Hot and cold behaviour from girl

[Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 265
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Wondered if FMs could advise/comment on the bizarre behaviour from this girl I've started seeing. Particularly interested in a female perspective, but don't hold back chaps.

So here's the story (humblest apologies for the length - doesn't help that I am in thesis writing mode...)

Met this American girl at a college event and we hit it off instantly. I quickly invited her and any friends she wanted to bring to a party the following weekend. There the chemistry continued and we made out, but then she became a bit coy. We met for a drink later that week and things became a bit dicey. She was suddenly very reticent and all the charisma she had displayed before had pretty much dissipated. I asked if she was ok and she explained she was overwhelmed by moving here and the assignments on her grad course were piling up and she didn't want to rush into a relationship. I just said we would hang out and see how it goes, with no expectations. She agreed but then said she was feeling tired so I offered to drive her home. Things felt flat.

We met up for coffee the following week and while she was more relaxed there was still none of the buzz about her that there had been before, and she ignored my text to meet up again so I just left it. Then by chance last week, I bumped into her at the same bar and she was very outgoing and friendly (seemingly buoyed by a glass or two of vino) . And she was very forward, saying she had missed me and proceeded to come onto me pretty strong. After commenting on her inconsistent behaviour (she had nothing to say in response) I happily caved in, one thing led to another and we went back to her room. ..and had a lot of fun. And in chatting in-between it seemed the initial strong chemistry and attraction was back. But I had this feeling that she would be very awkward again in the morning (I was beginning to suspect her charisma all along was somewhat allied with drink to help her relax) and didn’t plan on hanging around. .. As it transpired she was very quiet, so I simply said we should meet up soon and swiftly left – but clean forgot to put my jumper back on under my coat.

So she texted later about the jumper and I said it wasn’t urgent and I’ll retrieve it later in the week. This is when things got really weird. It was like getting blood out of a stone trying to organise a good time to retrieve the bloody thing. It was clear she wanted to avoid meeting me in person so she ended up leaving it in the post room at her hall of residence, but not before a tetchy exchange of messages starting with her randomly texting me at 3.45am (?!) to announce where she had put it. Once I collected the jumper I left her a frivolous message joking about the situation to try and smooth over any angst, but did not want to try and arrange meeting up again as I had a strong impression she was averse to that.

My friends think she’s bonkers and I should pursue other options, but apart from the fact she’s hot, this wildly inconsistent behaviour of hers is definitely intriguing. She also never struck me as a 1 night stand kind of girl (and friends at the same hall have said she is not involved with anyone else).

I’m likely to bump into her at the same bar soon and wondered if I should play it cool or confront her about her bizarre antics...

(Sorry again for length - I tip my hat if you made it this far :D)
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Comments

  • academiaacademia Posts: 18,225
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    She's shy. She drinks at parties to give herself confidence. She gets oveconfdent and doesn't much like what she got confident wth when she's sober. Simples.
  • gemma-the-huskygemma-the-husky Posts: 18,116
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    she's been using you for hot love
  • Dangerous.DaveDangerous.Dave Posts: 1,940
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    "Hot and cold behaviour from girl" Haha what a title. Who'd have imagined such a thing eh!

    I can see why you are intrigued, especially if she is as attractive as you describe. She is obviously low on confidence when sober and a real Jekyll and Hyde but in a sexual way. Lots and lots of women are like this.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 12,881
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    My friends think she’s bonkers and I should pursue other options, but apart from the fact she’s hot, this wildly inconsistent behaviour of hers is definitely intriguing.

    They could be right Jack! Intruiging can be fun for a while but do your head in as time goes on.

    It could be that the the move over here is a big thing for her and she is very unsettled and not ready to handle a relationship on top of everything else.

    OR she could just be playing games with you.

    If it was me I would play is really cool and see what happens.
  • TheMagic8ballTheMagic8ball Posts: 3,432
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    :yawn: Alright, you seem like a nice guy so I'm gonna help you out here. :D

    I'd have a sit down with her friends that came to the party (if you can find them) and ask them what the deal with your "acquaintance" is.

    Obviously, you'd have to keep this on the down low so to speak and lie to her friends that you care and just want to know what her deal is(maybe you do care, I don't know)

    The second option would be to be a man and have a sit down with the lady in question herself, ask what her erratic behaviour is due to, and lie that you care(of course, as I said before, maybe you do?)
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 917
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    The questions is Jack, how many hurdles are you willing to go over in order to get under her? :p
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 280
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    She is new to the country, needs booze to feel good and a hormonal woman. She is probably all over the place herself.

    I would be cautious but be a friend to her if you care about her. She maybe worrying about how you feel about her and worried about how she was when she was bold. Give her space to work out her issues but reassure her that you are there for her. It takes a strong person to do this as this hot and cold behaviour can hurt.

    You could confront her and be open about how her behaviour is making you feel and ask her what she is looking for in the relationship.

    If you don't care about her, then move on and let her sort out her own issues.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 2,301
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    Had she been super enthusiastic to you straight away about being interested, I think you'd be thinking she's too keen and to slow down. So, it sounds to me as though she is feeling you out a bit. She has just moved here and is making a lot of adjustments so she may not really be sure yet about a few things.

    Also, it sounds like you may also be giving her a mixed signal. If I took a guy home that had some potential and he ran out the next morning, I would pretty much think he wasn't interested by his actions. I mean, you did have the chance to have her all to yourself sober but you left! Best thing to do is to get her talking - ask her a lot of questions about herself and then make a joke about how weird it feels the morning after a drunken shag.

    Thing is, you have had a couple dates, so to me that says she is responding - you just seem to have pre-set ideas to how she should be acting. If you are genuinely interested in her, I wouldn't give up just yet, part of the brilliance of potential new relationships is finding that common ground and mutual level of comfort. Means you will have to put yourself out there a bit and not just her and see where it goes.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 265
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    Many thanks for the replies. I don't know her well enough to care that much - I emphasise it's the curiosity factor that's drawing me in here.
    she's been using you for hot love

    If it boils down to that, I have no problem. No problem whatsoever. I'm totally cool with that. Usually though, that type of girl is more in control of herself.
    They could be right Jack! Intruiging can be fun for a while but do your head in as time goes on.

    It could be that the the move over here is a big thing for her and she is very unsettled and not ready to handle a relationship on top of everything else.

    OR she could just be playing games with you.

    If it was me I would play is really cool and see what happens.

    Thanks stargazer, this is always my instinct. It depends though whether she has had a few by the time I next bump into her or is stone cold sober...
    The questions is Jack, how many hurdles are you willing to go over in order to get under her? :p

    I used to run 110m hurdles in just under 14.5 secs so quite a few as it happens...
    Handers wrote: »
    Also, it sounds like you may also be giving her a mixed signal. If I took a guy home that had some potential and he ran out the next morning, I would pretty much think he wasn't interested by his actions. I mean, you did have the chance to have her all to yourself sober but you left! Best thing to do is to get her talking - ask her a lot of questions about herself and then make a joke about how weird it feels the morning after a drunken shag.

    Haha - in previous experiences like this I have found it's best to make a polite but swift exit, though I take your point Handers, and next time - if there is a next time - I'll have a go
  • cnbcwatchercnbcwatcher Posts: 56,681
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    "Hot and cold behaviour from girl"

    I have the Katy Perry song stuck in my head as I read this :o;)
  • JulesFJulesF Posts: 6,461
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    Sounds to me like she lacks confidence, drinks to overcome this, behaves in an uncharacteristic way and then regrets it in the morning. It's a typical vicious circle type thing. One of my friends at uni was the same. I can see why you would be intrigued, but, trust me, it will quickly become boring beyond belief.

    I'd say this girl is probably too much like hard work.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 2,938
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    Sounds like a load of hard work. Hot wild woman when pissed, miserable moody mare when not. Good god, this one is best left alone. Shy or not, she has 2 complete different personalities and you'd be wondering which one is going to turn up if you ever dated. Next time you see her give her a nod then move swiftly on.
  • plymeverton1878plymeverton1878 Posts: 697
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    She wants it in the pooper, but she is too shy to come out and say it. You need to send a forceful message suggesting a time and place for the act to take place.
  • Miles_TMiles_T Posts: 2,519
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    I think she's using you for a shag when she feels like it until someone, in here eyes, better comes along. She's actually behaving like a lot of men do.
  • mirrorimagemirrorimage Posts: 4,622
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    I’m likely to bump into her at the same bar soon and wondered if I should play it cool or confront her about her bizarre antics...

    You seem to be one who understands the difficulties between men and women, how seldom it works out, yet we all keep trying like fools.

    Dave
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 265
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    You seem to be one who understands the difficulties between men and women, how seldom it works out, yet we all keep trying like fools.

    Dave

    Great line from the basketcase on wheels - I salute you.

    And you know what I always say at a time like this...?
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 265
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    Miles_T wrote: »
    I think she's using you for a shag when she feels like it until someone, in here eyes, better comes along. She's actually behaving like a lot of men do.

    This is the thing.

    If I had got drunk, come onto a girl, hauled her back to my room then she left something behind in the morning and I went out of my way to avoid returning the item in person, I'd be called an arsehole.

    I have no expectations but I'm sorry, if when I see her next she comes onto me again, I'll go with the flow (so to speak). No doubt about it.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 6,924
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    If her name is Kirsty then she is acting hot and cold with you as she already has a boyfriend. If not then I am sorry, just feels a bit odd that my friend has gone through the same thing lately.
  • sadoldbirdsadoldbird Posts: 9,626
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    academia wrote: »
    She's shy. She drinks at parties to give herself confidence. She gets oveconfdent and doesn't much like what she got confident wth when she's sober. Simples.

    Maybe this ^?

    Bit it's odd that she has repeated the behaviour.

    To be honest, I'd stop trying to make sense of her. She sounds like way too much hard work.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 265
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    avasgranny wrote: »
    If her name is Kirsty then she is acting hot and cold with you as she already has a boyfriend. If not then I am sorry, just feels a bit odd that my friend has gone through the same thing lately.

    Relax - it's not actually that small a world
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 265
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    sadoldbird wrote: »
    Maybe this ^?

    Bit it's odd that she has repeated the behaviour.

    To be honest, I'd stop trying to make sense of her. She sounds like way too much hard work.

    I don't mind a bit of hard graft. You can interpret that both ways
  • MadameLaMinxMadameLaMinx Posts: 895
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    From her perspective, she gets it on with you, you up and leave, and then when she talks to you about "giving you your jumper back", you act like its no big deal and "whenever" - whereas she could have seen this as a good opportunity to meet up and see you again. Its the old rule of men not being mind-readers coming into this - the message you gave her was that she was good for a quick fun bunk up and you were in no hurry to see her again. I am not really surprised she has gone cold on you.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 6,924
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    Relax - it's not actually that small a world

    Lol really? Ok obv different girl but same habits! :D
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 3,234
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    From her perspective, she gets it on with you, you up and leave, and then when she talks to you about "giving you your jumper back", you act like its no big deal and "whenever" - whereas she could have seen this as a good opportunity to meet up and see you again. Its the old rule of men not being mind-readers coming into this - the message you gave her was that she was good for a quick fun bunk up and you were in no hurry to see her again. I am not really surprised she has gone cold on you.

    I agree with the above. I think that was a bit of a wrong move. Not un-get-past-able, but sending out a cold message you didn't really feel.

    She may just be very moody, perhaps because of culture shock or perhaps because that's just her personality or perhaps a mixture of both. When people are moody it's often because they're insecure. Perhaps she hasn't the confidence to think you might really like her, so she is going coldish to protect herself a bit.

    You obviously like her so I'd keep pursuing her until you see if there's any potential for a relationship.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 265
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    Dolls wrote: »
    I agree with the above. I think that was a bit of a wrong move. Not un-get-past-able, but sending out a cold message you didn't really feel.

    Fair enough re: my actions in the morning, though I think that particular para was misunderstood (to be fair to you both I didn't put in all details as I don't want to reproduce War & Peace) - I was the one trying to organise meeting up to retrieve the jumper, even mentioning it would be good to see her, and she did her best to avoid this happening. Anyway, I appreciate your comments :D
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