some help/advice/kind words needed...

[Deleted User] · 29/12/10 - 20:57

Hi all,

I recently posted on here about losing my mum to cancer in July. It came on very suddenly, within the space of about 4-6 weeks, she passed away

I'm 26, was at her bedside 24/7 during all of this, etc... I was SO close to her, we were more like best friends. I lost my dad 2 years ago also, but we weren't close at all... saying that, I've still lost both my parents at 26 and I'm struggling to cope.

I do feel in some way I haven't fully grieved for my mum... maybe my dad too, but that's not on the same level as far as I'm concerned. It's only recently... christmas time, that I find myself feeling depressed, alone, crying uncontrolably, struggling to find a reason to carry on, etc...I'm at a total loss. I have no close friends who are local, no real family besides my 2 half-brothers.. who have been great, but I can't be texting them all the time, they have their own lives going on... it's a long story

But all in all... I'm 100% alone and I'm honestly struggling to cope.

I'm just looking for some kind words, some advice from anyone who's been through the same thing maybe or anything... just some help really. Please

thank you if you've taken the time to read this x

queenshaks · 29/12/10 - 21:06

Awww Katie, your post made me cry

(((((((hugs)))) to you. Have you made an appointment to see your GP and have a chat?

[Deleted User] · 29/12/10 - 21:07

Hi Katie
I also lost my Mum and Dad at a young age. I dont know what to say to comfort you as words never will. It will be your own journey of acceptance and if I could ever help in any tiny way I would be more than happy. My journey has been hard and long, and not to be obvious, but time is a healer. However no one will understand your pain as it is yours, as mine was mine. My thoughts are with you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Deleted User] · 29/12/10 - 21:09

I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention to make anyone upset... or even feel sorry for me.

I'm not after sympathy, this is my life now.. I know that. I just don't know what to do in order to move forward anymore.

I saw my GP a few months back, not long after my mum passed... he just gave me anti-depressants, which to be honest, I haven't even started taking. How will they help, eh... it's not like they'll bring my mum back

#grotbags# · 29/12/10 - 21:09

Oh, I'm so very sorry you are feeling the way you are. Your post brought lump to my throat.

I lost both my parents by the time I was 12, and like you I feel it for my Mum more. I still have days (17 & 15 years on) where I feel completely let down by life and just have a good cry to myself, so don't be thinking that how you feel is wrong in anyway.

You say you have few friends locally, so can't you go to where your friends are? Or would you consider counselling? Even writing your mum a letter will help, I've done this a few times over the years. It doesn't have to be all doom and gloom. Now I have good things and good people in my life to tell her about. I just wish she could be here to share it.

I'm sorry I can't really say anything to help you feel better, because I was much younger and this is all so new to you, but take some comfort in knowing that even complete strangers are thinking of you and wishing you the very, very best.

Take care.

x

queenshaks · 29/12/10 - 21:10

Katie841 wrote: »

I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention to make anyone upset... or even feel sorry for me. I'm not after sympathy, this is my life now.. I know that. I just don't know what to do in order to move forward anymore.

I saw my GP a few months back, not long after my mum passed... he just gave me anti-depressants, which to be honest, I haven't even started taking. How will they help, eh... it's not like they'll bring my mum back

Have they offered counsellors?

I wasn't feeling sorry for you, just sorry for the situation. I'd die without my parents (well that's how I feel) and I'm nearly twice your age.

Time is a great healer...

Shadow27 · 29/12/10 - 21:11

Oh sweetie that's so sad and what you are feeling is normal. Grief is painful but natural and I think that Christmas amplifies all these emotions that you might think you've got over - at least the worst anyway - mostly as it's all happy families and the media takes no account for those of us who are not blessed with such a situation.

Have you thought about talking to Cruse? There are lots of advice on their website that might comfort you. Do you think that one of your friends might welcome you for a bit of break from your usual routine? My best friend lost her mum to cancer 6 years ago just before Christmas and I always take her two daughters out for that day or have them over the weekend so she has some space to remember her mum without upsetting her little ones. Either that or my friend comes to me and we have a good natter about her mum and visit her grave. What I am trying to say is talk to your friends to and confide in them, they'd be so sad to read this thread and would love to help you I am sure.

Here is Cruse's link - take care (hug)
www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk

[Deleted User] · 29/12/10 - 21:13

It is hard to move forward as I dont think it is something "you will get over" but you have to accept it as part of your life, I dont know about anti depressents but you have a different story to probably most of your peers and that makes it harder.

[Deleted User] · 29/12/10 - 21:16

I don't think I can offer you any wise words or trite solutions, but I can send you a damn big hug and say you sound like an amazingly brave person to be dealing with things the way you have.

((((Katie))))

[Deleted User] · 29/12/10 - 21:19

#grotbags# wrote: »

Oh, I'm so very sorry you are feeling the way you are. Your post brought lump to my throat.

I lost both my parents by the time I was 12, and like you I feel it for my Mum more. I still have days (17 & 15 years on) where I feel completely let down by life and just have a good cry to myself, so don't be thinking that how you feel is wrong in anyway.

You say you have few friends locally, so can't you go to where your friends are? Or would you consider counselling? Even writing your mum a letter will help, I've done this a few times over the years. It doesn't have to be all doom and gloom. Now I have good things and good people in my life to tell her about. I just wish she could be here to share it.

I'm sorry I can't really say anything to help you feel better, because I was much younger and this is all so new to you, but take some comfort in knowing that even complete strangers are thinking of you and wishing you the very, very best.

Take care.

x

I'm sorry for your losses too

and yes, I can relate to that... I also feel let down by life. I see people everyday going on their daily business, etc... and I do think "why me?", I'm not a bad person... yet I've been dealt this awful hand by life. I can't get my head around it at all

Yeah, I've visited a few friends, they've been to see me, etc.. but it's obviously not the same as having someone you can just go and see whenever you fancy. I don't feel counselling would help... how will talking about a bad situation help

and in regards to writing my mum a letter... it'd just upset me far too much knowing she'll never, ever read it. I just miss her SO much

Thanks for your reply though x

[Deleted User] · 29/12/10 - 21:21

queenshaks wrote: »

Have they offered counsellors?

I wasn't feeling sorry for you, just sorry for the situation. I'd die without my parents (well that's how I feel) and I'm nearly twice your age.

Time is a great healer...

Plenty of people have offered me counselling, yes. I just don't see how talking & reminding myself of what I no longer have, and will never have, will help me

x

[Deleted User] · 29/12/10 - 21:22

Shadow27 wrote: »

Oh sweetie that's so sad and what you are feeling is normal. Grief is painful but natural and I think that Christmas amplifies all these emotions that you might think you've got over - at least the worst anyway - mostly as it's all happy families and the media takes no account for those of us who are not blessed with such a situation.

Have you thought about talking to Cruse? There are lots of advice on their website that might comfort you. Do you think that one of your friends might welcome you for a bit of break from your usual routine? My best friend lost her mum to cancer 6 years ago just before Christmas and I always take her two daughters out for that day or have them over the weekend so she has some space to remember her mum without upsetting her little ones. Either that or my friend comes to me and we have a good natter about her mum and visit her grave. What I am trying to say is talk to your friends to and confide in them, they'd be so sad to read this thread and would love to help you I am sure.

Here is Cruse's link - take care (hug)
www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk

Thanks for your kind reply.

Yeah, this time of year is definitely making me feel worse.
I haven't heard of Cruse before, but thank you for the link x

Moonbean · 29/12/10 - 21:23

I'm so sorry for you, especially at this time of year. Is there no way you can move nearer/visit your friends so they can support you? Best wishes.xx

[Deleted User] · 29/12/10 - 21:23

muffin789 wrote: »

I don't think I can offer you any wise words or trite solutions, but I can send you a damn big hug and say you sound like an amazingly brave person to be dealing with things the way you have.

((((Katie))))

Thank you. I'm anything but brave though... I wouldn't be feeling this way if I was. I even feel like I'm letting my mum down for crying & acting this way, to be honest

but thanks for your kind reply x

[Deleted User] · 29/12/10 - 21:25

Moonbean wrote: »

I'm so sorry for you, especially at this time of year. Is there no way you can move nearer/visit your friends so they can support you? Best wishes.xx

Thanks. My two half-brothers live local, I see them pretty regularly... my other family haven't even been in touch with me over Christmas, which to me speaks volumes & i'll never forget it.. they know all I've been through after all. so, apart from my brothers... I'm alone

hence me struggling to carry on now

Gage · 29/12/10 - 21:26

When ever you feel down, just remember that your mum and dad are both watching you from above and one day you will see them again.

The best way to deal with situations like this is becoming pro-active, join a cause, hobby or interest to put your mind at ease and stop you drifting into depression.

Sorry for your loss.

StressMonkey · 29/12/10 - 21:31

Katie, do please try the counseling. It really did help my mum when my grandmother died. And consider the anti-depressants. When we suffer the terrible grief of a bereavement we can get stuck in ways of thinking and behaving. The anti-depressants can level out the depression and that can make the counseling more effective.

You've been through a lot. I hope you can start to heal soon.

academia · 29/12/10 - 21:32

Katie841 wrote: »

Hi all,

I recently posted on here about losing my mum to cancer in July. It came on very suddenly, within the space of about 4-6 weeks, she passed away I'm 26, was at her bedside 24/7 during all of this, etc... I was SO close to her, we were more like best friends. I lost my dad 2 years ago also, but we weren't close at all... saying that, I've still lost both my parents at 26 and I'm struggling to cope.

I do feel in some way I haven't fully grieved for my mum... maybe my dad too, but that's not on the same level as far as I'm concerned. It's only recently... christmas time, that I find myself feeling depressed, alone, crying uncontrolably, struggling to find a reason to carry on, etc...I'm at a total loss. I have no close friends who are local, no real family besides my 2 half-brothers.. who have been great, but I can't be texting them all the time, they have their own lives going on... it's a long story But all in all... I'm 100% alone and I'm honestly struggling to cope.

I'm just looking for some kind words, some advice from anyone who's been through the same thing maybe or anything... just some help really. Please thank you if you've taken the time to read this x

This is so sad to read, Katie. It's not surprising that you are grieving so much when you had such a wonderful relationship with your Mum. You are young to be so alone - don't hesitate to contact your brothers. You're all family and this is what you need right now.
I understand what you mean by saying that you feel you haven't grieved fully yet - life has a way of sweeping you along even when you feel that the world has come to an end. Now it;s Christmas and the New Year and the memories come flooding in and the sense of loss. Give in to it - get out the photos, pick over the memories. Have a good cry. Then remember how proud she was of you - no more talk of struggling to find reasons to go on. That would disappoint her.
All I can say is that time helps. It will get easier although you may not believe that now.- trust me on that. In the mean time, have you thought of contacting CRUISE to speak to a counsellor? They were a tremendous help when I reached crisis point after my father's death. They listen and listen - you can cry or you can remember, you can get angry - they are so understanding and helpful.and somehow getting it all put there helps.
Keep in touch wth your friends too - don;t shut yourself away once you get into the New Year.
You take care of yourself. Bless you.

mrsmetropolis · 29/12/10 - 21:35

Hi Katie, after what you have experienced your feelings are understandable. Talking to others can help, even getting other peoples views and kind words on here is a positive thing. Some people find it helpful to write their thoughts and feelings down in a journal.
Take one day at a time and honestly many of us have been through similar situations and will really feel for you. In time you will find it won't hurt quite as much and you will become stronger and gain comfort from happy memories. You are you Mum's daughter and as such she will always be a part of you.

Take care of yourself love xxxxxx

queenshaks · 29/12/10 - 21:45

Katie841 wrote: »

Plenty of people have offered me counselling, yes. I just don't see how talking & reminding myself of what I no longer have, and will never have, will help me

x

I understand where you're coming from about counsellors.

Deleted.

Kittycat73 · 29/12/10 - 21:45

Katie841 wrote: »

I'm sorry for your losses too and yes, I can relate to that... I also feel let down by life. I see people everyday going on their daily business, etc... and I do think "why me?", I'm not a bad person... yet I've been dealt this awful hand by life. I can't get my head around it at all

Yeah, I've visited a few friends, they've been to see me, etc.. but it's obviously not the same as having someone you can just go and see whenever you fancy. I don't feel counselling would help... how will talking about a bad situation help and in regards to writing my mum a letter... it'd just upset me far too much knowing she'll never, ever read it. I just miss her SO much

Thanks for your reply though x

I know you think talking therapies won't help but you don't know until you try. For instance, in CBT (Cognative Behavioural Therapy.) you are taught about distored thinking, which people under stress usually do. There are lots of different types and thoughts. One in particular reminds me of your post. It's accepting life isn't fair. I take it from your above post that you feel like you are being unjustly treated or punished? That you've done nothing to deserve this pain. Of course you haven't in any way. Accepting that life isn't fair and that good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people will help ease you mind and maybe, just maybe take a little pain or pressure away.
I hope I have explained that correctly (It's been a while since I had CBT!) and that it's understandable.

Katie841 wrote: »

Thank you. I'm anything but brave though... I wouldn't be feeling this way if I was. I even feel like I'm letting my mum down for crying & acting this way, to be honest but thanks for your kind reply x

You certainly ARE brave. You have a lot on your plate right now and although you think you aren't coping, you are, so stop beating yourself up about it.

I know you don't see it right now but you are. Keep reaching out to people when you need it. I'm sure your brothers would rather you call them hundreds of time a day rather than suffer on your own. If you really don't feel like calling them there is always the Samaritans, they are not just there for suicidal people. Their website ( http://www.samaritans.org/ ) states:

Samaritans provides confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day for people who are experiencing feelings of distress or despair, including those which could lead to suicide.

Whatever you're going through, whether it's big or small, don't bottle it up. We are here for you if you're worried about something, feel upset or confused, or just want to talk to someone.

Lastly, I'm so sorry that you are going through what you are Katie. I know nothing I could ever say could make up for what you have been through and are going through. All I can say though is that there is hope. I know it doesn't feel like it but there is. One day you will not feel so raw.
I wish you all the best and hope you find the love and comfort you need. (((HUGS)))

[Deleted User] · 29/12/10 - 21:46

academia wrote: »

This is so sad to read, Katie. It's not surprising that you are grieving so much when you had such a wonderful relationship with your Mum. You are young to be so alone - don't hesitate to contact your brothers. You're all family and this is what you need right now.
I understand what you mean by saying that you feel you haven't grieved fully yet - life has a way of sweeping you along even when you feel that the world has come to an end. Now it;s Christmas and the New Year and the memories come flooding in and the sense of loss. Give in to it - get out the photos, pick over the memories. Have a good cry. Then remember how proud she was of you - no more talk of struggling to find reasons to go on. That would disappoint her.
All I can say is that time helps. It will get easier although you may not believe that now.- trust me on that. In the mean time, have you thought of contacting CRUISE to speak to a counsellor? They were a tremendous help when I reached crisis point after my father's death. They listen and listen - you can cry or you can remember, you can get angry - they are so understanding and helpful.and somehow getting it all put there helps.
Keep in touch wth your friends too - don;t shut yourself away once you get into the New Year.
You take care of yourself. Bless you.

thank you for your kind words. maybe I will try talking to CRUISE in the new year... just realised they aren't open now

typical, eh. sorry for your loss also x

[Deleted User] · 29/12/10 - 21:53

Kittycat73 wrote: »

You certainly ARE brave. You have a lot on your plate right now and although you think you aren't coping, you are, so stop beating yourself up about it. I know you don't see it right now but you are. Keep reaching out to people when you need it.

Lastly, I'm so sorry that you are going through what you are Katie. I know nothing I could ever say could make up for what you have been through and are going through. All I can say though is that there is hope. I know it doesn't feel like it but there is. One day you will not feel so raw.
I wish you all the best and hope you find the love and comfort you need. (((HUGS)))

So, why don't I see it as I'm being brave? I'm just carrying on... day by day. Lately, I'm honestly struggling to see why... and I'd never usually say that.. and I know my mum would hate it

I just don't see a reason.

thank you for your kind words. I really do appreciate it x

queenshaks · 29/12/10 - 21:58

Sorry, didn't mean to leave my problems on your thread Katie.

[Deleted User] · 29/12/10 - 22:01

queenshaks wrote: »

Sorry, didn't mean to leave my problems on your thread Katie.

Please don't apologise. I'm sorry for your situation

I didn't want pity... I'm the person who hates people who look for that..

I just wanted some constructive advice. I appreciate all the replies I've had here... if anything, it makes me feel sad I don't have any local friends. But hey, I'll accept what I can get

#grotbags# · 29/12/10 - 22:07

Katie, why is it that you are a distance away from your friends?

Hey there!

Quick Links

some help/advice/kind words needed...

Comments