How to deal with the break up of a relationship

keli77keli77 Posts: 2,139
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A couple of weeks ago I posted a thread on here about my partner and him suffering from depression. Well since then the worst has happened and yesterday he left me. I am finding this really difficult to deal with, i cant stop crying & I feel like I am being suffocated, my chest is tight. Everything in the house reminds me of him- its the house we made together. I just dont know how to deal with this, I dont have anywhere else I can go, I know I cant afford to run this house on my own and I just miss him so much. I am trying to stay strong so it doesnt affect my 16 year old son too much but I cant stop myself crying and he is having to comfort me. Anyone have any advice on how to get through these early days of being on my own again???

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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 3,146
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    in my case it was get (very) drunk for about 3 months but as you have a son you might want to skip that part....

    Make friends, get yourself out and about, socialise when you can, get a hobby (i used the gym) and then suddenly one day it wont seem so bad (well thats how it worked in my case).

    good luck in however you deal with it!
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,822
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    Take each day as it comes... Remember you wont always feel like this, time really is a great healer.

    Try to keep busy, no contact and throw out all reminders. You'll get there, its all part of the grieving process :)
  • gdjman68wasdigigdjman68wasdigi Posts: 21,705
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    i got divorced after a ten year relatinship/marriage.

    all i can say is that it really does get better over time...do not get drunk.....under any circumstances..at least not on your own, delete the phone number and deffo no contact.

    hope this helps
  • keli77keli77 Posts: 2,139
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    Thanks for your replies.

    Today i have been to the docs, he has given me some Diazepam to take just for a couple of days. He could see I was suffering with anxiety and stress. He is also sending me for counselling. I have been signed off work for a week, so i popped in there with my sick note. I went to the council to get the single persons supplement thing taken off my council tax bill and I found out i will be entitled to some housing benefit, so that will help. I have also let the tax credit office know and it appears i will be entitled to more tax credits than i thought as well. So house wise it looks like i might be able to stay here afterall.

    It hurts so much, i find myself welling up whenever i stop for a breath so am keeping as busy as possible. Havent eaten yet today so as soon as i can face some food i will eat then take the first of these tablets!
  • frailfuryfrailfury Posts: 7,222
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    keli77 wrote: »
    Thanks for your replies.

    Today i have been to the docs, he has given me some Diazepam to take just for a couple of days. He could see I was suffering with anxiety and stress. He is also sending me for counselling. I have been signed off work for a week, so i popped in there with my sick note. I went to the council to get the single persons supplement thing taken off my council tax bill and I found out i will be entitled to some housing benefit, so that will help. I have also let the tax credit office know and it appears i will be entitled to more tax credits than i thought as well. So house wise it looks like i might be able to stay here afterall.

    It hurts so much, i find myself welling up whenever i stop for a breath so am keeping as busy as possible. Havent eaten yet today so as soon as i can face some food i will eat then take the first of these tablets!

    Firstly, please do not drink under the circumstances. I did when I split with my ex gf many years ago and it made everything 100000 times worse.

    Secondly, yeah it will get easier, but thats not what you need to hear right now. Give yourself some time. Have a day where you put all his things away so you don't constantly see them.

    Don't sit in the house all day. Go out. Anywhere. Buy something to keep your mind occupied, and if you haven't got any money, then just do something away from things that remind you of him.

    This is what I'd do anyway, not sure if it's of any help.
  • tysonstormtysonstorm Posts: 24,609
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    I know this is going to sound pretentious or some other long word that I forgot, but time is the greatest healer.

    Keeping your mind occupied and not dwelling on things is the key. It was hard for me breaking up with my ex because we saw each other on a daily basis because of our child and the arrangements "she" had made. It was like torture.

    Keep busy, don't dwell, stay positive (there are plenty more people out there) and don't drink to hide the pain or to make yourself "feel better". If you are having a drink do it with friends and family not on your own. And lastly don't ever contemplate suicide, I did numerous times and tried more than once, unsuccessfully. It's not worth it.

    Eventually it does get easier.
  • Mad HatterMad Hatter Posts: 776
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    Hi there and I know exactly how you are feeling.

    I found it better to refer to the situation as "my partner has moved out", rather than "my partner has left me".

    I know it is only words but it makes a person feel less of a victim.

    Glad to hear you will get some help and get that there dinner on, tuck in, sit down with your son and have a meal together - if you arent eating properly, you arent getting fuel to keep you going then you can take your medication, if need be.

    Take care.
  • snorksnork Posts: 1,464
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    Hi, I'm sorry to hear about your troubles.

    Breakups are very hard to cope with, even when the relationship was bad. I had one break up after about 4 years together, I felt like I was in a daze for a long while before I started to pull myself together a bit....and that was a relationship I wanted to end myself.

    At this moment you are raw. Just steel yourself that that bit isn't going to go on forever and keep repeating it to yourself.

    Try and do something in the short term...mindless repetitive activity might help or reading, something that takes your mind elsewhere if just for a little bit.

    How is your son coping do you think?
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 2,938
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    If you feel you cant face going home to an empty house, go and see family or friends for a couple of hours, being on your own with nothing to do is the worst, especially in the evening. Also the diazipam will make you feel very wooshy, dont take then expect to drive, the first one will knock you sideways. You can take half a time if you feel too wooshy from them. I would personally take something not as strong for anziety. You can go back to the docs if you feel like this. I took one once and felt so out of it that I went back for something weaker.
  • keli77keli77 Posts: 2,139
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    If you feel you cant face going home to an empty house, go and see family or friends for a couple of hours, being on your own with nothing to do is the worst, especially in the evening. Also the diazipam will make you feel very wooshy, dont take then expect to drive, the first one will knock you sideways. You can take half a time if you feel too wooshy from them. I would personally take something not as strong for anziety. You can go back to the docs if you feel like this. I took one once and felt so out of it that I went back for something weaker.

    This is part of my problem- my family arent local & I dont drive, so i am stuck at home, cant afford public transport to travel that far to visit people. I have a really good friend who is gonna come and stay for a few days but she works long hours, so during the day I am on my own and thats what I am finding really hard, i cant stop thinking, I cant sleep, I cant eat or drink.

    I have taken my first one and havent felt any different, they are the lowest mg available so maybe thats why.
  • keli77keli77 Posts: 2,139
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    snork wrote: »
    Hi, I'm sorry to hear about your troubles.

    Breakups are very hard to cope with, even when the relationship was bad. I had one break up after about 4 years together, I felt like I was in a daze for a long while before I started to pull myself together a bit....and that was a relationship I wanted to end myself.

    At this moment you are raw. Just steel yourself that that bit isn't going to go on forever and keep repeating it to yourself.

    Try and do something in the short term...mindless repetitive activity might help or reading, something that takes your mind elsewhere if just for a little bit.

    How is your son coping do you think?

    Thats exactly how i feel- raw and in a daze. The 2 things that arent helping at the moment is he still needs to come back to the house to collect the rest of his stuff and he daughters stuff, he still has keys so could just turn up at anytime. I just want that over with.

    The other thing is that he himself has been in a bad place recently, and among other things he said before he left was that he still loved me, he just needed to be on his own at the moment and who knows what might happen in the future, things might be different in a month. Now my heart is clinging onto that hope but my head is saying dont think about it, cos it wont help me get over him.

    I think i might start playing with my Nintendo DS, think that will pass the time. I have lots of books i havent got round to reading yet as well.

    My son has been a tower of strength, he was so upset when he found out yesterday, a good friend of mine told him so he was prepared for what i would be like when he got home from college. He has an amazing group of friends who are really supporting him. When he came home yesterday he just held me and kept telling me it would be ok and he would look after me. It was amazing but i also feel so guilty that he is doing that at 16.
  • Dangerous.DaveDangerous.Dave Posts: 1,940
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    I'm sorry to hear about what has happened.

    I doubt you'll feel much from a low doze of diazepam. If you are unhappy and feel you need more help go back to the GP. There is absolutely nothing wrong in getting a little help during terrible times such as these.

    The best thing to do is to be around other people. It's great that you have your son with you and a friend. You may find it is better to be at work and to keep yourself busy, away from home and the memories. I'd also try and put away objects around the house if possible if they bring back too many memories.

    Try and hang in there. It does get much better with time, as you have been told a thousand times, but it's true.
  • snorksnork Posts: 1,464
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    keli77 wrote: »
    Thats exactly how i feel- raw and in a daze. The 2 things that arent helping at the moment is he still needs to come back to the house to collect the rest of his stuff and he daughters stuff, he still has keys so could just turn up at anytime. I just want that over with.

    The other thing is that he himself has been in a bad place recently, and among other things he said before he left was that he still loved me, he just needed to be on his own at the moment and who knows what might happen in the future, things might be different in a month. Now my heart is clinging onto that hope but my head is saying dont think about it, cos it wont help me get over him.

    I think i might start playing with my Nintendo DS, think that will pass the time. I have lots of books i havent got round to reading yet as well.

    My son has been a tower of strength, he was so upset when he found out yesterday, a good friend of mine told him so he was prepared for what i would be like when he got home from college. He has an amazing group of friends who are really supporting him. When he came home yesterday he just held me and kept telling me it would be ok and he would look after me. It was amazing but i also feel so guilty that he is doing that at 16.

    Oh dear, so he says its over and then throws you a lifeline that he still loves you....ouch. He may be confused but that is leaving you on tenterhooks.

    I think that maybe you need to take control of the situation for your own sanity. Call him or send him a text stating when he can come and pick his stuff up, so you can be out (if you want that). That leaves the ball in his court then.
  • gagdegagde Posts: 3,868
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    keli77 wrote: »
    A couple of weeks ago I posted a thread on here about my partner and him suffering from depression. Well since then the worst has happened and yesterday he left me. I am finding this really difficult to deal with, i cant stop crying & I feel like I am being suffocated, my chest is tight. Everything in the house reminds me of him- its the house we made together. I just dont know how to deal with this, I dont have anywhere else I can go, I know I cant afford to run this house on my own and I just miss him so much. I am trying to stay strong so it doesnt affect my 16 year old son too much but I cant stop myself crying and he is having to comfort me. Anyone have any advice on how to get through these early days of being on my own again???

    I am so sorry for you the same happened to me yesterday wife of 19 years just dropped the bombshell that she didnt want to be with me and our daughter of 20 and daughter of 6 anymore she has been through a lot lately being diagnosed with arthritis in her feet which is spreading at the moment i feel numb and dazed but i have the support of the eldest daughter luckily i work part time and the eldest works in a care home.So my next step is to sort money matters out we currently get child tax credits and child benefit so will be taking one step at a time the positive note i got is she is not blaming any off us for wanting out i have heard as time goes on things do get better keep your chin up.As i have found yesterday teenagers like your son who is 16 and our daughter who is 20 are lot more mature than we adults think i hope things work out for you.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,282
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    Sorry to hear that. If you are alone, it's better to get yourself busy with some positive activities. Try some of activities in the article below see if they can help.

    Ten Things to Do After a Breakup
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