Mum's Smoking Issues!!!

mark__ukmark__uk Posts: 501
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Hi
I am posting this on behalf of my partner who is worried about her mum and is looking for some advice.

Her mum is a very heavy smoker, and has smoked in the house since my partner's childhood. She did briefly stop smoking inside the house after her husband died, when my partner expressed concerns for her health as well as that of herself and her daughter when visiting. This lasted a few months over the summer but my partner noticed she was smoking in the house again in October last year. My partner has spoken to her Mum about the fact she is smoking in the house again but she vigorously denies she is doing so, despite the obvious haze of smoke when my partner enters the house! My partner's daughter suffers with asthma, and finds the smoky environment very uncomfortable. We are at a loss as to where to go from here as although my partner has tried to explain how uncomfortable it is being in the house as non-smokers, and the possible effects the smoke can have on her daughter and grandaughter, my partner's mum still insists that she is not smoking in the house. My partner's daughter no longer wants to visit her nan because of the breathing difficulties it causes her. My partner respects her mum's wishes/needs to smoke, and doesn't want to tell her what to do in her own home, but at the same time needs to consider the welfare of herself and her daughter. Help!

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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 6,924
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    Is it possible for the Gran to visit your house to see your daughter and partner instead of the 3 of you going to her house? Surely she wouldn't smoke in your house especially if she is so adamant about not smoking?
  • mark__ukmark__uk Posts: 501
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    Sorry i should have put that partner mum lives in London and we live in Dorset
  • Smokeychan1Smokeychan1 Posts: 12,048
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    Tell your partner to give reasonable notice when she can be expected to arrive and hopefully Mum won't smoke in the room her visitors will occupy for 30 mins or so before they arrive. It's a fair compromise - Mum's house should be respected as her home and she has a right to do as she pleases in it. The smell of cigarettes for non-smokers may not be pleasant, but it won't harm them.

    Edit: Just saw your second post. I still think it makes little difference but perhaps Mum can restrict her smoking to a room her guests won't be using during their stay.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 6,924
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    mark__uk wrote: »
    Sorry i should have put that partner mum lives in London and we live in Dorset

    Ah ok. Will rethink my answer. :)
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 12,830
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    How old is she and how many years has she been smoking ?
  • WolfsheadishWolfsheadish Posts: 10,400
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    mark__uk wrote: »
    Hi
    I am posting this on behalf of my partner who is worried about her mum and is looking for some advice.

    Her mum is a very heavy smoker, and has smoked in the house since my partner's childhood. She did briefly stop smoking inside the house after her husband died, when my partner expressed concerns for her health as well as that of herself and her daughter when visiting. This lasted a few months over the summer but my partner noticed she was smoking in the house again in October last year. My partner has spoken to her Mum about the fact she is smoking in the house again but she vigorously denies she is doing so, despite the obvious haze of smoke when my partner enters the house! My partner's daughter suffers with asthma, and finds the smoky environment very uncomfortable. We are at a loss as to where to go from here as although my partner has tried to explain how uncomfortable it is being in the house as non-smokers, and the possible effects the smoke can have on her daughter and grandaughter, my partner's mum still insists that she is not smoking in the house. My partner's daughter no longer wants to visit her nan because of the breathing difficulties it causes her. My partner respects her mum's wishes/needs to smoke, and doesn't want to tell her what to do in her own home, but at the same time needs to consider the welfare of herself and her daughter. Help!

    I'm sorry I can't offer much advice, but I do sympathise. My own mother was a heavy smoker and had no regard for anyone else in that respect. My father suffered from asthma but that didn't stop her smoking heavily in the house. Her reply to any criticism was "If I don't smoke I might as well just kill myself." My only advice would be to stay away from mum's house if she insists on smoking in it. She can visit your house and smoke outside if she must or meet somewhere neutral where she can, again, smoke outside.
  • seacamseacam Posts: 21,364
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    mark__uk wrote: »
    Sorry i should have put that partner mum lives in London and we live in Dorset
    And E-cigs are available every where, perhaps Mum can start to kick her harmful habit that way.
  • mark__ukmark__uk Posts: 501
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    Her Mum is 71 Years old and has smoked since she was 14 years old.
    She smokes at least 20 a day :o
  • WolfsheadishWolfsheadish Posts: 10,400
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    Tell your partner to give reasonable notice when she can be expected to arrive and hopefully Mum won't smoke in the room her visitors will occupy for 30 mins or so before they arrive. It's a fair compromise - Mum's house should be respected as her home and she has a right to do as she pleases in it. The smell of cigarettes for non-smokers may not be pleasant, but it won't harm them.

    Edit: Just saw your second post. I still think it makes little difference but perhaps Mum can restrict her smoking to a room her guests won't be using during their stay.

    You're right about that, but it used to annoy me to no end that my clothes stunk after visiting my mother >:(
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 12,830
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    mark__uk wrote: »
    Her Mum is 71 Years old and has smoked since she was 14 years old.
    She smokes at least 20 a day :o

    20 a day is really not that much. Kate Moss used to smoke 80 a day. Tallulah Bankhead smoked 150 a day.

    However, you should emphasise that someone smoking can aggravate another person's asthma, and ask to open windows when she smokes. I suggest you stick to medical facts and depersonalise the situation.

    Unfortunately, since she has smoked for 57 years and has not had a major smoking-related illness yet, it would be hard to suggest she desist for her own health.
  • LyceumLyceum Posts: 3,399
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    Simply don't take the granddaughter and tell the grandmother why the granddaughter doesn't want to visit.

    Your partners mother is entitled or smoke in her house without people nagging at her. Your Partners daughter is also entitled to not want to be in that environment. So quite simply if she doesn't want to visit she doesn't visit. Tell the grandmother she is choosing not to visit because of the smoking issue, not as an ultimatum type threat, IE stop smoking it we don't visit, because as I said she is entitled to smoke as she sees fit in her own house. But simply because you have no reason to lie. Be honest about it and if the grandmother wants to visit make some arrangement for her to come to you or to meet on neutral ground.
  • seacamseacam Posts: 21,364
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    mark__uk wrote: »
    Her Mum is 71 Years old and has smoked since she was 14 years old.
    She smokes at least 20 a day :o
    Then it's going to be an uphill battle and no winner.

    It's why an E-cig sprang to mind but not an ordinary type.
  • Sansa_SnowSansa_Snow Posts: 1,217
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    We have to visit my OHs parents in another property as they smoke in their own home, they have no intention of giving up and the smell is ingrained so much in the house, anything that has been in the house even for a short time reeks even after washing. When they cuddle our baby the smell gets onto her clothes and hair, gifts such as cuddly toys they give the baby have to be binned.

    I know plenty of other smokers who don't smell like this, I think most are more conscious about smelling but if you have lived in a smokey funk for 50 odd years I guess you don't notice it. You would think having a grandchild would be reason to quit but they would rather be dead than not smoke, very sad.
  • Ann_TennaAnn_Tenna Posts: 395
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    Can your partner's mother buy something like an electric smoke-sucker air filter? I have one.

    I once had an ashtray that took two "C" sized-batteries, and it was excellent at sucking up cigarette smoke. I can't remember what happened to it. I'm going to look for another one.

    Your partner's mother might still reek of smoke, but the air quality might be a bit better.
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