Options
Ex husband being awkward
![[Deleted User]](https://w5.vanillicon.com/v2/585e5483abda1d014c8886fda16be968.svg)
[Deleted User]
Posts: 784 Forum Member
✭✭
Having quite upsetting situation with my ex husband, quite long winded but will try and put an abbreviated version on here.
I left my ex husband in January 2006 after putting up with 11 years of emotional abuse and his being very controlling (we were married for 9 of those years). The arguments were starting to affect my then 3 year old daughter. He worked away a lot and when he was home he would then go out to football, or play pool and snooker both of which were for leagues.
We both met new people, I got remarried at the end of 2008 and my ex got remarried in early 2009. My now husband is fantastic and very supportive. My daughters stepmother, I have always made the effort to get on with her but had it thrown back at me. But I am the ex wife so that is understandable I suppose. She has two children of her own. The ironic thing is is she is now the controlling one in the marriage not him. We had maintained an amicable relationship and even the day before he was due to marry her he was telling my husband and I he wasn't sure whether he could go through with it. Anyway he did and they now have a daughter of their own.
Things cames to a head last week. I dared to send my daughter to school in last years school cardigan instead of a brand new one! I also hadnt ironed her PE shirt!! All he has done all week is pick fault with everything I am doing. This has all come out of nowhere as even out of the holiday when we spoke we got on ok. But I have been standing up to him whereas in the past I put up with the criticisms to keep things civil for our daughter who is now 8.
Today I said to him (this is all on text) that I was sorry our friendship had ended. He said we had never been friends since our divorce, I then said well if that was the case, why had he discussed his marital problems with me, spoke to me on what would have been our wedding anniversary to say even though we didn't work out he still had great memories and it was nice we could be friendly and other subjects not related to our daughter. He then texted to say he no longer wanted to speak to me. I do know he wasn't with his wife today as he called first thing from his work.
He has also accused me of being a bad mother, not feeding our daughter properly, I don't clothe her properly by not buying her branded items or daring to buy clothes from charity shops. The texts have been very upsetting. I have shown some of last weeks texts to friends who told me to rise above the comments and not get nasty back which I haven't. I do also still have a great relationship with my ex inlaws and they have been furious with him before when they know he has been like this with me. It is now making me doubt my parenting abilities. My husband says he is doing it deliberately for that reason. My ex wants her to live with me and my daughter doesn't want to live with him. Part of me is wondering whether I should contact social services so they can investigate my parenting and prove legally that I am doing ok. I know her school have had issues with him as well due to his perfectionism and he also got a caution last year for driving dangerously after an argument with his wife and nearly running over the lollipop lady. Oh and a final thing, when the kids were acting up a few weeks ago, he and his wife cancelled a weekend away, told the kids it was their fault and they would be docked birthday or Christmas money for it. He also told my daughter it was mainly her fault it was cancelled.
Sorry I have gone on here, believe it or not this is the short version and I know you guys are only hearing my side. But I'm still so upset about everything, I thought I would post on here and see what you all thought. I have started emotional eating again after losing 16lbs in 9 weeks (which I do know has annoyed his new wife as I was getting compliments at school last week)
Forgot to add the weekend away was for all of them.
I left my ex husband in January 2006 after putting up with 11 years of emotional abuse and his being very controlling (we were married for 9 of those years). The arguments were starting to affect my then 3 year old daughter. He worked away a lot and when he was home he would then go out to football, or play pool and snooker both of which were for leagues.
We both met new people, I got remarried at the end of 2008 and my ex got remarried in early 2009. My now husband is fantastic and very supportive. My daughters stepmother, I have always made the effort to get on with her but had it thrown back at me. But I am the ex wife so that is understandable I suppose. She has two children of her own. The ironic thing is is she is now the controlling one in the marriage not him. We had maintained an amicable relationship and even the day before he was due to marry her he was telling my husband and I he wasn't sure whether he could go through with it. Anyway he did and they now have a daughter of their own.
Things cames to a head last week. I dared to send my daughter to school in last years school cardigan instead of a brand new one! I also hadnt ironed her PE shirt!! All he has done all week is pick fault with everything I am doing. This has all come out of nowhere as even out of the holiday when we spoke we got on ok. But I have been standing up to him whereas in the past I put up with the criticisms to keep things civil for our daughter who is now 8.
Today I said to him (this is all on text) that I was sorry our friendship had ended. He said we had never been friends since our divorce, I then said well if that was the case, why had he discussed his marital problems with me, spoke to me on what would have been our wedding anniversary to say even though we didn't work out he still had great memories and it was nice we could be friendly and other subjects not related to our daughter. He then texted to say he no longer wanted to speak to me. I do know he wasn't with his wife today as he called first thing from his work.
He has also accused me of being a bad mother, not feeding our daughter properly, I don't clothe her properly by not buying her branded items or daring to buy clothes from charity shops. The texts have been very upsetting. I have shown some of last weeks texts to friends who told me to rise above the comments and not get nasty back which I haven't. I do also still have a great relationship with my ex inlaws and they have been furious with him before when they know he has been like this with me. It is now making me doubt my parenting abilities. My husband says he is doing it deliberately for that reason. My ex wants her to live with me and my daughter doesn't want to live with him. Part of me is wondering whether I should contact social services so they can investigate my parenting and prove legally that I am doing ok. I know her school have had issues with him as well due to his perfectionism and he also got a caution last year for driving dangerously after an argument with his wife and nearly running over the lollipop lady. Oh and a final thing, when the kids were acting up a few weeks ago, he and his wife cancelled a weekend away, told the kids it was their fault and they would be docked birthday or Christmas money for it. He also told my daughter it was mainly her fault it was cancelled.
Sorry I have gone on here, believe it or not this is the short version and I know you guys are only hearing my side. But I'm still so upset about everything, I thought I would post on here and see what you all thought. I have started emotional eating again after losing 16lbs in 9 weeks (which I do know has annoyed his new wife as I was getting compliments at school last week)
Forgot to add the weekend away was for all of them.
0
Comments
Regarding wearing branded goods that's just silly and you're totally doing the right thing regarding clothes. She's only 8 for goodness sake and if you start her off being into the branded goods now heaven help you later on.
I don't think you have any need to contact Social Services to 'prove' you are a good parent. Please don't let him get to you in this way.
Once you've calmed down you'll realise it's him that's being an idiot.
If you're having a bit of an 'emotional' eat don't beat yourself up about it and start again tomorrow.
Good luck.
1. An unironed PE shirt and last years cardigan are hardly indicators of a neglected child. If he wants her to have a new cardigan, tell him to take her shopping.
2. He is an ex-husband, not a friend. You have to mantain a polite and civil relationship with him for the sake of your daughter but dont expect or encourage a friendship, particurly one where he shares details of his marital problems. It isnt fair on his wife.
3. Social services are far to busy dealing with child protection cases and wont have time to get involved in your ex-marital dispute. Leave them out of it.
4. His driving dangerously is only an issue for you if it puts your daugher in danger otherwise stay out of it.
5. How he and his new wife choose to discipline children isnt your issue. Stay out of it.
Your post is littered with comments about your ex's new wife, how he isnt happy, how she is jealous of your weight loss etc etc.....suggests a game of one-upmanship, certainly on your part. Your only concern should be your daughter.
Taglet - thank you and I can see where you are coming from. I do deal with Social Services on an occasionnmal basis for my work and it was going to be more for their advice but yes, you are right they do have more important things to deal with and part of my job sadly does occasionally deal with that.
He was the one who wanted to maintain a friendship, I was happy to keep it civil and we actually found out through our relate sessions after we split that we still got on as friends when he isn't being controlling. I guess it was easier to do before we started seeing our now spouses and we thought it would carry over no problem.
There are a couple of times I have seen how he drives with my daughter and I have had to call him up on it and to be fair he is better now. The caution did shake him up as he told me and my husband all about it. Especially as the school got involved and were the ones who called the police.
I do try to stay out of their disciplining, but my daughter came home extremely upset as she thought she would get no Christmas presents, so I had to ask him what had happened.
Ah, re-reading my post I do see what you mean and it probably does come across as one upmanship. That certainly isn't the case, but my daughter did come home very upset once as her stepmum was talking to someone on the phone and saying how fat I was getting and it was great to see. My daughter heard all of it and it upset her, this spurred me to do the weight loss as her stepbrother also took the mickey out her "fat mum". I don't want her to be embarrassed by me.
You don't have to have any contact with him other than discussing contact with your daughter. Don't get involved with his marriage difficulties, it's a rare thing that an ex wife can advise an ex husband on his new relationships.
It may work for some but it's not working for you.
Take a step back, take a deep breathe and try to work out what his game is.
You say he doesn't want her to live with him but is he paying maintenance? Is the new wife hacked off with that? Would it be better for them financially to have your daughter living with them to save money? Or perhaps shared care where things are awash.
If that isn't the game, perhaps he just can't let go yet and to stop controlling you. He's controlled now by his new partner he still wants to be telling you what to do.
Recognise his games and then stop playing them with him.
If he starts on about her cardy/non-ironed clothes, don't get drawn into an argument have a stock answer maybe "I'm sorry that's how you feel" and just keep saying it. It's called the stuck record technique, don't answer any differently, just repeat it.
If you aren't biting at his insults it will take all of the fun out of them for him.
DON'T CALL SS on yourself. Time to stop letting this man control you.
Be polite and don't involve yourself in his life, don't allow him to involve you in his life.
You say he isn't able to control his new wife the way he could you. No doubt he is feeling emasculated and unhappy and is simply seeking to regain some 'power' by manipulating you once again. Just ignore it and be happy you aren't married to him any longer.
Whenever my ex acts like a twonk I mentally think how sweet it is of him to remind me why I dumped is sorry butt.
How frightfully dramatic.
It could be that your ex is going through a difficult time in his private life and is using you as a convenient virtual punch-bag. Your child is old enough to be able to communicate with him directly, so if I were you I would ignore him until he decided to be civil.
Hi everyone been out for a couple of hours. I do feel a right prat now with the SS comment I was just so upset at the time and now I've cooled down and been out I agree with what a lot of you are saying he isn't happy and I'm getting the brunt of it. It was the fact he tells the other parents I'm not feeding her properly etc
I have been giving him the stuck record replies and I've not heard from him although he did call to speak to my daughter a few minutes ago and I gave the phone to her. He doesn't pay maintenance, but he does pay for her swimming, school dinners, school shoes and occasional school clothes eg new cardigan last week. They also do buy her clothes occasionally as well.
One of the nicest things my daughter ever said to me was at the end of the summer holidays that it was her best school holiday ever. I now work mornings only instead of 3 days a week so was able to be there for her a lot more during this holiday compared to last year.
Thank you for the replies everyone. It seemed a good idea to post this thread at the time but now I feel a right plank now I've calmed down.
Don't feel a plank far better you let steam off here, get other people's opinions that jump in with both feet in the "real world".
Most of us with exes I'd imagine have felt like going off the deep end (even for a short while) at some time or another if we're honest.
LOL you're not a plank, you were just upset and it's great to see you've calmed down. Better to let off steam on here than to bottle it up.
You sound very reasonable and your daughter is lucky to have a mum like you.
Her dad probably would like to see her more but it sounds like the new wife isn't keen. Good for you for not stopping him and taking him through the courts for maintenance.
Thank you that is lovely and means a lot.
Thank you all again guys :-) Yep defo calmed down now and thats without alcohol as unfortunately I'm allergic to the stuff after a serious illness years ago - so big mug of tea it is:)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
wot they zed.
You seem to have the buk of the care with him throwing the odd financial concession in every now and again. Even his contact is dictated by him and to have his wife criticise you in front of her is completely out of order and its not surprising you are feeling a bit smug about your trim new figure, and so you should.
Your husband sounds like a great bloke and my advice would be to talk to him in the first instance rather than a bunch of strangers on here. I'm guessing he will give the best of advice because he is living with the consequences and can see things first hand. You certainly upgraded to a better man.
You dont need social services to tell you that you are a great mum by the way. Its clear from what you have written...you are putting her first.
Seconded!
Your husband is using your daughter to still try and control you, because he knows he can push your buttons through her. This is vile and abusive towards your daughter, and if I were you I would report him to social services for his emotional and verbal abuse of your daughter. You should also go back to court to terminate his visitation/custody rights - your daughter is old enough now to be able to express a preference as to whether she wants to live with him or even see him. Her welfare should be paramount and it sounds like, at the moment, she is caught in the middle of a nasty vendetta initiated by your ex.
His criticisms of you are designed to undermine your self worth and self belief so you must tell yourself that this is a pathetic, angry little man who is so emotionally and psychologically retarded that his opinions of you are totally without relevance or import. I would worry about having such a person around my child.
On no account should you ever involve Social Services unless you think there is a real physical or emotional danger to your child. You certainly shouldn't contact them to assess your parenting skills in order to prove you are a good mother. it doesn't work like that.
Your ex husband does have a perfect right to apply to the courts for your daughter to live with him. However, she has been living with you for the last 4 years without incident or complaint from him previously. She is old enough to express a view, and if she wants to remain living with you then she will have the chance to say so, although it is unlikely that she would have to attend a court to give her opinion, it would be done through the courts but not involve her attendance. Children of that age do not have to gie evidence unless it involves serious cases, such as abuse.
I've 10 years' experience in divorce, children and family matters and given a brief (although it doesn't seem so) view on the information you've given. Please contact me if you think I can help you.
Hi Anastasia, it was all done informally to start with when we got divorced. In fact both our solicitors said it was one of the most amicable and easiest divorces they had handled. When he and his new wife got together they then drew up a legal document saying about the 50/50 custody, what they would pay for etc which my husband and I signed. He has stuck to most of it except for the custody. My daughter has said she prefers living with me but does enjoy when she's with her dad. I don't think she is in physical danger as I have no doubt at all that her father loves her and would do anything for her. Taking my issues iwth him out of the equation, my only complaint would be he is quite the perfectonist and expects a lot of her. She was premature and is a little behind for her age but has caught up no end to what she was. She does get compared to her step brother who is a few months older, but she seems to take this to spur herself on. Although she does sometimes come home and say its not fair, she isn't to his level. This hostility from him seems to have come totally out of the blue. We have had fallings out before but within a week or two are talking again. Although I have kept backups of all text messages over the last 4 years on my computer just in case it was ever needed. I'm not sure if he would go down the legal route. Last year he threw a fit because I sent her to his for the weekend after a swimming lesson without washing her hair. We were running late as the lesson was late so we dropped her off and I said to her to tell her dad that when she showered later she would need a hair wash. The only time I have done this. He went off on one via text again, in the end I got fed up and said if he was that concerned about my parenting I would speak to my solicitor the following week while I was there getting our wills sorted and get it resolved that way. On the Monday morning he rang me and asked was I really going to go to a solicitor. I said I wouldn't as I didn't really want to go down that route and he thanked me. Very confusing.
I am going to see now what happens over the next week or two as going on past experience I wouldn't be surprised if in a couple of weeks he tries to talk to me again as if nothing has happened. Thank you for the offer of contacting you, will keep you posted:)
It's my pleasure to be able to help you in any way. Please feel free to contact me privately if you would like to. I might at least be able to save you a bit of money.
For what it's worth, you sound as though you're being totally rational and reasonable about the whole situation. I do know though, that rationality can go out of the window when parties are, or feel under pressure.
Kind regards.
From what I've read he is only being nasty to the mum not the daughter. Stopping contact is a very serious thing to do not only for the father but for the child involved too.
Using CAFCASS and the courts is nothing but a trauma for the children involved and should be avoided at all costs. If mum pulls contact then that would be Dad's only avenue and there is no need for that from what I've read.
The criticism are towards the mother, it's hardly unusual for an ex wife and ex husband not to get along, it's what divorce is for, they don't however divorce their children.
In cases of abuse then yes of course but that is not what is happening here.