Just a thought, but rather then him smirking, is it possible he's smiling because she makes him happy, and he's happy at the thought of talking to/seeing her? I know you don't want to think about that so soon after your mum's death, but if he's happy then that surely is a good thing? Is it possible you're misreading your dad because of your own feelings?
no, it's definitely a smirk. he also pulls a pouty face (hard to explain, as you've not met my dad)
Maybe he has a nervous grin? I must admit it would wind me up as well, the attitude more than the relationship. How does your brother feel about the situation?
cruse was actually the thing the doctor gave me details for. but... i just feel uncomfortable actually talking to people face to face about things. computer is fine. anything else and i get tongue tied
not as such... i just have a gut feeling
you're probably right. he's never been very good about relationships, judging by what my mum told me. he never even told his parents he was getting married to my mum until he already had done
i can give it a go... but i've not been successful in the past
What do you feel is the emotion behind the smirk? (ie why does the smirk annoy you? What do you think he's trying to say with it?)
i.. don't really know. it's sort of like when a small child is about to do something they know they shouldn't. and i guess it annoys me because he's being so immature about it. if he'd be more honest about the situation and that's he's spending time with her and would lose the facial expressions, i don't think i'd be half as annoyed
(and yes, i do realise the irony of me calling him immature when i shred valentine's cards )
Maybe he has a nervous grin? I must admit it would wind me up as well, the attitude more than the relationship. How does your brother feel about the situation?
that's what i meant. it's definitely more the attitude than the relationship that annoys me
i don't think he really knows. he doesn't tend to notice things like that and i don't want to upset him
I think what you are reacting to is you are not finding any peace or happiness so it is angering you that he seems to be able to. I agree with everyone else that I think after almost 18 months of you not feeling any better, councelling might help you be able to sort through your feelings better.
you're probably right. i guess it also annoys me that he knows how much i'm struggling and isn't being sensitive to it
With regards to your dad being insensitive, is he aware how much you're struggling? He probably feels that as you are an adult, you'd cope with it differently to how a child would, which is wrong.
He's also possibly overjoyed at having a new female companion it's seriously clouding his judgement.
i.. don't really know. it's sort of like when a small child is about to do something they know they shouldn't. and i guess it annoys me because he's being so immature about it. if he'd be more honest about the situation and that's he's spending time with her and would lose the facial expressions, i don't think i'd be half as annoyed
(and yes, i do realise the irony of me calling him immature when i shred valentine's cards )
I think then it's what others have said, he is being immature and he is smirking cos he is doing something naughty. He thought his "courting" days were long gone and now as a mature man he's fumbling his way in the relationship world with the added weirdness of being bereaved and having 2 kids to consider. So he's probably a real mix of emotions too.
I think if I were you, if he's going on a date etc and you can tell, just say so - without having a go at him. Just be honest and tell him you'd rather he was upfront about seeing her and that way your whole family can have more time to get used to this lady, rather than have her suddenly thrust on you all.
And then, as hard as it is, bite your tongue. Acknowledge your feelings, acknowledge that they won't do you any good, and that you want him to be happy so you are not going to interfere.
I had a much lesser but similar experience. I lost one of my best friends a few years ago, she was in her mid 30s and had 3 wee boys and a husband. Within 2 years her husband had remarried. I still find that hard to deal with, but I know he deserves it, the kids deserve it and my friend would want it. I know my feelings are selfish and petty. So I keep them to myself. Especially as I see my friend's mum completely embracing the new mum to her grankids.
you're probably right. i guess it also annoys me that he knows how much i'm struggling and isn't being sensitive to it
I know someone whose wife died suddenly leaving him with two young daughters. My friend (who knew the couple) has a friend who is a Child Psychologist and he told her that it is much harder for a daughter losing a Mum than it is for a son/daughter losing a Father. I'm sure some will disagree.
I know it frightens me to think of my daughter being left with just her Dad and her brothers if anything happened to me. Her Dad is not very good at showing his emotions or dealing with stuff that she would want to talk about.
Did your Mum have a best friend or a really good friend that you could go and talk to?
I wish I could give some good advice but I can't. It's good that you're not bottling it up though, I hope you can talk to your brother too. It surprises me how people deal with grief, I went in to a daze for months and wouldn't consider looking at another man for years, but then I've seen people posting on DS on the same day of their death. I suppose everyone is different and cope in different ways.
With regards to your dad being insensitive, is he aware how much you're struggling? He probably feels that as you are an adult, you'd cope with it differently to how a child would, which is wrong.
He's also possibly overjoyed at having a new female companion it's seriously clouding his judgement.
he is aware, yeah. he's the one who keeps pestering me to go to councelling
but one time when i was having a really bad day about my mum and was crying, he decided it would be a good idea to rant about me to this woman. despite the fact that he knew why i was upset
Did your Mum have a best friend or a really good friend that you could go and talk to?
she had a few close friends, but the problem is that they've all taken my dad under their wing, so i don't think they'd be able to be impartial, as it were
she had a few close friends, but the problem is that they've all taken my dad under their wing, so i don't think they'd be able to be impartial, as it were
That's a shame and I'm actually surprised they are not a bit upset with him for moving on so soon.
Sorry, but if your Dad has met someone else, good for him. He has a life to live and maybe soon you will be gone and he would be left on his own without his new lady friend.
You are 22 - old enough to understand his emotions and too old to see this lady as a replacement mum.
When my sons were in their late teens they made my new boyfriend very welcome, for which I'll be always grateful to them, but he wasn't a replacement dad - they were more like friends.
As for your Nan - she should be trying to make this new lady welcome, not saying sly things about her behind her back. Some people seem to just enjoy making situations worse.
I know you still miss your mum terribly. This goes on for a long time, and the pain only gradually eases, but do try to see that your Dad is dealing with it in the way that's best for him. That way you can both help each other.
Why do you say 'so soon'? when is it too soon, nearly right, the right time, too long? Who gets to decide?
Its difficult my dad has a cousin who nursed his wife through a rare horrible form of Skin Cancer. She passed away after nearly 10 years of battling. In the meantime his next door neighbour's husband was battling cancer as well and passed away not long after.
As they were neighbours they became a comfort to one another and two years later they got married. Just because they married not that long after their partners deaths some people treated them very unfairly and even went as far to say they were carrying on before their partners died which was so wrong and very unfair.
Why do you say 'so soon'? when is it too soon, nearly right, the right time, too long? Who gets to decide?
Well I don't know about you, but considering his wife died suddenly (so am assuming not from a long illness like cancer) in Dec '10, he had already met someone by June'1. His children are in their 20's so he must have been with his wife at least 20 years, so yes, I really do think that is too soon and if anyone in my family moved on that quickly I would be really shocked.
However, I know people do move on quickly and each to their own. but I would find it really hard to get over the loss of my husband as quickly as that.
Its difficult my dad has a cousin who nursed his wife through a rare horrible form of Skin Cancer. She passed away after nearly 10 years of battling. In the meantime his next door neighbour's husband was battling cancer as well and passed away not long after.
As they were neighbours they became a comfort to one another and two years later they got married. Just because they married not that long after their partners deaths some people treated them very unfairly and even went as far to say they were carrying on before their partners died which was so wrong and very unfair.
I think it is different when partners have been ill for a long period. You almost come to terms with the fact you are losing them and they are dying. When someone dies suddenly, I can't understand how they can move on so quickly.
I wonder if any of the people who think it's too soon for the OP's Dad to find a girlfriend have actually been in the position of losing their wife/husband?
If not, please do not judge, as you can't possibly know how you would react.
I wonder if any of the people who think it's too soon for the OP's Dad to find a girlfriend have actually been in the position of losing their wife/husband?
If not, please do not judge, as you can't possibly know how you would react.
Very good point.
We all say "I would never do this or that" but when the cookie comes to the crumble, we might just do it anyway.
Tbh honest when i read the original post i assumed the poster was in her mid teens not a fully grown adult. At 22 you should be old and wise enough to let your dad find a bit of happiness without acting like a stroppy brat about it. This woman is is no way a replacement for your mum and i'm sure no one is trying to make her that.
Everyone deals with grief in different ways Personally i think you should sit down with your dad, apologise for your awful attitude and actions so farm but explain you are finding it tough with the new woman and hopefully he can offer some reassurance to you.
I wonder if any of the people who think it's too soon for the OP's Dad to find a girlfriend have actually been in the position of losing their wife/husband?
If not, please do not judge, as you can't possibly know how you would react.
Comments
no, it's definitely a smirk. he also pulls a pouty face (hard to explain, as you've not met my dad)
What do you feel is the emotion behind the smirk? (ie why does the smirk annoy you? What do you think he's trying to say with it?)
i.. don't really know. it's sort of like when a small child is about to do something they know they shouldn't. and i guess it annoys me because he's being so immature about it. if he'd be more honest about the situation and that's he's spending time with her and would lose the facial expressions, i don't think i'd be half as annoyed
(and yes, i do realise the irony of me calling him immature when i shred valentine's cards
that's what i meant. it's definitely more the attitude than the relationship that annoys me
i don't think he really knows. he doesn't tend to notice things like that and i don't want to upset him
oooh... i didn't know that. thanks
you're probably right. i guess it also annoys me that he knows how much i'm struggling and isn't being sensitive to it
With regards to your dad being insensitive, is he aware how much you're struggling? He probably feels that as you are an adult, you'd cope with it differently to how a child would, which is wrong.
He's also possibly overjoyed at having a new female companion it's seriously clouding his judgement.
I think then it's what others have said, he is being immature and he is smirking cos he is doing something naughty. He thought his "courting" days were long gone and now as a mature man he's fumbling his way in the relationship world with the added weirdness of being bereaved and having 2 kids to consider. So he's probably a real mix of emotions too.
I think if I were you, if he's going on a date etc and you can tell, just say so - without having a go at him. Just be honest and tell him you'd rather he was upfront about seeing her and that way your whole family can have more time to get used to this lady, rather than have her suddenly thrust on you all.
And then, as hard as it is, bite your tongue. Acknowledge your feelings, acknowledge that they won't do you any good, and that you want him to be happy so you are not going to interfere.
I had a much lesser but similar experience. I lost one of my best friends a few years ago, she was in her mid 30s and had 3 wee boys and a husband. Within 2 years her husband had remarried. I still find that hard to deal with, but I know he deserves it, the kids deserve it and my friend would want it. I know my feelings are selfish and petty. So I keep them to myself. Especially as I see my friend's mum completely embracing the new mum to her grankids.
I know someone whose wife died suddenly leaving him with two young daughters. My friend (who knew the couple) has a friend who is a Child Psychologist and he told her that it is much harder for a daughter losing a Mum than it is for a son/daughter losing a Father. I'm sure some will disagree.
I know it frightens me to think of my daughter being left with just her Dad and her brothers if anything happened to me. Her Dad is not very good at showing his emotions or dealing with stuff that she would want to talk about.
Did your Mum have a best friend or a really good friend that you could go and talk to?
he is aware, yeah. he's the one who keeps pestering me to go to councelling
but one time when i was having a really bad day about my mum and was crying, he decided it would be a good idea to rant about me to this woman. despite the fact that he knew why i was upset
she had a few close friends, but the problem is that they've all taken my dad under their wing, so i don't think they'd be able to be impartial, as it were
That's a shame and I'm actually surprised they are not a bit upset with him for moving on so soon.
i don't think they know tbh
You are 22 - old enough to understand his emotions and too old to see this lady as a replacement mum.
When my sons were in their late teens they made my new boyfriend very welcome, for which I'll be always grateful to them, but he wasn't a replacement dad - they were more like friends.
As for your Nan - she should be trying to make this new lady welcome, not saying sly things about her behind her back. Some people seem to just enjoy making situations worse.
I know you still miss your mum terribly. This goes on for a long time, and the pain only gradually eases, but do try to see that your Dad is dealing with it in the way that's best for him. That way you can both help each other.
Its difficult my dad has a cousin who nursed his wife through a rare horrible form of Skin Cancer. She passed away after nearly 10 years of battling. In the meantime his next door neighbour's husband was battling cancer as well and passed away not long after.
As they were neighbours they became a comfort to one another and two years later they got married. Just because they married not that long after their partners deaths some people treated them very unfairly and even went as far to say they were carrying on before their partners died which was so wrong and very unfair.
Well I don't know about you, but considering his wife died suddenly (so am assuming not from a long illness like cancer) in Dec '10, he had already met someone by June'1. His children are in their 20's so he must have been with his wife at least 20 years, so yes, I really do think that is too soon and if anyone in my family moved on that quickly I would be really shocked.
However, I know people do move on quickly and each to their own. but I would find it really hard to get over the loss of my husband as quickly as that.
I think it is different when partners have been ill for a long period. You almost come to terms with the fact you are losing them and they are dying. When someone dies suddenly, I can't understand how they can move on so quickly.
If not, please do not judge, as you can't possibly know how you would react.
Very good point.
We all say "I would never do this or that" but when the cookie comes to the crumble, we might just do it anyway.
Everyone deals with grief in different ways Personally i think you should sit down with your dad, apologise for your awful attitude and actions so farm but explain you are finding it tough with the new woman and hopefully he can offer some reassurance to you.
Of course you can know.