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Is my decision right, my ex?
I am 36, male. He is 54. We met in Aug 2012 when I was on my holiday in Scotland. He is separated with his wife five years ago; three children, age 19-23 but none of them talking to him. He supports his youngest son in university. He is in the middle of divorce, and fighting with his pension and property. I am a teacher in England, no baggage and we have a bit distance. We manage to see each other every month.
I loved him so much and made lot efforts to make it work for us. Apart from the lovely things we did in the last a year and half as a couple, we had four major events.
Firstly, Jan 2013, he lied to me about a ‘friend’ visited him. He claimed that they stayed in the same bed but no sex. Eventually, wanted break up with me as he thinks he did not feel in bed with me. I talked him through and we got back.
Secondly, July 2013, he wanted to break up with me after he disappeared in a weekend. He called me on Monday as nothing has happened. When I asked him, he told me that he did not want to talk about it and he wanted to finish the relationship with me. I talked him through and we were back.
Thirdly, New Year 2014. We went to a bar to celebrate New Year. He went off with several guys in front of me. When I told him that I was tired. He asked me to go home first and he can stay a bit longer.
Lastly, March 2014. He disappeared a weekend, and no calls and texts like last time. He blocked me. When I use my friend’s phone to call him, and he said he wants to break up with me. This time, I never called him again. He texted and call me several times. He emailed me to imply that he loves me. He worried about me and wanted to me friends with me.
My reaction was very calm. I did not reply any phone calls and texts for two weeks. I replied to his email to say that I am fine. We can be friends of course. We will meet up sometime. He replied that we have histories and hard to forget. I sent my bank details and asked him to transfer the money he borrowed from me. I never talk about my feelings with him.
We had a great time together and he is a nice guy when things are OK. He has had a great impact in my life, such as career.
I feel ok and met another guy in London last week. I think about my ex sometimes but I think it is time for me to move on. We had a great time when the things are OK. But terrible nightmare when the things are not right like what I described above.
One thing bothers me a lot is our Japan holiday in August 2014. We booked it last year and what should I do? My family is in Japan. If we are not together anymore, should I still go with him or just wish he can cancel it.
My mind is clear but my heart always sinks when I think about my ex. I post this message here to share with you and wish to receive some comments about my decision. Thanks very much for reading my story.
I loved him so much and made lot efforts to make it work for us. Apart from the lovely things we did in the last a year and half as a couple, we had four major events.
Firstly, Jan 2013, he lied to me about a ‘friend’ visited him. He claimed that they stayed in the same bed but no sex. Eventually, wanted break up with me as he thinks he did not feel in bed with me. I talked him through and we got back.
Secondly, July 2013, he wanted to break up with me after he disappeared in a weekend. He called me on Monday as nothing has happened. When I asked him, he told me that he did not want to talk about it and he wanted to finish the relationship with me. I talked him through and we were back.
Thirdly, New Year 2014. We went to a bar to celebrate New Year. He went off with several guys in front of me. When I told him that I was tired. He asked me to go home first and he can stay a bit longer.
Lastly, March 2014. He disappeared a weekend, and no calls and texts like last time. He blocked me. When I use my friend’s phone to call him, and he said he wants to break up with me. This time, I never called him again. He texted and call me several times. He emailed me to imply that he loves me. He worried about me and wanted to me friends with me.
My reaction was very calm. I did not reply any phone calls and texts for two weeks. I replied to his email to say that I am fine. We can be friends of course. We will meet up sometime. He replied that we have histories and hard to forget. I sent my bank details and asked him to transfer the money he borrowed from me. I never talk about my feelings with him.
We had a great time together and he is a nice guy when things are OK. He has had a great impact in my life, such as career.
I feel ok and met another guy in London last week. I think about my ex sometimes but I think it is time for me to move on. We had a great time when the things are OK. But terrible nightmare when the things are not right like what I described above.
One thing bothers me a lot is our Japan holiday in August 2014. We booked it last year and what should I do? My family is in Japan. If we are not together anymore, should I still go with him or just wish he can cancel it.
My mind is clear but my heart always sinks when I think about my ex. I post this message here to share with you and wish to receive some comments about my decision. Thanks very much for reading my story.
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Comments
Sadly I don't think it's possible to be friends at this point either; the feelings are too raw and it sounds like you might be tempted back. Send him a letter/email asking for the money so there is some record of it. Then cut him off totally and concentrate on yourself and maybe this new guy in London.
I have sent him my band details for money but to be honest, money is not the issue.
In his messages to me after we broke up, he asked me if I am OK, he worried about me, and he misses me. He said in this email that he only love 7 people in his life including me. But I doubt he ever loved me. He did not mention his wife who shared life with him for 25 years. This poor woman gave up her career for the family which he broke up completely.
Well I have to thank him to help me to decide. I know I could not leave him even I had enough of lies. He actually helped me at this stage.
Any suggestions for our holidays in August? I can not ask him to cancel it. We can be on the same flight and he can do his trip by himself and I will go home to visit my parents. Not sure what he is going to do. Maybe I should just leave it and he will ask me later anyway?
I want to visit my parents for holiday in Japan. I can still go but just do not want to be a tour guide for him in Japan for two weeks while I can spend more time with my family.
As for the Japan trip, maybe you could find someone else (a friend, relative, sibling) to go with you and offer to buy him out? Not sure you can change the name on a plane ticket though.
I'd look into either cancelling your ticket or changing the date (if the fee is reasonable) so you're not flying on the same plane. Then he can keep his ticket and do what he wants.
He mentioned 7 people are: his sister, cousin, his mum (who passed away last year, I flew all the way from England to Scotland for the funeral. ), his three boys and me. He said to me that he know how much he misses me , therefore he knows he loves me. I do not believe what he said. He does one thing but says another thing. He should win Oscar best actor in 2014.
Okay, I misunderstood, I thought you meant 7 romantic loves. You are right not to believe him though. Hope you can get the Japan trip sorted. Even if you somehow can't avoid being on the same flight, sit somewhere far away from him and run like the wind when you land at the airport. You are under no obligation to spend any time with him in Japan and certainly not to be his tour guide.
This is the email he sent to me, I have deleted the names here
'How do I start this letter
I felt so thoroughly bad and depressed since I spoke to you last Sunday,
I have told you before I don't kno what love is, maybe because my dad left when i was little or maybe because I have more of him in me than I would like to admit,
In any case I think i have loss touch with reality and with the things in life that really matter, I now think that love is measureable in terms of how much you miss someone. How much you think about them, how much you value the happy memories you had together and how much they make you happy, There are only really 7 people in my life that fall into that group NXXX GXXX You my boys and my mum.
I miss our little chats in the morning I miss our chats and texts at night and just hope you do not hate me, '
I have read this email several times but I do not understand what he is trying to say to me. He implies he loves me but never apologised for what he has done, or at least explain himself.
Forget the email, forget him, move on.
As for the holiday, go on your own, leave him to go on his own if he wants to but don't go together. He'll probably just go off with someone else knowing his history!!
But definately don't do him any favours, he doesn't deserve it.
Judge him by his actions, not his words. He did not treat you like he loved you when you were together. I would urge you to break off all contact and maybe block his emails/number if you can. At some point in the future (a few years down the line), you may be able to be friends, but more than likely you won't even want to by that point.
I know it is hard to look back. I listened him too much and ignored lots of signals and actions he made. I made myself available for him all the time and he took advantage of it. Now I hold back, of course, he misses me, my company. He is regretting his decision or who knows, maybe he is happy now.
I do not want to be used by him again, and I will seek some advice about my holidays and maybe I can change the flight date.
Do you think I am morally right to tell him, ' I will not go on holiday with you, and you should consider this trip yourself.' ??
You just worry about your own holiday.
The guy is a waste of space who is trying to emotionally blackmail you so that he can use you as and when it suits him.
Delete the email, block his number and try and rebook or sell your flights so that you don't have to meet him on the plane.
It's a no brainer; you are best off cutting this jerk out of your life completely and making a fresh start.
Read between the lines. He says he doesn't know what love is and that is true when you consider how he has treated his so much loved family and you. You can do better than such a selfish man. He likes hour listening ear, loyalty, availability when he feels like it, your absence when he feels like that. Go to Japan and enjoy visiting your family. Ignore him.
That email is all about him, not you. He is trying to make himself feel better with this imo, not you. I think you should respond with a nice neutral email telling him that you don't hate him, but you don't want to be in a relationship, romantic or as a friend with him right now and wish him well.
Move on, find someone who values you more than this guy seemed to.
Best of luck
I would go to Japan if I were you - why should you miss out on an opportunity to visit your family because of him?
Of course, if he has paid for his fair share then he is entitled to go to.
I would let him know you intend on going and he can do what he likes. With any luck he'll do the decent thing and cancel his ticket but if he plans on going then make it perfectly clear that you are both going individually and not as a couple and that you don't plan on spending any time with him in Japan - except the flights of course if you have pre-booked seats together. If you don't then fine, just avoid him on the flight, if you do then you should try contacting the airline to see if yours can be changed.
Agreed, previous threads confirm this too.
http://forums.digitalspy.co.uk/showthread.php?t=1855541&highlight=
http://forums.digitalspy.co.uk/showthread.php?t=1790656&highlight=
Thanks for pointing out this to me. I have had such a mixed feeling with him. When I read my previous stories and I regret that I forgave him and tolerated him for so long.
My life is better without him. He is a nice person when things fit in his needs. He does not care about me at all by reading his email. It is all about him.
I will get in touch with British Airline and change my flights next week.
I gave it to him last week. He will pay me next month, and it is only a few hundred. He said he may spread the payments over a few month. To be honest, I prefer just pay me once. But I said yes to him, just wait for the money. it is not a big issue for me really.
Just make sure he pays it ALL back to you, however long it may take.