For what it's worth, I don't think you should feel pressured to speak. I've been to a lot of funerals (more than I'd like) and I've never actually seen anyone (friends, family etc) speak or share a story. Usually it's just the minister/priest.
Judgement or regret at what might have been will help no one; least of all your sister. Acknowledge but don't dwell on her difficult past. Use this as a chance to remember the good times, however few they may have been. Celebrate who she was rather than what she could have been; and remember that not everybody will share your experiences and opinion of her. Lay the past to rest rather than raise more unanswerable questions.
I've spoken at 2 funerals - my MIL who also had problems and died too young and needlessly; and my Nan who lived a long and happy life.
My OH felt that the minister alone speaking would be too short a ceremony, but didn't want to broach how senseless her death had been by sharing details. The poem we chose (which I read) exemplified what she would have wanted for the children she left behind:
If I should go before the rest of you
Break not a flower nor inscribe a stone
Nor when I'm gone speak in a Sunday voice
But be the usual selves that I have known
Weep if you must
Parting is hell
But life goes on
So sing as well.
Joyce Grenfell
It wasn't particularly loving, but it avoided phoney sentiment too, so it did the job on the day.
With my Nan I remembered some specific times we'd shared that I would always hold dear, and then we played her favourite song and asked others to take a quiet moment to remember her in their own way. Personal memories are better than a hundred adjectives, negative or positive.
I am sorry to hear of your loss. I can relate to your experiences in some ways.
My father died when I was 21, and was a mixture of good and bad. Yes, he brought me up, yes, he gave me financial support at university, but he was also a controlling bully who said some disgusting and unforgivable things. It was emotional bullying with him really. He also drank increasingly heavily in the final years of his life and while I can't definitely say it was a factor in his death, my gut instinct is that it probably was.
He was generally behaving strangely and drinking heavily in the final months of his life. At the eulogy, I focussed on his good qualities and thanked those present who had tried to help him during that troubled final phase of his life.
It was his fault - he made the choices he did. I still find it hard to forgive some of the things he said and did. He was a weak, spiteful, foolish man in many ways. HOWEVER, he did do SOME good in his life, and I focussed on this.
The hard part was biting my lip when people paid tributes to me afterwards. I knew my dad better than anyone and I didn't really recognise the saint they were making him out to be. Most of them hadn't known him for that long anyway.
Personally I would try not to sound too judgemental. Only your sister walked in her shoes and led her life the way she did, perhaps the way she lived did not meet with other's approval and perhaps she chose a rocky path but she was your sister and I am sure you must have some good memories of her, best to emphasize more on the good times and only briefly mention the other, if you feel you have to.
Against my better judgement, I'm asking the faceless contingent of Digital Spy for their opinion on something deeply personal.
I am arranging the funeral of my sister. The long and the short of it is that due to her destructive, irrational and hurtful behaviour over the years, she became estranged from everyone. This behaviour was a contributory factor to her dying young.
For some reason, I seem to be on friendly terms with most of my family, so it seems appropriate for me to say a few words. If I don't, it'll only be the minister talking!
I need, or want to allude to the fact that, although her abusive upbringing contributed to the path she ultimately chose, she still had many opportunities to take a different path but, for reasons only known to her, she felt the path she was shown as a child was the only one for her.....and it was this path that ultimately led her to her death. I want to say that many will be angry because she was loved, but just didn't realise it, etc. I will also include memories of some of her nicer moments.
Now, the general etiquette seems to state that you should keep things positive during a eulogy, but that wouldn't paint an accurate picture. But, saying nothing isn't an option either.
Any thoughts? Should I adopt this approach? Has anyone experienced something similar?
I would say as little as possible. You do not have to explain much, just keep it short and simple. No one should expect more if they all remember how she was while alive.
In my opinion, a funeral service (religious or humanist) should be a celebration of the life of the deceased and an opportunity for friends and family to pay their respects/say their farewells. The last thing that many of those present will want is to be reminded of the negatives, especially those who are already emotional.
I think that reflections on difficult periods of the deceased's life would be better expressed in private conversations, rather than included in the formal ceremony.
I agree with this. Whatever she did in life, she is now dead and her funeral should include fond memories of her, not the bad ones. There is nothing to be gained from being negative.
It's a difficult one. But a funeral is not an appropriate place to air differences and show disapproval for the choices they made in life. That's for private conversation. It sounds as if she had a very difficult and troubled life, not entirely of her own making. I think it's one of those situations where, if you cannot speak good of her say nothing and perhaps get the vicar to speak. Very few people are totally with out some redeeming qualities , I'm sure she had some. Have you spoken to her more recent friends ?
Agree with both of the above.
There is ABSOLUTELY no reason that the OP has to say ANYTHING at the funeral, the minister can do the eulogy that's what they do.
To the OP if you do say things and there's negativity in there it will look like you're being a very ungracious IMO.
I've read your draft and it is just my opinion, but it sounded a little spiteful and very negative. That's an outsider point of view - but would you want to say such things in public.
A funeral is not for settling scores or attacking the life or character of a person who has just died. You sound as if you think it is your place to pass judgement on your sister and her life at her funeral. It isn't and as I read the sentiments you have expressed here, I would consider you the last person who should be doing this service for the dead. You should say nothing and leave the service to the minister if there is no suitable family member who wishes to speak or has the capacity for dealing compassionately and wisely with the occasion of a death and funeral.
A funeral is not for settling scores or attacking the life or character of a person who has just died. You sound as if you think it is your place to pass judgement on your sister and her life at her funeral. It isn't and as I read the sentiments you have expressed here, I would consider you the last person who should be doing this service for the dead. You should say nothing and leave the service to the minister if there is no suitable family member who wishes to speak or has the capacity for dealing compassionately and wisely with the occasion of a death and funeral.
Wow, really?
I'm dealing with grief you numb-skull and asking for opinions, not to be attacked. Have you ever needed to organise the burial of a sibling and to reconcile the life choices they made? I'm trying to write something appropriate so if you think me asking for guidance makes me the last person who should be doing the service is misguided to say the least.
Very little of my first draft (well the excerpt I published) was particularly attacking or judgemental towards my sister. However, it was a reference to those who abused her as a child and effectively forced her down the road she chose.
I have rewritten my eulogy loads of times already and will no doubt continue to do so until I feel it's right.
As I said, if you think me seeking opinion on this makes me unsuitable to speak, well, you can naff off!
Comments
I've spoken at 2 funerals - my MIL who also had problems and died too young and needlessly; and my Nan who lived a long and happy life.
My OH felt that the minister alone speaking would be too short a ceremony, but didn't want to broach how senseless her death had been by sharing details. The poem we chose (which I read) exemplified what she would have wanted for the children she left behind:
If I should go before the rest of you
Break not a flower nor inscribe a stone
Nor when I'm gone speak in a Sunday voice
But be the usual selves that I have known
Weep if you must
Parting is hell
But life goes on
So sing as well.
Joyce Grenfell
It wasn't particularly loving, but it avoided phoney sentiment too, so it did the job on the day.
With my Nan I remembered some specific times we'd shared that I would always hold dear, and then we played her favourite song and asked others to take a quiet moment to remember her in their own way. Personal memories are better than a hundred adjectives, negative or positive.
My father died when I was 21, and was a mixture of good and bad. Yes, he brought me up, yes, he gave me financial support at university, but he was also a controlling bully who said some disgusting and unforgivable things. It was emotional bullying with him really. He also drank increasingly heavily in the final years of his life and while I can't definitely say it was a factor in his death, my gut instinct is that it probably was.
He was generally behaving strangely and drinking heavily in the final months of his life. At the eulogy, I focussed on his good qualities and thanked those present who had tried to help him during that troubled final phase of his life.
It was his fault - he made the choices he did. I still find it hard to forgive some of the things he said and did. He was a weak, spiteful, foolish man in many ways. HOWEVER, he did do SOME good in his life, and I focussed on this.
The hard part was biting my lip when people paid tributes to me afterwards. I knew my dad better than anyone and I didn't really recognise the saint they were making him out to be. Most of them hadn't known him for that long anyway.
leave it to the minister, or ask a friend of your sister. Ministers know exactly what to say. They will talk to you to find out about her.
I would say as little as possible. You do not have to explain much, just keep it short and simple. No one should expect more if they all remember how she was while alive.
Agree with both of the above.
There is ABSOLUTELY no reason that the OP has to say ANYTHING at the funeral, the minister can do the eulogy that's what they do.
To the OP if you do say things and there's negativity in there it will look like you're being a very ungracious IMO.
I've read your draft and it is just my opinion, but it sounded a little spiteful and very negative. That's an outsider point of view - but would you want to say such things in public.
Nothing worse than the usual "X died so tragicially young, they were well loved" spill.
Wow, really?
I'm dealing with grief you numb-skull and asking for opinions, not to be attacked. Have you ever needed to organise the burial of a sibling and to reconcile the life choices they made? I'm trying to write something appropriate so if you think me asking for guidance makes me the last person who should be doing the service is misguided to say the least.
Very little of my first draft (well the excerpt I published) was particularly attacking or judgemental towards my sister. However, it was a reference to those who abused her as a child and effectively forced her down the road she chose.
I have rewritten my eulogy loads of times already and will no doubt continue to do so until I feel it's right.
As I said, if you think me seeking opinion on this makes me unsuitable to speak, well, you can naff off!