Man's depression

louisa320louisa320 Posts: 7,459
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Hi, just on here to ask if anyone else's partner, (male) has suffered from really bad depression?

He has been like this on and off for a good few months now but
it is now getting worse now :(

He is now signed off work, is acting strange and wanting to me to leave as he is saying he is useless etc... I love him, i want to help him anyway i can. I have tried for him to go and see a councellor but he said that is a no-no!

He is now very aggressive and always angry, trying to cause some sort of conflict between myself but also his own sisters, and mum and dad. His friends have also taken a step back.

Anyone got advice of what i can do to help? Thanks
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  • richardcdonrichardcdon Posts: 556
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    my wife is suffering from depression because she needs me to help he all the time with her been disabled and she cant do normal things. and at time she does get angry at me and i feel the best way that i deal with it is just to let her get on with it and after speaking to her she says that she just takes it out on the people that she loves. and thats what her dad also said.

    maybe just being there for him will be enough tell him your not going anywhere i feel that is the only thing i can do for my wife, is he taking anti depression pills maby that will help, speak to his mam and dad see if hes been through this before

    hope this help you in anyway
  • louisa320louisa320 Posts: 7,459
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    my wife is suffering from depression because she needs me to help he all the time with her been disabled and she cant do normal things. and at time she does get angry at me and i feel the best way that i deal with it is just to let her get on with it and after speaking to her she says that she just takes it out on the people that she loves. and thats what her dad also said.

    maybe just being there for him will be enough tell him your not going anywhere i feel that is the only thing i can do for my wife, is he taking anti depression pills maby that will help, speak to his mam and dad see if hes been through this before

    hope this help you in anyway

    Sorry about your wife, it must be very hard for you.. :(

    I have only been with him over a year, we live together. It is hell at times though, but i am not going to walk out on him, i love him and want to help if i can.

    He shouts, swears, accuses me of having affairs :confused:. He then tells me he gets paranoid when i am at work or go shopping. But he tells me he can't control these feelings now.

    He goes for walks in the middle of the night with the dog, comes in at daft o'clock only to start arguing and being nasty. I just don't get it.

    I have spoken to his parents and both sisters, and they all said no, it is only recently they have noticed a change. I am beginning to think it's me :cry:
  • Nesta RobbinsNesta Robbins Posts: 30,594
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    It's extremely difficult trying to support someone you care about with depression. You feel like you're permanently walking on egg shells, for fear of saying the wrong thing and you try and cope with their anxiety and huge swings in mood.

    I always remember seeing an interview with a woman who was at her wits end, trying to cope with her husband's depression. They came close to splitting up, and she felt very alone, as there wasn't enough support for partners to help them cope. So she decided to write a book to share her experiences and ways she found of eventually "reaching" him.

    Thought I'd pass it on in case it helps.

    Living with Depression: How to Cope When Your Partner is Depressed (previously called Living with the Black Dog) By Caroline Carr

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=How+to+cope+when+your+partner+is+depressed
  • RellyRelly Posts: 3,469
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    Louisa, how old is your boyfriend? Psychotic episodes can start in men between the ages of 16 and 24, you see. I'm not saying it's that, but he's showing some of the signs. It could be depression, but I don't know. If it IS psychosis, don't worry - it's treatable (much easier to treat the earlier it's diagnosed).
  • JulesFJulesF Posts: 6,461
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    I don't really have any helpful advice apart from to say, Louisa, that you need to look after your own physical and mental well-being as well as your partner's. It must be very tough on you. Do you have supportive family and friends you could talk to? Are his family willing to help you try to persuade him to do something about his depression?
  • louisa320louisa320 Posts: 7,459
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    Relly wrote: »
    Louisa, how old is your boyfriend? Psychotic episodes can start in men between the ages of 16 and 24, you see. I'm not saying it's that, but he's showing some of the signs. It could be depression, but I don't know. If it IS psychosis, don't worry - it's treatable (much easier to treat the earlier it's diagnosed).


    He is nearly 33, not so young now! Just been trying to talk to him, but got bawled out the room yet again! He keeps saying it is work related stress. He is a PT but there has been a lot of changes recently in the gym with a new manager, and he wasn't happy about these changes.. But now it is life in general he hates. I am walking on eggg shells, i have butterflies in my stomach every day, i am not sleeping or eating properly. This will sound bad, but i am glad when i am at work.
    As much as i love him, i hate being pushed out etc.

    Thank you all for commenting
  • haphashhaphash Posts: 21,448
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    louisa320 wrote: »
    He is nearly 33, not so young now! Just been trying to talk to him, but got bawled out the room yet again! He keeps saying it is work related stress. He is a PT but there has been a lot of changes recently in the gym with a new manager, and he wasn't happy about these changes.. But now it is life in general he hates. I am walking on eggg shells, i have butterflies in my stomach every day, i am not sleeping or eating properly. This will sound bad, but i am glad when i am at work.
    As much as i love him, i hate being pushed out etc.

    Thank you all for commenting

    I know you love this man but is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Perhaps you should move out for a while for breathing space or at least threaten to if he doesn't go and see a doctor about his problems. This might make him see its time to do something about the problem.

    I know I shouldn't ask this but is there a chance he has been taking steroids?
  • Richard1960Richard1960 Posts: 20,336
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    Hi Depression can be a long and lonely disease to beat caused by a lot of problems.

    I have been suffering depression for around 10 -15 years on and off,i am on Citalopram at the moment and its working wonders.

    Also CBT helped and helped me manage my emotions.

    The worst thing you can do is tell somebody to snap out,i am afraid if the depression is that bad nothing you say can help,only the right GP and treatment will.

    However i hold a full time job down coupled with trade union activities, please try all the therapies open to you,and just be there my depression ended in divorce i hope everything works out for you.:)

    Is your partner getting the treatment he needs which can vary from person to person.

    Kind regards.

    Richard.
  • louisa320louisa320 Posts: 7,459
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    haphash wrote: »
    I know you love this man but is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Perhaps you should move out for a while for breathing space or at least threaten to if he doesn't go and see a doctor about his problems. This might make him see its time to do something about the problem.

    I know I shouldn't ask this but is there a chance he has been taking steroids?


    He does buy items from the internet, but i haven't seen steroids. But i have also thought he might be getting them off colleagues. I am honestly a bit worried to be keeping asking him stuff, as he just shouts and goes in a rage :(. It's definitely not how i want to live my life.

    I did say last night, well early this morning when he came back in that i was going to make an appointment. His reply was fine, he wouldn't turn up.
  • Richard1960Richard1960 Posts: 20,336
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    louisa320 wrote: »
    He does buy items from the internet, but i haven't seen steroids. But i have also thought he might be getting them off colleagues. I am honestly a bit worried to be keeping asking him stuff, as he just shouts and goes in a rage :(. It's definitely not how i want to live my life.

    I did say last night, well early this morning when he came back in that i was going to make an appointment. His reply was fine, he wouldn't turn up.


    Beware if he will not turn up for any treatment you have booked there is little you can do.


    Sorry to have to say that.:(

    He will really have to reach rock bottom before he actually can come back up again.
  • louisa320louisa320 Posts: 7,459
    Forum Member
    Hi Depression can be a long and lonely disease to beat caused by a lot of problems.

    I have been suffering depression for around 10 -15 years on and off,i am on Citalopram at the moment and its working wonders.

    Also CBT helped and helped me manage my emotions.

    The worst thing you can do is tell somebody to snap out,i am afraid if the depression is that bad nothing you say can help,only the right GP and treatment will.

    However i hold a full time job down coupled with trade union activities, please try all the therapies open to you,and just be there my depression ended in divorce i hope everything works out for you.:)

    Is your partner getting the treatment he needs which can vary from person to person.

    Kind regards.

    Richard.

    Hi, sorry about your depression, i hope you get the benefit of the medication you are on though. And good on you for getting the help you needed!

    My b/f is not getting any help, he won't go to the Dr about depression.

    I would never tell him to 'snap' out of it, as i know that is wrong and would not help in the slightest. But i am tired, and so frustrated that the only communication he gives to me is shouting, and being aggressive!

    Thank you
  • StarpussStarpuss Posts: 12,845
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    My husband suffers from depression. It is very, very difficult some days. It took a long time for him to admit he needed help, even longer for us to get the help he actually needs. He has a second lot of, more intense, therapy starting next week. It is a slow process but we have to be hopeful it will work. :(
  • louisa320louisa320 Posts: 7,459
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    [/B]

    Beware if he will not turn up for any treatment you have booked there is little you can do.


    Sorry to have to say that.:(

    I know, i went to work and i didn't book it.
  • louisa320louisa320 Posts: 7,459
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    Starpuss wrote: »
    My husband suffers from depression. It is very, very difficult some days. It took a long time for him to admit he needed help, even longer for us to get the help he actually needs. He has a second lot of, more intense, therapy starting next week. It is a slow process but we have to be hopeful it will work. :(

    He has admitted to me he is depressed, but totally refuses to talk to anyone else about it! It's like he is ashamed of it. I just wish he was back to the guy i met over a year ago.. :(
  • Richard1960Richard1960 Posts: 20,336
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    louisa320 wrote: »
    Hi, sorry about your depression, i hope you get the benefit of the medication you are on though. And good on you for getting the help you needed!

    My b/f is not getting any help, he won't go to the Dr about depression.

    I would never tell him to 'snap' out of it, as i know that is wrong and would not help in the slightest. But i am tired, and so frustrated that the only communication he gives to me is shouting, and being aggressive!

    Thank you

    Please the only thing you can do is to build a shell around you to protect yourself.

    One thing i learnt from my sessions is this "you have to hit rock bottom" sometimes.

    You may have a bumpy ride ahead you really do need to protect yourself from emotional harm.

    Are there other members of the family who could help such as his parents persuading him he needs to see his GP.:)
  • StarpussStarpuss Posts: 12,845
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    louisa320 wrote: »
    He has admitted to me he is depressed, but totally refuses to talk to anyone else about it! It's like he is ashamed of it. I just wish he was back to the guy i met over a year ago.. :(

    He might very well be ashamed. It took ages for my husband to go to the doctors and actually say to someone other than me he was depressed. Even then he didn't put it that way. I think he said something like 'I've been feeling low'. An understatement.

    I remember that grim time between him saying to me he was sad and us going to an appointment with the GP. It wears you down. All I can say is if you are determined to stay with him (and you don't have to do that, you have alternatives) then just focus on the next step. One victory over depression at a time
  • louisa320louisa320 Posts: 7,459
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    Please the only thing you can do is to build a shell around you to protect yourself.

    One thing i learnt from my sessions is this "you have to hit rock bottom" sometimes.

    You may have a bumpy ride ahead you really do need to protect yourself from emotional harm.

    Are there other members of the family who could help such as his parents persuading him he needs to see his GP.:)


    Unfortunately he will not let anyone else in, if that makes sense? They know the way he has been acting, but don't interfere.

    I asked a work colleague (Dr) to have a word with him, but that didn't go down well as i had mentioned him at work.

    Sorry, i am going on so going to shhhh! Thanks all for replying, much appreciated
  • Richard1960Richard1960 Posts: 20,336
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    louisa320 wrote: »
    Unfortunately he will not let anyone else in, if that makes sense? They know the way he has been acting, but don't interfere.

    I asked a work colleague (Dr) to have a word with him, but that didn't go down well as i had mentioned him at work.

    Sorry, i am going on so going to shhhh! Thanks all for replying, much appreciated

    That was me i did not anybody in looking back i can see that was wrong.

    It makes sense in every way i can completely sympathise unfortunately he will not get help until he reaches the bottom.

    You may need a break it will not be easy as if depression has set in its serious,and it will take your health with it as i now realise about my former partner,please its not his fault if he is not taking anything bad,its an illness but one that carries a stigma.

    People can see a broken arm but not a broken mind,and its definitely not a weakness.

    Please take care of yourself foremost.

    Kind Regards.

    Richard.
  • haphashhaphash Posts: 21,448
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    louisa320 wrote: »
    He does buy items from the internet, but i haven't seen steroids. But i have also thought he might be getting them off colleagues. I am honestly a bit worried to be keeping asking him stuff, as he just shouts and goes in a rage :(. It's definitely not how i want to live my life.

    Taking steroids can cause anger issues that's the reason I asked. What is he buying over the internet? perhaps this is the reason for the change in his personality?

    Don't really know what to advise you to do now, but be careful.
  • louisa320louisa320 Posts: 7,459
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    haphash wrote: »
    Taking steroids can cause anger issues that's the reason I asked. What is he buying over the internet? perhaps this is the reason for the change in his personality?

    Don't really know what to advise you to do now, but be careful.

    Yes, i know steroids make people angry and aggressive etc. I have seen the stuff he gets but none have ever been steroids.. Its stuff like Niacin, 5-HTP, shakes. That sort of thing. He has been taking this since i met him, but he wasn't like this before.
  • louisa320louisa320 Posts: 7,459
    Forum Member


    That was me i did not anybody in looking back i can see that was wrong.

    It makes sense in every way i can completely sympathise unfortunately he will not get help until he reaches the bottom.

    You may need a break it will not be easy as if depression has set in its serious,and it will take your health with it as i now realise about my former partner,please its not his fault if he is not taking anything bad,its an illness but one that carries a stigma.

    People can see a broken arm but not a broken mind,and its definitely not a weakness.

    Please take care of yourself foremost.

    Kind Regards.

    Richard.

    Thank you, i will take care. Hope you feel ok soon :)
  • frisky pythonfrisky python Posts: 9,737
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    As someone with depression and anxiety I agree with Richard1960. You can't really help him to be honest if he won't ask for help or agree to talk about it with professionals.

    You can be there for him and try and just listen. But you must also protect yourself from it too, no point in both of you suffering and being unwell.
  • Poppy99_PoppyPoppy99_Poppy Posts: 2,255
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    Could he be smoking dope? Causes paranoia and anger issues in some people.
  • louisa320louisa320 Posts: 7,459
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    Could he be smoking dope? Causes paranoia and anger issues in some people.


    No Poppy, a definite no on that.. I would smell it for one. He is a total health freak and is very against smoking let alone pot. I do know what it does to people though.

    Thank you for your comment though :)
  • RellyRelly Posts: 3,469
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    Something's definitely triggered him, by the sounds of it. :(

    When a person's like this for mental health reasons, they can be the last person to realise they need help. It makes it very hard to live with, deal with and get help for them. The only thing I can add to the above advice is that you see his GP on his behalf and discuss the problems. It'd have to be without your partner knowing, seeing as he's aggressive with you. You can ask the GP for full confidentiality, so he doesn't get to know, and tell the GP why you need that.

    It's a difficult one, and I wish you all the best. x
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