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Boyfriend, ex...am I the unreasonable one?
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Thanks for reading this, hope it doesn’t go on too long.
I have been in a relationship for about 10 months. It’s a new thing for both of us as we’d both never been in love before and he’s never even lived with someone for more than a few months (we moved in together after a few weeks) but it has generally been pretty fantastic.
Earlier in the relationship I noticed him texting an ex, generally only on weekends but I really wasn’t particularly bothered to be honest with you. He told me a bit about his 3 month relationship with her – that it had been very light-hearted on his part though they’d had fun and great sex and when she became too possessive and clingy, he’d dumped her. Actually he’d been at some party with her and her friends and had told her girlfriends he wasn’t with her! She’d gone mad (understandably) and he left it.
They have stayed in contact (mainly through her as he’s not the most communicative at times) for 6 years since though goodness knows why when he did that to her. I know at the time with her he was going through a stressful period at work and she was his ‘comfort blanket’ so he does like her (we both met her at Christmas and she seems like a nice person). She’s going through a rough time at the mo as she’s split with her long term partner.
Anyway, it was my boyfriend’s 40th last month and even though I was running out of cash, I bought him an expensive present, tried to make his day as nice as possible etc. I felt bad though as after that I couldn’t afford to take him out for dinner. He was really angry at this, pi**ed I couldn’t even arrange dinner for his 40th, saying he’d have paid.
I then found out that he’s booked a trip to Paris for my birthday the next week, (I’d suggested going away but he’d said “no” as he’d already booked this) it was going to be a surprise. But because he was so pi**ed with me, he texted this ex asking her instead (apparently she’d sent him a text wishing him a happy birthday). He made it clear he would be sleeping with her.
He has since said he did this just to get back at me (knew it would wind me up) and withdrew the offer (and had never intended to take her, he says), inviting her to our place for a while instead.
I was peeved as she had seemed nice when I met her yet would have gone with him just like that. He then told me that he’d told her previously that I wouldn’t mind him going with her! Then he completely failed to understand why I’d feel uncomfortable having her round now given these circumstances.
I went on about this for ages so he said he’d never speak to her again (despite my objections to this).
She texted him again talking about how down she is about her split (she does this regularly and, to be honest, my boyfriend is not exactly sympathetic – I think I feel more sorry for her than he does). But now he’s saying that he won’t be dictated to about who he can and can not have a relationship with even though I never suggested he stop talking to her.
I don’t know why I’m writing this, probably to get it all off my chest. Something tells me that my boyfriend has been pretty unreasonable about all this to say the least.
Thanks.
I have been in a relationship for about 10 months. It’s a new thing for both of us as we’d both never been in love before and he’s never even lived with someone for more than a few months (we moved in together after a few weeks) but it has generally been pretty fantastic.
Earlier in the relationship I noticed him texting an ex, generally only on weekends but I really wasn’t particularly bothered to be honest with you. He told me a bit about his 3 month relationship with her – that it had been very light-hearted on his part though they’d had fun and great sex and when she became too possessive and clingy, he’d dumped her. Actually he’d been at some party with her and her friends and had told her girlfriends he wasn’t with her! She’d gone mad (understandably) and he left it.
They have stayed in contact (mainly through her as he’s not the most communicative at times) for 6 years since though goodness knows why when he did that to her. I know at the time with her he was going through a stressful period at work and she was his ‘comfort blanket’ so he does like her (we both met her at Christmas and she seems like a nice person). She’s going through a rough time at the mo as she’s split with her long term partner.
Anyway, it was my boyfriend’s 40th last month and even though I was running out of cash, I bought him an expensive present, tried to make his day as nice as possible etc. I felt bad though as after that I couldn’t afford to take him out for dinner. He was really angry at this, pi**ed I couldn’t even arrange dinner for his 40th, saying he’d have paid.
I then found out that he’s booked a trip to Paris for my birthday the next week, (I’d suggested going away but he’d said “no” as he’d already booked this) it was going to be a surprise. But because he was so pi**ed with me, he texted this ex asking her instead (apparently she’d sent him a text wishing him a happy birthday). He made it clear he would be sleeping with her.
He has since said he did this just to get back at me (knew it would wind me up) and withdrew the offer (and had never intended to take her, he says), inviting her to our place for a while instead.
I was peeved as she had seemed nice when I met her yet would have gone with him just like that. He then told me that he’d told her previously that I wouldn’t mind him going with her! Then he completely failed to understand why I’d feel uncomfortable having her round now given these circumstances.
I went on about this for ages so he said he’d never speak to her again (despite my objections to this).
She texted him again talking about how down she is about her split (she does this regularly and, to be honest, my boyfriend is not exactly sympathetic – I think I feel more sorry for her than he does). But now he’s saying that he won’t be dictated to about who he can and can not have a relationship with even though I never suggested he stop talking to her.
I don’t know why I’m writing this, probably to get it all off my chest. Something tells me that my boyfriend has been pretty unreasonable about all this to say the least.
Thanks.
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Comments
Inviting his ex to your birthday present to paris? To wind you up!? Then says its a joke??
Not very funni in my opinion.. I'd be getting rid of him and telling him to grow up!
people like this dont change.
good luck.
Fair enough if he wants to support her through her relationship break-up, if you truly believe that there is nothing going on... but his "joke" makes it seem like he either does want something to be going on, or he wants you to think that... both of which are unreasonable behaviour. If he can't be friends with her without putting your relationship in the middle, he shouldn't be friends with her.
Thats my view anyway.
Whether he was joking or not, that is nasty, to you and her if she believed him.
He sounds just lovely.
He needs to grovel and sharpish if you ask me.
If this story is true, then you are totally on the moral high ground, and he owes you a lot more than an apology. He also needs to stay away from this ex.
I might be over reacting as I was in a relationship that ultimately ended up with him beating me, but he started off making 'jokes' like your ex is.
I agree.
You buy him an expensive present so you can't afford to take him out to dinner, so he has a strop. How extraordinary.
He's behaving like a spoilt teenager. Very immature/spoilt/selfish/manipulative for 40.
Thanks everyone for all the advice. I would hate to ask him to stop speaking to his friend of many years no matter what. You are probably right though. He is utterly unapologetic about it all saying that if I wasn't so uptight about his ex it wouldn't bother me so much. I have loads to think about but cheers again.
Can I just add that the only reason that I said he needs to ditch her is because from what you've said you've been nothing but nice to her and it's him that's created this issue with her not you.
Just do what's best for you and don't let him turn it on you so you feel in the wrong. Good luck.
Well we live in London and she's in Copenhagen so it's not like she's on the doorstep. Thanks again for listening, it's felt so much better getting it all off my chest and getting other people's perspectives.
Who would want to be with someone who can use another person like that?
I'm not impressed that the ex turned up at a party & he told her friends he wasn't with her. I'm not surprised she was mad at him. Was that another one of his 'jokes' like taking his ex to Paris?
I think this too.. inviting his ex on a trip booked for your birthday? He could of invited a friend, but he chose to invite his ex? Sounds really immature and like he is trying to make you jealous.. and like flik86 says, he wants you to think that something is going on. Also, getting in a strop because you didn't arrange a meal for him.. did he not appreciate the expensive present you had bought him? It sounds to me like you'd be better off without him!
He's a tosser.
Get rid.
So it's all your fault. Just like it was his ex's fault that she got annoyed when he dissed her to her friends. As La Boheme said, there a pattern - and not a pretty one.
From what you have posted he comes across as immature and controlling and he has treated both you and his ex appallingly. When someone loves someone else they don't treat them in this way.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do but I think you need to have a good think about the way he behaves generally in your relationship.
Go and find someone else who appreciates you. That is my advice.
He sounds like a 17-year old in a 40-year old's body. He doesn't spend much time getting to know a woman, & if you're honest I think you'll admit you didn't know him well enough before you allowed him to move in. His relationships don't last because he wants things his way. He turns on the charm enough to make the woman feel comfortable & even get his foot through the door, but once he's done that he then starts wanting things done his way & only his way, & if that doesn't happen he's off.
You've had 10 months together. You've had some fun times, but the writing's on the wall with this one. Talk to him calmly about the way he's behaved & how he's hurt you - tell him that you shouldn't have to put up with that, & say that you'd rather end the relationship than have someone treat you that way. It might well be that he apologises & changes his ways once he realises what he stands to lose. But if he doesn't, you should send him packing, as if you allow this to continue you'll end up being the doormat he repeatedly wipes his shoes on. If you split up, don't be surprised if he then wants to treat you the same way he's now treating his ex. Don't let him.
Wow. You do seem to have him pegged. Thanks for the advice - I didn't realise I'd get the number of helpful responses as I have. And the 'talk' you refer to is long overdue. Thanks again.