Family not as accepting of me as I thought they were...
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I'm not sure that I even want advice; I just want a big ol' rant and was hoping that posting on here would be some form of catharsis for me.
In my first year of university after months of soul-searching and introspection, I came to the conclusion that I was attracted to women. I've realised that I've been repressing this side of me for the vast majority of my life and came out to my best friends soon after - they were as accepting of me as I thought they'd be and nothing has changed.
My parents were trickier to come out to. Sure, I could have done it in a better way - I took them to a cafe and apparently had them convinced that in some way I was dying. My dad seemed okay with it once I'd come out (he said that I was still his daughter) and my mum started crying, from what she said was shock and relief because she had thought I was ill. I'm starting to doubt both reactions now.
My brother was completely unphased by it, as I thought he would be. We're very close and he is of the same mind as me, that everyone has the right to happiness regardless of gender and sexual orientation - a viewpoint I believe we should all share.
Fast forward around 8 months and I now have a girlfriend. We've only been going out 3 months but we've fallen in love - yes, I know it's such a short space of time but it isn't infatuation or anything like that...I definitely know the difference. Here's where the problems start...
After I asked her to be my girlfriend, we wanted to come out officially on Facebook - sad I know, but it seems to be the thing to do these days! Now, I remembered that my mum was very concerned with what my Facebook page was saying or not saying about me - I don't have my sexuality displayed on there. I gave her a ring and told her what we were planning to do. She told me to wait until she had told more of her side of the family. She then told her brother and his wife, who were fine by it, but surprised.
The crux of the matter comes in when she told her parents about a month ago (the other set of grandparents don't know, partly because we aren't that close and partly because they hold disgustingly bigoted views). They were shocked and appalled; my nan said she would have preferred it if I had gotten 'knocked up', as she put it. I understood that it was a generational difference and gave them a bit of space (I was in London visiting my gf at the time) but my mum was reporting a lot of upsetting stuff to me, a lot of which I can't remember at the moment because I was pretty damn distraught. Needless to say, me and Lissa have left FB alone for the time being.
My immediate family and my grandparents live around the corner from each other in a village that has been home to our family for like over 100 years, so we have deep running ties here. One of the arguments that has come up today has been that my grandparents don't want me and 'that girl' (though they have started to call her by name) 'canoodling' round the village because '[they] have to live here' and they don't want any nastiness from what I presume is people they know. I kind of get this, but am not sure what they really want me to do about it. I relayed this to my mum, who (and this is a major part I don't get) agrees with them. I understand that she's kind of getting it from both angles here - I'm moaning about what my grandparents are saying to her, and she's hearing stuff daily from my grandparents about how disappointed and shocked they are (my granddads been in tears over it apparently), and there's the added factor of both grandparents being ill - one's got cancer, the other's got something that no-one can identify yet.
My mum's very concerned that this is an added weight to their lives, which is true, but I can't help feeling very selfish about this all. I am the happiest I've ever been and I am finally comfortable in my own body. I had a bad few months in my first year of uni after I realised I was gay (back then, I thought bisexual, but nope...really not!) which I haven't spoken about to anyone but basically, I don't want to ever go through that again.
Then there was Gay Pride. Me and Lissa went there last week to march in the parade and generally have fun, and my dad has said that he hates gays that 'push it in your face' and comes across as being against the idea of equality between gays and straights. He doesn't like big shows and he seemed to suggest that we have nothing to march for. I was pretty shocked, and this conversation ended up in a big argument where I was defending myself from what seemed like attacks from people who I had thought accepted me for who I am.
Now today during my phonecall with my mum, she said that me and Lissa push our relationship in other people's faces. They met her at this weekend just gone and I can honestly say that apart from holding hands, it would be difficult to say that we were even a couple. I brought up my belief that had I have brought home a guy and acted in the same way, the reaction would not have been the same. Mum said I was pulling the 'gay' card and was very defensive with me without giving concrete evidence for this 'pushing' a relationship into their faces.
Am I being ridiculous, or do you guys think I am being overly selfish? I mean, I am listening to them all and trying to understand where they are coming from, but I honestly am struggling with it all. This period in a new relationship (and my first one at that) is supposed to be all wonderful and it is, but it is being severely marred by the acts of an integral few.
In my first year of university after months of soul-searching and introspection, I came to the conclusion that I was attracted to women. I've realised that I've been repressing this side of me for the vast majority of my life and came out to my best friends soon after - they were as accepting of me as I thought they'd be and nothing has changed.
My parents were trickier to come out to. Sure, I could have done it in a better way - I took them to a cafe and apparently had them convinced that in some way I was dying. My dad seemed okay with it once I'd come out (he said that I was still his daughter) and my mum started crying, from what she said was shock and relief because she had thought I was ill. I'm starting to doubt both reactions now.
My brother was completely unphased by it, as I thought he would be. We're very close and he is of the same mind as me, that everyone has the right to happiness regardless of gender and sexual orientation - a viewpoint I believe we should all share.
Fast forward around 8 months and I now have a girlfriend. We've only been going out 3 months but we've fallen in love - yes, I know it's such a short space of time but it isn't infatuation or anything like that...I definitely know the difference. Here's where the problems start...
After I asked her to be my girlfriend, we wanted to come out officially on Facebook - sad I know, but it seems to be the thing to do these days! Now, I remembered that my mum was very concerned with what my Facebook page was saying or not saying about me - I don't have my sexuality displayed on there. I gave her a ring and told her what we were planning to do. She told me to wait until she had told more of her side of the family. She then told her brother and his wife, who were fine by it, but surprised.
The crux of the matter comes in when she told her parents about a month ago (the other set of grandparents don't know, partly because we aren't that close and partly because they hold disgustingly bigoted views). They were shocked and appalled; my nan said she would have preferred it if I had gotten 'knocked up', as she put it. I understood that it was a generational difference and gave them a bit of space (I was in London visiting my gf at the time) but my mum was reporting a lot of upsetting stuff to me, a lot of which I can't remember at the moment because I was pretty damn distraught. Needless to say, me and Lissa have left FB alone for the time being.
My immediate family and my grandparents live around the corner from each other in a village that has been home to our family for like over 100 years, so we have deep running ties here. One of the arguments that has come up today has been that my grandparents don't want me and 'that girl' (though they have started to call her by name) 'canoodling' round the village because '[they] have to live here' and they don't want any nastiness from what I presume is people they know. I kind of get this, but am not sure what they really want me to do about it. I relayed this to my mum, who (and this is a major part I don't get) agrees with them. I understand that she's kind of getting it from both angles here - I'm moaning about what my grandparents are saying to her, and she's hearing stuff daily from my grandparents about how disappointed and shocked they are (my granddads been in tears over it apparently), and there's the added factor of both grandparents being ill - one's got cancer, the other's got something that no-one can identify yet.
My mum's very concerned that this is an added weight to their lives, which is true, but I can't help feeling very selfish about this all. I am the happiest I've ever been and I am finally comfortable in my own body. I had a bad few months in my first year of uni after I realised I was gay (back then, I thought bisexual, but nope...really not!) which I haven't spoken about to anyone but basically, I don't want to ever go through that again.
Then there was Gay Pride. Me and Lissa went there last week to march in the parade and generally have fun, and my dad has said that he hates gays that 'push it in your face' and comes across as being against the idea of equality between gays and straights. He doesn't like big shows and he seemed to suggest that we have nothing to march for. I was pretty shocked, and this conversation ended up in a big argument where I was defending myself from what seemed like attacks from people who I had thought accepted me for who I am.
Now today during my phonecall with my mum, she said that me and Lissa push our relationship in other people's faces. They met her at this weekend just gone and I can honestly say that apart from holding hands, it would be difficult to say that we were even a couple. I brought up my belief that had I have brought home a guy and acted in the same way, the reaction would not have been the same. Mum said I was pulling the 'gay' card and was very defensive with me without giving concrete evidence for this 'pushing' a relationship into their faces.
Am I being ridiculous, or do you guys think I am being overly selfish? I mean, I am listening to them all and trying to understand where they are coming from, but I honestly am struggling with it all. This period in a new relationship (and my first one at that) is supposed to be all wonderful and it is, but it is being severely marred by the acts of an integral few.
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Comments
Regarding 'pushing it in their faces' - I know you want to shout from the rooftops and you're upset that if this was a hetro relationship you wouldn't have to hide anything. But they are probably a lot more traditional than you and deep down they probably cannot understand why you have to have a g/f rather than a b/f. (I know it's hard but for them it's difficult too). Sometimes as well they worry about what others will say and although they shouldn't they can't seem to help that (my mother's exactly the same about things).
If you give them time I'm pretty sure they will come round. But (and I'm playing devil's advocate here) they see you going on Gay Pride - they can't understand it. There isn't a hetrosexual Pride that hetrosexual people go to so in a way it is marching for something that really shouldn't have to be marched for iyswim.
Good luck I'm sure it will work out in the end.
The thing is you've hidden it. But they haven't actually KNOWN for all this time iykwim.
I honestly think it will work out in the end but it will take a bit of time.
I'm just thinking on how my parents would have reacted were it me.
I know that my gran especially is the one that my mother fears telling anything in our family that isn't 'normal' like when my sister got pregnant at 16 and now my other sister is pregnant and she's 38 but guess what SHE'S NOT MARRIED - Heaven forbid iykwim.
Gran doesn't like it but she does come round and is absolutely fine and wonderful eventually.
Sounds like you've met the girl of your dreams so hang on in there.
I suppose you're right, just got to hang in there!
BIB:
Good old DS!
I would be shocked if mine told me they were gay , not becuase I cant accept it , but simply because it would come out of the blue and we parents like to think we know everthing about our kids and are still the all knowing Mum
I would have to do an about turn and re think everything and I think I might find it hard too .
The Gay Pride I can almost understand , they might see it as shouting from the roof tops because they dont see
" " Hetrosexual Pride " and maybe it seems to be "in your face " for that reason
I often think that coming out to parents , the comer- outer ( for want of a better word !) must try to give them the same support that they expect from them .I think sometimes that the parents dont get enough time to absorb it all and are thrust into a situation they are very unfamilair with and are also floundering
You say " after much soul searching " you came to a conclusion , But your parents didnt have the same amount of time to accept it perhaps .
As a Mum I would say give everyone time and not everyone will be ready at the same time .
Best wishes to you and your GF and I hope you can all work it out together .
Thank you very much for your reply, and I welcome different viewpoints. I think why I'm finding it so hard to deal with this difference in opinion is because I assumed that somehow they would know. I have quite a few stereotypical behavioural things that scream gay, but no-one apparently picked up on this. It's bad of me and I really need to give them more time.
I have the experience of my good friends son announcing to her he was gay . I think I knew since he was around four and was actually very surprised he didnt say anthing till he was 22 ., My friend ,to her son, was very supportive after the initial shock .But inwardly and with me was devasted .Not that he was gay but that she didnt know enough about her son to know this .
It disturbed her that as his Mum she had misread him in such a huge way . She felt she had somehow lost touch and missed something vital and felt very upset by this
Can I just add he is now 28 and he and his Mum are the very best of friends and very very close . I think she was terrified that she somehow has let him slip away and lost him due to her not seeing that he was struggling in his teens .
Sorry if I am not helping you I am only trying to let you see that mums too have to try to learn to cope .
No, you are definitely helping me. I do have a major tendency not to look at an issue from different angles, which is partly my reason for posting a thread here.
My mum and me have always been close; we are very similar in numerous ways so I can see me coming out and both her and my dad having no idea as me moving further out of reach through my age and just because they feel as though they don't know me anymore. I shall have to be more sensitive to this.
Exactally , they feel they are loosing the grip and it makes them sad , maybe similar to a kid moving away and parents have to let go .
Well done for seeing another view and maybe ,hopefully , it will help you give them a little more time .
Edit
Ps , that sound very patronising when I rea dit again !! I didnt mean it to be , I simply meant it good to be open and you have made the first step to a good outcome .
The fact you've come on here and asked for views shows that you are sensitive even though you probably don't realise it.
I wish you every happiness.
Also, there is the another angle which occurs to me. If you've only been with your girlfriend for three months and yet already know you are in love with her, if you've told your parents this part, it might seem to them like it's too soon and that you're rushing into it.
You don't think you are, obviously, but anyone who falls in love after three months will have people telling them it's a bit quick. Such an opinion might be right or might be wrong, but it's not exclusively an opinion that only gets levelled at people who are gay. Anyone who falls in love in their very first relationship will have heard the very same thing. Your parents might not want to tell you they think you are being hasty, but they might think it and that might be tempering their attitudes.
Your Mum has another pressure on her, too - if her parents are both not in the best of health, she probably feels like everything she thought she knew and had has all changed in a very short space of time. That can't be easy for her.
I think that you seem very sensitive and sensible that must have something to do with your parents; they brought you up after all. So it sounds to me like it's a waiting game now. You have to wait for it to sink in with them.
But I also think that maybe your mum's feelings are confused over this - I don't know how your relationship is with her, but perhaps she thinks that she can't share all this with you and feels distanced. For her it was a fairly traditional path - marriage and children - and a daughter with whom she can share all this with. I know that my mum winges about my dad more now that I'm married (unfortunately a bit too much!) and perhaps she is thinking she's lost something? Also maybe she's not sure how to approach you both in terms of offering any advice herself - it's not like she can have that 'oh all men are like that' conversation. My friend's mum admitted to these sorts of confusion when her daughter came out and settled down - if it helps they're all fine now but it took time.
Is there any websites, leaflets or books that might help? My parents objected to the age gap in my marriage but I was able to give them a steer in the right place with a relevant book. I'd say take it slowly and approach this at stages that they are comfortable with. Your brother sounds great so perhaps see if he can offer some support at family events - if he is comfortable then they might be influenced by this.
I wish you well.
Thank you both of you for your kind words. I shall take everything you said on board.
Espresso: no, they don't know that I'm in love with my girlfriend; I wasn't planning on telling them that for a while because I thought it would go down exactly the way you described - them thinking I was being hasty and jumping into my first relationship without thinking.
That is very true about my mum's worries for her parents' health. I was kind of a shoulder for her to cry on whilst on holiday when she found out my granddad had cancer - my dad not being emotionally available (her words, not mine). I think a lot of the time she sees me as her friend, rather than her daughter and kind of had to adjust back to the mother/daughter relationship.
Shadow: I think they are both a lot more traditional and conservative than I had once thought. She might feel lost in regards to giving me advice with my first relationship too, that is true - I hadn't thought of that.
The book idea is actually something I thought fleetingly about - I know there are books aimed at the parents of gay children, so I will have a look out for them.
My brother is awesome, and was so welcoming when Melissa met the family...I can really rely on him to be a calming influence.
I think this is one thing that they will have to accept at their own pace. If its any consolation it isn't just same-sex relationships that run into prejudice. My future MIL can't stand me for no other reason than I am living with her son and he isn't at her beck and call 247!
Best of luck. give it time and I am sure that things will work themselves out once they got used to it.
posted in the wrong place.
Thank you very much stargazer. It is a consolation to me that other relationships also are surrounded by prejudice (as horrible as that sounds!). That's sad about your MIL but maybe she'll get used to it the further down the line it gets?
I'll just keep going about with things in my own way (I'm packing in a lot of time with my gf at the moment, which my parents might resent because I've seen her more than I've seen them - but me and the gf are both doing years abroad next year so it will be more difficult to meet up, but a damn good test for a relationship!) and see what happens!