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How should I mention this?
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[Deleted User]
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My flatmate's ex-girlfriend (who he split up with in about October) has come back. He got really drunk on Friday night, and I suspect he drunk-dialled.
Trouble is, I cannot stand her. I can't relax knowing she is around - not even in my own room. We lived on the same floor in college halls of residence, and I had bother with her then (just little petty things like nicking my milk).
She is also extremely patronising and overbearing. I can't get a word in edgeways when she is around.
This next point is going to sound petty, but it's quite funny. She turns up and has a shower, and my shampoo, which was a quarter full when I last finished using it, goes down to barely enough to wash my hair when I have my shower.
I don't know how to raise the fact that I hate her with my flatmate. I've just to say got to like him after the ex always came round last time.
I'm the one who's listed as Head Tenant on the contract. I'm the one who did all the legwork to find the flat. My fiance, who also lives here, has already had to stop me asking him to find somewhere else twice because of this (first time round).
I don't know what I should do. I want her to realise that she is not welcome here, but I don't want to upset my flatmate if possible because that would make living here awkward.
Sorry for the long post, but I don't know what to do.
Trouble is, I cannot stand her. I can't relax knowing she is around - not even in my own room. We lived on the same floor in college halls of residence, and I had bother with her then (just little petty things like nicking my milk).
She is also extremely patronising and overbearing. I can't get a word in edgeways when she is around.
This next point is going to sound petty, but it's quite funny. She turns up and has a shower, and my shampoo, which was a quarter full when I last finished using it, goes down to barely enough to wash my hair when I have my shower.
I don't know how to raise the fact that I hate her with my flatmate. I've just to say got to like him after the ex always came round last time.
I'm the one who's listed as Head Tenant on the contract. I'm the one who did all the legwork to find the flat. My fiance, who also lives here, has already had to stop me asking him to find somewhere else twice because of this (first time round).
I don't know what I should do. I want her to realise that she is not welcome here, but I don't want to upset my flatmate if possible because that would make living here awkward.
Sorry for the long post, but I don't know what to do.
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That's irrelevant now - he's there and as long as he is paying the bills you have no business worrying about who he is friends with. If she interferes with your stuff, tell her not to in no uncertain terms. Aside from that just stay out of her way.
I'd make it clear that you don't like her being there and that if she continues to steal your stuff she's banned full stop.
You have the right not to suffer her passive aggression in your own house.
I have AS too and believe me I wouldn't tolerate this kind of behaviour twice, not in my own house, which should be a haven from her sort.
Make it your flatmate's problem each time she gives you problems
-he'll soon get the message.
She's got a right to be treated with respect which this flatmate's gf evidently isn't doing.
Hence she needs to set some boundaries or it will keep happening.
I've been there myself - accommodating this type of person just doesn't work.
Yes exactly. I have a lot of problems with my temper and once I go past the point of no return it can be like a nuclear explosion! Best to nip it in the bud.
What proportion of the rent do you and your fiance pay?
I don't think it';s irrelevant at all - he was allowed to stay in the OPs flat as a favour. Now his GF is abusing the ones who took him in. he should have asked if this girl was welcome; and she shouldn;t be staying often if she;s not paying her way; nor should she be touching other people's things. And why the OP should stay out of someone's way i her own home is beyond me.
However, i wonder if this might all blow over. This couple split in October - it surely won't be long before they start remembering why and split again. If this doesn't happen, then there's no alternative but to speak up. If she stays often, she has to make a contribution to household expenses; she has to realise other people's possessions are off limits. if she makes people uncomfortable, ten she gets told to sling her hook and her BF can go with her.
We pay two thirds - my flatmate pays the rest. I've got no problem with him on that front.
What you need to do is set ground rules for visitors, that your visitors will also follow (even if you only have 1 every 10 years!). One rule as such is that visitors only use the possessions of the people they are there to see or bring their own. So if need be, your flatmate should buy shampoo that she can use when around.
I don't think it is right to ban her (unless she continues to flout the ground rules you lay down) or tell your flatmate you don't like her. When you said the flatmate could stay, unless you had it in writing that he wasn't allowed overnight guests (do you have anything in writing at all? Is he named on the tenancy agreement at all?) then he is entitled to have visitors and you should have taken that into account when deciding if he could stay or not. Of course when visiting they have to respect your house and the rules.
It is upsetting the OP a lot and I cannot see how it can be resolved without confronting the flatmate.
Some of the replies telling the OP to be more tollerant are a little unfair.
My daughter was once in a similar situation to the OP and it became so bad that she dreaded going home at night.
Her tenant was very religious and was selfishly using the living room for meetings and as a prayer room.
She would not even consult my daughter or the other tenant beforehand. They would have been tollerant but it was almost everyday.
The woman's friends were dirty and she never to cleaned up after them.
They also helped themselves to food whether it belonged to the woman or not and never washed up so much as a cup.
The landlord blamed my daughter for accepting this woman as a tenant.
My daughter had no idea that the woman would be having up to four friends in the small flat practically all the time.
In the end the decent tenant moved out and then my daughter gave up and moved out too.
Then tell the girlfriend you are a mentalist who does stuff like that all the time. Take up the violin and practise it when they are having sex, and have arguments with yourself when she's around.
If you can't get rid of the harridan, then you may as well have as much fun at her expense as you can.
Stuff her pillow full of pate, and just claim you thought everyone liked that and you want to make her feel welcome.
It's what I would do. I had a similar situation when my best friend was crashing on my sofa years ago in Uni, and his horrifying girlfriend kept coming round. We hated each other with an inhuman passion. One day I literally could not take the sound of her voice for one more second, so I got up in my underpants, strode into the living room and put a porno on the VHS player and sparked up a joint.
Never saw her round there for two weeks after that. I think the kicker was when my best mate stopped talking to her sat on the other sofa, put his feet up and asked for a drag.
Oh God
Sorry you're having a tough time OP. I've been in a similar situation myself whereby my flatmate's boyfriend just decided he lived in our house now. He was unemployed and would sit around watching our tv and cooking our food all day long whilst the rest of us were out at university :mad:
I didn't exactly handle it ideally. I probably got a bit passive aggressive with him, huffing and puffing when I'd get in from lectures and see that he was still sitting in the same spot as when I left hours earlier. I'd work myself into a tizz before I'd go into the kitchen or bathroom, because I'd be trying to remember what state it was in before I'd left, already anticipating the mess that he would have made in there during the day. I didn't feel comfortable in any of the communal areas of the house and so felt restricted to staying in my bedroom away from him.
In hindsight, I should have just been more forthright and laid down some ground rules with my flatmate rather than suffering for months! I know that's easier said than done, but if you don't try having a frank discussion with your flatmate the situation is unlikely to improve. If you do have the conversation, you might well find that her behaviour improves after she's made to realise how uncomfortable she's making you.