I was speaking to a friend recently and the subject of infidelity came up. I have been in a happy relationship with my husband for 10 years and I trust him 100% and I said (and this is just my personal opinion - I'm not trying to force it on anyone else) that if he ever cheated on me I would walk away because I would not be able to trust him completely ever again (although I am not a jealous person I think it would destroy what trust I had and would probably make me constantly suspicious of him, which in the long term wouldn't be fair on either of us). We have a child together and I would(I hope) keep things as amicable as possible for her sake and never stop him seeing her. Anyway my friend criticised me as, in her view, I should "fight for my marriage" and "if I feel like that why did I get married in the first place?"
Now, I appreciate that not everyone will agree with me on this, and fair enough, but surely there are some people who have a similar opinion? Or do you think that you should stick with a marriage, no matter what?
I will also add that I can understand that you would probably have to actually be in this situation to know for sure what you would do.
People cheat for all sorts of reasons and there are different types of cheating. I think when it happens the person who's been cheated on has to sit down and take a hard look at their marriage and see what has happened.
There are people who cheat because they just have that type of personality and will always be habitual cheaters, but I think far more often cheating happens because something has gone drastically wrong in the relationship for which the fault lies on both sides.
All sorts of things can happen, if you emotionally or sexually withdraw yourself from a relationship then I don't think you can entirely blame the other party if they cheat.
Also, when I hear people say categorically, 'If my partner cheated on me I'd dump him' I usually think that they probably don't love their partner that much. If you can walk away that easily without even trying to save it or work out what went wrong and what drove them to it then I don't think that you yourself are that committed to the relationship in the first place which may well, if your partner strays, be a big part of the reason they did if they know you are only into them in a half arsed way and your love is extremely conditional.
People cheat for all sorts of reasons and there are different types of cheating. I think when it happens the person who's been cheated on has to sit down and take a hard look at their marriage and see what has happened.
There are people who cheat because they just have that type of personality and will always be habitual cheaters, but I think far more often cheating happens because something has gone drastically wrong in the relationship for which the fault lies on both sides.
All sorts of things can happen, if you emotionally or sexually withdraw yourself from a relationship then I don't think you can entirely blame the other party if they cheat.
Also, when I hear people say categorically, 'If my partner cheated on me I'd dump him' I usually think that they probably don't love their partner that much. If you can walk away that easily without even trying to save it or work out what went wrong and what drove them to it then I don't think that you yourself are that committed to the relationship in the first place which may well, if your partner strays, be a big part of the reason they did if they know you are only into them in a half arsed way and your love is extremely conditional.
that's one way of looking at it or they could just feel that a major trust has been violated and know in themselves that it would not be possible to carry on as before.
I also don't necessarily think that if you have sex with another person whilst in a relationship it means there is something wrong with your relationship. Of course in a lot of cases there is something fundamentally wrong, but I think in some cases at least infidelity occurs just because the opportunity presents itself and the person finds it too tempting to turn down. Whilst that may be a sign of a weak personality, I don't think it has to mean that you don't love or respect your partner.
I used to be of the opinion that I would never forgive infidelity (because it would mean my partner wasn't the person I thought he was), but not so anymore. For me, one-off or short term sexual affair is forgiveable once.
People cheat for all sorts of reasons and there are different types of cheating. I think when it happens the person who's been cheated on has to sit down and take a hard look at their marriage and see what has happened.
There are people who cheat because they just have that type of personality and will always be habitual cheaters, but I think far more often cheating happens because something has gone drastically wrong in the relationship for which the fault lies on both sides.
All sorts of things can happen, if you emotionally or sexually withdraw yourself from a relationship then I don't think you can entirely blame the other party if they cheat.
Also, when I hear people say categorically, 'If my partner cheated on me I'd dump him' I usually think that they probably don't love their partner that much. If you can walk away that easily without even trying to save it or work out what went wrong and what drove them to it then I don't think that you yourself are that committed to the relationship in the first place which may well, if your partner strays, be a big part of the reason they did if they know you are only into them in a half arsed way and your love is extremely conditional.
Great post.
Anyway, why stop at "cheating" being the big dealbreaker?
Surely it's just as hard to forgive if someone hits you, drains the bank account to fund an addiction (not necessarily drugs, alcohol or gambling...they could be obsessed with collecting vintage toys) or is just indifferent to your needs and wants as a human being.
If your partner has sex with someone else it really needn't be the instant end of the relationship.
tbf he made the same commitment not to put his dick in another person but broke it, i dont think people should feel forced into giving it another go just coz they got married and had kids, kids can tell if your unhappy and it will damage them in the long term if you force it.
nowt wrong with walking away if you cant face it.
I agree with all the post quoted, especially the bit in bold. IF my husband cheated on me I'd be off - and don't anyone bother reminding me of my commitment if he managed to conveniently forget his.
My first husband cheated and I stayed with him. We worked through the 'problems' and I forgave. I actually ended up taking on the guilt and believing it was me that had pushed him into cheating. Then he did it again ... and again ... until I left. He saw being forgiven as being given permission to do it again whenever he felt like it. Our big marriage problem was that he was a serial adulterer and liar who couldn't keep it in his pants. He has since been married another twice and cheated on both his other ex-wives.
No more forgive and forget for me - it marks you out as a doormat.
that's one way of looking at it or they could just feel that a major trust has been violated and know in themselves that it would not be possible to carry on as before.
It's never possible to carry on as before, particularly as if there was something so wrong in the relationship one partner cheated it may not be desirable to. But to state categorically under any circumstances you would dump your partner if they cheated on you without making any allowance for circumstances does make me think that you probably don't love them that much. Because if you really loved someone you'd at least make the effort to find out exactly what had happened and more importantly why before chucking the whole thing in, particularly if you have kids.
All the people who were cheated on trusted their partners 100% prior.
What tends to happen is that time is a great healer and people do forgive, especially when the marriage is new and mistakes are often made on both sides.
Forgiving and building on the issue usually can lead to a much stronger relationship.
well, its a view I suppose.
What actually happened was, I threw her out and divorced her.
In my honest opinion. I think if you can say after your partner has cheated on you that you trust them 100% i think you are kidding yourself to make your life easier and lessen your pain.
I know in myself I would never be able to look at him in the same way again and i think because of that and never being able to trust him i would have to walk away.
It's never possible to carry on as before, particularly as if there was something so wrong in the relationship one partner cheated it may not be desirable to. But to state categorically under any circumstances you would dump your partner if they cheated on you without making any allowance for circumstances does make me think that you probably don't love them that much. Because if you really loved someone you'd at least make the effort to find out exactly what had happened and more importantly why before chucking the whole thing in, particularly if you have kids.
well that's a big assumption and possibly true but for some people trust is part and parcel of love, not a condition
can you really love someone you don't respect/ trust?
I would like to think I would be the same as the OP. However, the circumstances would play a big part in my decision. As another poster has said, if it was a drunken mistake one night which he admitted to, I would have to think about whether it was worth saving. If it was a meaningful intimate relationship, where he had been sharing private details of our life I would not be able to forgive that, and would need to walk away. I would never trust him again.
But to state categorically under any circumstances you would dump your partner if they cheated on you without making any allowance for circumstances does make me think that you probably don't love them that much. Because if you really loved someone you'd at least make the effort to find out exactly what had happened and more importantly why before chucking the whole thing in, particularly if you have kids.
What does it matter why they cheated.
By cheating they are knowingly breaking the trust you share. They are also taking action that they know will likely hurt you - and have decided to carry on regardless.
I wouldnt want to be with a person like that. How much I love them is irrelevent. If that love isnt reciprocated - then the relationship is dead anyway.
I used to be of the opinion that I would never forgive infidelity (because it would mean my partner wasn't the person I thought he was), but not so anymore. For me, one-off or short term sexual affair is forgiveable once.
It's something that happens as you get older isn't it? I mean I have seen friends relationships where an affair has happened and you know them both well and sometimes, really, you can see that it's not as black and white as being one persons fault 100% when you know about their relationships and it just change your view. I think the 'just dump them' mindset is often a very immature one.
It's something that happens as you get older isn't it? I mean I have seen friends relationships where an affair has happened and you know them both well and sometimes, really, you can see that it's not as black and white as being one persons fault 100% when you know about their relationships and it just change your view. I think the 'just dump them' mindset is often a very immature one.
it's not immature to know what's acceptable to yourself and what isn't
By cheating they are knowingly breaking the trust you share. They are also taking action that they know will likely hurt you - and have decided to carry on regardless.
I wouldnt want to be with a person like that. How much I love them is irrelevent. If that love isnt reciprocated - then the relationship is dead anyway.
My friend told me a few months ago that she told her husband she would be happy if they never had sex again. They have 4 children. I think thats a bit unfair on the husband, and he has been cheated into a marriage thinking that his wife was sexually attracted to him and they had a closeness. I feel bad for him, however, if he is not happy with the arrangement it would be better to end the marriage than cheat. Its a strange situation.
By cheating they are knowingly breaking the trust you share. They are also taking action that they know will likely hurt you - and have decided to carry on regardless.
I wouldnt want to be with a person like that. How much I love them is irrelevent. If that love isnt reciprocated - then the relationship is dead anyway.
Well actually yes it does. Trust doesn't just hang on being faithful to each other or not, it hangs on many other things such as financial responsibility, trusting your partner to continue to put an effort into your relationship and treat you well, trusting your partner to be responsive to your emotional and physical needs, trusting your partner to remain emotionally available to you, etc. So quite often the person who's been cheated on has already broken that bond of trust themselves by not putting into the relationship what their partner trusted them to do from the outset.
Obviously there are people who cheat because that is just part of the make up of their personality and if it appears someone is like that then you should get rid of them. But I believe many perfectly decent people cheat purely because they find themselves in a pretty intolerable set of circumstances.
I would be interested to know if those agreeing with the OP's friend or almost trying to defend or give justification for the cheating are those that have stayed in a relationship where someone has cheated?
Furthermore if this is the case have they got this opinion because the event and their following actions gave them that opinion or have they got that opinion to justify staying with their partner because thinking anything else would be too painful for them and the reality of leaving them?
Well actually yes it does. Trust doesn't just hang on being faithful to each other or not, it hangs on many other things such as financial responsibility, trusting your partner to continue to put an effort into your relationship and treat you well, trusting your partner to be responsive to your emotional and physical needs, trusting your partner to remain emotionally available to you, etc. So quite often the person who's been cheated on has already broken that bond of trust themselves by not putting into the relationship what their partner trusted them to do from the outset.
Obviously there are people who cheat because that is just part of the make up of their personality and if it appears someone is like that then you should get rid of them. But I believe many perfectly decent people cheat purely because they find themselves in a pretty intolerable set of circumstances.
I find myself agreeing with this. Another friend of mine split with her fiance because she discovered he was confiding in a woman (alot younger than himself) about personal problems with in their relationship. There was no sexual encounters, but he broke her trust by not coming to her and talking about it. She felt humiliated.
They worked it out and did get married, but her family never forgave him for it and didn't attend the wedding. It was a sad situation.
My friend told me a few months ago that she told her husband she would be happy if they never had sex again. They have 4 children. I think thats a bit unfair on the husband, and he has been cheated into a marriage thinking that his wife was sexually attracted to him and they had a closeness. I feel bad for him, however, if he is not happy with the arrangement it would be better to end the marriage than cheat. Its a strange situation.
Actually when I've been posting in the back of my head has been a situation going on with my friends at the moment where the wife has stopped having sex and doesn't want the physical side of their relationship to continue and she's emotionally withdrawn as well because she puts all her energy into the children not him. She just treats him like an inconvenience who is tolerated around the house because he brings in the bacon.
Basically all her friends think if he cheated on her they could understand why. Really what she wants is to be a single mother but to still have the financial security she has being married so she's just sidelined him but keeps him around and want admit how she feels because she wants the financial security he brings. And he's in a horrible situation because although he loves her and wants it to work she's not prepared to put any effort into the relationship and although at the moment he's the victim in all this the only way he can resolve it is by walking out on his kids which he doesn't want to do.
I mean really in that situation, you can understand why someone might be tempted if they were away on a work jolly to stray and there's no way you could just say that was his fault.
Actually when I've been posting in the back of my head has been a situation going on with my friends at the moment where the wife has stopped having sex and doesn't want the physical side of their relationship to continue and she's emotionally withdrawn as well because she puts all her energy into the children not him. She just treats him like an inconvenience who is tolerated around the house because he brings in the bacon.
Basically all her friends think if he cheated on her they could understand why. Really what she wants is to be a single mother but to still have the financial security she has being married so she's just sidelined him but keeps him around and want admit how she feels because she wants the financial security he brings. And he's in a horrible situation because although he loves her and wants it to work she's not prepared to put any effort into the relationship and although at the moment he's the victim in all this the only way he can resolve it is by walking out on his kids which he doesn't want to do.
I mean really in that situation, you can understand why someone might be tempted if they were away on a work jolly to stray and there's no way you could just say that was his fault.
I would be interested to know if those agreeing with the OP's friend or almost trying to defend or give justification for the cheating are those that have stayed in a relationship where someone has cheated?
Furthermore if this is the case have they got this opinion because the event and their following actions gave them that opinion or have they got that opinion to justify staying with their partner because thinking anything else would be too painful for them and the reality of leaving them?
Nope. In my relationship as far as I'm aware we've both been 100% faithful but I've seen enough happen with friends and family to have a fairly well formed opinion on the subject.
Plus, to be honest, with my husband I know if he did cheat I would try and save the relationship. Purely because he is my best mate, I love him and I do trust him. And I know him well enough to know if anything like that did happen there would have to be a damn good reason.
Actually when I've been posting in the back of my head has been a situation going on with my friends at the moment where the wife has stopped having sex and doesn't want the physical side of their relationship to continue and she's emotionally withdrawn as well because she puts all her energy into the children not him. She just treats him like an inconvenience who is tolerated around the house because he brings in the bacon.
Basically all her friends think if he cheated on her they could understand why. Really what she wants is to be a single mother but to still have the financial security she has being married so she's just sidelined him but keeps him around and want admit how she feels because she wants the financial security he brings. And he's in a horrible situation because although he loves her and wants it to work she's not prepared to put any effort into the relationship and although at the moment he's the victim in all this the only way he can resolve it is by walking out on his kids which he doesn't want to do.
I mean really in that situation, you can understand why someone might be tempted if they were away on a work jolly to stray and there's no way you could just say that was his fault.
I think it is really unfair of the woman to do that. She is essentially locking him into a situation he can't get out of without looking like the bad one.
She clearly doesn't love him unconditionally. She has removed the sexual and emotional side of the relationship... therefore she has cheated him surely? Or tricked him into giving her a family
You can love someone but stil be left very hurt by them. Unconditionally loving someone doesn't stop you from being lonely, needing intimacy, needing friendship out of a relationship and needing to have someone to talk to. When none of these needs are being met even if you love someone unconditionally it can be extremely hard to put all your own needs to one side and sacrifice them for someone who doesn't seem to be able to make anything near the same type of effort for you.
She clearly doesn't love him unconditionally. She has removed the sexual and emotional side of the relationship... therefore she has cheated him surely? Or tricked him into giving her a family
what if she's going through a depressive state herself?
Comments
People cheat for all sorts of reasons and there are different types of cheating. I think when it happens the person who's been cheated on has to sit down and take a hard look at their marriage and see what has happened.
There are people who cheat because they just have that type of personality and will always be habitual cheaters, but I think far more often cheating happens because something has gone drastically wrong in the relationship for which the fault lies on both sides.
All sorts of things can happen, if you emotionally or sexually withdraw yourself from a relationship then I don't think you can entirely blame the other party if they cheat.
Also, when I hear people say categorically, 'If my partner cheated on me I'd dump him' I usually think that they probably don't love their partner that much. If you can walk away that easily without even trying to save it or work out what went wrong and what drove them to it then I don't think that you yourself are that committed to the relationship in the first place which may well, if your partner strays, be a big part of the reason they did if they know you are only into them in a half arsed way and your love is extremely conditional.
that's one way of looking at it or they could just feel that a major trust has been violated and know in themselves that it would not be possible to carry on as before.
I also don't necessarily think that if you have sex with another person whilst in a relationship it means there is something wrong with your relationship. Of course in a lot of cases there is something fundamentally wrong, but I think in some cases at least infidelity occurs just because the opportunity presents itself and the person finds it too tempting to turn down. Whilst that may be a sign of a weak personality, I don't think it has to mean that you don't love or respect your partner.
I used to be of the opinion that I would never forgive infidelity (because it would mean my partner wasn't the person I thought he was), but not so anymore. For me, one-off or short term sexual affair is forgiveable once.
Great post.
Anyway, why stop at "cheating" being the big dealbreaker?
Surely it's just as hard to forgive if someone hits you, drains the bank account to fund an addiction (not necessarily drugs, alcohol or gambling...they could be obsessed with collecting vintage toys) or is just indifferent to your needs and wants as a human being.
If your partner has sex with someone else it really needn't be the instant end of the relationship.
I agree with all the post quoted, especially the bit in bold. IF my husband cheated on me I'd be off - and don't anyone bother reminding me of my commitment if he managed to conveniently forget his.
My first husband cheated and I stayed with him. We worked through the 'problems' and I forgave. I actually ended up taking on the guilt and believing it was me that had pushed him into cheating. Then he did it again ... and again ... until I left. He saw being forgiven as being given permission to do it again whenever he felt like it. Our big marriage problem was that he was a serial adulterer and liar who couldn't keep it in his pants. He has since been married another twice and cheated on both his other ex-wives.
No more forgive and forget for me - it marks you out as a doormat.
It's never possible to carry on as before, particularly as if there was something so wrong in the relationship one partner cheated it may not be desirable to. But to state categorically under any circumstances you would dump your partner if they cheated on you without making any allowance for circumstances does make me think that you probably don't love them that much. Because if you really loved someone you'd at least make the effort to find out exactly what had happened and more importantly why before chucking the whole thing in, particularly if you have kids.
well, its a view I suppose.
What actually happened was, I threw her out and divorced her.
I know in myself I would never be able to look at him in the same way again and i think because of that and never being able to trust him i would have to walk away.
well that's a big assumption and possibly true but for some people trust is part and parcel of love, not a condition
can you really love someone you don't respect/ trust?
What does it matter why they cheated.
By cheating they are knowingly breaking the trust you share. They are also taking action that they know will likely hurt you - and have decided to carry on regardless.
I wouldnt want to be with a person like that. How much I love them is irrelevent. If that love isnt reciprocated - then the relationship is dead anyway.
It's something that happens as you get older isn't it? I mean I have seen friends relationships where an affair has happened and you know them both well and sometimes, really, you can see that it's not as black and white as being one persons fault 100% when you know about their relationships and it just change your view. I think the 'just dump them' mindset is often a very immature one.
it's not immature to know what's acceptable to yourself and what isn't
it's just a different mindset to yers
My friend told me a few months ago that she told her husband she would be happy if they never had sex again. They have 4 children. I think thats a bit unfair on the husband, and he has been cheated into a marriage thinking that his wife was sexually attracted to him and they had a closeness. I feel bad for him, however, if he is not happy with the arrangement it would be better to end the marriage than cheat. Its a strange situation.
Well actually yes it does. Trust doesn't just hang on being faithful to each other or not, it hangs on many other things such as financial responsibility, trusting your partner to continue to put an effort into your relationship and treat you well, trusting your partner to be responsive to your emotional and physical needs, trusting your partner to remain emotionally available to you, etc. So quite often the person who's been cheated on has already broken that bond of trust themselves by not putting into the relationship what their partner trusted them to do from the outset.
Obviously there are people who cheat because that is just part of the make up of their personality and if it appears someone is like that then you should get rid of them. But I believe many perfectly decent people cheat purely because they find themselves in a pretty intolerable set of circumstances.
Furthermore if this is the case have they got this opinion because the event and their following actions gave them that opinion or have they got that opinion to justify staying with their partner because thinking anything else would be too painful for them and the reality of leaving them?
I find myself agreeing with this. Another friend of mine split with her fiance because she discovered he was confiding in a woman (alot younger than himself) about personal problems with in their relationship. There was no sexual encounters, but he broke her trust by not coming to her and talking about it. She felt humiliated.
They worked it out and did get married, but her family never forgave him for it and didn't attend the wedding. It was a sad situation.
Actually when I've been posting in the back of my head has been a situation going on with my friends at the moment where the wife has stopped having sex and doesn't want the physical side of their relationship to continue and she's emotionally withdrawn as well because she puts all her energy into the children not him. She just treats him like an inconvenience who is tolerated around the house because he brings in the bacon.
Basically all her friends think if he cheated on her they could understand why. Really what she wants is to be a single mother but to still have the financial security she has being married so she's just sidelined him but keeps him around and want admit how she feels because she wants the financial security he brings. And he's in a horrible situation because although he loves her and wants it to work she's not prepared to put any effort into the relationship and although at the moment he's the victim in all this the only way he can resolve it is by walking out on his kids which he doesn't want to do.
I mean really in that situation, you can understand why someone might be tempted if they were away on a work jolly to stray and there's no way you could just say that was his fault.
but if he loves her unconditionally....
Nope. In my relationship as far as I'm aware we've both been 100% faithful but I've seen enough happen with friends and family to have a fairly well formed opinion on the subject.
Plus, to be honest, with my husband I know if he did cheat I would try and save the relationship. Purely because he is my best mate, I love him and I do trust him. And I know him well enough to know if anything like that did happen there would have to be a damn good reason.
I think it is really unfair of the woman to do that. She is essentially locking him into a situation he can't get out of without looking like the bad one.
She clearly doesn't love him unconditionally. She has removed the sexual and emotional side of the relationship... therefore she has cheated him surely? Or tricked him into giving her a family
You can love someone but stil be left very hurt by them. Unconditionally loving someone doesn't stop you from being lonely, needing intimacy, needing friendship out of a relationship and needing to have someone to talk to. When none of these needs are being met even if you love someone unconditionally it can be extremely hard to put all your own needs to one side and sacrifice them for someone who doesn't seem to be able to make anything near the same type of effort for you.
what if she's going through a depressive state herself?