YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! It's the Olive Oil Meltdown Day!
Oh jeez! The Laughter Lady.....can someone unplait my curled toes please? Oh, Aud's got her sleeveless windcheater on, it must be Summer. Oh my giddy aunt, Audrey's done herself a mischief doing pretend laughing and has to sit the rest of it out. Eeeeuuuuww. "My name is Phil, haw haw haw!"............gggggeeeeeaghhhhh! CRRRRRRRINGE! Believe it or not, apparently Aud laughs the most in the family (delerium probably)
Fair play, it's dead embarrassing with them pulling faces at each other, at least their pulling together and enjoying themselves. Oh heck! Hula hoop catastrophe. They have to have uber big hoops for the chawnz. That looks like a right laugh....it also looks like money for old rope. Of course Phil has to moan about getting burrrrrned.
CHAWSOME! Its the surprise attack weigh in with nutrition doctor. Aud's put a pound on, but she's "only been eating salad". Chinny reck-on!. Phil's maintained and has convinced man to knock a pound off because of all the gold dubloons he's carrying in his pocket. Here we go, this is the precursor to the Olive Oil Meltdown. Sam's been snivelling away in the background and now she's ran off like a big babby. Sam's reason for getting upset is that her parents put weight on because they'd just had their dinners and Emma's got a gallblabber.......eh? I think you meant to say that you're bricking it cos YOU have been eating nothing but sugar and lard for four weeks. Big strop off into the car park.
Get weighed you big Mary. Oh no, now she's got her "woman's thing". But if she's lost 2lbs a week and got weighed 4weeks ago then the "woman's thing" would have been the same then, and a dinner wouldn't matter because the brain only needs your stomach to process 4lbs of food a day to register "wellbeing". Go on, Emma's done it (2lbs on). Crying and moaning she's on the scales and has lost half a pound!
Ha haaaaaaaaaa. Aud offers her a tissue and Sam snaps back "I don't want YOUR tissues". Grow up, you daft girl.
I was wondering where Loopy's latest review was, I was blaming MrL for being off work again and taking over the telly! :D I'll have a read in a mo
But first, I've just watched the first part of today's episode and at the end when Sam's hoo-ed and ha-ed, cried and thrown tantrums about being weighed (now sneaky Bio, fancy expecting to weigh her on a diet programme! :rolleyes:) she storms out saying she wants tissues, Aud pipes up that she's got some and Sam snaps back "I DON'T WANT YOUR TISSUES!!!!" I never noticed that the first time (or if I did I thought she was talking to the nutritionist) but she really hates her mum doesn't she? She blames her for everything, in an earlier episode said one of the benefits of going to the gym was that it got her away from her mother, she shouts and screams at her and has even hit her. Abuses her something shocking when you think about it. I've come to the conclusion that I don't really like Sam the Drama Queen much. She hides her nasty nature behind a veil of tears and self pity but in reality she's a bit of a bitch :mad:
That's how I feel today anyway, might all change tomorrow!
Anyway, back to Loopy's brilliant synopses!
EDIT: Loopy noticed her tissue tantrum towards her mum too, I should have read it before posting
YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! It's the Olive Oil Meltdown Day!
Oh jeez! The Laughter Lady.....can someone unplait my curled toes please? Oh, Aud's got her sleeveless windcheater on, it must be Summer. Oh my giddy aunt, Audrey's done herself a mischief doing pretend laughing and has to sit the rest of it out. Eeeeuuuuww. "My name is Phil, haw haw haw!"............gggggeeeeeaghhhhh! CRRRRRRRINGE! Believe it or not, apparently Aud laughs the most in the family (delerium probably)
Fair play, it's dead embarrassing with them pulling faces at each other, at least their pulling together and enjoying themselves. Oh heck! Hula hoop catastrophe. They have to have uber big hoops for the chawnz. That looks like a right laugh....it also looks like money for old rope. Of course Phil has to moan about getting burrrrrned.
CHAWSOME! Its the surprise attack weigh in with nutrition doctor. Aud's put a pound on, but she's "only been eating salad". Chinny reck-on!. Phil's maintained and has convinced man to knock a pound off because of all the gold dubloons he's carrying in his pocket. Here we go, this is the precursor to the Olive Oil Meltdown. Sam's been snivelling away in the background and now she's ran off like a big babby. Sam's reason for getting upset is that her parents put weight on because they'd just had their dinners and Emma's got a gallblabber.......eh? I think you meant to say that you're bricking it cos YOU have been eating nothing but sugar and lard for four weeks. Big strop off into the car park.
Get weighed you big Mary. Oh no, now she's got her "woman's thing". But if she's lost 2lbs a week and got weighed 4weeks ago then the "woman's thing" would have been the same then, and a dinner wouldn't matter because the brain only needs your stomach to process 4lbs of food a day to register "wellbeing". Go on, Emma's done it (2lbs on). Crying and moaning she's on the scales and has lost half a pound!
Ha haaaaaaaaaa. Aud offers her a tissue and Sam snaps back "I don't want YOUR tissues". Grow up, you daft girl.
ADVERT.
It's a good job I've learnt to NEVER have food in my hand or a drink near my lips when I'm reading your reports.
They are truly fabulous. You make me laugh so much as you have a knack of writing down exactly what I was thinking when I first watched them, but had forgotten ( if that makes sense!). I swear I'm enjoying this series more than before, and I cant even watch it.
Keep up the sterling work. We ought to have C of C medals. I'd award you one for literary genius and genuine bellyache LOL reads.
I did a ten hour shift, and by the time I finished Mr L was sitting in the living room watching Emmerdale and taking ages esting tea. We were trying to work out if Alesha actually said the F word before the watershed!
EP 7 PART TWO CLC
Here it is here it is here it is! Olive Oil Meltdown!*
Nutritionist man is explaining calories to them, ABC style. Aud wants to lise "some" fat and Phil reckons he's got water retention. Lard retention, more like. Emma reckons they don't eat many calories. Awwwwwwww, droool, those 600 calorie plates of treats look splendid. There's chocolates, biscuits and sausage rolls. Mmmmmmmmmm.
Naughty nutrition man. Aud says she often wondered what the people she served cakes to in the bakery would look like in the future and nutrition man said "Well, you don't need to wonder any more, do you!"
He's asking about how her stirfry went. OMG, I can't look, she's told him she cooked it with no oil -just let it stew. She's telling him in no uncertain terms that she will never use oil again. Man says you have to use oil because the stirfry will be rank. She's making such a fuss. "Oh I'm not touching it, it's disgusting". Everyone's having a taste.....but where's our Sammy? Of course, she's crying again and storming out sying "I'll not taste it!". Go on Sam, try it! "No, I don't want it cos it's got oil on it".*
You simple cow! The NUTRITIONIST is telling you to eat it, you HAVE to eat oil or you'll seize up you daft mare. She's still crying, nutrition man is knackered.
Later on, Dan comes to have another heart to heart with Sam. She hasn't got a clue why she's mot losing weight, honest guv! Emma tells a different story. Healthy eating and diet slipped off after a few weeks.
SAM: For breakfast just a coffee, no cereal lately, I've gone off cereal
EMMA: She'll go to Starbucks and get a drink with whipped cream and then she'll get her scones
SAM: Dinner, salad lettuce tomato with coldsore (yes, folks, coldsore) but the really reduced one
EMMA: I don't like scones, but she'll make mum and dad eat them with her
SAM: for tea I'll have chicken and veg
EMMA: We went out for a meal and she had pizza, and for afters she had toffee sticky pudding
SAM: I eat a whole bowl of watermelon
EMMA: She sprinkles scone on top of watermelon, cream and a bit of sugar.
Back to the therapist. A much cheaper one than Lorraine's famous therapist. It seems to be Audrey vs the rest of them. Ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ha haaaaaaa! Aud reckons her being a mum is 24/7 365 days a year, non stop always on the go looking after the house and everyone. It's a good job this isn't in 3D, her nose would have had my eye out.
Sam wants Aud to stop picking on her. Wow, I'd never pick a fight with Sam she's dangerous with those fists. Emma's telling on Sam, she telling therapist about Sam being naughty too......oh for the love of jelly babies! Sam's blubbing AGAIN! She reckons Emma's the favourite....she's right, of course. Oh what now?*Aud says "I like you both!"......Like? LIKE?! Woah there Aud, don't get too emotional. Phil is taking a back seat, as usual, probably loving it.
Phil is now speaking. Obviously to berate Aud. Once again showing off his mad skills as a carer. "She needs to move, she's got a weeping bleeding sore and it smells of rotten meat. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS THERE". Now we know he's only a carer on paperwork, but I think I'd notice if anyone in my house smelled like rotten meat. They seriously need Kim n Aggie round there.....daily. Sam's face will be eroded with salt if she doesn't stop crying.
Aud, after a few nudges in the right direction, said she hoped the girls find love and move out to get married. Phil told therapist that he thinks the only reason people move out is to get married. Now he's suspicious that Sam's dragged them to counselling so she can move in with this imaginary boyfriend.
OH MY GOD, NOW MR L's TURNED OVER TO WATCH STARLINGS......GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
It was my fault for getting embarrassed and turning off Chawnz when he came back through. If I'd have left it on he would have found something else to do. Meh!
Loopy, once again, your reviews of the programme are better than watching it. So funny! Whatever your job is, you're wasted, unless you're a tv critic. You're fabulous
Ugh, Phil! We get it, you lurve your cherubs, but as the therapist says, "Let them make their own mistakes".
PHIL: If you make [mistakes] don't come running to.......
......Then, he actually stops himself! Oh no, he's becoming self-aware. That's always bad news, I've seen 2001 Space Odyssey, and The Forbin Project. When Hal and Colossus became self aware, very bad things happened. Yes, Phil is showing that he knows exactly how overbearing he is and tries (but fails miserably) to reign it in for the therapist. Obviously he doesn't stop being overbearing because they're both still living at home. The therapist is telling him off.
By the beard of Zeus! Sam's STILL crying. Surely all this booing has burned off at least one sconey melon. Phil says he's worried Sam will end up with someone like on Jeremy Kyle. Ooooo no, that wouldn't do. Imagine if Sam started spouting trot about eating salad and fruit, he'd have her on a Lie Detector Special before teatime!
Back home, Phil's having a paddy about therapist saying he was keeping them on ball & chain. He reckons they can't afford to go out. That's not the point, he IS manipulative. Aud still calls their friends "schoolmates". They left school years ago.*
Sam's calling Aud stupid again. Honestly, Aud would lose the weight if only she'd wipe the floor with Sam every time she disrespected her. My mum would have gone wild with me if I gave her 10% of the cheek Sam gives Aud, and Phil's no help either.
Does Phil actually appreciate the chronological age of his daughters? Or in his teeny-weeny brain, does he still think they are wee girls, in need of daddy's protection?:eek:
PHILIP CHAWNER!! Your daughters are adult women, who deserve to be living lives independent of you and their mother. Let them go, for goodness sake, this is cruel.
Here come the Big Brother crew! Chawnz are gonna be the TV experts, so they're setting up some shots of them eating, sleeping, watching TV and facebooking, the chawnz are getting suspicious. What do they think they're famous for???
Oh my word! Aud's making a cup of tea :eek: but it's only for the cameras. And now the hamster's wee'd on Jenny in fright. Poor animals. Did Audrey really trump up the stairs on purpose? Or did Emma do a trump sound with her mouth? Grim.
Aud's moment of Big Brother fame and she's listing all the people she'd like to see in the Big Brother house. Phil wants to see Gordon Ramsay. Aud wants to see Eamonn Holmes, Phil Schofield, Gino and Alf Ramsey. Gino might do it, but two of them are too rich and famous and the other's been dead nigh on 15 years. So, no worse than the usual bunch, then. Aud says she'd do it as long as the bog was in easy reach....
......Aud in the see-through shower! (brrrrrrrrrrrrrr!)
Dan comes bearing glad tidings! He's dobbing Phil in about the women in the internet. Come on CoC, own up! Aud's had her hair done, it's very nice, although it is a bit "Playmobil". Discussing the silver wedding, Aud plans on getting to her golden wedding and Phil's plans on her funeral. Phil, you utter reptile! Aud's just been dead nice about the marriage and all you can say is "Well I'm still not happy about your hygiene!". Aud looks crushed. He did say that she's given him a nice family, that was borderline pleasant, I suppose.
Aud's died three times......what has that got to do with their anniversary? She's planning on being buried miles underground. Awesome, where's this? Blackpool Oil Shales?
Aud's crying because Bio's giving them 250 squid for a vow renewal and party, which Sam n Em have to organise (oh bl**dy h3ll!). Phil's concerned about what "vow renewal" means. Unfortunately Phil, you're already married, Aud can take you whenever she wants to anyway....luckily, she only has eyes for skips and cheezy beanz. Seriously, Phil wants Andre to do the vows, Aud wants Eamon Holmes. With Sam n Em organising it, you're lucky if you don't end up with Jenny doing it.
Next time, get your magpie fascinators and pastry-themed buffets at the ready. Forget the Jubilee, it's only the blummin' wedding of the year!
Here come the Big Brother crew! Chawnz are gonna be the TV experts, so they're setting up some shots of them eating, sleeping, watching TV and facebooking, the chawnz are getting suspicious. What do they think they're famous for???
Oh my word! Aud's making a cup of tea :eek: but it's only for the cameras. And now the hamster's wee'd on Jenny in fright. Poor animals. Did Audrey really trump up the stairs on purpose? Or did Emma do a trump sound with her mouth? Grim.
Aud's moment of Big Brother fame and she's listing all the people she'd like to see in the Big Brother house. Phil wants to see Gordon Ramsay. Aud wants to see Eamonn Holmes, Phil Schofield, Gino and Alf Ramsey. Gino might do it, but two of them are too rich and famous and the other's been dead nigh on 15 years. So, no worse than the usual bunch, then. Aud says she'd do it as long as the bog was in easy reach....
......Aud in the see-through shower! (brrrrrrrrrrrrrr!)
Dan comes bearing glad tidings! He's dobbing Phil in about the women in the internet. Come on CoC, own up! Aud's had her hair done, it's very nice, although it is a bit "Playmobil". Discussing the silver wedding, Aud plans on getting to her golden wedding and Phil's plans on her funeral. Phil, you utter reptile! Aud's just been dead nice about the marriage and all you can say is "Well I'm still not happy about your hygiene!". Aud looks crushed. He did say that she's given him a nice family, that was borderline pleasant, I suppose.
Aud's died three times......what has that got to do with their anniversary? She's planning on being buried miles underground. Awesome, where's this? Blackpool Oil Shales?
Aud's crying because Bio's giving them 250 squid for a vow renewal and party, which Sam n Em have to organise (oh bl**dy h3ll!). Phil's concerned about what "vow renewal" means. Unfortunately Phil, you're already married, Aud can take you whenever she wants to anyway....luckily, she only has eyes for skips and cheezy beanz. Seriously, Phil wants Andre to do the vows, Aud wants Eamon Holmes. With Sam n Em organising it, you're lucky if you don't end up with Jenny doing it.
Next time, get your magpie fascinators and pastry-themed buffets at the ready. Forget the Jubilee, it's only the blummin' wedding of the year!
Ugh, Phil! We get it, you lurve your cherubs, but as the therapist says, "Let them make their own mistakes".
PHIL: If you make [mistakes] don't come running to.......
......Then, he actually stops himself! Oh no, he's becoming self-aware. That's always bad news, I've seen 2001 Space Odyssey, and The Forbin Project. When Hal and Colossus became self aware, very bad things happened. Yes, Phil is showing that he knows exactly how overbearing he is and tries (but fails miserably) to reign it in for the therapist. Obviously he doesn't stop being overbearing because they're both still living at home. The therapist is telling him off.
By the beard of Zeus! Sam's STILL crying. Surely all this booing has burned off at least one sconey melon. Phil says he's worried Sam will end up with someone like on Jeremy Kyle. Ooooo no, that wouldn't do. Imagine if Sam started spouting trot about eating salad and fruit, he'd have her on a Lie Detector Special before teatime!
Back home, Phil's having a paddy about therapist saying he was keeping them on ball & chain. He reckons they can't afford to go out. That's not the point, he IS manipulative. Aud still calls their friends "schoolmates". They left school years ago.*
Sam's calling Aud stupid again. Honestly, Aud would lose the weight if only she'd wipe the floor with Sam every time she disrespected her. My mum would have gone wild with me if I gave her 10% of the cheek Sam gives Aud, and Phil's no help either.
ADVERT
Sam is a bitch to her Mother, and no matter how hard she tries to make Audrey look bad it always backfires when she speaks to her like that..she has told all the 'experts' how nasty and lazy and horrible her Mum is then makes a show of herself screeching at Audrey all the time. She has a split personality.
Even Emma defended Audrey when Sam started on her about the laughing yoga thing.
I have never understood all the sympathy for Samantha, she's not anyone I would be proud to have as a friend. Okay, so she has a job - surprisingly enough, so do the majority of people. :rolleyes: Honestly, she disgusts me, the way she speaks to her mother is atrocious.
Morning all - Loopy you're reviews are brilliant, and reading them brings back the show without having to see them in HD glory!
I think it's frustration with Sam, and as none of the family have any communication skills, she just goes off on one and has a huge tantrum any time any one upsets her. We didn't see her doing this is Ameriky, OK, one weigh in, but that's it. It's like watching a really big toddler! Emma is happy as long as no-one picks up on the things she mutters, but when they do she falls in to the "I was only joking" immediate response.
There's no way my parents would have stood for any of the abuse the girls show Audrey, my folks are very old fashioned and always gave us a united front - something I've never seen with Phil & Aud. There was no "go and ask your father/go see your mother" going on in their household!
An addition to the Chawner dictionary would be trifle - you know that healthy treat with at least one of your 5 a day (2 if you include the jelly!)
Good morning Emma has got to have a camera down today and she has got two consultants has they could not get it down last time we all hope goes well for her and we love her very much and we are thinking of her love dad mum and Samantha xxxx
Apparently in Phil's dictionary 'love' means stifling any chance of your children leaving home and becoming adults (shunning them forever if they do) and being uncomfortably close to at least one of them.
The sad thing is that Phil turning his back on Emma or Sam and throwing them out would probably, in the long run, be the best thing that could happen to them. His plan seems to be for Aud to die off as soon as possible and then his daughters will be stuck looking after him forever. And if can get his legs lopped off that's a bonus!
Not surprised, but doesn't he sound so very pleased that Emma has not one, but two consultants? As if it is some great achievement on her part!
And another thumbs up for Loopy. I doubt I'd actually watch another Chawner's episode again (the neighbours hate me swearing so loudly when I do), but those synopsis are brilliant.
He does love them, no question about it. But when children fly the nest, of course every parent is knocked sick at the thought but they DO let them go rather than making it feel like a personal insult.
Thanks again for the appreciation, I'll be getting an adoration addiction. However, in this day and age, when people are buying novels based solely on 140 character Tweets, it shows we'll read any old dross. Maybe after this I'll write a book on "My Year of Breakfasts" or "Loose Women, What ARE they on about?". Riveting.
I'm actually having a lunch break today! Loose Women are going on about Camilla off the Royals is mad on those Scandinavian thrillers, and she sent Street Porter a jumper off the set of one of them for a laugh. I wonder if she watches the Chawnz? Maybe she reads the CoC!! She could be a member if the CoC!!
Good hafternoon, ma'am. I do hope you is henjoying your cucumber sangwiches while reading this [curtsey]
Comments
Oh jeez! The Laughter Lady.....can someone unplait my curled toes please? Oh, Aud's got her sleeveless windcheater on, it must be Summer. Oh my giddy aunt, Audrey's done herself a mischief doing pretend laughing and has to sit the rest of it out. Eeeeuuuuww. "My name is Phil, haw haw haw!"............gggggeeeeeaghhhhh! CRRRRRRRINGE! Believe it or not, apparently Aud laughs the most in the family (delerium probably)
Fair play, it's dead embarrassing with them pulling faces at each other, at least their pulling together and enjoying themselves. Oh heck! Hula hoop catastrophe. They have to have uber big hoops for the chawnz. That looks like a right laugh....it also looks like money for old rope. Of course Phil has to moan about getting burrrrrned.
CHAWSOME! Its the surprise attack weigh in with nutrition doctor. Aud's put a pound on, but she's "only been eating salad". Chinny reck-on!. Phil's maintained and has convinced man to knock a pound off because of all the gold dubloons he's carrying in his pocket. Here we go, this is the precursor to the Olive Oil Meltdown. Sam's been snivelling away in the background and now she's ran off like a big babby. Sam's reason for getting upset is that her parents put weight on because they'd just had their dinners and Emma's got a gallblabber.......eh? I think you meant to say that you're bricking it cos YOU have been eating nothing but sugar and lard for four weeks. Big strop off into the car park.
Get weighed you big Mary. Oh no, now she's got her "woman's thing". But if she's lost 2lbs a week and got weighed 4weeks ago then the "woman's thing" would have been the same then, and a dinner wouldn't matter because the brain only needs your stomach to process 4lbs of food a day to register "wellbeing". Go on, Emma's done it (2lbs on). Crying and moaning she's on the scales and has lost half a pound!
Ha haaaaaaaaaa. Aud offers her a tissue and Sam snaps back "I don't want YOUR tissues". Grow up, you daft girl.
ADVERT.
But first, I've just watched the first part of today's episode and at the end when Sam's hoo-ed and ha-ed, cried and thrown tantrums about being weighed (now sneaky Bio, fancy expecting to weigh her on a diet programme! :rolleyes:) she storms out saying she wants tissues, Aud pipes up that she's got some and Sam snaps back "I DON'T WANT YOUR TISSUES!!!!" I never noticed that the first time (or if I did I thought she was talking to the nutritionist) but she really hates her mum doesn't she? She blames her for everything, in an earlier episode said one of the benefits of going to the gym was that it got her away from her mother, she shouts and screams at her and has even hit her. Abuses her something shocking when you think about it. I've come to the conclusion that I don't really like Sam the Drama Queen much. She hides her nasty nature behind a veil of tears and self pity but in reality she's a bit of a bitch :mad:
That's how I feel today anyway, might all change tomorrow!
Anyway, back to Loopy's brilliant synopses!
EDIT: Loopy noticed her tissue tantrum towards her mum too, I should have read it before posting
They are truly fabulous. You make me laugh so much as you have a knack of writing down exactly what I was thinking when I first watched them, but had forgotten (
Keep up the sterling work. We ought to have C of C medals. I'd award you one for literary genius and genuine bellyache LOL reads.
so funny that Sam was telling such fibs and pretending she was eating all healthy stuff..they tell so many lies they start believing their own lies.
EP 7 PART TWO CLC
Nutritionist man is explaining calories to them, ABC style. Aud wants to lise "some" fat and Phil reckons he's got water retention. Lard retention, more like. Emma reckons they don't eat many calories. Awwwwwwww, droool, those 600 calorie plates of treats look splendid. There's chocolates, biscuits and sausage rolls. Mmmmmmmmmm.
Naughty nutrition man. Aud says she often wondered what the people she served cakes to in the bakery would look like in the future and nutrition man said "Well, you don't need to wonder any more, do you!"
He's asking about how her stirfry went. OMG, I can't look, she's told him she cooked it with no oil -just let it stew. She's telling him in no uncertain terms that she will never use oil again. Man says you have to use oil because the stirfry will be rank. She's making such a fuss. "Oh I'm not touching it, it's disgusting". Everyone's having a taste.....but where's our Sammy? Of course, she's crying again and storming out sying "I'll not taste it!". Go on Sam, try it! "No, I don't want it cos it's got oil on it".*
You simple cow! The NUTRITIONIST is telling you to eat it, you HAVE to eat oil or you'll seize up you daft mare. She's still crying, nutrition man is knackered.
Later on, Dan comes to have another heart to heart with Sam. She hasn't got a clue why she's mot losing weight, honest guv! Emma tells a different story. Healthy eating and diet slipped off after a few weeks.
SAM: For breakfast just a coffee, no cereal lately, I've gone off cereal
EMMA: She'll go to Starbucks and get a drink with whipped cream and then she'll get her scones
SAM: Dinner, salad lettuce tomato with coldsore (yes, folks, coldsore) but the really reduced one
EMMA: I don't like scones, but she'll make mum and dad eat them with her
SAM: for tea I'll have chicken and veg
EMMA: We went out for a meal and she had pizza, and for afters she had toffee sticky pudding
SAM: I eat a whole bowl of watermelon
EMMA: She sprinkles scone on top of watermelon, cream and a bit of sugar.
Mmmmmmmmmm, scone, cream and sugar (~dribble~)
ADVERT
Sam wants Aud to stop picking on her. Wow, I'd never pick a fight with Sam she's dangerous with those fists. Emma's telling on Sam, she telling therapist about Sam being naughty too......oh for the love of jelly babies! Sam's blubbing AGAIN! She reckons Emma's the favourite....she's right, of course. Oh what now?*Aud says "I like you both!"......Like? LIKE?! Woah there Aud, don't get too emotional. Phil is taking a back seat, as usual, probably loving it.
Phil is now speaking. Obviously to berate Aud. Once again showing off his mad skills as a carer. "She needs to move, she's got a weeping bleeding sore and it smells of rotten meat. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS THERE". Now we know he's only a carer on paperwork, but I think I'd notice if anyone in my house smelled like rotten meat. They seriously need Kim n Aggie round there.....daily. Sam's face will be eroded with salt if she doesn't stop crying.
Aud, after a few nudges in the right direction, said she hoped the girls find love and move out to get married. Phil told therapist that he thinks the only reason people move out is to get married. Now he's suspicious that Sam's dragged them to counselling so she can move in with this imaginary boyfriend.
OH MY GOD, NOW MR L's TURNED OVER TO WATCH STARLINGS......GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
It was my fault for getting embarrassed and turning off Chawnz when he came back through. If I'd have left it on he would have found something else to do. Meh!
PHIL: If you make [mistakes] don't come running to.......
......Then, he actually stops himself! Oh no, he's becoming self-aware. That's always bad news, I've seen 2001 Space Odyssey, and The Forbin Project. When Hal and Colossus became self aware, very bad things happened. Yes, Phil is showing that he knows exactly how overbearing he is and tries (but fails miserably) to reign it in for the therapist. Obviously he doesn't stop being overbearing because they're both still living at home. The therapist is telling him off.
By the beard of Zeus! Sam's STILL crying. Surely all this booing has burned off at least one sconey melon. Phil says he's worried Sam will end up with someone like on Jeremy Kyle. Ooooo no, that wouldn't do. Imagine if Sam started spouting trot about eating salad and fruit, he'd have her on a Lie Detector Special before teatime!
Back home, Phil's having a paddy about therapist saying he was keeping them on ball & chain. He reckons they can't afford to go out. That's not the point, he IS manipulative. Aud still calls their friends "schoolmates". They left school years ago.*
Sam's calling Aud stupid again. Honestly, Aud would lose the weight if only she'd wipe the floor with Sam every time she disrespected her. My mum would have gone wild with me if I gave her 10% of the cheek Sam gives Aud, and Phil's no help either.
ADVERT
PHILIP CHAWNER!! Your daughters are adult women, who deserve to be living lives independent of you and their mother. Let them go, for goodness sake, this is cruel.
Oh my word! Aud's making a cup of tea :eek: but it's only for the cameras. And now the hamster's wee'd on Jenny in fright. Poor animals. Did Audrey really trump up the stairs on purpose? Or did Emma do a trump sound with her mouth? Grim.
Aud's moment of Big Brother fame and she's listing all the people she'd like to see in the Big Brother house. Phil wants to see Gordon Ramsay. Aud wants to see Eamonn Holmes, Phil Schofield, Gino and Alf Ramsey. Gino might do it, but two of them are too rich and famous and the other's been dead nigh on 15 years. So, no worse than the usual bunch, then. Aud says she'd do it as long as the bog was in easy reach....
......Aud in the see-through shower! (brrrrrrrrrrrrrr!)
Dan comes bearing glad tidings! He's dobbing Phil in about the women in the internet. Come on CoC, own up! Aud's had her hair done, it's very nice, although it is a bit "Playmobil". Discussing the silver wedding, Aud plans on getting to her golden wedding and Phil's plans on her funeral. Phil, you utter reptile! Aud's just been dead nice about the marriage and all you can say is "Well I'm still not happy about your hygiene!". Aud looks crushed. He did say that she's given him a nice family, that was borderline pleasant, I suppose.
Aud's died three times......what has that got to do with their anniversary? She's planning on being buried miles underground. Awesome, where's this? Blackpool Oil Shales?
Aud's crying because Bio's giving them 250 squid for a vow renewal and party, which Sam n Em have to organise (oh bl**dy h3ll!). Phil's concerned about what "vow renewal" means. Unfortunately Phil, you're already married, Aud can take you whenever she wants to anyway....luckily, she only has eyes for skips and cheezy beanz. Seriously, Phil wants Andre to do the vows, Aud wants Eamon Holmes. With Sam n Em organising it, you're lucky if you don't end up with Jenny doing it.
Next time, get your magpie fascinators and pastry-themed buffets at the ready. Forget the Jubilee, it's only the blummin' wedding of the year!
ADVERT
Even Emma defended Audrey when Sam started on her about the laughing yoga thing.
I am so going to have coldsore with pepperika on every salad I eat from now on.
I really think we need to compile a Chawner dictionary you know, what with MFI scans, poorly overs, sleep hackney, tak car an all...
Any more peeps..?
I think it's frustration with Sam, and as none of the family have any communication skills, she just goes off on one and has a huge tantrum any time any one upsets her. We didn't see her doing this is Ameriky, OK, one weigh in, but that's it. It's like watching a really big toddler! Emma is happy as long as no-one picks up on the things she mutters, but when they do she falls in to the "I was only joking" immediate response.
There's no way my parents would have stood for any of the abuse the girls show Audrey, my folks are very old fashioned and always gave us a united front - something I've never seen with Phil & Aud. There was no "go and ask your father/go see your mother" going on in their household!
An addition to the Chawner dictionary would be trifle - you know that healthy treat with at least one of your 5 a day (2 if you include the jelly!)
5 A Day The Audrey Way is a book all on it's own and would be a best seller.
Oh yeah, forgot - Chawners want attention.
Well this is the first mention of the word love for years
Please please please please... will someone ask if this includes Chris?
The sad thing is that Phil turning his back on Emma or Sam and throwing them out would probably, in the long run, be the best thing that could happen to them. His plan seems to be for Aud to die off as soon as possible and then his daughters will be stuck looking after him forever. And if can get his legs lopped off that's a bonus!
Not surprised, but doesn't he sound so very pleased that Emma has not one, but two consultants? As if it is some great achievement on her part!
And another thumbs up for Loopy. I doubt I'd actually watch another Chawner's episode again (the neighbours hate me swearing so loudly when I do), but those synopsis are brilliant.
I foolishly opted for the numbing throat spray instead of sedative when I had mine -never again!
Thanks again for the appreciation, I'll be getting an adoration addiction. However, in this day and age, when people are buying novels based solely on 140 character Tweets, it shows we'll read any old dross. Maybe after this I'll write a book on "My Year of Breakfasts" or "Loose Women, What ARE they on about?". Riveting.
I'm actually having a lunch break today! Loose Women are going on about Camilla off the Royals is mad on those Scandinavian thrillers, and she sent Street Porter a jumper off the set of one of them for a laugh. I wonder if she watches the Chawnz? Maybe she reads the CoC!! She could be a member if the CoC!!
Good hafternoon, ma'am. I do hope you is henjoying your cucumber sangwiches while reading this [curtsey]