Hiya no advice as such because I haven't been there from your side and you have had some from people who have been there.
But just wanted to say I was awful at 18. I clashed with my Mum terribly and regularly felt I hated her. I moved out at 19.
It's now seven years later and I'm 25 and have never been closer to her. She's basically my best friend and we speak every day. Me moving out made me realise how great she really is and see that our clashes were down to a mixture of being stuck together in the same place, me wanting my freedom and not knowing how to handle my new adult responsibilities and to be honest, that me and her are so similar (took me a while to admit that ). I don't think at 18 your teenage hormones have stopped, mine definitely hadn't. And actually I think it's even harder then as you still have them but also feel like you shouldn't because you're now an adult. It's a difficult time, or at least it was for me.
But my point is, don't take this too personally. I cannot apologise enough to my Mum for how I treated her at that age. I would bet money that in seven years time, your daughter will feel exactly the same.
Hiya no advice as such because I haven't been there from your side and you have had some from people who have been there.
But just wanted to say I was awful at 18. I clashed with my Mum terribly and regularly felt I hated her. I moved out at 19.
It's now seven years later and I'm 25 and have never been closer to her. She's basically my best friend and we speak every day. Me moving out made me realise how great she really is and see that our clashes were down to a mixture of being stuck together in the same place, me wanting my freedom and not knowing how to handle my new adult responsibilities and to be honest, that me and her are so similar (took me a while to admit that ). I don't think at 18 your teenage hormones have stopped, mine definitely hadn't. And actually I think it's even harder then as you still have them but also feel like you shouldn't because you're now an adult. It's a difficult time, or at least it was for me.
But my point is, don't take this too personally. I cannot apologise enough to my Mum for how I treated her at that age. I would bet money that in seven years time, your daughter will feel exactly the same.
Thank you for sharing that I do think part of the issue is we are 2 women in the same space. She trying out being an adult (or at least the fun part) without any of the responsibilities.
It's interesting you say you and your mother clashed in part as you were alike. I always thought she is like her dad, and in most ways she is, but obviously she takes after me too. Both me and her dad are not shy at all. We are both quite dominant people so she had no chance of being quiet or easy going did she? I'm less outgoing now as life just sometimes knocks the stuffing out of you doesn't it? I feel very lacking in stuffing today
How important is the question of her doing the dishes? Does it really matter if she doesn't? Can the rest of the household not cope with doing them? It seems to me that she has a lot to do already, what with her daily studies and her (fairly substantial ) part-time job? I wouldn't be surprised if she feels that she has a lot of responsibility already and may possibly even be resentful about some of that and sees the dishes as a piddling matter in the general scheme of things. I would leave her to get on with the studies and the job, I think.
My teenage daughter has just told me she hates me and would move out if she could afford to. She also said I am a horrible person.
She is 18 and we have been clashing more than normal over the last few months. I'm so upset. If she was 14 or 15 I could put it down to hormones but at 18 it sounds more serious.
She has gone to work now (she has a p/t job) and I have sent her a text saying I love her and can we talk to sort it out but she hasn't replied (though she is probably in work now so that may be why).
Has anyone any advice?
Just maybe back off and give her a bit of space
My oldest is nearly 15, he's a bit stroppy sometimes but if I leave him in peace he normally comes to me
He does help with chores and keeps on top of his room
At 18 she is able to support herself, tough love might be good for her in the long run, she probably realises you are afraid. I would show her a stronger side and in a calm time sit her down and tell her you are not going to live with her current attitude, it is your house and your rules, if she doesn't like them she can get a full time job and get her own place. You might get on better not being under the same roof. Suggest she gives it some thought. She will develop more respect for you.
I'm another one who went through this stage, although I was a bit younger. I look back and cringe at how awful I was. I don't think my mum could do ANYTHING right at that stage so I don't think it matters too much what you do - if she was soft on me I looked down on her as a weak parent, if she was hard on me I resented her as a slave driver. So just take whichever stance makes your life easier. To be honest it sounds like you're doing a great job, very loving and understanding, and one day she will be so grateful for you.
She will grow out of it, we all do.
Sorry, not great advice, just wanted to say I feel for you and I hope it's some comfort that she will one day be ashamed of her behaviour and realise how lucky she is to have you.
The dishes aren't important. I just used them as an example of one of the things we have argued about. I do agree she works hard. She isn't lazy and I'm very proud of her for that.
It's the aggression that I can't cope with. Flying off the handle and shouting and swearing for what, I think, are trivial things. Two further examples are when I suggested it would be a good idea for her top sort her work uniform out the night before instead of getting angry at me that she can't find socks. And the time I didn't want her to use my best bowls to eat out of when lying on the sofa eating her dinner. That time she screamed and swore at me for quite a while.
I do appreciate everyone's insights though. And it's comforting to hear the other perspective and that it gets better.
An update to the situation is that she is home but ignoring me. However on the plus side she has asked my son how to use the washing machine and has put some clothes in
I so want t do that It makes me feel like a terrible mother. We have money set aside to help her when she does move out but she doesn't know this. My husband asked this morning if we should mention it to her. She is only 18 though. She has no money of her own apart from her p/t job.
I wouldn't mention it. By the sounds of it, once she knows the money is there for her she will bleed you dry. At 18 many people have jobs, homes (rented or owned) and responsibilities. She needs to live in the real world and see she can't always get her own way.
She goes to college and works about 15 hours a week at her job so I suppose I have let her off helping about the house because of this.
Then she's in for a damn shock when she moves out! She needs a reality check, is there anyone she can perhaps stay with who will give her said reality check?
I am going to go against most posts here . A person will only treat you as you allow them to
At 18 she needs to know that that behaviour is not tolerated and nor will you be spoken to like that
Of course she shouldnt be leaving dishes in the sink or expecting others to wash up her mess .
Personally I would not pussy foot about her or give in because she flounces about
You wouldnt tolerate from a husband or from a child or from a neighbour or from a mother . So why tolerate it from a 18 year old daughter
If she is ignoring you then ignore her right back
If she is pleasant be pleasant back
Let her know how hurtful and rude she is and dont be a door mat
Thank you for your perspective. I'm trying to remember when I was that age but its soooo long ago.
She is a good girl, works hard and is usually lovely. I do think she wants to be more adult than she really is. When she turned 18 she told me I couldn't tell her what to do any more. It's not as if I'm an overbearing disciplinarian! She's always been headstrong and done things her way.
How important is the question of her doing the dishes? Does it really matter if she doesn't? Can the rest of the household not cope with doing them? It seems to me that she has a lot to do already, what with her daily studies and her (fairly substantial ) part-time job? I wouldn't be surprised if she feels that she has a lot of responsibility already and may possibly even be resentful about some of that and sees the dishes as a piddling matter in the general scheme of things. I would leave her to get on with the studies and the job, I think.
At 18 she's old enough to enter the real world and deal with chores study and work
I am going to go against most posts here . A person will only treat you as you allow them to
At 18 she needs to know that that behaviour is not tolerated and nor will you be spoken to like that
Of course she shouldnt be leaving dishes in the sink or expecting others to wash up her mess .
Personally I would not pussy foot about her or give in because she flounces about
You wouldnt tolerate from a husband or from a child or from a neighbour or from a mother . So why tolerate it from a 18 year old daughter
If she is ignoring you then ignore her right back
If she is pleasant be pleasant back
Let her know how hurtful and rude she is and dont be a door mat
I do feel like a doormat lately there's been other stuff going on that's knocked my oomph out of me. To be honest she has probably always been a bit of a handful but I was strong enough to deal with it. You are absolutely right though. It's ridiculous putting up with it.
She is still not talking to me properly but is being civil so I am being civil right back at her.
I hate to make excuses for her but I think the bad temper getting worse may have something to do with the contraceptive implant she had put in about 18 months ago. As I said she has always been dominant and quick to lose her temper but this anger is new. She had a long term boyfriend but they split up 6 months ago. I have suggested the anger may be due to the implant but that makes her more annoyed as she says it's me who annoys her. She won't consider it might be whatever hormones are in her system. And now there is a new boy in the picture so that's that. Any discussion is shouted down.
My own daughter had an implant removed due to severe mood swings and anger
:(:(
She won't discuss it with me now. Even though I've said it's not her it's the hormones. She flies off the handle and says 'you just want me to get pregnant 'How do you rationally continue from there?
I'm going to give it a few days till the dust settles and maybe mention it again. Problem being I didn't want her to get it in the first place and she knows this. Maybe I am old fashioned but I just don't like the idea of them.
Then when the anger increased thought it was my prejudices colouring my opinion.
She won't discuss it with me now. Even though I've said it's not her it's the hormones. She flies off the handle and says 'you just want me to get pregnant 'How do you rationally continue from there?
I'm going to give it a few days till the dust settles and maybe mention it again. Problem being I didn't want her to get it in the first place and she knows this. Maybe I am old fashioned but I just don't like the idea of them.
Then when the anger increased thought it was my prejudices colouring my opinion.
How about writing her an e mail or a letter . Put down how you feel , how she upsets you , how you worry about her , how cross she seems , how you love her , how you want her to be happy
Wait till this episode passes and press send
Meantime dont pander to her , if she huffs huff back , if she puffs puff back , if she blanks you blank back . If she is kind be kind back
Good luck !!!
If its any consolation my huffy puffy teens turned into fine adults !!
How about writing her an e mail or a letter . Put down how you feel , how she upsets you , how you worry about her , how cross she seems , how you love her , how you want her to be happy
Wait till this episode passes and press send
Meantime dont pander to her , if she huffs huff back , if she puffs puff back , if she blanks you blank back . If she is kind be kind back
Good luck !!!
If its any consolation my huffy puffy teens turned into fine adults !!
That is a consolation! It's been a tough couple of days but if I can hold onto the hope she will become a nice human being soon then I can do it
It's been an exhausting day. Thank you everyone for you advice. I was feeling very alone but it has helped to read your comments. I'm going to try to sleep.
I'm not going to agree about some of the solutions that have been proposed here. Dishes. It's a matter of perspective as well as practicality. Depends how the rest of the family is fixed and whether there is room for some flexibility in the domestic chores regime. One does dishes, another does homework study or part-time work or something else.
She won't discuss it with me now. Even though I've said it's not her it's the hormones. She flies off the handle and says 'you just want me to get pregnant 'How do you rationally continue from there?
I'm going to give it a few days till the dust settles and maybe mention it again. Problem being I didn't want her to get it in the first place and she knows this. Maybe I am old fashioned but I just don't like the idea of them.
Then when the anger increased thought it was my prejudices colouring my opinion.
I don't blame you for thinking that.
But don't forget that sometimes it's simply a case of a mother's place is in the wrong, so she will fly off the handle no matter what you say. Let things settle for a while, as you say.
Look for a bedsit for her, fund three months rent, and pack her bags. She's too old to be such a horrible brat. Fending for herself will make her grow up at long last. She might even appreciate home and all she once had.
you cannot tolerate being spoken to in your own home like that. This is nastier than dishes in the sink etc. She is aiming to hurt - you're not helping by telling her you love her as it's not working, it's only feeding her sense of power.
Call her bluff and find out if she's got the gumption to go it alone.
^^^This. It's what I had to do, just to save my sanity. Trust me, it works.
At 18 she's old enough to enter the real world and deal with chores study and work
Have to agree. It's tough because at that age you really don't want to do them but the reality is if she hates mum so much she moves out - she'll HAVE to do them! You really don't fully appreciate everything your parents do for you until you have to do them for yourself. However not doing them at all will just make it a huge shock when she does finally leave. Both myself and my partner lived at home until we moved in together. The difference was I cooked and cleaned, he did nothing. Needless to say it was a bit of a shock to his system. 4 years later and he's with it but I do wish his parents had made him do more, it would have made starting our life together easier.
A girl at work was complaining the other week that her parents take £150 board off her a month! For that she does nothing around the house but she was most put out. Needless to say we all had a good laugh.
You need to toughen up and she needs to grow up.:). She's an adult and I had friends her age who were married with babies at her age.
Tell her straight .... It's your house and you will not tolerate such rudeness. If she doesn't like it she can find her own place and move out. The longer you allow her to behave like a spoilt brat, the harder it will be.
I so want t do that It makes me feel like a terrible mother. We have money set aside to help her when she does move out but she doesn't know this. My husband asked this morning if we should mention it to her. She is only 18 though. She has no money of her own apart from her p/t job.
Don't be hard on yourself, parenting is difficult.
I was also going to suggest you let her go to fend for herself, at least for a while. But there is something about that 'Maybe I'm just not a very nice person' comment that resonates and makes me feel awfully sad for your daughter. There may a physiological cause or something happening outside the home that is affecting her behaviour beyond the normal bratty teenage stage - is she stressed at college? does she have a boyfriend?
I would try to satisfy myself in some way there is no underlying cause and then let her go. It could be the making of her and your relationship with her.
That's what jumped out for me as well. Perhaps she has something going in in college, work or her private life that she is struggling with and is taking it out on her nearest and dearest.
Comments
But just wanted to say I was awful at 18. I clashed with my Mum terribly and regularly felt I hated her. I moved out at 19.
It's now seven years later and I'm 25 and have never been closer to her. She's basically my best friend and we speak every day. Me moving out made me realise how great she really is and see that our clashes were down to a mixture of being stuck together in the same place, me wanting my freedom and not knowing how to handle my new adult responsibilities and to be honest, that me and her are so similar (took me a while to admit that
But my point is, don't take this too personally. I cannot apologise enough to my Mum for how I treated her at that age. I would bet money that in seven years time, your daughter will feel exactly the same.
I'm going to discuss the whole chores issue. I agree she should e contributing in one way or another.
Thank you for sharing that
It's interesting you say you and your mother clashed in part as you were alike. I always thought she is like her dad, and in most ways she is, but obviously she takes after me too. Both me and her dad are not shy at all. We are both quite dominant people so she had no chance of being quiet or easy going did she? I'm less outgoing now as life just sometimes knocks the stuffing out of you doesn't it? I feel very lacking in stuffing today
Just maybe back off and give her a bit of space
My oldest is nearly 15, he's a bit stroppy sometimes but if I leave him in peace he normally comes to me
He does help with chores and keeps on top of his room
She will grow out of it, we all do.
Sorry, not great advice, just wanted to say I feel for you and I hope it's some comfort that she will one day be ashamed of her behaviour and realise how lucky she is to have you.
The dishes aren't important. I just used them as an example of one of the things we have argued about. I do agree she works hard. She isn't lazy and I'm very proud of her for that.
It's the aggression that I can't cope with. Flying off the handle and shouting and swearing for what, I think, are trivial things. Two further examples are when I suggested it would be a good idea for her top sort her work uniform out the night before instead of getting angry at me that she can't find socks. And the time I didn't want her to use my best bowls to eat out of when lying on the sofa eating her dinner. That time she screamed and swore at me for quite a while.
I do appreciate everyone's insights though. And it's comforting to hear the other perspective and that it gets better.
An update to the situation is that she is home but ignoring me. However on the plus side she has asked my son how to use the washing machine and has put some clothes in
I wouldn't mention it. By the sounds of it, once she knows the money is there for her she will bleed you dry. At 18 many people have jobs, homes (rented or owned) and responsibilities. She needs to live in the real world and see she can't always get her own way.
Then she's in for a damn shock when she moves out! She needs a reality check, is there anyone she can perhaps stay with who will give her said reality check?
At 18 she needs to know that that behaviour is not tolerated and nor will you be spoken to like that
Of course she shouldnt be leaving dishes in the sink or expecting others to wash up her mess .
Personally I would not pussy foot about her or give in because she flounces about
You wouldnt tolerate from a husband or from a child or from a neighbour or from a mother . So why tolerate it from a 18 year old daughter
If she is ignoring you then ignore her right back
If she is pleasant be pleasant back
Let her know how hurtful and rude she is and dont be a door mat
It's your house of course she should help out
At 18 she's old enough to enter the real world and deal with chores study and work
So , what if the rest of the household dont want to either ? Why is it ok for one not to want to and the others dont get that choice ?
I do feel like a doormat lately
She is still not talking to me properly but is being civil so I am being civil right back at her.
I hate to make excuses for her but I think the bad temper getting worse may have something to do with the contraceptive implant she had put in about 18 months ago. As I said she has always been dominant and quick to lose her temper but this anger is new. She had a long term boyfriend but they split up 6 months ago. I have suggested the anger may be due to the implant but that makes her more annoyed as she says it's me who annoys her. She won't consider it might be whatever hormones are in her system. And now there is a new boy in the picture so that's that. Any discussion is shouted down.
She won't discuss it with me now. Even though I've said it's not her it's the hormones. She flies off the handle and says 'you just want me to get pregnant 'How do you rationally continue from there?
I'm going to give it a few days till the dust settles and maybe mention it again. Problem being I didn't want her to get it in the first place and she knows this. Maybe I am old fashioned but I just don't like the idea of them.
Then when the anger increased thought it was my prejudices colouring my opinion.
How about writing her an e mail or a letter . Put down how you feel , how she upsets you , how you worry about her , how cross she seems , how you love her , how you want her to be happy
Wait till this episode passes and press send
Meantime dont pander to her , if she huffs huff back , if she puffs puff back , if she blanks you blank back . If she is kind be kind back
Good luck !!!
If its any consolation my huffy puffy teens turned into fine adults !!
That is a consolation! It's been a tough couple of days but if I can hold onto the hope she will become a nice human being soon then I can do it
It's been an exhausting day. Thank you everyone for you advice. I was feeling very alone but it has helped to read your comments. I'm going to try to sleep.
I don't blame you for thinking that.
But don't forget that sometimes it's simply a case of a mother's place is in the wrong, so she will fly off the handle no matter what you say. Let things settle for a while, as you say.
^^^This. It's what I had to do, just to save my sanity. Trust me, it works.
Have to agree. It's tough because at that age you really don't want to do them but the reality is if she hates mum so much she moves out - she'll HAVE to do them!
A girl at work was complaining the other week that her parents take £150 board off her a month! For that she does nothing around the house but she was most put out. Needless to say we all had a good laugh.
Tell her straight .... It's your house and you will not tolerate such rudeness. If she doesn't like it she can find her own place and move out. The longer you allow her to behave like a spoilt brat, the harder it will be.
Don't be hard on yourself, parenting is difficult.
That's what jumped out for me as well. Perhaps she has something going in in college, work or her private life that she is struggling with and is taking it out on her nearest and dearest.