just for clarification - I do not want to snuggle and cuddle my friend!
I got a text off him about an hour ago saying basically hey i facebooked you earlier, you didnt reply?!? thought we couldve gone for a drink tonight. oh well shall we go tomoro instead? not seen u this week!
I hadn't checked my facebook since work, so never actually got the message! I wasn't ignoring him. Thing is, whenever we go anywhere, he never wants to invite anybody else. If I say shall we ask joe bloggs, etc etc, he says something like, I suppose so, just though would be cool if we hang out together.
Do you know how serious he is when he says this? i only ask because i have a very close female friend and neither of us have feelings towards each other but we will constantly text all day and if we somehow go a few hours with no text we will start texting silly things like "why havent you replied? have i upset you?" etc, its all done for a laugh.
Could he be just joking when he texts you things like that?
Do you know how serious he is when he says this? i only ask because i have a very close female friend and neither of us have feelings towards each other but we will constantly text all day and if we somehow go a few hours with no text we will start texting silly things like "why havent you replied? have i upset you?" etc, its all done for a laugh.
Could he be just joking when he texts you things like that?
I don't really know!
he says stuff like that to me, eg, have I upset you, but I don't know whether he's joking or being genuine to be honest.
either way.. Ive never said anything like that to him so i dunno where its all come from
Are you the same person as the OP? Your writing style, typos and usernames seem remarkably similar.
eurgh i swear your some next neek that sits on forums all day accusing people of lying and stalking their previous posts. ive seen you beofre get a life mate jesus
eurgh i swear your some next neek that sits on forums all day accusing people of lying and stalking their previous posts. ive seen you beofre get a life mate jesus
just for the records... we of course are not the same person
a very interesting thread. I'm in a reverse of your position and i want to move myself on from the crush-side of things and just try to be a friend - in fact i don't even know if we are friends! what's got me to make this comment is some of the things people have been saying that have struck a chord - "passive encouragement" - being flattered by the attention and soliciting more attention. i think that's what "my" other person is doing and i'm reading too much into it.
another thing i am bearing in mind is that other people are just as complicated as you are. my thoughts on "my" other person are complex, perhaps his thoughts on you are equally as complicated and he's testing the waters.
it's clingy behaviour but maybe he doesn't really appreciate that that's what he's doing? i'm slightly embarrassed now as i've realised i've been doing (a much milder version of) this for a while and have only really just realised it now! i'd rather your mate realise this himself rather than be told, though... if i was your mate i'd be mortified!
Hmmm this is a difficult one and I don't envy you having to deal with it, Danny.
Due to how he interrupts when you're talking to women and how he disappeared out of your life for 3 months when you had a girlriend,plus how other people have commented on how he is with you and that you seem like a couple, I'd say it's pretty conclusive that he does have a sexual crush on you.
I am another who thinks, spell it out that you're not attracted to men without making it personal about him. I think this style is almost always the best way to deal with it, and it definately is the way I would want someone to deal with it with me if I had a crush. It saves making him feel very embarressed and awkward.
But as well as that, maybe it would help if you tried to turn the spotlight on to him rather than yourself. I'd ask him how his love life's going on, (embarressing but probably not as much so as referring to his attraction towards you). You could maybe tie this up with the point in my previous paragraph by saying something like, "You know guys are definitely not for me at all, but if you like them, I'd go for it, I'm wishing you all the best there".
Having been in your friends position it can't be easy for them, but if you feel its got too much, and from what you've said that appears to be the case, then you need to tell them to back off. It won't be easy for your friend to hear that, but in the long run its necessary. When I told my mate I fancied them they didn't talk to me for months because they felt things were awkward, this for me was incredibly hard, and I'm ashamed to say I pestered them a lot to talk to me, to let me explain etc, it was more the fact I'd lost a friend that I was bothered about. In the end we now do talk but nowhere near as much as before, for me I'm now much happier about this because there is no danger I'm going to get too involved again. Just be delicate with your friend, if you are the first male they've had a crush on, its going to be very hard for them, and don't be surprised if at first they don't take whatever you tell them well
eurgh i swear your some next neek that sits on forums all day accusing people of lying and stalking their previous posts. ive seen you beofre get a life mate jesus
Dunno what a neek is, dunno who you are, i am not jesus,i'm a she, you donut. Merry Xmas one and all!:D
thanks for all the advice... interesting to hear from the other side of the equation
yeah he's a nice lad and we've been friends since secondary school and I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings
but if he turned round and confirmed it that he "fancied" me then I wouldn't un-friend him, id probably just keep a certain amount of distance between us, as I try to do now., maybe a little bit more.
i couldnt really ask him about it or ask him something like how his love lifes going or he might start asking for boyfriend advice or something, which is out of my comfort zone im afraid
a very interesting thread. I'm in a reverse of your position and i want to move myself on from the crush-side of things and just try to be a friend - in fact i don't even know if we are friends! what's got me to make this comment is some of the things people have been saying that have struck a chord - "passive encouragement" - being flattered by the attention and soliciting more attention. i think that's what "my" other person is doing and i'm reading too much into it.
another thing i am bearing in mind is that other people are just as complicated as you are. my thoughts on "my" other person are complex, perhaps his thoughts on you are equally as complicated and he's testing the waters.
it's clingy behaviour but maybe he doesn't really appreciate that that's what he's doing? i'm slightly embarrassed now as i've realised i've been doing (a much milder version of) this for a while and have only really just realised it now! i'd rather your mate realise this himself rather than be told, though... if i was your mate i'd be mortified!
Another persons views from the other perspective ...
Just thought I'd add my thoughts, From the sounds of things (and I am making some assumptions here so could of course be way off) he doesn't seem to be that open about his sexuality having only mentioned it the one time when he was drunk, so it's perfectly possible that he doesn't feel that comfortable with his sexuality himself. When I first started to develop same sex feelings a few years back now, I ended up developing a bit of a crush on my closest male friend, and it's very easy when you have a bit of a crush on a mate like that and when your feeling confused about your feelings to start imagining things are happening that aren't. Like thinking that things the other person are saying or doing are loaded with meaning, and wondering if deep down they feel the same, imagining how they'd react etc. So try not to be too harsh on him, Although the way he's behaving does seem a little excessive, I certainly wasn't that overbearing when I had my little crush.
I'd just be cool man, like many people have said just try not to give him any reason to think you may want anything more than friendship and continue to be his buddy and be yourself. Of course if he broaches it you'll have to deal with that but tbh if it's anything like what I went through he wont.
Also just as a little positive I had my crush on my mate when I was about 16-17 so a good 4-5 years ago. We never had a confrontation about it, in fact I'm fairly certain he never knew about it, but now we're best mates, my feeling passed and we got on with being mates.
I think that part of the process of realising you have same sex feelings for many people anyway involve a bit of a crush on someone your close to feel comfortable with. And I genuinely think given time his feelings will pass.
Hope it works out for you Danny and have a lovely christmas buddy
Another persons views from the other perspective ...
Just thought I'd add my thoughts, From the sounds of things (and I am making some assumptions here so could of course be way off) he doesn't seem to be that open about his sexuality having only mentioned it the one time when he was drunk, so it's perfectly possible that he doesn't feel that comfortable with his sexuality himself. When I first started to develop same sex feelings a few years back now, I ended up developing a bit of a crush on my closest male friend, and it's very easy when you have a bit of a crush on a mate like that and when your feeling confused about your feelings to start imagining things are happening that aren't. Like thinking that things the other person are saying or doing are loaded with meaning, and wondering if deep down they feel the same, imagining how they'd react etc. So try not to be too harsh on him, Although the way he's behaving does seem a little excessive, I certainly wasn't that overbearing when I had my little crush.
I'd just be cool man, like many people have said just try not to give him any reason to think you may want anything more than friendship and continue to be his buddy and be yourself. Of course if he broaches it you'll have to deal with that but tbh if it's anything like what I went through he wont.
Also just as a little positive I had my crush on my mate when I was about 16-17 so a good 4-5 years ago. We never had a confrontation about it, in fact I'm fairly certain he never knew about it, but now we're best mates, my feeling passed and we got on with being mates.
I think that part of the process of realising you have same sex feelings for many people anyway involve a bit of a crush on someone your close to feel comfortable with. And I genuinely think given time his feelings will pass.
Hope it works out for you Danny and have a lovely christmas buddy
Another persons views from the other perspective ...
Just thought I'd add my thoughts, From the sounds of things (and I am making some assumptions here so could of course be way off) he doesn't seem to be that open about his sexuality having only mentioned it the one time when he was drunk, so it's perfectly possible that he doesn't feel that comfortable with his sexuality himself. When I first started to develop same sex feelings a few years back now, I ended up developing a bit of a crush on my closest male friend, and it's very easy when you have a bit of a crush on a mate like that and when your feeling confused about your feelings to start imagining things are happening that aren't. Like thinking that things the other person are saying or doing are loaded with meaning, and wondering if deep down they feel the same, imagining how they'd react etc. So try not to be too harsh on him, Although the way he's behaving does seem a little excessive, I certainly wasn't that overbearing when I had my little crush.
I'd just be cool man, like many people have said just try not to give him any reason to think you may want anything more than friendship and continue to be his buddy and be yourself. Of course if he broaches it you'll have to deal with that but tbh if it's anything like what I went through he wont.
Also just as a little positive I had my crush on my mate when I was about 16-17 so a good 4-5 years ago. We never had a confrontation about it, in fact I'm fairly certain he never knew about it, but now we're best mates, my feeling passed and we got on with being mates.
I think that part of the process of realising you have same sex feelings for many people anyway involve a bit of a crush on someone your close to feel comfortable with. And I genuinely think given time his feelings will pass.
Hope it works out for you Danny and have a lovely christmas buddy
hey jacksonmate. thanks for your post.
I agree he also probably isn't 100% comfortable with his sexuality, so maybe pressing him about it wouldn't be the right thing to do.
also, I wouldn't be comfortable talking to him about it anyway.
I will do as you said and just try to play it cool and make certain he knows that I am in no way interested, and never would want to be anything more than mates.
hopefully he will get the message and eventually stop harrassing me so much
Wow! he is obsessed with you. I couldn't be dealing with constant messages like that, he needs to back off alot. He will probs contact you again soon but for now just enjoy your time without him
Wow! he is obsessed with you. I couldn't be dealing with constant messages like that, he needs to back off alot. He will probs contact you again soon but for now just enjoy your time without him
tell me about it!
he will contact me again soon, its what always happenes.
Nothing annoys me more than people making assumptions which have an effect on a relationship... such as deciding 'he's bi, he must be into me; I'm going to back off' because it sounds like the only thing he is genuinely guilty of is being a good friend.
Put yourself in his shoes, what if you were very good friends with a girl, bought her drinks when you were out, wanted to meet up a lot... all because you enjoyed her company, and then one day she stopped replying to your texts for no reason, or became very frosty towards you, I'd imagine you'd be annoyed.
You need to tackle the problem head on, if you're good friends you should be able to talk to him about crushes which he has, what he feels about his love life... that should give you a good indication of what is going on. If not ask him what made him turn bi, discuss something along those lines, it should give you a multitude of opportunities to point out that in no way are you that way inclined... sutibly of course
Please don't be a douchebag and make things difficult just because of an erroneous conclusion you've drawn. I've got friends (and I've done it myself) who become frustratingly disconnected when they are in a relationship, they are impossible to meet up from, but from their perspective (the person in a relationship) it might seem that your friends have stopped contacting you... perspective is a funny thing
because I didnt reply to his text ( a mass text, by the way) on xmas day and didnt contact him till today. (even though I saw him at the pub xmas eve)
I give up! I can't be bothered with this all now.. ive got no probs bein mates with him ,but it shouldnt be this much hard work!
All I would advise once more is to have it out with him. Yes, it might be painful, perhaps you will cause a modicum of suffering, but think of the value of that suffering! Of course, I speak from a deeply personal point of view: I myself would welcome the confrontation; I'm a talker, not an intuitor or mind-reader of people's feelings.
At risk of going against the majority's opinion, I would not advise distancing yourself, leaving the poor, confused man to suffer in a different way. Better to suffer under the weight of honesty and allow the possibility of real development, real maturation. This is, perhaps, your chance to do a truly honourable deed: to help someone through a difficult period of their life. To talk of my own case: yes! of course it's uncomfortable talking about my sexuality. Why? Because of the frightening, oh so possible potential of rejection. But don't you see? This is the reason for our tentativeness, our furtive and secretive nature? The discomfort comes from the fear of ostracism. But, then, is it best for you to leave him to wallow in his doubt and fear? Or, better, would it not be to both your benefits if you had the courage to broach the topic, to try and help him through this issue - help him become comfortable with himself! Ultimately, you can teach him what he must eventually come to learn: straight men are off limits. Instead your instincts are to run away, to leave him to wallow and suffer? What? Is this what passes for friendship these days? If I were considering such an option I would have to conclude that I am no true friend of this man, and I would loathe and despise myself for my cruelty, lack of compassion, selfishness...
This, you understand, does not constitute an attack on you or your feelings, only a deeply personal interpretation of a lamentable situation. I count myself lucky that my friends were willing to take a gamble, were willing to try to help me with regards to my sexuality: they asked me! They showed an interest in my life, the most deeply personal aspect of my life! I cannot think of any real friends who would not.
So I advise this: you simply must talk to him. Such things can be hard, but put yourself in his shoes. What is he thinking? What? He admitted to you that he is bisexual and you leave it at that? Is this not, perhaps, a hint? A hint that he wants to talk about it some more? Think what effort, what strength it must have taken to admit such a thing to someone who, from what I read, is not at the greatest ease around homosexuals and bisexuals (this is not to imply in anyway that you're homophobic - I don't believe that for a second). Surely talk is the answer here? Am I madman for thinking so? Is running away, distancing oneself, leaving only silence in one's wake the real answer here, the real act of sanity? Is this the act of an exemplar of moral virtue?
Comments
Do you know how serious he is when he says this? i only ask because i have a very close female friend and neither of us have feelings towards each other but we will constantly text all day and if we somehow go a few hours with no text we will start texting silly things like "why havent you replied? have i upset you?" etc, its all done for a laugh.
Could he be just joking when he texts you things like that?
I don't really know!
he says stuff like that to me, eg, have I upset you, but I don't know whether he's joking or being genuine to be honest.
either way.. Ive never said anything like that to him so i dunno where its all come from
eurgh i swear your some next neek that sits on forums all day accusing people of lying and stalking their previous posts. ive seen you beofre get a life mate jesus
just for the records... we of course are not the same person
i believe you anyway before him. he has accused me of being a fake before as well:rolleyes:
oh right. lol
another thing i am bearing in mind is that other people are just as complicated as you are. my thoughts on "my" other person are complex, perhaps his thoughts on you are equally as complicated and he's testing the waters.
it's clingy behaviour but maybe he doesn't really appreciate that that's what he's doing? i'm slightly embarrassed now as i've realised i've been doing (a much milder version of) this for a while and have only really just realised it now! i'd rather your mate realise this himself rather than be told, though... if i was your mate i'd be mortified!
Due to how he interrupts when you're talking to women and how he disappeared out of your life for 3 months when you had a girlriend,plus how other people have commented on how he is with you and that you seem like a couple, I'd say it's pretty conclusive that he does have a sexual crush on you.
I am another who thinks, spell it out that you're not attracted to men without making it personal about him. I think this style is almost always the best way to deal with it, and it definately is the way I would want someone to deal with it with me if I had a crush. It saves making him feel very embarressed and awkward.
But as well as that, maybe it would help if you tried to turn the spotlight on to him rather than yourself. I'd ask him how his love life's going on, (embarressing but probably not as much so as referring to his attraction towards you). You could maybe tie this up with the point in my previous paragraph by saying something like, "You know guys are definitely not for me at all, but if you like them, I'd go for it, I'm wishing you all the best there".
Dunno what a neek is, dunno who you are, i am not jesus,i'm a she, you donut. Merry Xmas one and all!:D
yeah he's a nice lad and we've been friends since secondary school and I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings
but if he turned round and confirmed it that he "fancied" me then I wouldn't un-friend him, id probably just keep a certain amount of distance between us, as I try to do now., maybe a little bit more.
i couldnt really ask him about it or ask him something like how his love lifes going or he might start asking for boyfriend advice or something, which is out of my comfort zone im afraid
PS. I am that friend. Did you get my last text?
you're not.
piss off!
Another persons views from the other perspective ...
Just thought I'd add my thoughts, From the sounds of things (and I am making some assumptions here so could of course be way off) he doesn't seem to be that open about his sexuality having only mentioned it the one time when he was drunk, so it's perfectly possible that he doesn't feel that comfortable with his sexuality himself. When I first started to develop same sex feelings a few years back now, I ended up developing a bit of a crush on my closest male friend, and it's very easy when you have a bit of a crush on a mate like that and when your feeling confused about your feelings to start imagining things are happening that aren't. Like thinking that things the other person are saying or doing are loaded with meaning, and wondering if deep down they feel the same, imagining how they'd react etc. So try not to be too harsh on him, Although the way he's behaving does seem a little excessive, I certainly wasn't that overbearing when I had my little crush.
I'd just be cool man, like many people have said just try not to give him any reason to think you may want anything more than friendship and continue to be his buddy and be yourself. Of course if he broaches it you'll have to deal with that but tbh if it's anything like what I went through he wont.
Also just as a little positive I had my crush on my mate when I was about 16-17 so a good 4-5 years ago. We never had a confrontation about it, in fact I'm fairly certain he never knew about it, but now we're best mates, my feeling passed and we got on with being mates.
I think that part of the process of realising you have same sex feelings for many people anyway involve a bit of a crush on someone your close to feel comfortable with. And I genuinely think given time his feelings will pass.
Hope it works out for you Danny and have a lovely christmas buddy
Lovely post
hey jacksonmate. thanks for your post.
I agree he also probably isn't 100% comfortable with his sexuality, so maybe pressing him about it wouldn't be the right thing to do.
also, I wouldn't be comfortable talking to him about it anyway.
I will do as you said and just try to play it cool and make certain he knows that I am in no way interested, and never would want to be anything more than mates.
hopefully he will get the message and eventually stop harrassing me so much
because I didnt reply to his text ( a mass text, by the way) on xmas day and didnt contact him till today. (even though I saw him at the pub xmas eve)
I give up! I can't be bothered with this all now.. ive got no probs bein mates with him ,but it shouldnt be this much hard work!
he might just want it out of his system
Nah mate.
you're more than welcome to though!
tell me about it!
he will contact me again soon, its what always happenes.
yep for now just enjoying the peace!
Put yourself in his shoes, what if you were very good friends with a girl, bought her drinks when you were out, wanted to meet up a lot... all because you enjoyed her company, and then one day she stopped replying to your texts for no reason, or became very frosty towards you, I'd imagine you'd be annoyed.
You need to tackle the problem head on, if you're good friends you should be able to talk to him about crushes which he has, what he feels about his love life... that should give you a good indication of what is going on. If not ask him what made him turn bi, discuss something along those lines, it should give you a multitude of opportunities to point out that in no way are you that way inclined... sutibly of course
Please don't be a douchebag and make things difficult just because of an erroneous conclusion you've drawn. I've got friends (and I've done it myself) who become frustratingly disconnected when they are in a relationship, they are impossible to meet up from, but from their perspective (the person in a relationship) it might seem that your friends have stopped contacting you... perspective is a funny thing
All I would advise once more is to have it out with him. Yes, it might be painful, perhaps you will cause a modicum of suffering, but think of the value of that suffering! Of course, I speak from a deeply personal point of view: I myself would welcome the confrontation; I'm a talker, not an intuitor or mind-reader of people's feelings.
At risk of going against the majority's opinion, I would not advise distancing yourself, leaving the poor, confused man to suffer in a different way. Better to suffer under the weight of honesty and allow the possibility of real development, real maturation. This is, perhaps, your chance to do a truly honourable deed: to help someone through a difficult period of their life. To talk of my own case: yes! of course it's uncomfortable talking about my sexuality. Why? Because of the frightening, oh so possible potential of rejection. But don't you see? This is the reason for our tentativeness, our furtive and secretive nature? The discomfort comes from the fear of ostracism. But, then, is it best for you to leave him to wallow in his doubt and fear? Or, better, would it not be to both your benefits if you had the courage to broach the topic, to try and help him through this issue - help him become comfortable with himself! Ultimately, you can teach him what he must eventually come to learn: straight men are off limits. Instead your instincts are to run away, to leave him to wallow and suffer? What? Is this what passes for friendship these days? If I were considering such an option I would have to conclude that I am no true friend of this man, and I would loathe and despise myself for my cruelty, lack of compassion, selfishness...
This, you understand, does not constitute an attack on you or your feelings, only a deeply personal interpretation of a lamentable situation. I count myself lucky that my friends were willing to take a gamble, were willing to try to help me with regards to my sexuality: they asked me! They showed an interest in my life, the most deeply personal aspect of my life! I cannot think of any real friends who would not.
So I advise this: you simply must talk to him. Such things can be hard, but put yourself in his shoes. What is he thinking? What? He admitted to you that he is bisexual and you leave it at that? Is this not, perhaps, a hint? A hint that he wants to talk about it some more? Think what effort, what strength it must have taken to admit such a thing to someone who, from what I read, is not at the greatest ease around homosexuals and bisexuals (this is not to imply in anyway that you're homophobic - I don't believe that for a second). Surely talk is the answer here? Am I madman for thinking so? Is running away, distancing oneself, leaving only silence in one's wake the real answer here, the real act of sanity? Is this the act of an exemplar of moral virtue?