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My dad is dying - so lost
kookiethekat
Posts: 2,867 Forum Member
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Hi all
3 weeks ago my dad was rushed into intensive care with kidney failure, the was on 100% oxygen and they didn’t think he was going to survive. He pulled through it after 3 rounds of dialysis.
Now they are saying he will need dialysis 3 times a week for the rest of his life, he would also need an operation but they don’t think his heart is strong enough to survive it (he has angina).
He is refusing the dialysis and any further treatment, he just wants to go home.. They can’t give us a time frame, it could be weeks it could be months. The dr said she’s not sure how he is still functioning as he has really high levels of toxins in his blood, it’s the highest she has ever seen in someone so “well”.
I'm so lost, he is 200 miles away and I work full time so won't be able to see him till Saturday, I have tried to speak to him on the phone but he does not want to speak to anyone. The nurses say he won't even get out of bed and is refusing medication.
I don't know what I want anyone to say, has anyone else been in a similar situation?
I lost contact with my dad when I was 16 (he left my mum and vanished), I managed to track him down a few years ago, I lost my mum in 2009 as well, I just feel so down, and angry and upset
3 weeks ago my dad was rushed into intensive care with kidney failure, the was on 100% oxygen and they didn’t think he was going to survive. He pulled through it after 3 rounds of dialysis.
Now they are saying he will need dialysis 3 times a week for the rest of his life, he would also need an operation but they don’t think his heart is strong enough to survive it (he has angina).
He is refusing the dialysis and any further treatment, he just wants to go home.. They can’t give us a time frame, it could be weeks it could be months. The dr said she’s not sure how he is still functioning as he has really high levels of toxins in his blood, it’s the highest she has ever seen in someone so “well”.
I'm so lost, he is 200 miles away and I work full time so won't be able to see him till Saturday, I have tried to speak to him on the phone but he does not want to speak to anyone. The nurses say he won't even get out of bed and is refusing medication.
I don't know what I want anyone to say, has anyone else been in a similar situation?
I lost contact with my dad when I was 16 (he left my mum and vanished), I managed to track him down a few years ago, I lost my mum in 2009 as well, I just feel so down, and angry and upset
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Your dad has obviously made his mind up. All you can do is be there for him.
They are looking into special leave for me so I can do just that
Thats good. I wish you all the best.
I lost my Dad nearly two years ago. We were estranged for a long time but got back in touch a couple of years before he died and I treasure that time we had together and the better relationship we had forged.
Hope you get the time off to go and spend some time with your Dad.
I'd go spend some time with your Dad and prepare yourself to say goodbye. I wish I could say something to make it easier but in truth losing a parent is one of the hardest things you can go through, and nothing anyone can say or do will make it any easier.
Please take care
Alan.
there are also the hospital chaplin. and volunteer visitors etc. possibly worth seeking out as they will have local knowledge that might help.
I also think your employer needs to let you go and see yr dad asap. I also think the nurses/doctors can talk to you about your dad's state of mind. Would a hospice be a better environment for him (some people hate the thought of it but they can be wonderful at looking after people with a terminal illness)? You could try contacting some Renal Failure support groups; your dad might not want to, but they may help you understand and support you through this.
http://www.kidney.org.uk
http://www.britishkidney-pa.co.uk
From what you have said it sounds very much that he is both angry and frightened. It is a natural reaction try and go ' into a shell' and not want to listen to what is seemingly bad news. He seems to need a medical professional to sit down quietly with him and go through all the options available, and to talk about his fears.
As for you........pack your bag and get down there. You shouldn't have to ask for leave in this situation, it should be automatic. You will not regret the time you spend with him now, however difficult it might be.
Best wishes.
Try and do something really special - it doesn't have to be going on some holiday abroad or anything, just something that's special to him.
My nan's 81, she used to love Blackpool Tower ballroom when she was little, so I want to take her in the next month or so, trouble is she's always so tired and can't really go out in the cold weather as she picks up chills so easily these days. But I need to do it, so think of something on a similar scale, that won't tire him out too much, and do it, you'll remember it for the rest of your life and will give him such a happy memory.
Sending virtual hugs too xx
I wouldn't be waiting for my work's permission, I'd already be in my car or on a train.
^ this
I lost my dad suddenly nearly 12 years ago
Had I known it was our last days together I would have made the most of it
As for when your with your Dad just make everyday special go out and do things he loves, go to place you know he likes, and just tell him you love him as that would be the most important words anyone would love to hear.
I know this is a hard time but try to be strong and put the anger to one side and make this time count.
I agree with the suggestions that you should be given immediate compassionate leave. My friend is in a similar position, her mum has respiratory failure and is refusing treatment but she is mentally ill which is the drive behind her decision - my friend lied to get her back into hospital (she waited until she took her drowsy bipolar medication and called an ambulance saying she'd fallen unconscious) - however your dad has the right to his own say in his treatment. That said, I think your presence with him is essential. Feeling angry is absolutely normal and natural, and I would encourage you to be as honest with your dad as possible on all your feelings - how you feel right now and what he means to you, so he has all the information on what this means for his family and those around him - depending on his reasons for his decisions that might help clarify what he wants. He still has the right to feel the way he does, and if your presence doesn't change that, its the right decision for him and even for you unfortunately. I dont know what is available to you under these circumstances, for eg hospices have amazing support staff, i would ask about what support your family can get through this with the links that have been posted and through the drs who are treating him.
Im really sorry youre going through this. This will bring up stuff about losing your mum too, so you are probably dealing with not just your dad's illness, but grief from that too. Its a lot to cope with.
Try and convince him it is. does he have family where he is. If not, maybe he could stay with you temporarily, if you can get treatment arranged locally.
Or get a week off work to go and stay with him through this early period.
good luck
one point - given that you lost contact, he may already have passed before you found him. At least he didn't and you now have the opportunity to change things.