Claudette Wankman and Toss Doolally In bitter feud
It is rumoured that these two long-time rivals have almost come to blows over their roles in Strictly this year. Tossa is showing signs of a severe tic in her left eye, while Claudine's shoes are now taking on a life of their own.
:D:DI think Claudia's shoes have always had a life of their own!!
Viewer have finally been able to see the effect of the drastic money saving cuts at the BBC, and how they have affected Strictly Come Prancing
Shorter Pros
The British Federation of Professional Dancers have agreed that dancers are paid on a sliding scale according to their height.
This has meant that SCP can no longer afford all 6 feet of Ian Waiter and Matthew Cutlass.
Fewer Clothes
OhLaLa Jordan, Kristina Rip’am’off and Aliona L’Oreal Shade 29 Crimson Tide have been forced to share the fabric for one decent outfit between all three of them.
New male Pros Bobbins Windsor-Castle and Artex Chinthing have been refused funding for any shirts for the entire series.
Commercial Sponsorship
Cast members have agreed secret deals with companies to promote their products …
Alesha Diction is rumoured to receive £1000 from Pampers every time she calls someone “Babe”
Gavin HENTSUN has rejected offers from St Tropez tan products and is receiving money from Ronseal to look like a Mahogany stained wardrobe.
DFS expects Ann Diddlycome to cause a rush in sofa purchases as people buy them to hide behind when she dances.
She has also agreed a lucrative deal with TenaLady as viewers are expected to wet themselves laughing at her Salsa.
Viewer have finally been able to see the effect of the drastic money saving cuts at the BBC, and how they have affected Strictly Come Prancing
Shorter Pros
The British Federation of Professional Dancers have agreed that dancers are paid on a sliding scale according to their height.
This has meant that SCP can no longer afford all 6 feet of Ian Waiter and Matthew Cutlass.
Fewer Clothes
OhLaLa Jordan, Kristina Rip’am’off and Aliona L’Oreal Shade 29 Crimson Tide have been forced to share the fabric for one decent outfit between all three of them.
New male Pros Bobbins Windsor-Castle and Artex Chinthing have been refused funding for any shirts for the entire series.
Commercial Sponsorship
Cast members have agreed secret deals with companies to promote their products …
Alesha Diction is rumoured to receive £1000 from Pampers every time she calls someone “Babe”
Gavin HENTSUN has rejected offers from St Tropez tan products and is receiving money from Ronseal to look like a Mahogany stained wardrobe.
DFS expects Ann Diddlycome to cause a rush in sofa purchases as people buy them to hide behind when she dances.
She has also agreed a lucrative deal with TenaLady as viewers are expected to wet themselves laughing at her Salsa.
Viewer have finally been able to see the effect of the drastic money saving cuts at the BBC, and how they have affected Strictly Come Prancing
Shorter Pros
The British Federation of Professional Dancers have agreed that dancers are paid on a sliding scale according to their height.
This has meant that SCP can no longer afford all 6 feet of Ian Waiter and Matthew Cutlass.
Fewer Clothes
OhLaLa Jordan, Kristina Rip’am’off and Aliona L’Oreal Shade 29 Crimson Tide have been forced to share the fabric for one decent outfit between all three of them.
New male Pros Bobbins Windsor-Castle and Artex Chinthing have been refused funding for any shirts for the entire series.
Commercial Sponsorship
Cast members have agreed secret deals with companies to promote their products …
Alesha Diction is rumoured to receive £1000 from Pampers every time she calls someone “Babe”
Gavin HENTSUN has rejected offers from St Tropez tan products and is receiving money from Ronseal to look like a Mahogany stained wardrobe.
DFS expects Ann Diddlycome to cause a rush in sofa purchases as people buy them to hide behind when she dances.
She has also agreed a lucrative deal with TenaLady as viewers are expected to wet themselves laughing at her Salsa.
Wonderful.
And even Katya seems to have dispensed with knickers if her appearance on the ITT sofa is anything to go by.
In an EXCLUSIVE for today's Daily Rail, we can EXCLUSIVELY report that the EvilBBC(TM) have STACKED THE DECKS against the nation's favourite, Ann Widdershins.
Not only can we reveal that several of the contestants are younger than glamourous grannie Ann (94, with 13 grandchildren), but that some of them are also good-looking. And, worst of all, some of them were learning to dance as well. Poor Ann was horribly disadvantaged by sticking to her Traditional British Morals(TM), rather than dancing, like some of the other contestants.
Worst yet, we have also discovered in our EXCLUSIVE story that some of these "professional dancers" are taking jobs away from British Dancers - only Ann is Sticking Up For Britain.
Devoted fans of the show, hosted by Bruth Fosbury Flop (392) and Tess TwiceDaily (17), are uniformly disgusted.
"It's disgusting" said AnonymousRentAQuote, 99 "It just shows that the EvilBBC(TM) is run by a bunch of pinko commie foreigners, who want to undermind our Great British Bulldog spirit."
"I'm shocked - and outraged!" said AnotherMadeUpSource, 67 "They should make it an level playing field by making all the contestants older, and preferably shorter as well. And if they can remove their dancing talent, that'd be good too."
BBC producers, when contacted, said "Can't you people go and find out some real news" - a clear sign, in this paper's view, of their complete DISDAIN for the views of the normal viewing public.
Coming up next: British Dances For British Dancers.
In an EXCLUSIVE for today's Daily Rail, we can EXCLUSIVELY report that the EvilBBC(TM) have STACKED THE DECKS against the nation's favourite, Ann Widdershins.
Not only can we reveal that several of the contestants are younger than glamourous grannie Ann (94, with 13 grandchildren), but that some of them are also good-looking. And, worst of all, some of them were learning to dance as well. Poor Ann was horribly disadvantaged by sticking to her Traditional British Morals(TM), rather than dancing, like some of the other contestants.
Worst yet, we have also discovered in our EXCLUSIVE story that some of these "professional dancers" are taking jobs away from British Dancers - only Ann is Sticking Up For Britain.
Devoted fans of the show, hosted by Bruth Fosbury Flop (392) and Tess TwiceDaily (17), are uniformly disgusted.
"It's disgusting" said AnonymousRentAQuote, 99 "It just shows that the EvilBBC(TM) is run by a bunch of pinko commie foreigners, who want to undermind our Great British Bulldog spirit."
"I'm shocked - and outraged!" said AnotherMadeUpSource, 67 "They should make it an level playing field by making all the contestants older, and preferably shorter as well. And if they can remove their dancing talent, that'd be good too."
BBC producers, when contacted, said "Can't you people go and find out some real news" - a clear sign, in this paper's view, of their complete DISDAIN for the views of the normal viewing public.
Coming up next: British Dances For British Dancers.
Further discrimination has been proved- One of these Not Britsh Dancers has been flashing more than a respectable amount of perfect white teeth.
Artex Chinthing (25) has been accused of showing a lack of respect for Traditional British Dentistry.
Bobbins WindorCastle has bravely stood up for Plucky British Workmanship, and insisted that he will only wear Quality British Made shirts for his Latin dances.
Sadly, he has been forced to dance bare chested so far.
Strictly Come Prancing has been hit with a RASH of infectious diseases.
After Tiny OBrian was struck down with Chicken Pox, several other infections have been reported.
The first dancer to leave the show had been heard to say “I’m a Gonner here…”
Peter Siltman has been diagnosed with Sleeping Sickness, which explains last week’s soporific Salsa.
His partner Erin, contracted Lime disease from her fluorescent dress
In a related case, Dr Pammie’s Salsa dress has been confirmed as the source of her Scarlet Fever.
NotBeyonce Williams has put her inability to get good marks down to a nasty bout of Brendan Cholera
Natalie LowDown’s extravagant dance routines have been a side-effect of her contracting Me, Me, Measles
PussyKatya and her partner HENTSUN have both succumbed to Bot-ulism
It is no safer off the dance floor….
Tess Doolally’s tortured vowels have been traced to a congential case of E-by-gum-ola Virus.
There is a danger that the entire panel of judges may have to be culled after at least three of them showed symptoms of Foot-in-Mouth Disease.
Mr Foresight is suffering from incurable Brucie-losis.
The incidence of Whooping *cough, cough* is expected to continue to manifest itself in the audience as per usual.
(Note- there is also a suspected case of Mad Cow Disease, but your intrepid reporter is too scared of their fans to name names…)
Strictly Come Prancing has been hit with a RASH of infectious diseases.
After Tiny OBrian was struck down with Chicken Pox, several other infections have been reported.
The first dancer to leave the show had been heard to say “I’m a Gonner here…”
Peter Siltman has been diagnosed with Sleeping Sickness, which explains last week’s soporific Salsa.
His partner Erin, contracted Lime disease from her fluorescent dress
In a related case, Dr Pammie’s Salsa dress has been confirmed as the source of her Scarlet Fever.
NotBeyonce Williams has put her inability to get good marks down to a nasty bout of Brendan Cholera
Natalie LowDown’s extravagant dance routines have been a side-effect of her contracting Me, Me, Measles
PussyKatya and her partner HENTSUN have both succumbed to Bot-ulism
It is no safer off the dance floor….
Tess Doolally’s tortured vowels have been traced to a congential case of E-by-gum-ola Virus.
There is a danger that the entire panel of judges may have to be culled after at least three of them showed symptoms of Foot-in-Mouth Disease.
Mr Foresight is suffering from incurable Brucie-losis.
The incidence of Whooping *cough, cough* is expected to continue to manifest itself in the audience as per usual.
(Note- there is also a suspected case of Mad Cow Disease, but your intrepid reporter is too scared of their fans to name names…)
Not only can we reveal that several of the contestants are younger than glamourous grannie Ann (94, with 13 grandchildren), but that some of them are also good-looking.
.
Hey, what are you doing taking my name in vain - and, more importantly, how did you find out about the kids?
Our mole has discovered that Ann flying in harness is only the start of the over the tops gimmicks which will be revealed this Saturday…
As The Chosen One, Matt’s Charleston will be performed on a flooded stage where he will walk and dance on water.
Scattalie will open their tango with Nat being fired from a cannon on the balcony.
Scott will catch her in his teeth before they take hold.
Not to be outdone, Kara and Artem will be carried on stage by a pair of unicorns, while a host of Heavenly Seraphim will be providing the music for Pamela and James.
There was also a rumour that Bruce was going to make a funny joke, but this was dismissed as too far fetched to believe…
The double-jointed diva and facial contortionist Fellattely Candle has devised a cunning plan in a bid to outshine Antonia Widdiecomb's arial antics. As a finale to her tango she is to levitate in the lotus position and finish by landing on the judges desk in a perfect headstand, where Vincent van Simone will somersault over to join her.
Pammie Stefferson is said to be seething. Sizzling Steph is begging Jordan James to throw her between his legs, around his head then finally up onto the mezzanine.
BREAKING NEWS ..... Tony Du Berk was today rushed to A&E after Prancy Doolallio turned up for training without attitude, make up or alcohol and whilst wearing a pair of sneakers :eek:
BREAKING NEWS ..... Tony Du Berk was today rushed to A&E after Prancy Doolallio turned up for training without attitude, make up or alcohol and whilst wearing a pair of sneakers :eek:
...Unfortunately, whilst he was being treated for shock, the nursing staff removed Du Beak's tie, which then gave rise to a cardiac arrest... :eek:
Flavia Cacace in Shock Discovery - Nancy is her Mother!
Flavia Cacace is today being comforted by Russell Grant after learning the shocking revalation that Nanacy Dellboy is her mother! In a shocking twist, it also emerged that the 'comforting' went further and Russell declared he was no longer gay!
SCD bosses have today been thrown into disarray after discovering that sexy kiwi Ivy Bedfrill, 59, advocates "15 pints" before dancing. Our intrepid journalists trawled the star's Twitter account to find the incriminating evidence after they found she had locked the PIN on her voicemail. Ivy is skating with Arkle Chinthing who is dating Karen Tinytown, last year's runner up.
Ivy's representatives have states that he is merely following advice given by 100-1 favourite to win Nelly Delalalalalalalalalio.
SCD bosses have today been thrown into disarray after discovering that sexy kiwi Ivy Bedfrill, 59, advocates "15 pints" before dancing. Our intrepid journalists trawled the star's Twitter account to find the incriminating evidence after they found she had locked the PIN on her voicemail. Ivy is skating with Arkle Chinthing who is dating Karen Tinytown, last year's runner up.
Ivy's representatives have states that he is merely following advice given by 100-1 favourite to win Nelly Delalalalalalalalalio.
Our intrepid reporter asked Ms Bedfrill for a comment, but her reply was too slurred to be intelligible.
SCD bosses have today been thrown into disarray after discovering that sexy kiwi Ivy Bedfrill, 59, advocates "15 pints" before dancing. Our intrepid journalists trawled the star's Twitter account to find the incriminating evidence after they found she had locked the PIN on her voicemail. Ivy is skating with Arkle Chinthing who is dating Karen Tinytown, last year's runner up.
Ivy's representatives have states that he is merely following advice given by 100-1 favourite to win Nelly Delalalalalalalalalio.
Astrologer to the stars in previous dance experience shocker!
Our investigators have found video evidence that one of this years Strictly Come Dancing hopefuls has - :eek: shock horror :eek: - PREVIOUS DANCE EXPERIENCE!
Trawling the web they have uncovered footage of a rather youthful SCD contestant dancing Bollywood.
Astrologer to the stars in previous dance experience shocker!
Our investigators have found video evidence that one of this years Strictly Come Dancing hopefuls has - :eek: shock horror :eek: - PREVIOUS DANCE EXPERIENCE!
Trawling the web they have uncovered footage of a rather youthful SCD contestant dancing Bollywood.
When one of our reporters asked fellow contestant Nancy Del' usional how she felt about this shocking twist she replied "Why should I be worried? After all everyone knows I am the worlds second most famous bollywood dancer!"
Meanwhile Ms Del' usional has been involved in some controversy herself regarding the possibility that she is infact the biological mother of pro dancer Flavor Flav Cacace.
"How can I be her mother?" snarled an irate Ms Del' usional, "She is at least 5 years older than my 27 years."
In a WORLD EXCLUSIVE for the Daily Screws Of The World, we can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that star of stage and screen and idol of billions, Rousso Tuition-Fees (94) has been cruelly handicapped by corrupt executives at the British Broadcasting Cooperative (BBC).
BBC Are Evil, absolute proof
In this scandal, dubbed "Tootsiegate" by lots of people who know stuff, we can now for the VERY FIRST TIME reveal that Rousso has had his entire right foot amputated at the elbow in an INSANE and WARPED attempt to WARP the show. Apparently the danger of exposing Rousso's dainty feet to the public was judged too high a risk by the Stalinist "Health and Safety" regime at the BBC.
"It's only a flesh wound" said Rousso, bravely battling tears as he asked the surrounding media to give him privacy during the global press conference he arranged. "Please, please don't blame the BBC" he added, whilst sporting a fetching "BBC = Evilz" T-shirt
Wedding plans - OFF!
Meanwhile, Rousso's fetching partner, Flavour Catchemall (19), is said to be devastated by this VICIOUS ATTACK, as she had planned to develop a close and intimate connection with Rousso, a famous ladies-man. "It's too soon to tell for sure, but I can guarantee that wedding bells were in the air for them, before this happened" said a randonly-selected source we found on the internet.
Expert opinion
Doctor Rentaquoticus, a world-famous footologist, expressed severe doubts as to whether Rousso could dance well without any feet.
"It's Footical Correctness Gone Mad!" said some guy on the street.
Comments
Shorter Pros
The British Federation of Professional Dancers have agreed that dancers are paid on a sliding scale according to their height.
This has meant that SCP can no longer afford all 6 feet of Ian Waiter and Matthew Cutlass.
Fewer Clothes
OhLaLa Jordan, Kristina Rip’am’off and Aliona L’Oreal Shade 29 Crimson Tide have been forced to share the fabric for one decent outfit between all three of them.
New male Pros Bobbins Windsor-Castle and Artex Chinthing have been refused funding for any shirts for the entire series.
Commercial Sponsorship
Cast members have agreed secret deals with companies to promote their products …
Alesha Diction is rumoured to receive £1000 from Pampers every time she calls someone “Babe”
Gavin HENTSUN has rejected offers from St Tropez tan products and is receiving money from Ronseal to look like a Mahogany stained wardrobe.
DFS expects Ann Diddlycome to cause a rush in sofa purchases as people buy them to hide behind when she dances.
She has also agreed a lucrative deal with TenaLady as viewers are expected to wet themselves laughing at her Salsa.
Brilliant.:)
Wonderful.
And even Katya seems to have dispensed with knickers if her appearance on the ITT sofa is anything to go by.
In an EXCLUSIVE for today's Daily Rail, we can EXCLUSIVELY report that the EvilBBC(TM) have STACKED THE DECKS against the nation's favourite, Ann Widdershins.
Not only can we reveal that several of the contestants are younger than glamourous grannie Ann (94, with 13 grandchildren), but that some of them are also good-looking. And, worst of all, some of them were learning to dance as well. Poor Ann was horribly disadvantaged by sticking to her Traditional British Morals(TM), rather than dancing, like some of the other contestants.
Worst yet, we have also discovered in our EXCLUSIVE story that some of these "professional dancers" are taking jobs away from British Dancers - only Ann is Sticking Up For Britain.
Devoted fans of the show, hosted by Bruth Fosbury Flop (392) and Tess TwiceDaily (17), are uniformly disgusted.
"It's disgusting" said AnonymousRentAQuote, 99 "It just shows that the EvilBBC(TM) is run by a bunch of pinko commie foreigners, who want to undermind our Great British Bulldog spirit."
"I'm shocked - and outraged!" said AnotherMadeUpSource, 67 "They should make it an level playing field by making all the contestants older, and preferably shorter as well. And if they can remove their dancing talent, that'd be good too."
BBC producers, when contacted, said "Can't you people go and find out some real news" - a clear sign, in this paper's view, of their complete DISDAIN for the views of the normal viewing public.
Coming up next: British Dances For British Dancers.
Further discrimination has been proved- One of these Not Britsh Dancers has been flashing more than a respectable amount of perfect white teeth.
Artex Chinthing (25) has been accused of showing a lack of respect for Traditional British Dentistry.
Bobbins WindorCastle has bravely stood up for Plucky British Workmanship, and insisted that he will only wear Quality British Made shirts for his Latin dances.
Sadly, he has been forced to dance bare chested so far.
After Tiny OBrian was struck down with Chicken Pox, several other infections have been reported.
The first dancer to leave the show had been heard to say “I’m a Gonner here…”
Peter Siltman has been diagnosed with Sleeping Sickness, which explains last week’s soporific Salsa.
His partner Erin, contracted Lime disease from her fluorescent dress
In a related case, Dr Pammie’s Salsa dress has been confirmed as the source of her Scarlet Fever.
NotBeyonce Williams has put her inability to get good marks down to a nasty bout of Brendan Cholera
Natalie LowDown’s extravagant dance routines have been a side-effect of her contracting Me, Me, Measles
PussyKatya and her partner HENTSUN have both succumbed to Bot-ulism
It is no safer off the dance floor….
Tess Doolally’s tortured vowels have been traced to a congential case of E-by-gum-ola Virus.
There is a danger that the entire panel of judges may have to be culled after at least three of them showed symptoms of Foot-in-Mouth Disease.
Mr Foresight is suffering from incurable Brucie-losis.
The incidence of Whooping *cough, cough* is expected to continue to manifest itself in the audience as per usual.
(Note- there is also a suspected case of Mad Cow Disease, but your intrepid reporter is too scared of their fans to name names…)
Brilliant!
Off to snortle some more at Bot-ulism.:p
Hey, what are you doing taking my name in vain - and, more importantly, how did you find out about the kids?
As The Chosen One, Matt’s Charleston will be performed on a flooded stage where he will walk and dance on water.
Scattalie will open their tango with Nat being fired from a cannon on the balcony.
Scott will catch her in his teeth before they take hold.
Not to be outdone, Kara and Artem will be carried on stage by a pair of unicorns, while a host of Heavenly Seraphim will be providing the music for Pamela and James.
There was also a rumour that Bruce was going to make a funny joke, but this was dismissed as too far fetched to believe…
The double-jointed diva and facial contortionist Fellattely Candle has devised a cunning plan in a bid to outshine Antonia Widdiecomb's arial antics. As a finale to her tango she is to levitate in the lotus position and finish by landing on the judges desk in a perfect headstand, where Vincent van Simone will somersault over to join her.
Pammie Stefferson is said to be seething. Sizzling Steph is begging Jordan James to throw her between his legs, around his head then finally up onto the mezzanine.
...Unfortunately, whilst he was being treated for shock, the nursing staff removed Du Beak's tie, which then gave rise to a cardiac arrest... :eek:
YAY .... welcome back you
Flavia Cacace is today being comforted by Russell Grant after learning the shocking revalation that Nanacy Dellboy is her mother! In a shocking twist, it also emerged that the 'comforting' went further and Russell declared he was no longer gay!
thanks to Monkseal for the idea of the story
Ivy's representatives have states that he is merely following advice given by 100-1 favourite to win Nelly Delalalalalalalalalio.
Our intrepid reporter asked Ms Bedfrill for a comment, but her reply was too slurred to be intelligible.
Ivy Bedfrill
Our investigators have found video evidence that one of this years Strictly Come Dancing hopefuls has - :eek: shock horror :eek: - PREVIOUS DANCE EXPERIENCE!
Trawling the web they have uncovered footage of a rather youthful SCD contestant dancing Bollywood.
Evidence
FIX!!!
When one of our reporters asked fellow contestant Nancy Del' usional how she felt about this shocking twist she replied "Why should I be worried? After all everyone knows I am the worlds second most famous bollywood dancer!"
Meanwhile Ms Del' usional has been involved in some controversy herself regarding the possibility that she is infact the biological mother of pro dancer Flavor Flav Cacace.
"How can I be her mother?" snarled an irate Ms Del' usional, "She is at least 5 years older than my 27 years."
In a WORLD EXCLUSIVE for the Daily Screws Of The World, we can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that star of stage and screen and idol of billions, Rousso Tuition-Fees (94) has been cruelly handicapped by corrupt executives at the British Broadcasting Cooperative (BBC).
BBC Are Evil, absolute proof
In this scandal, dubbed "Tootsiegate" by lots of people who know stuff, we can now for the VERY FIRST TIME reveal that Rousso has had his entire right foot amputated at the elbow in an INSANE and WARPED attempt to WARP the show. Apparently the danger of exposing Rousso's dainty feet to the public was judged too high a risk by the Stalinist "Health and Safety" regime at the BBC.
"It's only a flesh wound" said Rousso, bravely battling tears as he asked the surrounding media to give him privacy during the global press conference he arranged. "Please, please don't blame the BBC" he added, whilst sporting a fetching "BBC = Evilz" T-shirt
Wedding plans - OFF!
Meanwhile, Rousso's fetching partner, Flavour Catchemall (19), is said to be devastated by this VICIOUS ATTACK, as she had planned to develop a close and intimate connection with Rousso, a famous ladies-man. "It's too soon to tell for sure, but I can guarantee that wedding bells were in the air for them, before this happened" said a randonly-selected source we found on the internet.
Expert opinion
Doctor Rentaquoticus, a world-famous footologist, expressed severe doubts as to whether Rousso could dance well without any feet.
"It's Footical Correctness Gone Mad!" said some guy on the street.