had a Christmas day at ours, several days after Christmas. We had family round who we hadn't seen. We gave presents, we had a big dinner and we played daft games. We have quite a few family members who we want to see, but you can't do it all on one day, or two days if you count Boxing Day. My mother-in-law always has a Christmas day before Christmas. This flexible approach means Christmas lasts for ages, and everyone can have a go at it. We always say Christmas isn't just one day, it's many days
My husbands family wasn't really THAT into Christmas. When we got together we got into a routine straight away. He didn't mind what we did to be fair, so we always spend Christmas Day at my parents house. Boxing Day was always spent at my husbands parents house.
The main problem for us at the moment is the fact that my husband has to work occasionally on Christmas Day, which really puts a spanner in the works !
Call me crazy, but I can't see it that way. If the OP wants to put her own happiness above everyone else's, including her b/f's, then that's her perogative of course, but at what cost? Of course she's close to her parents, as I am to mine, but I'm closer to my wife, and if I had to choose for some bizzare reason, she'd obviously 'win'. If she decides to spend the day with her parents and tells him he can either like it or lump it, how is that better for their relationship than both of them trying to do something that makes them both happy? ATEOTD, she doesn't live with her parents anymore, she lives with her b/f. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but when you're in a committed couple - as the OP would appear to be - you try to make each other happy, not simply dictate what you're going to do whether they like it or not.
I think the problem is that there are two perspectives to consider. Eg my partner wants to spend xmas with me, but he also wants to spend it with his family. Therefore he wants to drag me around visiting all his family when i would rather not. And likewise. I would rather stay at home with him but he wouldnt want that.
The worst year for example we spend xmas eve at his mums so he could have the family xmas. They all got pissed xmas eve (im the only one who doesnt drink despite them trying to guilt me into it). We then had to be awake at 6 when his siblings got up. We had two hours there and then headed to my parents where we were allowed one hour. Then off to his dads until dinner time when we all went to his nans. Then we were stuck there the whole evening bored and hot as hell. We had spent a good few hours of the day in the car and barely got settled anywhere before we had to leave.
It frustrates me because theres no other way. My parents would be reluctant to come here because then they couldnt drink because they would be driving. Same for his parents. We are always the ones who are expected to do all the travelling and never get to spend xmas at ours.
I think the problem is that there are two perspectives to consider. Eg my partner wants to spend xmas with me, but he also wants to spend it with his family. Therefore he wants to drag me around visiting all his family when i would rather not. And likewise. I would rather stay at home with him but he wouldnt want that.
The worst year for example we spend xmas eve at his mums so he could have the family xmas. They all got pissed xmas eve (im the only one who doesnt drink despite them trying to guilt me into it). We then had to be awake at 6 when his siblings got up. We had two hours there and then headed to my parents where we were allowed one hour. Then off to his dads until dinner time when we all went to his nans. Then we were stuck there the whole evening bored and hot as hell. We had spent a good few hours of the day in the car and barely got settled anywhere before we had to leave.
It frustrates me because theres no other way. My parents would be reluctant to come here because then they couldnt drink because they would be driving. Same for his parents. We are always the ones who are expected to do all the travelling and never get to spend xmas at ours.
Sorry, but if you don't like it you need to stand up to your partner. You can't expect him to guess how this situation upsets you if you always agree to go along with him. If he knows it upsets you, but still drags you along, then he's not very considerate.
My husbands family wasn't really THAT into Christmas. When we got together we got into a routine straight away. He didn't mind what we did to be fair, so we always spend Christmas Day at my parents house. Boxing Day was always spent at my husbands parents house.
The main problem for us at the moment is the fact that my husband has to work occasionally on Christmas Day, which really puts a spanner in the works !
My partner's Mum is like that, us turning up would be an inconvenience. We go to her after Christmas and she does a buffet lunch. Also as he works Christmas day it makes it easier and less of a problem to decide who to spend it with.
Sorry, but if you don't like it you need to stand up to your partner. You can't expect him to guess how this situation upsets you if you always agree to go along with him. If he knows it upsets you, but still drags you along, then he's not very considerate.
I couldve worded that a bit better! The thing that frustrates me most is my partner wants every xmas to be like when he was younger. For example getting up early to open presents, eating dinner and then spending the day with his mum, brother and sister watching tv and eating sweets.
The reality is that his brother and sister are teenagers and now their xmas is get up early, open presents and then go out with friends/partners then come home in the evening. This frustrates my boyfriend because he thinks they should stay home all day like they used to when they were little. Every year he moans that we went down there and they disappeared as soon as the presents were open! Ive tried telling him you cant expect them to stay home when they have plans to go out with friends.
Last year i did give that a miss and spent xmas eve and xmas morning alone. I went to his grandparents with him but this year im going to stick to my guns. If he wants to spend all day driving around and putting up with all the usual hassel then thats up to him.
The trouble is we never make any concrete plans so when his nan invites us he always says yes so then i can never think of a polite way of declining! If i had arranged to go to mums then he would go to his nans alone, but if i arrange to stay home he assumes i wont mind going because im not missing out on anything!
For me staying at home is my first choice. For my other half staying at home is what we do if we dont get invited anywhere. We could today plan that this xmas we will stay home. In his head that would translate as we have no plans yet. If his mum then phoned and invited us xmas eve he would say yes. Then if his nan rang about dinner he would say yes. Thats how it works.
Yep, as suggested the best way is Christmas Day with one set of parents and New Years with the other, then swap next year. This is what we do and we're married with kids!
This is going to be an issue every year, so set the ground rules now and stick to them. You're a grown up now with your own life (presumably) so your parents can't realistically expect you to spend every single Christmas with them.
This.... When me and my brother were kids, our parents spent a few Christmas Days at home, just the 4 of us. Once you're an adult, you're not obligated to spend every Christmas with either set of parents.
If you love the company, then as others have said, the fairest thing to do is alternate whose parents you visit at Christmas and then visit the other set of parents over new year.
I couldve worded that a bit better! The thing that frustrates me most is my partner wants every xmas to be like when he was younger. For example getting up early to open presents, eating dinner and then spending the day with his mum, brother and sister watching tv and eating sweets.
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I'll bet this is sooo many people's problem in a nutshell. As I mentioned in my first post, moving in a with a partner for the first time is all part of growing up and moving on. If a guy moved in with his g/f, but still went home for meals and to get his clothes washed because that's what he's used to, I'll bet not one person would think that was acceptable, yet clinging to and wanting to carry on with the idea of a 'traditional' family Christmas causes so many problems, yet it's considered just ones of those things we have to put up with. Your first Christmas with your first (or a new) co-habiting partner is the time to start your own Christmas traditions (that you'll then indoctrinate your own kids with ). It shouldn't be 'My family always do this' 'Well my family always do this'. It's almost always impossible to compromise, and neither person ends up happy and relaxed. Fast forward five years and two kids later and you're still having the same arguments. I know one couple who, for the last eight years, have dragged their kids out of bed at 6am Christmas morning to visit one set of parents. Dad can't enjoy a drink because he has to drive, nor can he relax with his trousers open (as turkey stuffed Dad's do ), the kids can't enjoy their presents because they can't make a mess, nor can they watch kids Christmas TV, and because she knows they're miserable, Mum doesn't have fun either, yet because of something that they did over ten years ago, they feel obliged to carry it on. Like I said, the only way my then g/f and I could forsee to avoid all this was establish that on Christmas Day, sorry, but it's our day and we're not going to visit anyone. Christmas Eve and Boxing Day, no problem, we'll absolutely visit because we want to, just not the day in between. Thirteen years later, we still stick to that and us and the kids always have a fantastic Christmas day.
I have this problem with my ex-husband because both of us want to spend Christmas with our daughter, but neither of us can stand each other's families (the two sets of families also live in different countries) so it causes MAJOR arguments each Christmas. So far, I have always won the argument and spent Christmas with my daughter, but I'm expecting trouble this year again...
It's my responsibility to protect my daughter's interests and knowing my ex-husband's family as I do, it's not a very child-friendly environment, especially during Christmas.
It is important to protect your daughter's interests, as you say. I don't of course know anymore than what you've posted but I do know that children need both their parents in their lives and if you daughter's dad wants to see her over Christmas that's surely a good thing.
I have this problem with my ex-husband because both of us want to spend Christmas with our daughter, but neither of us can stand each other's families (the two sets of families also live in different countries) so it causes MAJOR arguments each Christmas. So far, I have always won the argument and spent Christmas with my daughter, but I'm expecting trouble this year again...
My son spends alternate Christmases one with me then the next with his dad
Having said that its also his birthday in December so if I have him for birthday, his dad has him for Christmas and vice versa so we each get a special day
It's never been an issue for myself and my husband because unfortunately both of his parents died when he was quite young, so we have always spent Christmas with my family,
I must admit, I dread the day when either of my sons (23 and 20 now) aren't home at Christmas. We've always made it really special. This year the older one is bringing his girlfriend to stay as her parents are going abroad, but I accept that at some point (the following year?) they may go there for Christmas. I will be so upset, but I know it will happen one day
My issue with Xmas is that I have kids from a previous marriage, but my new partner has no children. My Ex doesn't do Xmas at all, so I have the kids every year. Also, my parents are much older than hers and not in great health, so each Xmas genuinely feels as if it could be the last with them. It may sound silly, but I struggle to take the kids to my new mother-in-law, because the connection isn't the same. Doing someone else-s Xmas is OK for me, but I don't feel it's fair on the kids The option to stay at home isn't really there as our studio flat is far too small to host Xmas.
In the end, it has meant that I have every year at my parents', with the kids, but only every other Xmas with my partner, which I absolutely hate. Xmas without my partner feels awful, to tell the truth, but I understand that she wants some Xmases with her family.
You should hear what my sis does She lives up North with her boyfriend, his family are close by and we're not
So every Christmas she returns home to spend it with us and he goes to his Mum's. Don't blame either of them really as both are very close to their Mum's. Despite having lived together for well over 10 years in various places, they've never had a Christmas on their own which I find sad, but I don't think they will for a good few years unless they ever have children.
Comments
My brother and his wife did exactly this for 13 years, each going to their own families for Xmas and Boxing Day (as their parents lived some way apart). Only when they had children did it have to change to alternate years.
I can't stick making arrangements and planning out my life. When we started a family it was easier to spend Xmas at home rather than carting presents, food & baby gear around. I used to issue invitations to Xmas lunch some years to various family members .... if they came, all well and good if not, no problem. I just can't be doing with all this "we promised so & so we'd go there this year" or "can we come to you next year as we've already made arrangements."
Well said
But as my partner seems to do nothing other than pander to all his families wishes that will never happen!
it all comes down to what works best for you both and your families. that way was best for us. my dad is miserable over Christmas
I have the same problem every year, and the simplest way for us is to alternate, if you go to your folks this year then you boyfriend will have to deal with it, and likewise you'll have to live with it if you go to his. Both families will understand the situation but don't confuse their inevitable disappointment as them being angry and upset with you, it's just the realities of being in a couple. Every couple has two sets of parents to consider, they don't magically (or unfortunately
If you can't decide this year, either stay at home or flip a coin, don't turn into an annual source of stress though, establish a routine and everything will become easier.
I agree with all of your advice, but that one bit is terrible, no offence! Parents don't stop being important the minute you step outside the door, and it sounds like the OP is close to hers. The one person she should worry about making happy is herself, whether it's by asking her boyfriend to come along or by deciding to spend the day with her parents.
The main problem for us at the moment is the fact that my husband has to work occasionally on Christmas Day, which really puts a spanner in the works !
I think the problem is that there are two perspectives to consider. Eg my partner wants to spend xmas with me, but he also wants to spend it with his family. Therefore he wants to drag me around visiting all his family when i would rather not. And likewise. I would rather stay at home with him but he wouldnt want that.
The worst year for example we spend xmas eve at his mums so he could have the family xmas. They all got pissed xmas eve (im the only one who doesnt drink despite them trying to guilt me into it). We then had to be awake at 6 when his siblings got up. We had two hours there and then headed to my parents where we were allowed one hour. Then off to his dads until dinner time when we all went to his nans. Then we were stuck there the whole evening bored and hot as hell. We had spent a good few hours of the day in the car and barely got settled anywhere before we had to leave.
It frustrates me because theres no other way. My parents would be reluctant to come here because then they couldnt drink because they would be driving. Same for his parents. We are always the ones who are expected to do all the travelling and never get to spend xmas at ours.
Sorry, but if you don't like it you need to stand up to your partner. You can't expect him to guess how this situation upsets you if you always agree to go along with him. If he knows it upsets you, but still drags you along, then he's not very considerate.
My partner's Mum is like that, us turning up would be an inconvenience. We go to her after Christmas and she does a buffet lunch. Also as he works Christmas day it makes it easier and less of a problem to decide who to spend it with.
I couldve worded that a bit better! The thing that frustrates me most is my partner wants every xmas to be like when he was younger. For example getting up early to open presents, eating dinner and then spending the day with his mum, brother and sister watching tv and eating sweets.
The reality is that his brother and sister are teenagers and now their xmas is get up early, open presents and then go out with friends/partners then come home in the evening. This frustrates my boyfriend because he thinks they should stay home all day like they used to when they were little. Every year he moans that we went down there and they disappeared as soon as the presents were open! Ive tried telling him you cant expect them to stay home when they have plans to go out with friends.
Last year i did give that a miss and spent xmas eve and xmas morning alone. I went to his grandparents with him but this year im going to stick to my guns. If he wants to spend all day driving around and putting up with all the usual hassel then thats up to him.
The trouble is we never make any concrete plans so when his nan invites us he always says yes so then i can never think of a polite way of declining! If i had arranged to go to mums then he would go to his nans alone, but if i arrange to stay home he assumes i wont mind going because im not missing out on anything!
For me staying at home is my first choice. For my other half staying at home is what we do if we dont get invited anywhere. We could today plan that this xmas we will stay home. In his head that would translate as we have no plans yet. If his mum then phoned and invited us xmas eve he would say yes. Then if his nan rang about dinner he would say yes. Thats how it works.
This.... When me and my brother were kids, our parents spent a few Christmas Days at home, just the 4 of us. Once you're an adult, you're not obligated to spend every Christmas with either set of parents.
If you love the company, then as others have said, the fairest thing to do is alternate whose parents you visit at Christmas and then visit the other set of parents over new year.
It is important to protect your daughter's interests, as you say. I don't of course know anymore than what you've posted but I do know that children need both their parents in their lives and if you daughter's dad wants to see her over Christmas that's surely a good thing.
My son spends alternate Christmases one with me then the next with his dad
Having said that its also his birthday in December so if I have him for birthday, his dad has him for Christmas and vice versa so we each get a special day
It works well as they all get on and i enjoy spoiling them as they help a lot with childcare.
They go home at tea time so we have all night then to ourselves.
I must admit, I dread the day when either of my sons (23 and 20 now) aren't home at Christmas. We've always made it really special. This year the older one is bringing his girlfriend to stay as her parents are going abroad, but I accept that at some point (the following year?) they may go there for Christmas. I will be so upset, but I know it will happen one day
In the end, it has meant that I have every year at my parents', with the kids, but only every other Xmas with my partner, which I absolutely hate. Xmas without my partner feels awful, to tell the truth, but I understand that she wants some Xmases with her family.
So every Christmas she returns home to spend it with us and he goes to his Mum's. Don't blame either of them really as both are very close to their Mum's. Despite having lived together for well over 10 years in various places, they've never had a Christmas on their own which I find sad, but I don't think they will for a good few years unless they ever have children.