Never in my wildest dreams would I spend over £100 on anyone's wedding gift. That is just ridiculously extravagant. How rich is this woman if she expects anyone to pay that much? As has been said, £50 is extremely generous and if she really was set on doing boxes, £50 should have been the highest one!
By what she said about establishing a "direction", I take that what she meant is that she was encouraging big donations, but to do it in such a brutal, manipulative way is out of order. A note with a "suggested donation" would have been better - still rather crass but much more acceptable. There is absolutely no reason to put that kind of pressure on your guests.
It's all eye wateringly vulgar. . Directed or suggested donations are also unacceptable. What anyone donates is no-one's business but their own. I've never heard anything like this before. It smacks of "entitlement", control and vulgarity. As well as unsurprisingly upsetting and annoying her guests.
She should have suggested a charity of choice and left it at that.
I'm surprised they didn't sell tickets to the wedding...£200+ get to sit at the front with the best grub, £100 in the middle with just ok grub and the £50 standing at the back sharing a pack of crisps if you're lucky
Weddings make people go a bit mental. I am planning my own wedding at the minute and its going to be very low key with a small number of guests, dress off the peg etc.
But when I allow myself to buy a wedding magazine, I find myself indulging fantasies of a £3000 dress, champagne fountains, award winning photographers etc.
I have to then throw the magazine in the bin and remind myself I'm not a princess in some old European dynasty, I'm just a normal person!
I really hate this wedding gift malarkey. Since when did one of the most important things about getting married become the gifts?? I hate that they get mentioned in invites nowadays, with twee poems so it doesn't look so beggy. I think it's really bad to mention gifts/money in the invite. People did ask me what we wanted for our wedding. I just told them not to bother and to just be there!
If this bride really wanted donations to a charity, set up a justgiving page and let people please themselves. Very crass the way she did it.
Is braying about your experiences really helpful in this instance?
Ive been to an indian wedding and it was very dull. Mainly incredibly long boring ceremonies where not a lot happens. Give me a decent UK wedding any day!
Never in my wildest dreams would I spend over £100 on anyone's wedding gift. That is just ridiculously extravagant. How rich is this woman if she expects anyone to pay that much? As has been said, £50 is extremely generous and if she really was set on doing boxes, £50 should have been the highest one!
By what she said about establishing a "direction", I take that what she meant is that she was encouraging big donations, but to do it in such a brutal, manipulative way is out of order. A note with a "suggested donation" would have been better - still rather crass but much more acceptable. There is absolutely no reason to put that kind of pressure on your guests.
But surely even then, everyone puts together their envelope before the ceremony?
I've never turned up at a wedding, assessed how much has been spent and filled my card accordingly! It's a flat 50 from me and my other half for close friends. Maybe a little more or less for particular people.
But surely even then, everyone puts together their envelope before the ceremony?
I've never turned up at a wedding, assessed how much has been spent and filled my card accordingly! It's a flat 50 from me and my other half for close friends. Maybe a little more or less for particular people.
The Op stated that the money was placed inside your card and your card dropped in a box rather than use a plain envelope.
Presumably the intention was to distinguish who gave what?
The Op stated that the money was placed inside your card and your card dropped in a box rather than use a plain envelope.
Presumably the intention was to distinguish who gave what?
Never! So she supplied them with named cards to use? Even more damned cheeky. It's none of her business.
The only time I’ve ever seen cash donations at a wedding was in Goodfellas.
It’s such an unnecessary risk to take in this day and age.
If you must give people direction do it discretely – she may as well have marked the boxes ‘generous’, ‘acceptable at a pinch’, and ‘tight arse’, had someone take a photo of you putting the card into the box then put them on a wall of shame at the reception entrance.
The only time I’ve ever seen cash donations at a wedding was in Goodfellas.
It’s such an unnecessary risk to take in this day and age.
If you must give people direction do it discretely – she may as well have marked the boxes ‘generous’, ‘acceptable at a pinch’, and ‘tight arse’, had someone take a photo of you putting the card into the box then put them on a wall of shame at the reception entrance.
I gave my brother and his missus some money for their wedding a couple of weeks back. I took it round to their house the night before so that they didn't lose the envelope in the usual melee of the wedding day.
I couldn't be bothered with her if I knew her. I'd give her my address and then tell her to either keep the money or send it back.....and that I hadn't actually said anything. If she sent the money back, it's the charity's loss. I would not pussy foot around with the likes of her.
Edit: I also would not have felt pressured to put any of the higher amounts in. £50 is quite a bit of money when it comes to donations.
Wow...I'm a wedding coordinator and have never seen anything like that before! How crude! True charity means she should have been happy with whatever donation.
I would have to reply to her email. In her head you have moaned about donating to charity....charity I say!! I would just reply to her directly saying something like.
"I'm really disappointed that you have had to email asking if we want the money back. I was happy to donate to such a wonderful charity and will not require it back. I have to say though on the day I was very uncomfortable with boxes stating how much money was being donated on the side. I donated £50 which I felt was appropriate and was within my budget for gifts but I left the wedding feeling very embarrassed like I hadn't donated enough in your eyes. Hopefully with hindsight quantifying the amount wasn't a good idea. All being said I hope you raised a good amount, do let me know the final total!"
You cannot ignore this as you're the bad guy in her eyes (I bet she's telling others too) as she didn't hear all your talking about subject.
This is a tactfully drafted reply that would sadly be wasted on the bride.
£50 is a reasonable gift as a wedding present and it sounds like the bride actually wanted to humiliate the guests into giving more, while at the same time spending excessively on herself (an £8,000 wedding dress and honeymoon in Bali).
If the mother is currently receiving treatment for breast cancer, it is one of the most successfully treated forms of cancer at this time, and assuming she is somewhere in the region of 50 or over, then it will spread relatively slowly (I know this from my own mother's experience). And why would you plan your wedding for a period when your mother is receiving treatment for cancer, and not wait until the treatment has finished?
The only time I’ve ever seen cash donations at a wedding was in Goodfellas.
It’s such an unnecessary risk to take in this day and age.
I have about 30+ weddings at my work each year and I'd say all but a few of them ask for cash gifts. I suggest getting a card box and not leaving it out past 10pm when everyone has arrived and are drunk, but it is a big security risk.
I hate people asking for money anyway but that's a whole other thread. Mostly it's to pay for honeymoons but you can get honeymoon gift lists now where people buy things for your honeymoon and you get the cash value...so you get the cash but people actually feel like they've bought you something tangible.
I really hate this wedding gift malarkey. Since when did one of the most important things about getting married become the gifts?? I hate that they get mentioned in invites nowadays, with twee poems so it doesn't look so beggy. I think it's really bad to mention gifts/money in the invite. People did ask me what we wanted for our wedding. I just told them not to bother and to just be there!
If this bride really wanted donations to a charity, set up a justgiving page and let people please themselves. Very crass the way she did it.
I was against it for our wedding, but my wife was fully in charge and said it was "the done thing."
Now, I don't begrudge that we got some nice stuff but the original concept of wedding gifts was because couples didn't live together until they got married, so they had no pots and pans and household stuff at all. It was to give then a start for their life together (y'all know that of course). I was quite uncomfortable with it, and had it been my choice would have not had any gift list at all. We paid for all the food and drink and accommodation for family, but as others have said, some people travelled a fair way and had to pay for accommodation. It's not fair to also expect them to cough up for trinkets, honeymoons and a better kettle than the bride and groom already have,
It's not necessary in these modern times, and although the idea of supplanting that tradition with charity gifts is a nice one, it got royally ****** up in this instance.
I gave my brother and his missus some money for their wedding a couple of weeks back. I took it round to their house the night before so that they didn't lose the envelope in the usual melee of the wedding day.
I don't know about the rest of the UK but in NI the done thing now tends to be having a night (or 2 or 3 as I've seen in some cases) for people to bring round their presents then.
I have worked a fair few wedding receptions and never have I seen/heard of monetary gifts being split like this. At the weddings I have worked the card box - or whatever contains the money is usually removed about half an hour/ hour after the evening guests have arrived.
When we got married we only had a small wedding with close family and friends only. When asked where our gift list was/what we'd like we said nothing, we only wanted people there! It was far from a lavish affair, in total less that £1k was spent. In saying that my cousin paid for my flowers as a present, she ordered them through a friend and went to collect them for me. I was going to give her the money back when I collected them from her but she refused it so I left it on her table. 3 days after the wedding we found the money in an envelope in a cupboard with a little note lol. My dad paid for the food - our reception was a bbq in our back garden, my mum paid for the drink, my mother in law paid for a cake. All of our guests have us money in a card, we were guenuinely surprised and grateful. My dad has Parkinson's so we donated the money to a Parkinson's charity, in our thank you cards we said thank you and told our guests that although we really appreciated the very kind gesture we had donated the money, they were all happy with this - which we knew they would be.
Sorry I haven't read the entire thread but has it been established as to just why there were 3 boxes? What was the over-all aim of it?
One box would have done and then someone just empties it, opens all the envelopes and counts the total money given.
So why did the donations need to be separated in that way? And what if you wanted to donate £20?
Her only comment about it is that she wanted to provide a "direction" for the donations, which presumably means she wanted to encourage big donations. But she did it in such a vulgar and manipulative way that it's sullied the whole thing, and although she has acknowledged that the boxes were maybe not a good idea, she thinks that's because "not everyone has £50". So she basically missed the point entirely.
I was against it for our wedding, but my wife was fully in charge and said it was "the done thing."
Now, I don't begrudge that we got some nice stuff but the original concept of wedding gifts was because couples didn't live together until they got married, so they had no pots and pans and household stuff at all. It was to give then a start for their life together (y'all know that of course). I was quite uncomfortable with it, and had it been my choice would have not had any gift list at all. We paid for all the food and drink and accommodation for family, but as others have said, some people travelled a fair way and had to pay for accommodation. It's not fair to also expect them to cough up for trinkets, honeymoons and a better kettle than the bride and groom already have,
It's not necessary in these modern times, and although the idea of supplanting that tradition with charity gifts is a nice one, it got royally ****** up in this instance.
I'm in a similar position in that I feel really uncomfortable asking for money, but my missus reckons it's the done thing now, and we really don't need anything for the house as we've been together a while, so I've relented but made it abundently clear that we don't expect anyone to give us anything, that them being there is the most important thing, that they still have the choice if they want to buy us something in particular. It's a bit of moral dilemma the whole thing, though it's quite obvious the bride in the OP was out of order labelling boxes.
If you dont want/need gifts then why do you need to replace it with something else? I hate invites with those naff poems copied and pasted off a website begging for cash. Its just cheap and tacky.
Why not be sincere and either specify that yoj dont need gifts or money, or just dont mention it at all? Im sure years ago it just wasnt mentioned at all. People just bought gifts or money that was within their budget as a nice gesture. They didnt log on to a "wishlist" to buy something they could barely afford, nor did they feel cheap if they could only contribute £20.
One thing that sticks out to me is how the focus of weddings is too much about what the bride and groom can get out of it.
I remember going to an engagement party a while back, and there being a gift table and a money letterbox! No doubt they expected the same guests to then bring a further gift or more cash to the actual wedding as well!
When did it become the 'done thing' to ask for money at weddings:o
I've been to 2 lovely weddings this year and this didn't happen.
It may be the done thing for some people but I find it tacky and distasteful. Is it not just that some people are greedy but tell themselves it's what everyone does now to justify it?
If you dont want/need gifts then why do you need to replace it with something else? I hate invites with those naff poems copied and pasted off a website begging for cash. Its just cheap and tacky.
Why not be sincere and either specify that yoj dont need gifts or money, or just dont mention it at all? Im sure years ago it just wasnt mentioned at all. People just bought gifts or money that was within their budget as a nice gesture. They didnt log on to a "wishlist" to buy something they could barely afford, nor did they feel cheap if they could only contribute £20.
One thing that sticks out to me is how the focus of weddings is too much about what the bride and groom can get out of it.
I remember going to an engagement party a while back, and there being a gift table and a money letterbox! No doubt they expected the same guests to then bring a further gift or more cash to the actual wedding as well!
Most of the people I know getting married don't want to ask for anything, but if they don't say, they get bombarded with requests for gifts, and given money anyway.
There are so many opinionated people out there that it's by far simplest to just say what you would like upfront without embarrassment and with no sense of entitlement to the gift. And if someone is too opinionated and selfish to appreciate that their opinion is just an opinion, then that's one less 'friend' to worry about!
When did it become the 'done thing' to ask for money at weddings:o
I've been to 2 lovely weddings this year and this didn't happen.
It may be the done thing for some people but I find it tacky and distasteful. Is it not just that some people are greedy but tell themselves it's what everyone does now to justify it?
Normally people will not specifically ask to be given money, they will phrase it as "if you want to get us something, we would much rather receive money than a gift". My friend did this at his wedding because they were not the richest people and wanted to treat themselves to something they would really like rather than be given something.
I don't think there's anything wrong with that, as long as you make it clear no one has to give you anything. Saying you'd prefer money over a gift is perfectly fine IMO.
Her only comment about it is that she wanted to provide a "direction" for the donations, which presumably means she wanted to encourage big donations. But she did it in such a vulgar and manipulative way that it's sullied the whole thing, and although she has acknowledged that the boxes were maybe not a good idea, she thinks that's because "not everyone has £50". So she basically missed the point entirely.
"direction" for the donations - Sounds like pretentious claptrap to me. Does she use a like of business-speak and other meaningless trendy nonsense?
The very idea of directing people is highly insulting especially when it's a donation to charity.
It's akin to charity mugging. Accept all donations of whatever amount with gratefulness.
Sounds like she is just out to deliberately try and shame people into making larger donations than they can afford she that she could look big taking a big cheque around to the charity. So all about her massive ego.
I would have merely told her that I did what she wanted and gave a donation directly to Cancer Research. That would have taken the wind out of her sails.
She don't sound very likable and not the sort of person whose wedding I'd wish to attend.
Comments
It's all eye wateringly vulgar. . Directed or suggested donations are also unacceptable. What anyone donates is no-one's business but their own. I've never heard anything like this before. It smacks of "entitlement", control and vulgarity. As well as unsurprisingly upsetting and annoying her guests.
She should have suggested a charity of choice and left it at that.
£30 a slice?
Good summary.
Well done.
I agree.
But when I allow myself to buy a wedding magazine, I find myself indulging fantasies of a £3000 dress, champagne fountains, award winning photographers etc.
I have to then throw the magazine in the bin and remind myself I'm not a princess in some old European dynasty, I'm just a normal person!
If this bride really wanted donations to a charity, set up a justgiving page and let people please themselves. Very crass the way she did it.
Ive been to an indian wedding and it was very dull. Mainly incredibly long boring ceremonies where not a lot happens. Give me a decent UK wedding any day!
But surely even then, everyone puts together their envelope before the ceremony?
I've never turned up at a wedding, assessed how much has been spent and filled my card accordingly! It's a flat 50 from me and my other half for close friends. Maybe a little more or less for particular people.
The Op stated that the money was placed inside your card and your card dropped in a box rather than use a plain envelope.
Presumably the intention was to distinguish who gave what?
Never! So she supplied them with named cards to use? Even more damned cheeky. It's none of her business.
It’s such an unnecessary risk to take in this day and age.
If you must give people direction do it discretely – she may as well have marked the boxes ‘generous’, ‘acceptable at a pinch’, and ‘tight arse’, had someone take a photo of you putting the card into the box then put them on a wall of shame at the reception entrance.
I gave my brother and his missus some money for their wedding a couple of weeks back. I took it round to their house the night before so that they didn't lose the envelope in the usual melee of the wedding day.
Edit: I also would not have felt pressured to put any of the higher amounts in. £50 is quite a bit of money when it comes to donations.
One box would have done and then someone just empties it, opens all the envelopes and counts the total money given.
So why did the donations need to be separated in that way? And what if you wanted to donate £20?
This is a tactfully drafted reply that would sadly be wasted on the bride.
£50 is a reasonable gift as a wedding present and it sounds like the bride actually wanted to humiliate the guests into giving more, while at the same time spending excessively on herself (an £8,000 wedding dress and honeymoon in Bali).
If the mother is currently receiving treatment for breast cancer, it is one of the most successfully treated forms of cancer at this time, and assuming she is somewhere in the region of 50 or over, then it will spread relatively slowly (I know this from my own mother's experience). And why would you plan your wedding for a period when your mother is receiving treatment for cancer, and not wait until the treatment has finished?
I have about 30+ weddings at my work each year and I'd say all but a few of them ask for cash gifts. I suggest getting a card box and not leaving it out past 10pm when everyone has arrived and are drunk, but it is a big security risk.
I hate people asking for money anyway but that's a whole other thread. Mostly it's to pay for honeymoons but you can get honeymoon gift lists now where people buy things for your honeymoon and you get the cash value...so you get the cash but people actually feel like they've bought you something tangible.
I was against it for our wedding, but my wife was fully in charge and said it was "the done thing."
Now, I don't begrudge that we got some nice stuff but the original concept of wedding gifts was because couples didn't live together until they got married, so they had no pots and pans and household stuff at all. It was to give then a start for their life together (y'all know that of course). I was quite uncomfortable with it, and had it been my choice would have not had any gift list at all. We paid for all the food and drink and accommodation for family, but as others have said, some people travelled a fair way and had to pay for accommodation. It's not fair to also expect them to cough up for trinkets, honeymoons and a better kettle than the bride and groom already have,
It's not necessary in these modern times, and although the idea of supplanting that tradition with charity gifts is a nice one, it got royally ****** up in this instance.
I don't know about the rest of the UK but in NI the done thing now tends to be having a night (or 2 or 3 as I've seen in some cases) for people to bring round their presents then.
When we got married we only had a small wedding with close family and friends only. When asked where our gift list was/what we'd like we said nothing, we only wanted people there! It was far from a lavish affair, in total less that £1k was spent. In saying that my cousin paid for my flowers as a present, she ordered them through a friend and went to collect them for me. I was going to give her the money back when I collected them from her but she refused it so I left it on her table. 3 days after the wedding we found the money in an envelope in a cupboard with a little note lol. My dad paid for the food - our reception was a bbq in our back garden, my mum paid for the drink, my mother in law paid for a cake. All of our guests have us money in a card, we were guenuinely surprised and grateful. My dad has Parkinson's so we donated the money to a Parkinson's charity, in our thank you cards we said thank you and told our guests that although we really appreciated the very kind gesture we had donated the money, they were all happy with this - which we knew they would be.
Her only comment about it is that she wanted to provide a "direction" for the donations, which presumably means she wanted to encourage big donations. But she did it in such a vulgar and manipulative way that it's sullied the whole thing, and although she has acknowledged that the boxes were maybe not a good idea, she thinks that's because "not everyone has £50". So she basically missed the point entirely.
I'm in a similar position in that I feel really uncomfortable asking for money, but my missus reckons it's the done thing now, and we really don't need anything for the house as we've been together a while, so I've relented but made it abundently clear that we don't expect anyone to give us anything, that them being there is the most important thing, that they still have the choice if they want to buy us something in particular. It's a bit of moral dilemma the whole thing, though it's quite obvious the bride in the OP was out of order labelling boxes.
Why not be sincere and either specify that yoj dont need gifts or money, or just dont mention it at all? Im sure years ago it just wasnt mentioned at all. People just bought gifts or money that was within their budget as a nice gesture. They didnt log on to a "wishlist" to buy something they could barely afford, nor did they feel cheap if they could only contribute £20.
One thing that sticks out to me is how the focus of weddings is too much about what the bride and groom can get out of it.
I remember going to an engagement party a while back, and there being a gift table and a money letterbox! No doubt they expected the same guests to then bring a further gift or more cash to the actual wedding as well!
I've been to 2 lovely weddings this year and this didn't happen.
It may be the done thing for some people but I find it tacky and distasteful. Is it not just that some people are greedy but tell themselves it's what everyone does now to justify it?
Most of the people I know getting married don't want to ask for anything, but if they don't say, they get bombarded with requests for gifts, and given money anyway.
There are so many opinionated people out there that it's by far simplest to just say what you would like upfront without embarrassment and with no sense of entitlement to the gift. And if someone is too opinionated and selfish to appreciate that their opinion is just an opinion, then that's one less 'friend' to worry about!
Normally people will not specifically ask to be given money, they will phrase it as "if you want to get us something, we would much rather receive money than a gift". My friend did this at his wedding because they were not the richest people and wanted to treat themselves to something they would really like rather than be given something.
I don't think there's anything wrong with that, as long as you make it clear no one has to give you anything. Saying you'd prefer money over a gift is perfectly fine IMO.
"direction" for the donations - Sounds like pretentious claptrap to me. Does she use a like of business-speak and other meaningless trendy nonsense?
The very idea of directing people is highly insulting especially when it's a donation to charity.
It's akin to charity mugging. Accept all donations of whatever amount with gratefulness.
Sounds like she is just out to deliberately try and shame people into making larger donations than they can afford she that she could look big taking a big cheque around to the charity. So all about her massive ego.
I would have merely told her that I did what she wanted and gave a donation directly to Cancer Research. That would have taken the wind out of her sails.
She don't sound very likable and not the sort of person whose wedding I'd wish to attend.