Peter Andre (part 3)
smilliekylie
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stalker !
I have an unhealthy addiction to the Amazon TangoMan review pages.
It's either 'oh my God, this is amazing, best singer, most talented Dad, playing this album 24hrs a day, needs more respect, blah blah blah'
or
'Totally sh*te'.....then a complete destruction of the Tangoed one and his output
Either way it's hilarious
Continuation of: Andre's "suffering" (part 2)
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This is REALLY old, but sounds very familiar. This man needs a new script!
THE MIRROR MAN; Peter Andre - He's so vain he probably thinks this story's about him.
Link/Page Citation
He Loves The Mirror, I've been told. So I'm looking forward to meeting another loyal reader. And, sure enough, that's just what Peter Andre is engrossed in as I peep around the door of his hotel bedroom... only it's the mirror on his dressing table.
The singer with the most famous six-pack in the world made his name by getting his kit off and showing off his perfectly-honed chest. Now, as he runs his fingers through his gelled raven locks, he's inspecting its olive perma-tan. He spots me and tears himself away to give me a great, wet kiss on the cheek.
I back away and wipe off the brown goo he's just rubbed on my face. "I don't usually wear this much make-up," he protests. "It's only because I've just done a TV interview. It's horrible I don't know how you women put up with it."
Yeah, right.
I resist pointing out that none of my friends wears half the make-up he does. "Er, got any remover?" he asks. The rows of exotic bottles on his bathroom shelf include body oil, skin creams, designer Armani aftershave and hair products galore. No remover. Pop Adonis Peter is in Athens for part of his frantic European promotional tour, and he's invited me to join him for the day.
He's wearing a black suit and smart black shirt unbuttoned to the waist to reveal that chest. Its mahogany sheen is set off by a weighty gold necklace. I've been with him since this morning, when a make-up lady arrived to cake on the goo and mould his hair into shape.
It's been a manic day. Already he has given interviews to a radio station and six magazines, including Popcorn, the Greek equivalent of Smash Hits. Popcorn needed pictures, so the make-up lady got to work. He emerged several shades darker, strutted to a corner and started striking his well-rehearsed resume of poses.
Peter shrugged his jacket off one shoulder, then the other, then both, all the while giving the camera his best mean-and-moody pout. Then came his interview on the TV show Ano Kato (meaning Upside Down), the Greek version of Top Of The Pops. Incredibly, more make-up was trowelled on. He took it in his stride, then leaned back, adjusted his sunglasses and grinned at the camera. He'd been wearing the shades all day, but whipped them into his pocket fast when the TV presenter told him in pidgin English: "For to be more lovable, you need to take them off." Peter speaks a little of the local lingo, thanks to his Greek parents.
Before the cameras started rolling, he whispered to the presenter: "How do you say: 'My love to all my fans' in Greek?" Then he practised the phrase five times, finishing off with a big cheesy grin into the camera. He ushers me into his suite where he's going to relax before his concert for 2,000 Greek teenagers. He hurriedly picks up yesterday's underpants from the floor - Calvin Klein, naturally - and winks. "You're going to have to excuse this mess, but I am a fella." Thanks for reminding me, Peter.
Suddenly, in front of a floor to ceiling mirror he launches himself into a series of bizarre, Bruce Lee-style kicks. No time for his daily, body- beautiful gym session, he explains. I should be fainting with excitement. Millions of teenage girls the world over would give their Spice Girl CD collections to be standing where I am - in Peter Andre's bedroom as he flexes his pecs. Instead, I am trying not to laugh.
I have to try even harder when he tells me: "I've decided to put my image second and my music first. "I think people will get sick of looking at my body," he goes on, pausing to tease his slicked-back hair into place. "My fans are growing up and I can't stay the same forever. "I want to do a movie." He breaks into a New York drawl.
"I reckon I do an all right De Niro. 'You talking to me? See that guy over there - he's not a good guy, I'm telling ya'." He roars with laughter. "I'd love to star next to Pacino and De Niro. But one thing's for sure, I'm not taking my shirt off to sell records again. I might as well be a Chippendale."
We're interrupted by two huge, mean-looking men I presume to be minders. They have just surfaced from bed, nursing hangovers. Peter introduces me to his big brothers. Chris, 34, a bouzouki player, once worked as Peter's manager. Danny, 30, is head of his security. "I always knew he had it," says Chris proudly, puffing out his chest, which is larger but not as perfectly formed as Peter's. "We used to sit in the bedroom after school and I'd make him practise singing high notes."
Peter Andrea was born in Harrow, London. His family moved to Australia's Gold Coast, when he was ten. As a teenager, he won a talent show, was offered a recording contract and went on to support Bobby Brown and Madonna on their Australian tours. Three years ago, Peter moved back to London, and a series of hits - Mysterious Girl, Only One, I Feel You, All About Us and a No 1, Flava.
Now, at 24, he has just banked his first million.
So why hasn't Peter had a girlfriend for eight months, I ask, trying to imagine the morning battle for the bathroom mirror. "I like being single," he replies, defensively. "I can concentrate on my work and not feel guilty." The last lady in his life was dancer Sharleen Moore, 19. They split up in February. Now he believes women are scared off by his superstar status. "They feel too intimidated to come up to me."
His mobile rings and he grabs it excitedly. But it's just his mum calling from Australia. "Have you found yourself a nice Greek girl yet?" she says. Peter cringes. "She's been asking that for years. My parents are from Cyprus and there's nothing mum would like more. But I tell her she'll have to wait until I fall in love.
"I haven't seen my mum for 18 months but when I'm here I speak to her every day."
Maybe he's not so bad after all, I think, as he gives me a goodbye peck on the cheek.
Peter Andre's new single Lonely, on Mushroom Records, is on sale now.
COPYRIGHT 1997 MGN LTD
No portion of this article can be reproduced without the express written permission from the copyright holder.
Copyright 1997 Gale, Cengage Learning. All rights reserved.
If you think the Big nit reviews are hilarious, take a quick look at these
http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000JU8FXK/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1
;-)
Ahem.
Part 3 people. PART BLOODY 3!!!!!!!!!!
I for one, would like to thank my family, my friends, my kids (obviously - I bloody love them) my wardrobe assistant and make up artiste, but most of all, I'd like to thank you - the little people, who work so tirelessly to ensure that there is always a tiny corner of DS ready to demonstrate what a complete and utter **** Tangoman really is.
Oh the 'Whole new World' Amazon review page
One can lose a whole morning at work reading that stuff, non-stop enjoyment, some of it is priceless. Hope the 'Big Nit' Amazon page can continue this trend.
Saying that 'Big Nit' has now got a Wikipedia page, with all the glowing reviews, but not any of the negative ones. Again, who on here wrote this ? Luckily I'm good at editing Wiki ;-)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Night_(Peter_Andre_album)
I won't repost the whole article, but that is bloody brilliant. He's clearly not changed, and we've been blaming Clare's influence! It's all there:
Preening - Check
Overly made up - Check
Cheesy as all hell - Check
Delusions of grandeur - Check
Lies - Check
Superficial charm - Check
Hanger-on brothers - Check
Gratuitous references to Greek heritage/family - Check
A **** can't change its spots.
Also, Pt 3! Woo! You could say it's The Next Chapter.
I'd actually read most of the article thinking it was a relatively new one.
Then I got to the bit that said Tangoman was 24.
He's genuinely been pulling the same crap for the last 17 years!!!
How has no-one slapped him yet?
I have to say, I'm deeply disappointed that the mods decided to call this thread "Peter Andre".
It's just so....dull.
They could have put a bit of thought into it, and called it "Tangoman - will the suffering never bloody end" or something.
:kitty:
HolyMoly Twitter commented on this earlier. Kinda funny ;-)
https://twitter.com/HolyMoly/status/472022860903776256
Holy Moly! @HolyMoly · 4h
People of Derby! Are you ready for @MrPeterAndre? He'll be opposite Dorothy Perkins at 4pm.
Then I got to the bit that said Tangoman was 24
He's genuinely been pulling the same crap for the last 17 years!!!
How has no-one slapped him yet?
I have to say, I'm deeply disappointed that the mods decided to call this thread "Peter Andre".
It's just so....dull.
They could have put a bit of thought into it, and called it "Tangoman - will the suffering never bloody end" or something.
:kitty:[/QUOTE]
Same here, I thought it was recent, until his age appeared :o Nothing has changed but his age, same ego, showing off, De Niro must have been worried way back:D
After a stressful day this was just what I needed, it's hilarious esp bits in bold, though for me, the best part was him doing his Bruce Lee kicks!:D:D
Me too ladies, you can kind of excuse that type of behaviour from a young guy but when he's still acting exactly the same way at 41, it's just so bleurgh & cringe worthy
I'm shocked that he didn't speak Greek fluently, I thought KP was learning Greek during their marriage. Maybe she thought it was her duty to ensure the children had a good understanding of the language.
I can only conclude, the NME doesn't consider 'Big Nit' music, so not worthy of review.
For this I can only applaud them.
@Artless, dear God, who knew one article could contain so much orange cringe??
Either that or they're still trying to put their feelings into words. ;-)
They do say a picture paints a thousand words.
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/9e/Cowpat.jpg
Or this: http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/scream.jpg
he reached where in the charts?
my guess is they themselves have bought the CD to give away at the concerts to push the position in the charts ..
What number will TM's new album get to ......
Betty Britain 82
Blue Eyed lady 74
Azura's Star 100
Blondie X 55
artlesschaos 72
Cym 98
cazzz 41
Ella71110 69
Hmmbop 2 (funniest thing I've heard in a long time)
Bela 63
DiamondDoll
NotaTypo 73
bunny55
Goaty 1
Daisy Bennyboots 44
j0anne 75
Kat_12 65
The Prumeister 147
scone
Cyril_Sneer 54
Anna.Nuttall 85
livingdeadgirl 50
Butterface 53
Essex Angel* 92
kiviraat 38
changa
Not fussy 96
Gortonian 60
Momma11 10
Part 3 eh? I haven't been on this thread for weeks and weeks, but well done all! Who knew his suffering could stretch this far! And roll on Sunday to see who wins the chart position guess!
Awwww...he can suffer enough for all of us.
The Shortbuster?
Sadly, the abomination that is 'Big Nit' is currently residing at Number 20 in the Midweek Charts.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio1/chart/updatealbums
Dropped out the Top 100, was at 99, now at 158.
So far on Itunes it's only peaked at 92. Doesn't look like the fans like digital copies, I guess it's all about getting yourself a nice shiny signed copy, with a hint of fake tan on the surface
Dropping out:
[70] 102. Justified - Justin Timberlake
[81] 103. Meet The Vamps (Deluxe Version) - The Vamps
[90] 104. Parachutes - Coldplay
[64] 116. No More Idols - Chase & Status
[92] 118. EDM - Big & Bangin' - Various Artists
[43] 120. Bright Lights (Deluxe Edition) - Ellie Goulding
[91] 122. The Secret - Austin Mahone
[82] 123. Mongol Horde - Mongol Horde
[96] 127. Tribute - John Newman
[54] 143. Souvenir - The Singles - Kaiser Chiefs
[75] 147. Velociraptor! - Kasabian
[99] 158. Big Night (Deluxe Version) - Peter Andre
[100] 177. A Letter Home - Neil Young