Friends changing arrangements at last minute to suit themselves
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I have a friend who now lives in London (I live in Dublin) and when she comes over to stay with her parents we would arrange to meet up in, say, a restaurant for a proper catch up. I would then invariably get a call on the morning of the day to say 'oh, we're kind of running late, and mum wants us to go to such and such and blah blah, so I was thinking why don't you come over here after work and I'll cook us something'.
So instead of a nice meal in a restaurant somewhere handy for both of us with some wine I have to drive to the suburb where her parents live, sit around in the middle of her family, kids being put to bed etc. have nothing to drink while they all enjoy some wine, and then drive home alone later that night. It suits her beautifully, but the inconvenience to me doesn't seem to matter.
She ALWAYS does this and at this stage I really don't go to much effort to contact her when she's home.
Anyone else got friends who always change arrangements to suit themselves?
So instead of a nice meal in a restaurant somewhere handy for both of us with some wine I have to drive to the suburb where her parents live, sit around in the middle of her family, kids being put to bed etc. have nothing to drink while they all enjoy some wine, and then drive home alone later that night. It suits her beautifully, but the inconvenience to me doesn't seem to matter.
She ALWAYS does this and at this stage I really don't go to much effort to contact her when she's home.
Anyone else got friends who always change arrangements to suit themselves?
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I read suit as s*it and spent a good two/three minutes trying to work it out.
But do you start changing the arrangement around to suit yourself, while making things more inconvenient for the other person?
Yes. I do. I am busy, I work, I volunteer, I go university. Admittedly I do try to make way for 2-3 hours every day to go the gym. Something always comes up last minute that requires urgent attention. I have to start changing arrangements to suit myself.
But that's what annoys me. I have a busy day too and then have it made even more hassley by my friend suiting herself.
I'd just say "let's hold off on meeting up until another time when you're not so busy" or something.
I do not change the arrangements any more. They either stick to them - or we don't meet. I shall not be flexible. Once or twice maybe, but any more than that and it is not happening.
I can understand that frustration. I wouldn't like it if it happened to me.
I have to juggle a lot.
I have to earn money whilst most of my friend rely on their parents.
Most of mates do courses that are essentially will not please some on here. - if you get my drift.
I do law so it is a lot of work.
I need to volunteer- to get experience so I can get a training contract in future.
I have to earn- flat, bill, car- it costs.
I have to study as well.
I am very organised and have a schedule. Sometimes, I can't help but get something last minute.
I do try and at least once a month to have a social life- go out with my mates.
In regards to your scenario- she has a family. I don't blame you for being annoyed. Have you tried explaining how you feel to her?
It's even worse when you already leave your home and walk a mile to your friend's house to meet them, and when you're about 10 minutes away they text and say "sorry can't make it, not feeling too good, going to bed
People are very, very unreliable. I understand not eveyone can committ to arrangements, but it doesn't take much to just phone up and say "look, i can't really be bothered going anywhere today" instead of pretending to be ill or ignoring any sort of contact!
It wouldn't sink in. She usually says she'll call in with her mum to see my parents when she's home, gives a time, my parents sit and wait and she turns up about 2 hrs later. My parents are elderly and used to having dinner at a certain time etc and it really messes up their evening when she does this. One time my mother made it very clear she was fed up and my friend was all apologies and gave her flowers. Next time she was over, same thing, turned up about an hour and a half late.
I can relate to this, I only have a handful of 'friends' thankfully my life is alot easier as well.
If I were you OP I would simply say no if she does it again.
If it bothers you and your family that much my advice would be to stop making arrangements with this 'friend'
I have said to my mother to say 'oh okay then. But we're going out at six so we won't be there after that'.
She says she will and she never does.
This seems to be a regular thing. Stop making arrangements - I wouldn't put up with it.
Yet you still make arrangements with her ... perhaps follow your own advice.
Honestly, it's clear that your friendship is under strain and if it is bothering you enough to post on here I'd end the friendship.
I can understand pulling out, but forcing other people to change their plans too?
OP, I was friends with someone rather like that for about 7 or 8 years. I would have called her my best friend, but gradually I found my life revolved around her. Many times, she would arrange something with me so I'd say to anyone else 'oh can't do that night, already got something on' and then she'd find something better to do, go to that without me so I'd end up with nothing to do. Eventually, I wised up and arranged my own things and said she could come if she wanted. It's rare she bothers.
We don't speak much now. In fact, I think she has a week's holiday and is back at her parents' house this week. They live 5 doors away from me - I've heard nothing. Never mind
I have already said I don't go to much trouble to meet up with her anymore. I was just curious to hear other people's views that's all.
I am not being mean. I am not stopping them from having a good time- they can without me. I am not ruining anything.
I am busy and I can't help that.
Oh, you said you changed arrangements to suit yourself. To me, that meant you made other people postpone plans until you were ready. That's a different thing
But just remember other people are busy too
If you were to suddenly 'crack' and have an aggressive go at her, you might end up losing the friendship so I think it's worth just mentioning that you'd rather go out for a meal together, and perhaps not go to the next family thing. She probably just needs a reminder to think about what you want for a change.
Usually, most of my mates plan a night out. I am sure they can still go without me.
My mates are not busy at all. I have to do a lot of work for my law degree. I need to get money- so have to work at Next. On top of that, I volunteer so can get experience so I can put that down on my cv. I do a lot of work. I am busy.
I would say, I am more or less free now- since I am ill hence on ds.